Hi, I've been writing for I guess 3 months a story currently called "The Straight Road for Happiness". Let's say that: 1) I've never been taught how to write screenplays, I just got and read the script of "Dogville" and then tried to imitate what Lars Von Trier did, lol. 2) This was initially a way of practising english spelling and grammar since I'm not a native speaker, so yet I'm concerned with the syntactic content of my work. Now, I'm creating this thread to ask what you think, of course if you want to, about the logline I've just written. I've never written any logline before, and also I feel like my script is kinda complex I guess, so I'd like your opinion of how putting all the main concepts in it, making it clear and incisive without overwriting (as aslo someone told me from another thread I made). So here's the LOGLINE: "In a remote wild town a middle aged man, expected to take the place of a sick sheriff, is ready to leave behind his wife as well as his job in order to reach his secret love." Also I give you the main points and the plot of the story so that you can tell me if I should put something more on it. -The very very essential is a middle aged man in the grace of a corrupted and unjust old sheriff, who wants him to get his place after him ruling the town. Ken, the protagonist, isn't willing to take his place, though he's always worked for him, becoming an accessory to the sheriff's crime. Ken has always wanted to be an architect, though, since we're setting in a rural remote town, he never had much to work on. Ken is also married and has a teen son. Ken falls in love though with a woman called Marianne, a smart one originally from the city (so smarter than them folks) who basically goes with any man (but no one knows it since she's a well secret keeper). The story then develops around this secret relation, which is always consumed at night. Ken lives basically a double life, one with Marianne confined inside her house, and one outside with his actual family and life. Ken finds in Marianne his life redemption as well as the only way of reaching his real happiness, so he struggles figuring out a way of reaching her and letting everything else behind. A process of transfiguration that doesn't go well, resulting in the protagonist ever further from his lover and with a growing distorted vision of the actual reality. At the end Marianne will dump Ken, already left alone by his family. This triggers the final stage of the transfiguration resulting in a total separation from the real world and the entrance in a new dimension confined inside Ken's mind itself. In this new dimension Ken seems to finally reach his lover, now walking towards her in order to reunite, meanwhile he still lives in the real world where crossing a street he's run over and dies. - A second aspect of the story is the twine of ethics and philosophy. The script begins with Ken entering an humble estate and sitting at a table with a certain Wise Old Man. Basically he's the representation of God. After the Wise Old Man introduces the reasons for which Ken's been brought to his table and for which he's interested in his story we're sent back to the past where the plot up here begins. This dialogue between Ken and the Old Wise Man occasionally reappears during the whole story, giving Ken the chance to explain his point of view and his actions. Also Ken uses and plays a famous treatise by Emily du Chatelet which is about happiness and shows how he tries to follow its main ideals in order to fulfill his passions, sometimes reinterpreting it in a sick way. Thanks so much,
This logline is really great start! To be honest, it's most of the way there. Loglines are obviously all about distilling the key conflict, which you've done well. I guess the thing that's missing here is any sense of internal conflict: How does the hero's character contrast with or outright contradict the task ahead? What do they overcome to do it, and how does this conflict create doubt in the reader's mind that our hero is even capable of achieving it? As guideline, I'd suggest thinking about the sections is brackets (below) and elaborating on them, just to slot in the extra words of description that'll really sell the idea: "In a <traditional community in which marriage vows are sacred>, a <personality: conservative/carefree?> <job title: deputy Sheriff?> abandons his life and wife <Of how many years? What's their relationship like?> to journey <across where and what, and how is this difficult?> to reach his secret love." e.g. In a small midwest conservative community, an introverted deputy-Sheriff abandons his wife of thirty years to journey across perilous Arctic tundra to reach his secret love. Obviously that's nothing like the plot of your story, but the key to the logline is emphasising conflict -- pushing the drama to make the story seem as exciting and unique as possible.
