Discussion in 'Collaboration' started by badgerjelly, Jun 25, 2019.
I'm fine with all of it.
let's see where it goes!
Looking more closely I don’t think I can write anything. Too many inconsistencies
I think we can fix things with a few edits rather than asking you to make a complete rewrite.
Firstly, Some Guy:
- You’ve basically blanked out the whole time period giving no insight. - You’ve made what was previously a more mature sounding girl into a trope of a dipsy little giggling girl - nothing like what The Piper portrayed. Granted you could get away with this if you’re trying to convey her ‘subconscious’, or something, with some explanation? As is it seems like a completely different girl.
- I left a few thread dangling to take up. They are still dangling.
- Same as last comment. Given that her mother had put an implant (of some sort) in her I’d have thought you might have mentioned this?
- Her mother is dead too. No mention?
- Tulkan doesn’t have eyes.
- Laysmither is a rookie - that has been made clear.
- If this is a liar lying about a liar ... well, no thanks. You may as well have said ‘it was all just a dream’. That said, Laysmither could have falsified the report sent to The Arbiter. I’d say it’s a step to far to insinuate everything I wrote was a possible lie (the fight scene maybe).
- The other team are another team. Laysmither is not part of that team ; they are competing in the Hunt.
- Laysmither isn’t the team leader, Oosh is.
note: I was trying to tie the ‘Prize’ into this from Some Guy’s opening:
“My reward was transcendence to the next plane. Then I would be pulled home and granted the privilege to reproduce - the greatest transcendence. A worthy reward.”
As for the confusion about where Some Guy’s character was ... could be practically anywhere? Given that around 24 hours had passed it may have just hitched a ride in the girl - either way they were Hunting it down (Realm Lurker), maybe it had just departed the girl’s body? Given that her mother had put an implant in her at some point (couldn’t been prior to her fall or after?) this may have had something to do with why Some Guy’s creature found her ‘compatible’ and if not then it may have left her body because of this.
I guess I could go back and edit my part/s so it fits the story? I’d be willing to do that, may even be fun
What do you guys say?
As far as I'm aware, Some Guy's character is still in the girl, as made clear by his last piece. I believe he asked you if your intention that his creature and the "Realm Lurker" were the same, and you didn't answer (due to your no discussion rule) so I assumed they weren't and rolled with that. In terms of the age of the character, again, the rule didn't allow for us to confer so any inconsistencies there are due to us not being allowed to clarify.
I skipped over any mention of my character's mother, since I wasn't sure if your character - Blessi the Baker? - was her mother or not. Whatever implant you mention, I'm afraid I missed that too. And whether she died or not? God, I wasn't even sure. And all that is because, I hate to say it so bluntly, your last entry was ridiculously long, ridiculously complex, and written in a style that made any details ridiculously unclear and un-pickable. Me ignoring the mother character (if that's who she was) was a conscious decision not to stray into territory where I didn't know what the hell had happened so far.
In terms of Tulkan not having eyes - fair enough, my apologies. Again, I missed that detail in the midst of all the above. And the initial plan was to have just left the "Laysmither is a traitor" thing with the fact he'd lied to the Arbiter about Tulkan being the traitor, but for him to have lied about that after we'd seen that I had to bring in a fake Tulkan, etc etc. I felt we needed some sort of twist there.
As for Oosh... well, I don't know what he accomplished so far, but in terms of "team leader" I always assumed that, while Laysmither wasn't the official leader, he was a much more leader-like figure - and I established this since all I remember about Oosh was that he smiled at one point. More stuff that I didn't want to write about for fear of not knowing who the hell these characters were.
As I said, there were always going to be inconsistencies with three different writers and far, far more than three characters (90% of whom were introduced by you, and another 50% of whom were introduced, and then promptly killed or left in ambiguous positions by you). Different styles, different time zones even - and a no discussion rule that hinders any kind of clarification.
Essentially what I'm saying is, if the goal of this project is just for fun, then I'd like to step out at this point, since it isn't particularly fun. If you'd like to disregard my last entry (that seems to be the intention) then feel free. Enjoy.
I would be glad to read the re-write, just because It would reveal another aspect of your flexibility. My initial attitude to this was completely open, being the least of experience. I'm happy to discuss any mis-cues, as they would reveal an area I could develop in writing. It would be good to know what 'threads' are so I can use them/ pick them up/or whatever you do with them.
The value of this excercise is lost if there is no discussion, so whatever brings us to that, I'm up for it.
The Piper -
If that’s how you feel it’s fine. You can leave if you want. Like I said, I set it up so someone new could step in if need be.
It was still in the girl? I never said it wasn’t.
It wasn’t meant to be ‘fun’ necessarily. A challenge? Yes. A chance to try some new things and play with different techniques.
Like I said, I’m willing for you two to leave things as they are and I’ll just go back and edit my parts so it fits in.
That is the value I hope!
I was hoping to limp this over the line and then discuss the issues. As is too many things don’t fit, too many loose ends and the number of inconsistencies has left me wondering which to ignore.
The Piper -
Just to be clear. I didn’t say to disregard the last entry at all. I can go back and edit my parts so it makes sense, or you could easily tweak the points I mentioned as well as Some Guy.
If you still want out it’s fine. My own experience has been 50% fun and 50% wtf? Haha! I have learn more than I imagined though
Just let me know asap and if so hope you’ll return when I try something like this again (only with MORE rules place I think). I have a tendency to go sink or swim ... I generally learn/work better under stress/pressure.
Thanks so much either way. Very much appreciated
K, so tie it off as best you can - a post-debrief from some flunky for the arbiter, who couldn't be bothered with Laysmither or any of them. Or something.
We need to move on to discussion.
I’ll take it that The Piper is out? Hope you can take part in the aftermath discussion though once we’ve finished. EFMingo is ready to step in.
Someguy - if you want to rewrite go ahead. Really though you could simply edit the dialogue between the girl and your character and then let EFMingo amend The Piper’s part?
Did you see my point about the stark change in the character of the girl’s voice from the start of the story? From my perspective she seemed quite astute, but young. Your character seemed overly confident, yet calculating. Laysmither I tried to portray as a kind of toffish oddball from some fairly backward society, yet with a clinical and almost sociopathic nature (not necessarily psychopathic, just not particularly ‘emotional’).
Anyway, let’s hear what EFMingo has to say. He’s a pair of fresh eyes and so can probably point out several things we’ve overlooked or offer some alteration to part of the story so we can finish of the last 4 parts.
The problems created can be solved in a number of ways, but I have a preference I'll lay out here that seems rather easy.
I think the story is actually rather clear all the way up through @Some Guy 's last post, but only if that creature of his is actually the real realm lurker. The creature that decimated the team can be a split portion or remains of the old realm lurker's husk dying off in a fury, while the actual creature is now transferring to the little girl. I feel like it could work out.
I also believe the last post from Piper should be entirely disregarded. It shows a lack of reading from what's already there because the characters are completely changed. @badgerjelly and @Some Guy , don't change or amend your posts because someone didn't read critically. Just disregard it entirely and we can work pretty well from there. I believe that the girl's subconscious can be a little weaker in voice, but she should try to show a bit more of her individuality and strength in further posts, especially in regards to the acceptance, or rejection, of the lurker.
Just my thoughts, let me know if I'm off base.
That settles that, I'm out, and wish all of you the best in finishing this, looking forward to seeing it finished! This was a new challenge for me and I apologise for any mistakes made and hope they can be easily fixed. Enjoy!
I do think the voice of the girl is off. If Some Guy is happy though you can do as you wish ... just get his go ahead first. It could work as being just the ‘voice’ of her subconscious, but I still feel this needs to be stated somehow because that voice isn’t anything like the original one.
Btw this was what I had in mind for Tulkan:
Sorry, I was a bit grumpy this morning because work is stressing me out. I'll calm down now.
Yeah, the girl feels like she lost a bit of years in age, and grew a lot softer. If he wants to edit it, great, if not, I can still work with it. Just let me know.
I know there some part order changes. So who's turn is it now? Is it mine in replacement of the last one? Or are you up again now?
It’s Some Guy to edit (if he wishes he may rewrite) then you then me. Then one last run to the line.
Let me have a look.
K, some slight tweaks. Let's finish this and get to discussion.
Okay, well, my goal here is to try and reign in a number of expanding plot lines and character's that we are starting to have pulling out of control. Let me know if I found any sort of ground on it trying to round to a bit of a conclusion. To my knowledge, there's only one cycle left, so that isn't that much text to turn around. If I'm way off-base with this post, please let me know so I can edit accordingly. As with @Some Guy, I'm a bit of a rookie to collaboration, other than I've done a bit of role play, so I'm just trying to improve.
Also to note, this is disregarding the last post, and picking up directly after @Some Guy 's last story post. I ended up with with 2650 words, but I felt it was a good time to let @badgerjelly take the lead on where he wanted the story to go, considering that massive middle post flipped the whole world on its head. Good fun writing this, hope it works.
* * *
Laysmither’s line of communication was met with the dead calm of static. It was a shot in the dark with Oosh, who was unlikely to reply, alive or dead, for the sake of keeping his cover while being alone. Laysmither watched the girl wearily, but tried not to dwell on her well-being. The blow he delivered to her head was necessary, but possibly too hard. Yet, something didn’t seem right about her, but he was in no place to talk to an irate father about it, even one with possible information on the whole Blessi incident. Maybe Laysmither was just too rookie, too new to the hunt. He still had some layer of compassion amidst the fine covering of constant death.
The vines of the Dragglewood trees creaked and cracked with growth and movement. He could almost sense it watching them, waiting for a sudden move to strike and consume their prey. The woods were silent otherwise. Not even the basic creatures of the forest had the complacency to interject on the quiet; the deep breath of the wild before the incoming fire. Fear was settling into the lone hunter. He wanted to await the return of the enemy team, yet the foreboding mental images of cruel and barbarous killings pocked his mind. He didn’t have any desire to be consumed, or eviscerated like the members of his team. The strong, composed manner he displayed in his report to the Arbitrators was a farce hard to complete, and Laysmither worried his inquiry into assistance would reveal his true fears to them. Enslaved race or not, he simply didn’t want to go out like that, and for nothing in return.
Waysome tremored in sudden shock from an explosive blast, and a flood of energy pulse fire opened up at a distance of two or three kilometers. It found them. The father paused his brushing of her hair to stare off into the woods in the direction of fire with Laysmither, but nothing could be seen. Laysmither was about to tell him to run with the girl, but she sat upright immediately, with eyes open. But it wasn’t natural, not in response or in action. The eyes were dead, as if still asleep, and the body moved as if a puppeteer commanded it. She never blinked either. It’s not right, he thought, this whole place isn’t right. Stray shots flew overhead, and Blessi’s husband tried to move the girl, but couldn’t. “Come on hunny, we have to go!” he whispered with quiet strength and rushing breath, but she was dead to the world, staring in the direction of battle. She was immovable as a rooted boulder. Curious.
It raged closer and closer, with audible pops from the ejecting energy rounds coming into clarity. The sizzle of burn holes in the trees filled the air with smoke and sweet smells of cooked vegetation, and possibly flesh. Laysmither flexed his burdened leg, stretching it in preparation. He got behind a downed tree for shot stability with his energy bow. They were coming, retreating. He could hear the static bursts of the chaos of battle grinding on his eardrums. They had taken the shoot-and-scoot method, attempting to wear the creature down for capture, rather than the full assault Oosh’s team mistakenly tried, albeit betrayal didn’t help. Where was that man anyhow, he thought, was he already consumed? Was his body spread in a bloody mass across the forest floor like the others?
Out of the thicket far in front of the three in wait, the feathered beast of an enemy was bounding toward Laysmither, using its huge taloned feet to grasp underbrush and bounce off tree trunks. It was in a damn hurry, with strips of its armor scraped off in large slash marks and eyes protruding in every which way as it scanned, looking like it narrowly escaped. In a few deft maneuvers, the bird bounded off the log he took cover behind, broke up to a large dragglewood tree, then fixed itself to a thick limb of the adjacent tree. That’s when he saw it, a Mirani Digger, a missile launcher for designed to strike its prey and drill through the surface to explode from within. The weapon was made as a vehicle buster, but it would do here just as well. Over the ear piece he could hear leader, Vyrth, “K’klatk!” static shocks from the fury of battle screamed into Laysmither’s ears. “You in position?”
“Kk copy k!” squawked the feathered enemy. Laysmither drew the automated archery system for the incoming peril. The thumping of distant grenades grew into cacophonous snaps as it drew closer, with trees being felled between bursts. The smell of fresh burning bark and vines invaded nostrils, reminding him of the attack and enslavement of his home world. Reminded him why he was here to take this beast down. Fear faded in clouds of falling ash and smoke in forest afar. Whether the enemy brought it down or he did, he was getting off this forsaken world, and back to freeing his home, no matter the cost.
Vyrth chimed in again “It’s trained on Rhysith now. She’s bucking hard and bearing on you at your eleven.” Laysmither looked up at the bird, its claws dug into the limb for balance, and the launcher was ready for the opportunity to show its worth. He noticed the girl as well, pupils wide and inhuman. Her father brushed his hand in front of her eyes, but she slept soundly, yet didn’t. He looked desperately at Laysmither for understanding, but found the same confusion in return. Very honestly, that was the least of his worries at that moment anyhow.
Crashing sounds broke through the brush at five hundred yards. A reptilian voice scraped on the intercoms through a strained full gallop “It’s on me brothers! I can’t make it, I can’t – No! –“ A screech and howl rose above the brush line as pain of snapped bone and flesh were realized while flying through the air at thirty meters per second. The howling body of the reptilian enemy broke over the trunk of a particularly thick dragglewood tree, its impact minorly denting wood, yet fracturing much of the creature’s spine. When the body finally landed with a hard thud, the vines immediately set to work on the fresh meat.
The crashing continued towards them with a furious, otherworldly roar, something not of this planet, or this universe. Laysmither began firing into the sound with everything he had. He wasn’t going to be taken like the twins, or disemboweled like the insane betrayer Tulkan. The ferns and vines ripped open a hundred yards from him, revealing an undulating mass of seared and blackened flesh, burned into an undecipherable mess of pain and fury. He layered on the fire, but the shots seemed to die on its skin, or pass through like it was unaffected. He really wished he had dealt with it when the vines had it. Then the rip of a missile tore through the air and impacted the thing, drilling immediately into the flesh while it howled in anger and agony. Its limbs came down buckling to the pressure, and it looked straight at the girl as it attempted its last grasp. The figure of Vyrth took shape behind it, watching with eyes of exhaustion and desire, simultaneously. He held a Darkfield Enveloper, a small, single-use, laser device that used dark field electron reflection to generate a reaction field condensing the energy around an object. The lizard was bait, but just too damn slow. Bright light split within the seams of charred flesh as the lurker husk exploded, spraying the grounds and characters alike with sinew and bits heated rotting flesh.
The disgusting tide fell upon Laysmither most of all, being directly in front of the creature. He almost threw up from the smell and the texture, scraping wildly at his body and face to remove it. Vyrth fired the beam at the explosive location, attempting to harness the ethereal form of the lurker, but hit nothing. The shell was empty. Two other members of the enemy team jumped into view, but were as confused as the rest of the group. Vyrth looked around wildly at the team, the family, of which the girl had resumed lying in place while the man shielded her body from the blast, and then finally at Laysmither. “You.” Everyone’s weapons were suddenly trained on him, and his was empty.
His throat fell through his stomach as he swallowed. “What?! No good enemy, never. I never touched the damn thing.” He dropped his weapon in fear and raised his hands. How low it would be for a Duke to grovel for his life, but these were not the one’s to cross. He wasn’t the creature, couldn’t be, but then who was? One of them had to be, it couldn’t have gone far. Someone here was a host, a shell for it to consume and feed. Not like this, he thought rapidly.
“You made the call, boy. You brought us here after your team was dead. It has to be you. You’re trying to take out the teams one by one” Vyrth said flatly, as he aimed the beam at Laysmither, who panicked and dropped to his knees. He couldn’t fail his planet, not on a simple mistake of communication. Better warriors should have taken his place. Laysmither felt a sudden rage at the thought of being erroneously executed, of being placed in a variable everlasting hell for nothing to damn his own planet to servitude.
Vyrth energized the beam on Laysmither, as it had never had a true target on the husk before. Laysmither cried out, “Good enemy, it has to be Oosh! Yeah! Oosh or…or the one of these two!” pointing the passed-out girl who seemed to be slowly waking and her father. The man gave a perplexed look and shook his head, resuming to protect his daughter and try to wake her up to leave silently. “He never came back here. It must have gotten him!” Laysmither cried out, but the energized beam stayed steady on him, waiting desperately for the trigger pull to finish its purpose.
Suddenly the weapon exploded, blowing shrapnel and pieces into the beastly leader of the enemy. It wasn’t enough the hurt him too badly, but it enraged him. He threw the trapping mechanism to the ground and searched the premises for the source. Maybe only twenty paces from Laysmither’s side, Oosh had one pistol focused on Vyrth’s body, and the other on Laysmither. The Duke was in shock, yet confused. The massive, slimy form of monstrous leader came into clear view, and Laysmither just couldn’t see him as possessed by the creature. The lurker would never be so brazen to use more weaponry and draw attention itself in the open. It was non-sensical to Laysmither, yet no one else had been left alone with the beast. He started doubt even his own being, knowing not how the creature finds a new husk. He wanted to look back at the oddly behaving girl, but didn’t dare lose eye contact with his leader. The realm lurker’s did like the young, as far as his studies had surmised.
Vyrth snarled at Oosh, with an old hatred like none other. His grip stayed at his side with his magnetically held pulse rifle, but he never directly touched it. Both their eyes met, without blinking, testing each other and waiting for a sharp movement so the feud could finally be ended. Vyrth was first to speak. “Planet by planet I searched for you, scraped by amongst the lesser civilizations because of you. My world consumed by a realm lurker, while you sought glory on more advanced planets. You made the decisions to leave my lands behind, to let my world die. For that, neither of us can make it off this world if the other survives.” Vyrth flexed his back muscles as his stance changed to engage the enemy, yet Oosh cut him off with the only thing that would distract him.
“It’s here Vyrth, right here with us. Any of you shoot me, it will kill us all,” Oosh stated in his rasping voice. The host of enemies and friends and strangers looked at each other as they never had before, darting eyes searching for a sign, anything to give a clue or show face. Long term partnerships broke in an instant as the silence was broken only in each listener by their own racing heartbeats.
The girl became fully awake during the standoff, just becoming conscious to the situation. Laysmither could hear her rustling about behind them, whispering hurriedly to her father. “What happened Daddy? Why are we here and…” her face looked disgusted with the foreign hunters “and what are they?”
“Something we need to get away from hunny, we gotta go.” He began to stand, but backed down when his movement caused nearly every weapon to edge his way. He rose his hands quickly as a sign of immediate surrender. His daughter wasn’t so compliant.
She angrily stood up, with a young person’s ignorance. “You point those guns somewhere else hunters! My Daddy and I are leaving.” Her emotions seemed honest and heartfelt, a clear estrangement to her prior unnatural behavior. Laysmither had trouble buying it. Apparently, so did Oosh. The pair turned, and walked or stumbled away, even as the others yelled for them to stop. When Laysmither looked back to Oosh, he saw the pistol was no longer directed at him, but at Blessi’s family. The others yelled louder in their respective tongues for them to stop, their attention focused on father/daughter pair instead.
Oosh moved towards Laysmither quietly during the yelling match, and nudged him with something hard and metallic on his side. Laysmither quickly turned in irritation to the discomfort only to get the message immediately; the pair of Sacth Wielders. His glance shot up to Oosh’s imposing figure and saw it again, that unmistakable smile. Oosh was here to win, and he would get his prize no matter the cost. “Let’s get to it rook,” whispered the veteran, “let’s bring this bitch down.”
Oosh set his Spagoolie pistol to a thermal flare shot, a burning hot projectile, and decided to take what looked like a gamble from Laysmither’s eyes. The rookie grabbed the wielder of his mag-belt and got up from the ground, keeping his eyes on the others as they walked away. Oosh fired his shot, and watched it streak across the forest air for a direct shoulder shot on the girl, searing and burning her flesh and bone. She screamed in horror and pain. Her father burnt his ungloved fingers trying to rip out the thermite, yelling out in shock and pain as she did, but soon only his cries were to be heard, moaning and whining for his daughter and for the pain to stop. The enemy team looked at Oosh in a horror and outrage, training all their weapons to bear down on him and Laysmither, regardless of who the creature really was. But then the confused man passed out from the pain, and the young girl stood silently, crying, yet stolid. The burnt sinew and tissue crackled and tied itself back together, closing the burn hole. Oosh traded his pistols for the Wielder, then rapidly moving to the side to place the enemy team between himself and the girl. They would slow it down when it came, as long as their confusion cleared in enough time to be relevant. Laysmither started a longer, slower circle the other way, praying the creature would go after Oosh first while it was angered. It was risky, being out in the open all alone, but Laysmither had faith in his beast of a leader.
“Not this time,” Oosh spoke, “I’ve got you now.”
Er ... you were meant to take on the girl’s story not Laysmither’s story ... anyway, you’ve put the effort in so I’ll take on the role of the girl for now.
So girl next, then Some Guy creature, then you girl again, then I’ll finish up with Laysmither.
Alrighty then. I think I can work with this. Lots of ques to pick up on. Things are clearer now, but for one last thing.
I didn't know we were playing specific characters like a role play, sorry. I thought this was a collective control of characters to push the narrative. My bad.
Oops, thought I was next. I have an idea, unless you want to wrap this up. It was (or could be) a short thing.
I’m open to sugsetions. Bit under the weather atm and have a full weekend of work. What are you thinking?
I’ve not started yet ...
It's pretty clear, for the second time, that the Lurker has attacked while the Ethereal Entity was in a benign state within the girl, who is still in control of herself. She (in pre-teen fashion) has willfully insinuated herself directly into the conflict, oblivious of consequence. The Entity must obviously act at this point - the girl and father are helpless. I had an idea that will get us off this rock and into Laysmither's worldset. I get the vibe that this planet isn't where the story is supposed to stay - as an epic.
ETA - feel better!
I’ve just figured something out ... will have to read through everything again, but think I can pretty much begin to tie everything up so it makes sense. Not sure what I can do about the implants yet, but there is time to figure that out after.
Mingo - One mistake. Laysmither shot Tulkan not Oosh. Oosh cut Blessi in half.
Separate names with a comma.