Chapter 1 “Anne, I know you want to be a detective but you know how dangerous mysteries are. You’ve read enough Nancy Drew stories to know that.” said a dark-skin, dark hair young man at a fair skin, fiery red haired lady. “Hogwash, Frank, Nancy Drew are just stories. This is real life.,” Anne replied, “how much farther is it to the Martinez`s? We are coming up to Cinder Castle Hollow.” “We turn a left on this street and the first street we`re suppose to come to is Ben Berry Court.” A little while later Anne and Frank got to a two-storey house. A worried thirty year woman came rushing out of the house. “Frank! You finally here.” the woman said. “Yes Aunt Ada. This is my girlfriend Anne. She is the one who wants to solve mysteries. Anne this is Ada Martinez.” Frank said. “Let get into the house so we can talk.” Anne said. They went into the house and Ada starting talking “I’m afraid that my husband been kidnapped. I haven`t seen him since 9`clock on Wednesday and its Friday at 2. ” Anne said “Let us start from the beginning. You haven`t seen him since 9`clock on Wednesday night?” “Yes that`s correct. I started to get worried when he didn`t return by six in the morning. I did call his workplace and after I was told he hadn`t shown up there. I called the hospitals and there is no one who fits his description is there. I also checked the closet and he didn`t take any suitcase either or any clothes besides the ones he was wearing that night. a green shirt with blue slacks. He did call me at almost 11`clock” “Is there anything you forgot to mention? Like a note?” Anne asked. “Oh yeah. Last Sunday night he got a note and it really worried him. He tossed the note in the trash but I retrieve it and the envelope. Here is the note.” Ada replied as she handed out a paper to Anne. This is what the note says ENCUENTREME EN EL SOTANO DE el BALNEARIO de ROMANA ESTE en ONCE DE NOCHE Y VENGA SOLO.SI HACE no EL VIVE DE SU EN CASA FAMILIAR EN ESPAÑA ESTARA EN GRAN PELIGRO. “But it seems like it written on a typewriter or on a computer that has Times new Roman. This is in Spanish so I can`t read it” “um Anne? I`m right here. Give the note to me.” Frank said. He looks at the note “it says `Meet me in the basement of the Spa of Romana`s this Wednesday at eleven at night. If you do not the lives of your family back home in Spain are in great danger`.” Mrs. Martinez said, “Here is the envelope too” Anne said “its’ postmarked from here in Belle River”. Then she asked “Mrs. Martinez where did your husband work?” “Please call me Aunt Ada. He worked at Sumcan`s Travel Agency on Iron Horse Land. Its south-west of here.” Ada replied. “He kept papers in the desk over in his office which is right here. You can work through it. Oh before I forget the police officer on this case and some disturbance over at a spa’s name is Arthur Rundstrom.” They went through the desk and discovered a half-note which says et er son ce gon. “We are going to drive over to Sumac’s.” Anne yelled to Aunt Ada as she and Frank left the house. “I already phoned Roger (Brannon’s boss) to tell you that you were going to go to him” A couple of minutes later they pulled up to a 19 story building and they went inside and look at the map of the building- Sumca’s Travel Agency 10th floor. When they arrived there Anne asked the Office Administrative Assistant “Is Roger in?” “Roger? Oh Roger Mead! Do you have an appointment with him?” the confused assistant replied. “Yes I do. It concerns one of his employees who haven’t been in for the last two days.” Anne retorted. “Ada Martinez called to tell him that we were coming.” “That’s funny. I wasn’t in here when she called and there seems to be no trace of any messages from that house. Our photocopier broke so I had to go downstairs.” the assistant replied. “But may we speak to Roger anyway?” Anne inquired. “I will announce you are here.” the assistant promised. She returned to say “He will see you now.” Frank and Anne went into the very green office at the desk sat a man who looked like he spent too much time outside. “So you were sent here by Ada Martinez? I’m Roger Mead.” “Yeah. It’s about her husband; he’s been missing for a couple of days as you are aware.” Anne said. “By the way Ada says she called here but when we talked to your assistant she said she wasn’t there when the call happened. She claimed she had to go downstairs because of the photocopier being broken up here.” “Oh. But what did you come for?” “Mostly information. Did you notice a strange behaviour in Brannon Mead before Wednesday?” Anne asked. “Now that you mention it. He was a bit shaky on Monday morning when he came in. He was still shaky on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings. But I didn’t ask why.” Roger Mead replied. “I thought a relative died or something. I am going to have someone come and fix the photocopier” “Ok thanks for taking time to talk to us and when you do give them my number?” Anne said. Anne and Frank left the agency and Anne told Frank “I’m going to go downstairs to see if the assistant here was actually was using their photocopier.” “You think the photocopier were sabotage?” “Yep. That’s exactly what I think.” They went downstairs and Anne asked the first person she saw in an office “Excuse me but did the assistant upstairs use the photocopier down here?” Oh you mean Miss Rice? Yeah she was down here using the photocopier.” Anne went back into the hallway and she told Frank “She was down here” Frank saying “Um Anne? I hate to break up the sleuthing but I have to get back to my boarding house.” Anne replied: “I don’t mind. I will drive you home and then I will contact Detective Arthur Rundstrom.” Anne dropped of Frank at his home and went back to her home. The Browne home was a two-story house with a lovely view of the park across the street. She went inside “I’m home.” Her mom said “How was your day dear?” Anne replied “it was fine-and I think I’m on my first case ever!!” her mom frowned “I don’t really like you doing that but I can’t really stop you.” “I’m going to call Cecily and Lacy to tell them about the case. You wouldn’t want me to being going places by myself if Frank isn’t available-right?” Anne said. Her mom replied “You’re right Anne.” Anne then raced to the phone and called Lacy and as soon as Lacy answered the phone Anne yelled “GUESS WHAT? GUESS WHAT?” Lacy said “You and Frank are getting married-a bit too soon don’t you think?” Anne replied “No. I just got my very first case!!!” “Hold on when I put Cecily on the speakerphone” Lacy said. Not too long later Lacy said “I’m back” “I’m here too!” Cecily also said “tell us about your case.” Anne summed up the case so far. At the end of the conversation “The only thing I don’t know is what a Romana’s Spa is.” Cecily to Lacy “Didn’t we see something in today’s paper about a disturbance at a Spa which was called Romana’s Spa?” Lacy replied “Now that you have mentioned it yeah we did.” Cecily to Anne “We’ll bring it over tomorrow. Bye” “Bye” Anne replied. Anne than phoned the police station and she said “May I speak to Detective Arthur?” “Sure. I’m transferring the line.” Mr. Pizza said. “This is Detective Arthur speaking.” “HI this is Anne. I’m also working on this case too. A friend of mine is a friend of the kidnappee’s family which I understand is that you called to the missing person case and the disturbance at Romana’s Spa?” “Yeah, so, what if I was?” “Could you give me some information you found?” “No, a woman should have anything to do with the cases. I’ll eat my hat if you solve the mysteries. But I give you and your friends permission to search the basement of the spa.” After Anne and her family ate supper she went to bed.
A bunch of quick things: 1. Nice try, kiddo. Read the rules and post this in the Review Room, after you've done two constructive critiques. Regrettably, your critique of "Sorcerer's Grandson" was three sentences long, so that one probably won't count as a thorough critique. 2. We can't actually tell you anything about your plot from reading a section of the first chapter. It's a book, isn't it? There's going to be a lot going on that the first chapter doesn't show. Instead, summarize the part of the plot you need help with, and we'll try to give you relevant advice. 3. If possible, you might want to check the Spanish in the message. "De el" is shortened to "del" when written, for example, and that wasn't the only error. Just so you know, if this thread gets locked -- and it probably will, rather soon now -- it's not because we don't like you or because we want to discourage you. It's because the writers here have found that people benefit a lot from learning how to critique as well as having their work reviewed by others. After all, if you learn how to look at someone else's story and find things that can be improved, then you can learn how to look at your own story and make it better. Then all of your writing will improve, not just the one story.
Just a short comment, "said a dark-skin, dark hair young man at a fair skin, fiery red haired lady", that really threw me off. I had to re-read it because it didn't really make sense in the beginning. Perhaps you should re-phrase it somehow, less descriptive.
well I was just was trying to be descriptive-since my main character-the woman, is fair-skin (Caucasian) and her BF (the man who's saying the hook) is from Southern Spain.
1. what you posted is NOT a 'plot'!... and doesn't give any hint of one, either... 2. you need to bone up on the basics of writing period, writing fiction in particular, as there are goofs galore throughout ... 3. whatever this is, it's nearly unreadable in a solid block like that... you must insert line breaks where all the indents are lost in posting...
oh yeah always pick on the newcomer?-everyone else is doing it-when they don't have another credits for the review room-like me!!! Where's my goofs? I already explained why I have "said a dark-skin, dark hair man to a fair skin, fiery redhead woman." and don't crab about the well I spell "behaviour"- I'm a Canadian!!! I not good at doing reviews the best I could do is 3 sentences!!! If I ever make my own forum I will make sure there is no reason for reviews to get credits and if there's is-at least I can make sure they will allow 3 sentences.
No one was picking on you. People were quite polite (yet direct), I thought, in explaining the way it is here. Best way to get good at reviews is practice at them. For each story, try to think of two things you like and don't like about it. That's 4 sentences right there. It'll likely be 8 or 12 sentences if, for each thing you list, you give specific examples, explanations etc. Also, there's a reason for the rule. By giving others critiques, you'll get better at finding flaws and pet-peeves, so you'll be able to avoid such in your own writing.
With all due respect -- NOT picking on you - that's a question for the review room. Just do your 2 constructive crits and post it there. Otherwise the mods will lock your thread.
...mallory's right in that this is not the correct place to be asking that... however, i'll be kind enough to give you just a few examples, from the first 'paragraph': that.” said [shoud be a comma, not a period] dark-skinned, dark-haired fair-skinned red-haired “Hogwash, Frank, Nancy Drew are just stories[makes no sense]. This is real life.,”[should be period only] Anne replied,[should be period, not comma] “How much farther is it to the Martinez`s? We are coming up to Cinder Castle Hollow.” “We turn a left on this street and the first street we`re suppose to come to is Ben Berry Court.”[dialog of each character must be indented, in a separate paragraph, not crammed all together as you have it here] that's just for starters... the rest is similarly flawed throughout...
a tried a review and the best I could do is 3 sentences-and that's "not acceptable". I might as well make my own writing forum and have no cirtuqe rule.
That would create an entirely egocentric and redundant website with everyone yelling "Look at mine!" without looking at other's. I would recommend reading and digesting more information, especially the information that critics on this website will deliver. Good luck, young sponge
The way the Critique Workshop is set that it helps you. The idea is to beable to review and critique others writing and then beable to apply this critical eye to your own work. The more you critique others and really review them, the better you can fully analyze your own work. It also allows you to post your own work. Its a Win Win situation all around. That is if you put the work into it. You don't need to point out all the grammar mistakes, but if you are poor at grammar it might be a good way to work on it. What you can do is focus on the parts that you didn't like and explain why. If you find a sentence or a paragraph that you think can be worded better then mention them and suggest a better way. Maybe you find the characters a bit flat and boring then mention it. Also try not to let the idea that you don't have anything to contribute. The critiques are more for yourself then them. I remember I was a bit nervous and unsure of whether or not anything I said would be of any real value. The writing seemed to be better then my own so I felt like I had no right to say anything. Also if you find parts and bits that you enjoyed. Comment on them and explain why. Basicly what I am saying is critique the story as a reader. If you can offer grammatical help then thats also great. Be honest and harsh as you can, but try also to be polite and kind about it. No one likes a mean critic. But the way its set up is perfect for writers to be able to better polish their work. Its a good system, much better then the idea of no critique rule.
1. As many have said, this is the wrong place to put something up for "review," sorry :] 2. You might want to check that Spanish again. 3. As Punk pointed out, your definition of a perfect reviewing site would collapse immediately. 4. You wrote many sentences in this "plot," but you can't write more than three for a review? 5. Why ask for a review, and then bombard the critique with negativity?
I second that, if you can't take the critique then why on earth would you make your "perfect review site", clearly you wouldn't enjoy everyone critiquing your work. If there was no requirement to review other peoples work then do you honestly think anyone would bother to read what you posted? Very small chance, the way this site is set up is to ensure that everyone will fairly get critiques on their work (something you clearly don't want). Just a bit puzzled overall, you come here asking for a review, bombard people who make a very generous effort to read it, and then complain that you shouldn't have to return the favour! If you can't write more than 3 sentences then you weren't even trying.
This site is mostly a nice site. It reminds me of Scratch, where swearing is about as rare as wanted criminals ravedancing in the White House. Now, if you can't be bothered to sit down, read a story and write a review then I suggest you go on Storynetwork. Any random dude can write a story there, and flaming is perfectly accepted. Of course, if you change your mind and commit to this, we'll welcome you with open arms(well, I will).
