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  1. art

    art Contributing Member Contributor

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    Iron-clad rules for writers.

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by art, Aug 3, 2011.

    There are no valid rules for creative writers, we are told. I'm not so sure about that. Strikes me as the sort of arty-farty, laissez-faire nonsense a Frenchie might promulgate. So, some valid, iron-clad rules:

    1) Do not write if you are in a coma. As a general rule the results will be unimpressive.

    2) Do not choose a mode of life such that you are never able to get hold of implements that might be used for writing.

    3) If your date of birth is the 16th April 1940, you were a middling junior athlete and your politics are a peculiar mix of the dumb and the obnoxious, do not write. No good will come of it.

    Avoiding tautologies where you can...do we have any more?
     
  2. Lemex

    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    4) Never take cyanide. Writers find that such a high carbon intake can slow their writing and creativity.
     
  3. Ashleigh

    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

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    5) If you're writing in the desert, find a new profession. An index finger and miles upon miles of sand isn't as good a writing platform as you'd think.
     
  4. Seye

    Seye Member

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    6. Never write run-on sentences under water.
     
  5. TobiasJames

    TobiasJames Contributing Member

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    7) Do not attempt to think creatively when operating high-powered nuclear machinery.

    8) Deprivation of sleep for several days at a time might lead you to some original and interesting depictions of real life, but is seldom good for your inter-personal relationships.

    9) Deprivation of food and water for several days at a time is a strict no-no. Your writing is always better when you are physically able to move the pen.
     
  6. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    10) Never write rules for writers. [yes, that's a paradox!]
     
  7. VM80

    VM80 Contributing Member Contributor

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    11) Check first you have a brain. In case of emergency, you may borrow one. Attempt to
    write without one at your own peril.
     
  8. Thanshin

    Thanshin Active Member

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    If you write during work meetings, choose your topic carefully. Asking your subordinates what they think about your last piece of erotica literature is frowned upon.
     
  9. TheHedgehog

    TheHedgehog Contributing Member Contributor

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    13) Don't write and drive a car, bus, or any other automobile at a time. Results will be messy!
     
  10. Leah

    Leah Member

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    14)Writing while intoxicated may be fun at the time and seem like a good idea...but we all know how that one ends.. ;)
     
  11. Seye

    Seye Member

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    Two wrong words don't make it right.
     
  12. minstrel

    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

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    16) Write legibly, and in some language intelligible by humans.
     
  13. minstrel

    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

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    17) Do not write in invisible ink.
     
  14. Quezacotl

    Quezacotl Contributing Member

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    18) Never pet a burning dog.
     
  15. Link the Writer

    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    (19) When trying to pick a group of villains from history to write for your historical fiction, please don't use the Nazis. They've been done to death and there are LOADS of other historical villains you can write about. :>
     
  16. Lemex

    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    20) Always involve Micky Mouse in a government conspiracy.
     
  17. art

    art Contributing Member Contributor

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    21) You must not, if you're writing a racy scene and your object is sexiness rather than comedy, and, unless the setting is a fire-station or a lapdancing club or somewhere in Poland, use the word 'pole'.
     
  18. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Never swear gratuitously, goddamnit!
     
  19. Quezacotl

    Quezacotl Contributing Member

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    Never Be Redundant!
    Never Be Redundant!
    Never Be Redundant!

    Good things come in threes!
     
  20. The_NeverPen

    The_NeverPen Member

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    34) Thou shalt not abandon basic math skills.

    37) Thou shalt not listen to your Magic 8 ball.

    !2) Thoü shält löve ümlauts and revëre them ät leäst once për mönth.
     
  21. Seye

    Seye Member

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    39) The pen is mightier than the sword....more poets died that way. :(
     
  22. Link the Writer

    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    (40) If you're going to be a poet, don't go to war. I don't care how badly you want to go so you can write about your fellow soldiers fighting for the love of their country, glory, etc, you're a poet and if history has anything to say about it, you'll die. So DO NOT GO TO WAR!!!
     
  23. CosmicHallux

    CosmicHallux Senior Member

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    (41) Just remember, if you tend to write while you are sleeping, your book will disappear when you wake up. So will any paychecks that you received while selling your work in your dreams.

    So, while writing asleep may be good exercise, I can't recommend it as more than a hobby. (That is to say, it will never be quite as lucrative as alternatives, such as writing while you eat, have sex, or while you drive--though those are more risky activities.)

    (This isn't so much a rule as a general guideline--I have seen so many writers fail because they forget this one simple fact.)
     
  24. Gigi_GNR

    Gigi_GNR Guys, come on. WAFFLE-O. Contributor

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    42) Don't fall asleep on your work, or you'll find the ink imprinted on your face. :p
     
  25. AfterBroadway

    AfterBroadway Senior Member

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    43) Do not write and poop at the same time, it is not good for the heart or brain vessels.
     

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