I hope the mods don't mind, but I'm just going to post a very short excerpt from my story here. The purpose isn't to critique the story itself or the writing (it's just a rough draft), but to see if this dialogue is too difficult to read. I have a character in the story who stutters when she talks. And she has a lot of dialogue. There's some suggestive language, but it's a pretty good example. "I don't know what my father is thinking. He's just wasting his time. Jord is suspicious of everyone, especially the brother he took the throne from," said Riog. Sineag thought for a moment and then sat down on the grass. She pulled out her bag and emptied the bones onto the ground. "You're going to ask them right now?" Riog asked. Sineag looked at him and without saying a word began to make a small nest out of finely shredded tinder. She wrote the symbols for each spirit she wished to speak with. She struck the steel against the flint and as soon as the tinder smoked, she blew on it until it burned. She then placed the paper into the fire and started to hum in that low beautiful yet eerie voice that summoned the dead to her. As she hummed, she would shake the bones and cast them to the ground over and over again. When the ritual concluded, Sineag opened her eyes. "Well?" said Riog. "They said... they said... they said..." Sineag stuttered. Riog took her hand and gave it a bit of squeeze. Of all the symptoms Sineag had, the stuttering was what frustrated her the most. The simplest of thoughts were so difficult to express. "They said... you're an idiot... That's what... what they said... You're an idiot." "What else is new?" Riog muttered. "They... they asked... why I married you... They... they say... you distract me... And threatened... to... to send a plague... but... but they can't... actually do that... so... so... I don't know why they're threatening... " She motioned Riog to lean in close and then whispered in his ear. "I'll let you tonight, though... Tonight... I'll let you... If you want. You'll really like it. I promise... you'll like it." "Later then," replied Riog with a grin. He then frowned, "Did they say anything useful?" She shook her head and then looked up. With a shaking hand she pointed to one particular woman who came from the longhouse to empty a bucket. "Her... you-you need to talk to her... that's who you should... you should talk to..."
I'd post it here with a skipped line indicating when a new paragraph starts. If the way it's posted is how it is in the manuscript, I'd say it's confusing. To me, once a line of dialogue ends and the narration begins to focus on what another character is doing, it's best to start a new paragraph, even if no dialogue occurs. But not sure if that is standard.
Also, personally, I'd normally use a lot of em dashes instead of the ellipsis to indicate stuttering, but I don't know if that is accurate or cliche.
I feel the same way. I was also going to mention separating paragraphs, and also that the whole thing in in italics. That all makes it harder to read. As for the stuttering, have you tried minimizing it? Something like "Y... you don't know wh... what I saw"? A little bit goes a long way. The way it's written above seems a little overdone to me. Maybe without the ellipses— "C-can you s-see me?" Maybe it's a little smoother. I'd make sure to not use it all the time, only when she's anxious. And maybe sometimes just report what she said rather than write it out. 'She laid out her plans, only stumbling once or twice over the words.'
I'm a reformed stutterer who sometimes relapses. I mostly got stuck on letters, and rarely on entire words and phrases. Repeating letters instead of phrases might make your dialog look a little tidier and ultimately be less tedious to read.
I stutter sometimes too, and I repeat entire words. Never been as bad as my character is in the story.
Definitely not how it looks in the manuscript. In the manuscript it's a nice neat, double spaced, with indented paragraphs. It just didn't translate well to this format.
It's also a rough draft, so it's not the most grammatically and narratively impressive thing on the planet. But I was also thinking, "If I'm going to spend time writing her dialogue, I should probably write it pretty good." A little background on the character, to try and expand this. I normally don't bother with backgrounds, but I think it might help get some suggestions in working between what I think the character should sound like and the limitations of the writing medium to create that vision. The character is a "Seer." She can speak with the underworld and seek their council and she can predict the future, though the further out the prediction, the less likely it will be accurate. The stutter isn't a speech impediment so to speak as much as it is processing disorder. It's more like her words leave her brain okay, but then they drop off for a few pints with their pals... which then a few turns into a lot and they die of alcohol poisoning before they reach her mouth. So it's not a stutter, but more like the result of the damage of what turned her into a seer.
Does it have to be stuttering? In a written story stuttering could become really frustrating. I don't think I'd be willing to risk it unless the story was so inherently attention-grabbing that they'd be willing to look past it, or if I was a really amazing writer who could pull it off. And I'm not, so I make sure to avoid possible problems like that. I have waded past off-putting things in stories before. The one I can remember being Emergence by David R Palmer, serialized in Analog magazine. It was written in a sort of shorthand, because the MC was a super-genius 11 year old girl who had learned Pittman shorthand and written her journal in it, and we were supposedly reading the journal. So the author left out a lot of words and really cut to the chase. It was weird at first, and I was on the verge of putting it down, but something held onto my attention because it was really well written despite the weirdness, and it had a killer hook. After a few pages I hardly noticed anymore, in fact I sort of liked it better than regular writing. Then I wished everything could be written like that. But that was the opposite of stuttering—it actually sped up the reading process rather than impeding it.
Does she have to stutter during every conversation? If that's the focus of the whole story like 'The King's Speech' it might need to be repeated often, but if it's just to illustrate something that it's an impediment, I don't see why it needs to pop up in every conversation. I recently read 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?' and Isadore, who is mentally challenged, has a stutter but it seemed to only pop up occasionally when he is nervous. But it really helped emphasize how he is different and struggles to appear normal.
Good question. The reason I chose stuttering above just about every other concept I considered is because it's something that would be realistically frustrating for her, could potentially be debilitating, explains why she's seemingly very "simple" in the way she expresses herself, and a small way to show just how much damage was done when she became a seer. It's also not something that's done a whole lot (and I can see why) so it won't come off as derivative or cliche. It's become part of her character, which is probably my fault for writing too much and growing attached to that. And as I said before, it's not an impediment. It's a processing disorder. More like what you would sound like if you're trying to talk while everyone else is trying to talk to you. You're constantly being stopped. You're repeating yourself. You don't remember where you were in the conversation.
Here. Let's try to rewrite this line here since this is the biggest thing she says: "They... they asked... why I married you... They... they say... you distract me... And threatened... to... to send a plague... but... but they can't... actually do that... so... so... I don't know why they're threatening... " She motioned Riog to lean in close and then whispered in his ear. "I'll let you tonight, though... Tonight... I'll let you... If you want. You'll really like it. I promise... you'll like it." So let's rewrite it to: "Th-they asked... why I married you... they s-say because, you're an idiot. And threatened t-to send a plague, but they can't actually do that, so... so I don't know why they're threatening... " She motioned Riog to lean in close and then whispered in his ear. "I'll let you tonight, though. Tonight, I'll let you. If- if you want. You'll really like it. I promise th-that you'll like it."
Okay, this is an interesting thought. I want her to have unique way of phrasing things that doesn't sound "normal". Like in this quote "They said... you're an idiot... That's what... what they said... You're an idiot." Where she's says something and then literally repeats it again. So this repetition could be the unique part of her speech and I could tone down the stuttering to only times when she's really stressed or upset. Also, the often brief sentences will assist with this as well. So this quote would be rephrased to: "They said you're an idiot. That's wha-what they said. You're an idiot." Still shows her thoughts are getting lost somewhere in that head of hers, but much easier to read.
