I absolutely despise my writing.

But my issue isn't that I thought I was some natural god at writing and was endlessly praised and now I know I'm average. I never thought I was above average at writing. Quite honestly, I didn't care about how good or bad my writing was. I just wrote because I had a bunch of stories to tell and I wanted to write them. People praising me was just a bonus (and sometimes I even had people tell me "this sucks", but I didn't care because I enjoyed it). People still tell me I'm a great writer, but I just can't believe it myself. I had a professor last semester tell me I was a great writer and I legitimately told him I thought we had to be looking at two different pieces of writing because I feel my writing is horribly mediocre (and sometimes just absolutely awful). My issue isn't that my ego has been crushed. It's that despite what everyone tells me, I think I'm awful. I think I'm terrible at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at.

 

You insist that you are "terrible at the one thing [you're] supposed to be good at." Fine. I believe you, Savannah. You have convinced me. You are not as good as everyone says. They are either deceitful or deceived. That doesn't mean you can't become much, much better than you are.

Put in the effort to learn to learn the trade. Practice writing. Tell more stories. Find someone capable of giving you a decent critique instead of stroking your ego with empty words of praise or blowing your work off with some version of "it sucks." Work at your craftsmanship until you begin to see improvement, then keep working until you've written something you believe is worthwhile.

What other people think about your writing at this point doesn't matter. What you think does.

Good luck.

 

I wish I had been sitting in with that professor and you that day, and reading the work in question, and asking what he liked about it and what you didn't like about it. It was the same piece of writing, as you said. What did he see that you didn't? What did you see that he didn't?

The fundamental question that undergirds all writing is: do the words you are using to convey what you're thinking actually doing the job? Are you being as clear as you wish to be in what you're saying, or could it be that what you're saying is the stumbling block?

Clarity by itself isn't an end-all and be-all. Lots of works are utterly clear and yet not worth the paper they're written on, while others, like James Joyce's Ulysses, are so bereft of clarity that it takes real effort to get what he's saying (or what you think he's saying). But for most of us, clarity is a key element of good writing, because little is more frustrating than trying to unlock the writer's intentions.

Try this: try to say the same thing you're trying to convey in different ways. Tell a story trying to use half the words. Tell the same story, but from a different point of view than that of the main character. If the experiments don't work, then no harm, no foul. And as a mechanic learns what's wrong with a motor by disassembling it, so can a writer often figure out what's wrong with a story or writing technique by disassembling it and putting it back together in a different way.

I suspect that your writing disappoints you because it bores you. You know what's coming next, and how you're going to be saying it, so the adventure is gone. That's especially true for writing that you re-read over and over again, not seeing the adventure but only the flaws. So here's another experiment: keep a journal... the old paper kind you write in, using a notebook. Write something every day but... and here's the key thing... never re-read what you've just written. Promise yourself that you won't read it until you've filled at least a hundred pages, or gone three months, or whatever. And keep that promise. The purpose of this exercise is to disassociate the act of writing with the act of reviewing, so that you're writing in the moment, with no prospect of reviewing and revising.

 

I don't think you understand what I'm saying at all... I'm not trying to convince you of anything. My issue is that regardless of how much I try to learn the trade, improve, and get critique, I can't help but feel like my writing (in my eyes), isn't good enough.
thanks for the advice though...

 

Well, if you can't help it, you can't help it. Wishing you better days ahead, Savannah.

 

Can't help what? I'm looking for advice here but you have failed to give me any advice relevant to my actual issue. In fact, your first reply to my post was some random stuff about a million-dollar book deal and then you went on some tangent about Alice in Wonderland. Did you ever read my original post to this thread? I'm trying to clarify my issue to you because you keep giving advice on something that isn't my issue and then your reply is "if you can't help it, you can't help it"? Wtf?

 

Hey Savannah!
I write for fun because I have story ideas in my head, and I generally can't sleep unless I build on them. I struggle with the problem of rereading my entire story before I start actually writing as well. I want to make it as perfect as possible while I'm writing it because I'm afraid that I won't remember to fix all of the inconsistencies if I write an entire version and then decide to change something. The problem I've run into with this is that it's never perfect; I always end up changing something every time I re-read. Then, I get bored and don't actually finish the project. This has happened multiple times. What I am currently trying (brand new method for me, but so far it's working) is that I am creating sections for the story. I have a heading. I have the main characters and supporting characters in lists at the beginning of the section. I have relevant research facts for that part of the story (geography, survival techniques, etc). The reason that this has helped is that I haven't felt the need to read the entire thing over again. I just read what I've written in the current section and then move on with the writing. I am also writing vaguely and adding a note where more detail is needed. At one point, I actually have written, "They fight and because of awesomeness, she wins, stabbing him in the heart with his own sword." with a note drawing attention to it that says, "Need more thorough fight description". So far, these techniques have helped me to get on with the plot of the story so I can get the first draft completed.

I sometimes read things that I write and think to myself, "Holy crap, I hope no one ever reads this because it's really awful." It helps when I tell myself that I'm writing for me, not for anyone else! But also, if the primary reason that you write is because it brings you joy, but it's not bringing you joy anymore, then maybe take a break and explore other forms of creativity for a bit. When I'm in a writing funk, but I need to express myself, I paint... and if I thought my writing was bad... let's just say none of my visual works are going to be on display in any museums. lol

 

I can't help but feel like my writing (in my eyes), isn't good enough.

If you can't help but feel that way, you can't help it. Your feelings are your feelings. That's all tf I meant. The million dollar book deal remark and the Alice in Wonderland remark were made in response to something Aceldama wrote.

Your clarification:

My issue isn't that my ego has been crushed. It's that despite what everyone tells me, I think I'm awful. I think I'm terrible at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at.

I accepted your feelings as valid and made suggestions that I thought might help you eventually resolve the issue. In doing so, I failed to give you any advice you feel is worth considering. Fair enough. Ignore it and move on, as shall I.

 

I think we all struggle with it from time to time. Partially, I think it has to do with learning more about writing and suddenly you realize how childish your previous work was. For me, I visualize a lot of my work, I am "in the moment" as if I were a spectator...and quite often I get frustrated when the words I put together don't jive with the scene my brain is showing me.
For me, I drink scotch, listen to music, and I write. And write, and write. If what I turn out is crap, oh well...and when this fails, I stop writing for a while and read a good book until my mind clears and then I go back to writing.

 

The big barrier here is that none of us are trained counsellors (and those who are would be abusing their position to start flinging out free advice on forums) so the fact that you’ve said that this may stem from self-esteem issues won’t be resolved. There’s nothing we can say here that will help you deal with that, and it unethical of us to be dealing with someone’s mental health via this medium.

The other side of this is that you’ve got three pages of good advice here, a lot of which you haven’t responded to. I deal with a lot of students who come to me with ongoing issues and all of my advice is met with “yeah but…” Eventually I have to accept (and often tell them) that I’m not sure they want advice. I’m not sure what they do want, but when someone who knows their stuff is giving guidance and it is either being passed over in silence or given a “yeah, but”, then the advice is either not what the person wants to hear or not the motive behind asking. I usually end up saying “what do you want me to tell you? What thing could I say that would make you feel better? Because you seem to have an idea of what I need to say more than I do”.

So we can cut to the chase. What do we need to say that you want to hear that hasn’t been glossed over above or responded to with hostility? We can say that to you, but it won’t help because you won’t believe us. If you don’t know what that is, then it’s odd to expect that we do, but at least everyone here tried. If the response is just to tell people that they don’t get it, they don’t understand or they’re missing your point then…I don’t know.

 

My own issues with my work is when I compare myself to others and my shortcomings scream back at me from the page. It isn't a good thing to constantly compare yourself to other writers, especially well known 'published' authors. There are so many different styles of writing and divergent things to write about which makes it impossible to judge yourself like for like. I just try and read as much as possible and I write every day, not necessarily creative writing but something. I think quite a few people write for themselves. It is just unfortunate that we are our own worst critics. Editing and writing at the same time is always a no go, although again, I imagine most writers are guilty of this.

 

Mechanically I see nothing wrong with it. I am sure there are editors that will find fault. I didn't read it with that kind of detail in mind. It was very clear. That, to me, is the only real rule in writing.

 

I read the original post in this thread and a few things struck me.

1) You used to write in your own unique style and you enjoyed it.
2) You changed your style to try and sound like someone else.
3) You're using your writing to try to correct perceived inadequacies in your real life.
4) No matter how hard you try, you can't make your writing sound like Ernest Hemingway.
5) Rather than accept this fact, you obsess with trying to correct it.

Let me share two experiences I had with my writing. The first was when I used to take chapters I'd written and send them through the Hemingway.com site that made suggestions for improving grammar and readability. We've all used sites like this. It underlines your sentences in yellow or red that it thinks should be clarified or redone. I'd go painstakingly line by line making corrections. It was hours of tedious work and the end product was so ridiculous that nobody in their right mind would write that way. I pulled out a few books from my favorite authors and marvel at how many of their sentences would have been highlighted and negated by the website. I cast all that aside. The second was when I read the book Enter, Night, by Michael Rowe. The guy had such amazing descriptions. Every other paragraph had something clever about the color of the cloud the man looked at through the window or how a ray of sunshine looked as it pierced the windowpane and warmed the smooth surface of his desk in elementary school. I pulled out my dictionary like twenty times to figure out his vocab. I marveled at his writing skills. As the story dragged on, it grew tiring, however, even annoying. When I looked back and considered the depth and quality of the story he wrote, I was really left disappointed. I went on to read Interview with a Vampire by Ann Rice and she did the same thing, only less so and the times she did it had more wit to them. The difference was that her story was better and when you get to the end of the book you can hang your hat on more than her choice of vocab. For a while, I tried to sound like them, by it was so far out of my element that it wasn't worth it. I throw in witty twists and humorous observations on occasion, but I always bear in mind that this isn't an exercise in creative writing 101. I've got readers that volunteer their eyeballs to my work and they want substance in addition to artsy flash.

What I'm trying to say is that you should write IN YOUR OWN STYLE. Paint an artistic picture that connects you to the reader. Create interesting characters and put them in challenging situations. Just do it YOUR way.

Thanks!

 

I'm late to this party, but I gotta say you did a pretty damn good job writing this. It's real, it's honest, it communicates just fine.

With your fiction, proceed accordingly.

(Just my view from a distance.)

 

Hi there, hope you don't mind me keeping it short and sweet (my own definition of sweet...)

Sounds like you've started a new religion already. Now your duty as guru is to gather believers.
You probably haven't even done that, right? I wonder why...

In other words, you are working as a poet on prose. I don't know what you are up to, but I can totally dig how you'd end up hating writing.
There are writers who type on a computer, then copy it longhand, painfully examining each and every word. This can dramatically improve results (as long as you take your time, do your homework and come already with a filled suitcase). However what you are doing is just driving yourself nuts. You can't see the whole picture, if you haven't finished you don't have the perspective of seeing the whole forest, which means in practice you are killing already your own text, since you are passing judgement on the next future sentence.
Long texts have their own structure. Editing means to take care also of that structure, so you are not even 'editing' or anything... As I've said - Just driving yourself insane!

Do you? Me, I feel glad such forums (and such writers) even exist. If I felt I was the best in writing, I'd feel such an unbearable pressure (almost a duty) to go out and scream it, and besides... What else is there to learn, to explore, to know?
Language and texts (in whatever form) have strange effects on different brains, and what comes from them leaves us speechless. If we ever cry tears as a writers and readers, they are of joy, not frustration. I suspect (like others) there might be personal reasons behind this. It is not my place to pass judgement on you, or even give you advice on that area.
I just hope you keep in mind, we come here to play, to enjoy ourselves and to test the limits of the craft.
The rest of assumptions, personal or even political... That's up to you as individual.

At times I wish I could express myself on different ways, I'm impatient and in a hurry, after all we'd love to share our 'best bits', so... I'm no different from others.
Hatred however is a different word. I don't 'hate my omelettes' even though they are not perfect. I don't 'hate' the way I iron my clothes. I don't 'hate' how I suck at Russian, I know I need more practice (years!) before I'm able to read, write and carry a conversation with a native speaker.

The way I deal with people tells about my character (or 'worth' if you, as it seems, want to insist...), but the way I exercise a skill tells only of my proficiency on it.
I don't think any of us was born genius. You've got to cultivate it, otherwise , whatever you've got 'from birth' grows stale and dies.
Nobody likes to hear about hard work (or even work), but that's how it... Works.

We've been taught to want it all, and want it now, and as Neil Gaiman said, it's better to think of your career as approaching a mountain.

I hope you don't give up. Writing is one of the most rewarding activities in life. Or can be, if you allow it to be.

 

If your problem, at its core, is that you despise the writing you do, then I can't help your attitude. I can only say that I have yet to meet an artist of any sort who was absolutely satisfied with their work. There's a lot of truth in the statement that a work of art is never finished, only abandoned.

But if you truly get no satisfaction from either the process or the result of your writing, then you have no obligation to pursue it, no matter what anybody says. If the act of writing pleases you but the result doesn't, then write for yourself and forget about the opinion of others.

I sing in the shower, not because I'm pleasing an audience, but because I like the process (and, to be honest, the acoustics). I don't care if it's garbage. I'm not out to gratify anybody but myself.

 

I'm always helped by stream of consciousness journaling. When I write my thoughts as I'm thinking them 9 times out of 10 the answer to my issues show up on the page. It's the most effective therapy I've found and, in this process, a lot of good ideas show themselves too. The cliche that we are always our own worst critics is true.

 

I appreciate this post. Thanks writing it.

 

Hi Savannah,
I don't know you but it seems like the problem has nothing to do with your words but your sense of self-worth. I truly get it, I wrote a poem on this subject matter precisely on the feelings of inadequacy I get when I read others writing, I get very jealous as if basking in their light makes me smaller and more obscure and worthless. I think the heart of the problem is that you are speaking in contradictions:

"...isn't that I thought I was some natural god at writing"

It seems like you consciously process you were good, but the fact:

"....was endlessly praised and now I know I'm average."

If you knew you were average already, why would you be surprised after the fact? I'll even highlight all the other problem statements you've said in this post:

"Quite honestly, I didn't care about how good or bad my writing was."

If you didn't care you'd be writing diaries or personal stories and not go unto a forum for writers.

"I just wrote because I had a bunch of stories to tell and I wanted to write them."

If you only wanted to write them you'd have no problem with how good they were.

"People praising me was just a bonus"

I disagree here, I feel that sometimes it's true and sometimes we feel good from the validation people give us. I think you liked getting told you were a good writer but then something changed.

"(and sometimes I even had people tell me "this sucks", but I didn't care because I enjoyed it)."

Ah, so now we are getting to the root of the problem, so you believe that you enjoyed writing and didn't care about what others thought. But is this really true though? You've made several references to how others feel about your writing and how they've expressed admiration. The other thing you've shown is that you haven't been able to internalise that praise because you are having unrealistic standards for yourself.

"People still tell me I'm a great writer, but I just can't believe it myself. "

That seems to be the issue and it's not something we can actively help you with. I can't take a look at your writing and tell you it's good to boost your confidence because I'd just be another asshole praising your work and you won't believe me. But I think the main thing here is to face yourself even if it hurts. Maybe write about this feeling you have and express it out, it helped me.

"I had a professor last semester tell me I was a great writer and I legitimately told him I thought we had to be looking at two different pieces of writing because I feel my writing is horribly mediocre (and sometimes just absolutely awful). My issue isn't that my ego has been crushed. "

I kinda feel like it is though. If it hadn't, you'd still be enjoying writing as you say. But I think you are unable to internalise the praise people gave you after you came here and realised how vast the world actually is. Its a daunting feeling, I think every writer that isn't just some sort of talented demi God feels like that. Again, it's hard to face the mirror and look at yourself naked, you see all the scars and blemishes.

"It's that despite what everyone tells me, I think I'm awful. I think I'm terrible at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at."

Who told you you had to be good at what you love? I don't know if anyone did that. If you love writing you'll find a way to push through, heck you don't even have to love it, if you just enjoy it you still can. It's a mental set back, but you can develope a mindset that sits in that discomfort and finds a way to push through. Sometimes I'll be pushing myself really hard and I feel hopelessly inadequate, if it was me before I'd give up, but now I see it as a price of omission.

Personally I do get motivation from people praising me for my writing, and I too can have some problems internalising the praise, but at the end of the day, subjectively, me recognising the flaws in my own writing is not a bad thing. Nor is it bad to read much better writers, heck if you dont already have a sense of good writing, you'll never improve without reading better writers.

If your goal is to improve and you dont have talent, it's not about succeeding a 1000 times, it's about failing a 1000 times and being in so much pain and sorrow that you build that resilience and grit to survive it.

But all of this isn't a gotcha moment, it's about trying to bridge the gap in your contradictions. You probably knew that you were average as you say, but you had internalised your self-worth through writing so you had an inflated sense of ego through the praise. But once you were confronted by reality, your ego gets destroyed and you have to confront with your real self, not the inflated one.

This process can be painful, we all hate our own weaknesses and flaws. I personally use that as fuel to write as I did with my poem. Or I share the feelings of inadequacies with a close friend. But ultimately, I accept that's how I feel, and I use that to push through in my writing.

I don't agree you should give up writing and run away from the pain. The fact that you are fighting people who tell you to do this means you really care about it. But I'm also not going to tell you it gets easier, it's painful and it sucks and it hurts. But sometimes, very rarely, you write something from the ether and it surprises you. THEN it can be rewarding enough. But don't run away from your contradictions, face them head on.

PS: ended up becoming super long post. Sorry about that.

 

For me, I have decided to be unaffected by negative comments. I respect everyone's right to believe I'm incoherent as long as they respect the reciprocal.

It's healthy to write. It's how we speak to the future. Please don't give up. The future depends on you - in more ways than one.

 

Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one, and they all stink!

 

Some opinions are ok.

 

Oh dear. Opinion of opinion on opinions.