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  1. skip slocum

    skip slocum New Member

    Jul 15, 2008
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    Phoenix Az.

    Let the blood-Bath begin

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by skip slocum, Jul 16, 2008.

    I've been reading dozens of posts here in the grammar book and the more I read the more I started visulizing a three legged zebra walking before a pride of lions. (I am the zebra).
    to the point: I am a new writter and the story I am crafting is a fiction.
    The grammar and syntax I have chosen to use was to set the scene of a story being told by one of the characters of this "long,long ago" place in the 1300's but I didn't want it to sound like a Shakespearian play nor did I want it to sound like a police report.
    I carfully crafted each sentence trying to include humor that the reader would need to think about instead of 'in-your-face durty jokes and or story line' (please bear with me a little longer)
    We have all delt with people that didn't know that they didn't know something.
    and now I am second guessing everything I have written. I know this is grammar section that is why I am posting this here,,read the following snippit please and tell me if I am so far out in left field that I need to rethink everything.
    Joy and Bee would have nothing to do with the carriage and wanted to ride their own horse down to Hoya. They would need to change into a dress and ride in the cage as they called it on the second leg of the journey but this would serve to remind them to act like ladies once more.
    By the time everyone was ready to go half the day was gone and they rode in silence letting Joy look around saying goodbye to the fields and meadows. Megan was riding her own horse instead of riding with Matt so they could use the extra horse to pack up the goods Megan would buy in Ragus. Finally Joy looked at Megan and sighed this was the signal that told everyone it was ok to start talking once more. Megan and Joy started talking and Matt let his mind drift not listening to what he considered chatter. The three women shared the trail as Thunder carried Matt up front away from the noise. The further down the mountain they rode the warmer it got and the easier it would be to camp in the lower meadows tonight. Megan still had the look of a young bride in her eye as she watched her husband from behind. Bee smiled seeing the love in her mothers gaze and joy winked back at Bee seeing the same thing. They started making ridicules statements that made no sense and asked Megan if she agreed. When she did they teased her for her swooning but they admired her for finding the one man that could hold her heart.
    Joy let her mind slip for a moment when she remembered the night she felt his heat while his wounds clouded his reason; she blushed and with whispered words, “He is a vision isn’t he?”
    Both Megan and Bee heard what she said, “Joy” the surprise escaped both of them at the same time as they stared back at her. “What?” Megan was amused and proud that her man could fever the Queen’s blood too. When they thought the giggles had stopped Bee informed both of them that her father had almost stunted her love interests. Now the two older women looked over at Bee with shock on their faces. Bee quickly explained she would need to find a man that could favor beside him before she could marry.
    The swelling in Joy’s eyes finally let her shoulders relax figuring out what Bee was saying and she silently chastised herself for what she thought the young girl meant.
    Megan’s face beamed when she heard her daughter’s complement and as the sun started to set behind them it cast her husband in a rose colored light that closed her ears again.
    That night as they sat around the fire Megan fed him nibbles out of her own bowl and he winked at her as he trapped her fingertips with his lips at the same time. “Come on you two stop that.” Bee snorted and Joy averted her eyes to give the lovers a little privacy. Matt said he needed to go get more firewood and Megan leapt to her feet announcing she would help. As they disappeared out of the circle of light Bee was still muttering something to herself. Joy grinned with a hint of her tongue between her lips seeing there was still a pile of wood waiting for the fire.
    Megan’s eyes hadn’t adjusted to the shadows yet as she followed out into the darkness where Matt disappeared. But when he turned with the fire behind her he could clearly see her groping forward looking for him. Like a pouncing lion he came upon her and she squealed as he quickly scooped her into his arms. This made Joy and Bee openly laugh as they fell across each other making sounds of kissing to mock the absent lovers.
    When the two jokers started sighing and rolling around on the ground next to the fire Megan had to stifle her own giggles waiting for her long over due kiss. The girls had been asleep for quite a while before Matt and his wife were done collecting wood and quietly slipped back under their blankets to get some rest.
    don't worry,,just eat my heart last
  2. Scribe Rewan

    Scribe Rewan New Member

    May 22, 2008
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    Um... what's going on? Sorry I dont really understand what your asking here... could you explain again. I must be in a thick mood at the moment!
  3. Wreybies

    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Supporter Contributor

    May 1, 2008
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    Puerto Rico
    This style of writing has much in common with attempting to create a language for a fantasy or sci-fi piece. You either get it right, or it’s just gobble-die-gook. And getting it right usually requires inimate knowledge of the subject. Simply employing overlong, flowery syntactical structures is not going to really get the feel and sound you want across to your reader. The language of the time employed its own rules, and an imitation of said rules is going to appear as such, an imitation.
  4. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    May 19, 2007
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    Massachusetts, USA
    Skip, even though you are primarily looking for punctuation and grammar feedback, this is still a review request, and therefore may only be posted in the Review Room, after meeting the reviewing requirements.
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