I'm told my dialogue is too "on the nose"

Discussion in 'Dialogue Development' started by Ryan Elder, Nov 30, 2015.

  1. EnginEsq

    EnginEsq Member

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    I just posted some feedback on it. Unfortunately I engaged half my wit when doing so, my apologies.
    The wheel squeaked, the grease gun spat forth it cure, and peace returned to the valley.
     
  2. Ryan Elder

    Ryan Elder Banned

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    Okay well I change the guys line then. Does that make it better if I take that line out and put in a better one, or is there still a problem with the scenario?
     
  3. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    For me the biggest issue is why the flashback exists at all - it doesn't add anything to show how Margot and Guy meet unless something important happens during the scene which comes up later , just showing them meet exchange small talk and a cigarette adds nothing to either character development or narrative

    That aside the issue with any line pretty much in that context is that Margot's behaviour needs to be consistent , when she first sees him you've got her not knowing what to say, and not having the confidence to talk to him ... ergo she's shy, quiet, proper, not used to 'being picked up' therefore she's not the type to respond to any kind of cheesy pick up line positively. If he comes out with something like that she'd be more like " I knew this was a bad idea, sorry"... walks away embarrased

    If you want her to be 'in a style to be picked up' then you need to change her early behaviour with her friend to reflect a more confident, sassy attitude.

    I'd strongly suggest that if you are wedded to writing the scene your first priority is to think about what Margot is like as a character ... then find a woman who is similar in character (or preferably more than one) and test with them how they'd think, behave etc in that circumstance.

    This also applies to Guy unless you are basing him on yourself

    That said I'd jettison the whole thing. I remember reading an interview with a famous screen writer (I forget who) where he was recommending thinking in term of what a scene is worth financially when deciding whether to include it. That is, even your average low budget film costs an average of $396k to produce (high budgets are much much more) , so if your film is say 2 hours long , each minute costs $3300.

    So if your flashback takes two minutes, is it worth $6600 to show us Guy and Margot meeting and having a cigarette ? - answer probably not unless the place that they met, or the fact that she smokes is plot critical.

    The recommendation was to apply that thinking to every scene - is it worth the cost in terms of what it adds to character, setting, or plot, if its not then cut it out
     
  4. Ryan Elder

    Ryan Elder Banned

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    I am basing Guy's way of getting women , based on my own experiences with getting women, but the character is very different than me in other ways. The original intent of the scene was to show how Guy is getting in the mind of the serial rapist villain, cause the villain is choosing victims like him, who are Mr. popular with the ladies, so the point of the scene was conveying what she looks for in a victim. However, I think I might cut that scene and move it till later, when it may make sense in a better context.

    I can change the line too if it's too creepy.
     
  5. Phil Mitchell

    Phil Mitchell Banned Contributor

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    I thought the rapists were a bunch of social outcast guys with autism/assortment of mental illnesses? Or is it this woman you speak of? Are they all rapists in the same script or are these two different screenplays?
     
  6. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    ...
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2016

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