He waited at the gate without blinking. He had been yearning for this day for over a year. His eyelids fought hard but he managed to resist the urge. Eyes watering, he felt the air scorching his cornea. “Keep staring!” barked the man in armor. A blue beam flashed his vision, blinding him and disorienting his senses. He could bear it no longer. “Fuck this man! You think this moustache is a fake? I’m taking my business to another bar". Eyes burning, he stumbled unable to find his way out of the queue. "Anyone wants to give me a ride?” I'm just practicing. The goal is to catch interest. What do you think is missing / wrong? I think the scene may be too difficult to understand. Also I'm not sure I managed to connect the reader with the main.
I'm not sure what exactly didn't make sense to you. Bear in mind its the start of a story, it should make one want to read more to understand what is going on. Or did I fail at that? OK here is a more explicit version, OK I know it is still not clear enough. Please let me know what is it that you don't understand and must be explained at this point. He waited at the gate without blinking. He had been yearning for this day for over a year. His eyelids fought hard but he managed to resist the urge. Eyes watering, he felt the air scorching his cornea. “Keep staring!” barked the man in armor. A blue beam flashed his vision, blinding him and disorienting his senses. He heard old hard drive plates spinning, as the sensor tried to make up its mind. He could bear it no longer. Shutting his eyes, he blocked the sensor with his hand, turning to the guard: “Fuck this man! You think this moustache is a fake? I’m taking my business to another bar". Eyes burning, he stumbled unable to find his way out of the queue. "Anyone wants to give me a ride?” He would rather miss his own birthday party than bear any more of this torture, just to get into a strict law abiding establishment; unfamiliar drunk girls are just as friendly as familiar ones are anyway.
It didn't pique my interest at all. You give nothing other than the fact that it is someone's birthday at a bar. You need to give the reader something to expect. This just gives a dime-a-dozen lecherous guy that whines about the line at a bar, one of the most annoying kind of people to have before you in a queue while THE most annoying to have right behind you.
Thanks for the input. Is that all that is wrong with it? Sorry I will post in the appropriate section next time. An example of giving the reader something to expect? The shorter the better.
It's vague and if this continues for another paragraph then the reader would just stop reading out of frustration. Story's opening should be intriguing, not confusing. You can accomplish that by some techniques. First, introduce the environment and the character concerned. Example: Derek opened the bar door, he could smell the stench of the drunk and it felt intoxicating. There were things he needed to do, things that meant everything to him. Or you can inter with the purpose, example: The sun was getting lower and lower with each passing minute and the waiting was making her skin prickle. Why wasn't he here yet? He should have been here an hour ago, but all that's been keeping her company is the sun and these small children playing in the park. Or o be vague but intriguing, example:He raced through the alleys, pushing waste bins out of his way in a frantic motion. He had been making a mistake after another, pushing his chances and now was being chased by the police; fantastic. Whatever you do, always bring a sense of location and character. You have started at an unknown location with unknown characters that are doing unknown things for unknown reasons and all of that happened in a long paragraph that we took around 3+ minutes to read.
I don't know why you're trying to dodge explaining the characters or the location. That should be the first thing. I didn't understand what was his reason for doing this?
