Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

Sometimes, when my depression was worse, my writing would make me feel bad, but I'm mainly a political writer, in exile, seeking asylum here at WF. When I'd write aggressive things I'd feel guilt and not be able to see that I wasn't a total asshole for what I did, instead of just an average asshole. What I'm saying is that if you're going to share your work with others, that might be a trigger for feeling bad if the focus becomes what people might think of you or what your story might mean -- some themes and content might be safer than others. If the depression keeps you from writing, there's nothing wrong with viewing it as you would a job, where you are too ill to "go in." I wish you all the best in your recovery, it is possible, I know personally.

 

Plenty of writers battle depression. Like a previous poster said - as long as it's not a suicide note, keep writing. Though, I'd put a extra bit on that - as long as it helps, and isn't making your depression worse - keep writing.

For some writing can help. Even if you are writing down what you are feeling and not showing anyone, sometimes its helps to just have the space to get your thoughts out of your head.

I was never diagnosed formally, but I'm pretty sure I should have been on medication for depression in my teens - I wrote poetry that became darker than dark...but it helped me through what I was going through at the time - and now, I can't write poetry for grass!

Do what is safest and most helpful for you. And know that you are not alone - any time it gets too rough, you can always reach out to us.

 

To learn a bit about this issue, I just googled writing through depression and was astonished at what came up. This is apparently a very very common issue, and has lots of different kinds of responses. Take a look at some of these and see what makes sense to you.

 

Thanks for all the responses!

@BayView - I have my first proper treatment meeting with the psychiatrist tomorrow, where I wish she could give me some insight. I think it's really regular form of therapy, it's all just starting so I'm not completely sure how things works out.

@BrianIff & @SilentDreamer - thanks for sharing your own experience with this. What I am afraid is that the depression will take a hold of me and changes my work. Influences the theme and emotions the writing delivers and that is something I want to avoid. Then on the other hand, if the psychiatrist who made the evaluation of my mental state is right, it's been there quite a while so it already has affected my work. I believe writer's state of mind has a huge influence, in the end, we can't control our mind 100% (which I find scary).

I experienced an odd moment a few days ago, when I wrote a short story in a day. When it was done (the first draft), I read through it and all I could say was; 'wow, this is horse shit'. Then I had a sudden urge to delete all of it which thank the god I did not do. Whenever I have finished something like a chapter, I have never experienced such a strong reaction to my own work. That was something really disturbing, hence I started to suspect should I be writing at the moment.

@jannert - thanks for the tip. I google'd it as well and found some interesting articles about this. Some of them also seemed to have the approach of "heal the depression by writing" and had couple of ideas which could be used. Such as, writing a dialogue between you and the depression. Or writing a small amount after waking up, venting everything out to the paper so those thoughts won't growing during the day. I think I'm gonna give it a go with the dialogue one, because it had very good reasons to do so. It sets up the idea that the depression isn't part of you, but rather its own individual. I've read some psychology books in schools and this is something those taught as well.

 

How do you feel when you are writing? Not the after part when you read but the actual writing part? For me, when i go through dark moments writing is like a saving grace. Since you experience bad feelings about your own work, i suggest writing and not reviewing it until you are completely done. I am half way done with my 70,000 goal for my YA novel and I have yet to read any of what I have written so far.

 

This is a surprisingly common issue not just among writers but among all artists. So, definitely keep writing, and you're in good company. We "Creatives" have a tendency to be wired in non-standard ways - the upside being that we can dream up whole worlds in our head, the downside being that we tend to over-think and over-emotionalize the actual world outside our head.

So, personally I'd just say embrace that you have been given such a mind and keep creating. Of course, seek appropriate help for whatever issues and pain you experience (I see a therapist), but don't reject the parts of that nature that produce good things. And at some level, I've only half-jokingly accepted that I'm the type of eccentric chap who spends way too much time with his imaginary friends and then writes about them...which if you think about it is pretty awesome.

 

Hi, this is my first post. I have floated around the forum for a while and wanted to sign up just to post my response to your question.

Firstly, I implore you to not give up your writing. As someone who has suffered and beat depression over the past few years I can understand that its rare you will ever experience a time of your life when your emotions are so powerful. Writing down your feelings can really help.

Secondly, it may seem like strange advice, but don't take your "diagnosis" as a definite answer to how you have been feeling. There are SO many different reasons that your depression has manifested and yet a doctor will happily slap the title "depression" to it without further investigation. Lack of self esteem, tiredness, self loathing, difficulty getting up in the morning, anxiety and all other symptoms of depression can be linked to so many other problems. Whats worst is doctors can often prescribe the same medicine for multiple people who have the same symptoms yet all have completely different causes.

depression is a physical illness, not a mental one. The body and the brain's chemistry and internal wiring getting muddled and out of whack (it will take time but through trial and error you can actually discover what is causing how your feeling.

I want you to watch this video below, it helps explain things and may help you. my favorite quote in the video is. "a psychiatrist is the only doctor who doesnt actually look inside at what he is trying to cure."



its a video that really helped me.

 

@AASmith - well I have now met the psychiatrist for two times and we chatted about this. We came to a conclusion that my bad feelings on my work are most likely caused by the general lack of self-confidence, not by the writing act itself. Based on that, I guess there's no reason to stop writing for now. I do the mistake that once I have written a chapter, I immediately start to edit and improve it, rather than moving on...

I also decided to not take any prescriptions after listening to the doctor and couple of my classmates who have gone through depression as well. They made it sound pretty bad, told me how the meds made their emotional reactions much more 'weak', wheather it was good or bad. Then once dropping the meds, for couple of weeks the emotions were very extreme. Laughing suddenly for simple joy and in a minute, crying for something really odd. Didn't want to go through that kind of a rollercoaster...

In the end, every time I leave the doc's office, I feel good so guess there is some improvement going on.

 

I'm glad you have been able to figure it out! Whether you like your work or not keep at it because if anything it will help you to improve. A lot of writers/artists go through depression so you are certainly not the only one.

 

Definitely keep writing! In my depressive episodes, I often cannot write, but, when I push/drink (ahem) myself into it, my affect always lifts with the feeling of accomplishment, even if I've only managed to churn out a couple of lines.

 

I don't think depression takes away from the creative process. People still have the same creative ability, but depression does take away the drive and initiative to act on the creative process. I can't write when I'm depressed. I just sit around like a bump on a log.
There are several different types of depression. The first is when there is an obvious cause - money, relationships, career problems. The answer here is to work on the problems. Medication may not be the best answer and may not help at all. But there is a second type where everything can be going right, yet you still feel down. If you can't pinpoint a reason why you are feeling down, medication sometimes does help. At least it has for my daughter who has been on her "happy pills" for some years and is doing really well. And I've been on them from time to time too (they did help). There is also a third type of depression that alternates with periods of intense drive and activity, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. It used to be called manic-depression. If you have this, it is a serious (but treatable) mental illness and you definitely need medication or your life will fall apart.
Your psychiatrist will be trying to decide with you which kind of depression you have and where the best likelihood of success lies. Stick with it. And don't automatically dismiss medication if he/she advises it. There will be a reason they are suggesting it.

 

I have found that writing actually lessened the symptoms of depression. For me it was a form of escape. When this world really sucked, I could always open the laptop and immerse myself in another world where people were treating each other with dignity and respect. Or I could just kill someone off. (You'd be surprised how gratifying that can be!)

Sometime I just flat out write about the things that were making me sad. My editor loves those, he says they are some of my best works.

 

Depression is very common among writers.

Read Page Fright to find out how prevalent.

Keep writing. I find it helps keep my depression under control.

 

Thank you for your input all. I have had 6 meetings in my therapy and I have noticed clear, positive impact afterwards. Also I've started to understand lot more about the true issue, which already relieves me quite a bit. The therapist couldn't be better than she already is.

I have been writing and it was the right thing to do. I'm glad I started this thread here, also nice to read your replies. I strongly recommend and encourage to see therapist with depression, it really does help.

 

Update: This is for support, not debating whether you think mental health issues exist OR what the best treatment is for them.

It is also not for giving any medical advice besides, "Perhaps you should see a doctor?"

If you can't say something supportive, move on to another thread.

This might end up as me talking to myself, in which case I'll let it slip quietly off the front page of The Lounge..

But I thought others might benefit from somewhere to vent about their mental health issues. I know I do. My best friend is my go-to person when I'm feeling anxious or down - she suffers from anxiety too, and we're very similar people. She's currently travelling around South America with intermittent wi-fi. I don't have anyone else in my life who really understands or says anything more helpful than "Don't worry! It's not that bad!"

Sooo... I'm struggling at the moment. I think I might need to increase my dose of citalopram, because I'm feeling like I used to before I took it - constantly anxious about tiny things, or nothing at all, with a stress stomachache to match. Someone went into the back of my car on my commute home (very low impact, no injuries or even car damage) but I handled it badly and feel like a terrible human being. I just want to crawl into a hole and wait until everyone I've ever met forgets I existed.

Thankfully, writing is great escapism.

I didn't make this thread to be all about me so if anyone else is struggling, or just wants to talk to other people with depression/anxiety/etc, please go ahead.

 

Well, aside from yesterday when my boss pissed me off, I've been doing pretty good despite not seeing my psychiatrist since last... September? October? So I've been off my meds for quite some time which many here know is actually pretty dangerous. I do have an appointment on Leap Year Day to see a new psychiatrist, which I hope is much better than the last one. I am to the point though, that I think I'll just ask him to put me back on my Tegretol and that's it. I don't really want to be on fours different meds.

I hope you start feeling better, go relax and taking a nice warm bubble bath while drinking some sparkling wine spritzer!

 

Wishing you much luck with the new psychiatrist! Do you have to keep seeing him to keep getting the meds?

 

Well my other one I had to go every month. Hopefully with this new one I can go every three months unless needed. I'm working part-time and going to school full-time, so taking a day off work is a pain in the ass, and I can't afford to miss a day of class because of quizzes, and they take attendance that gets factored into your grade.

 

I may or may not be transforming from hardcore introvert to full-on sociopath.

My empathy and regard for others is plummeting rapidly, and I can't really bring myself to worry over it. It doesn't bother me, but people sure as fuck do.

 

Thanks, @Tenderiser . This thread needs to be stickied.

It sucks to have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I'll tell you that much. It's like an invisible hand reaching over and gripping your heart, filling you with a sense of dread, uncertainty, worry of some horrible thing that will happen in the future, or regret over things I've done or didn't do in the past.

Exercise and meditation has done some good for me, but I'll need to get into the habit of doing it daily, setting aside a time when I'm not too busy to do it. I've just started out, so yah.

At any rate, sometimes I'm afraid that my usual stoicism, my “I'll-Get-Through-This” attitude is just a mask to hide whatever neurotic ‘inner-self’ that lies within. That's why I'm starting that routine early so that when the day comes that my stoicism is put through its ultimate test, whenever or however it comes, I can somehow push through without crumbling and downing a pack of Titan Claymore Ale.

I've compared my anxiety to a demon, or perhaps an inner bully that follows me wherever I go. Doubt, fear that others judge me poorly. The usual. For a long, long time, it had clamped down on my creativity and it wasn't until the last few months thanks to the people here, especially @Imaginarily that I finally was able to push through that 12-year-long barrier and start writing freely again without worry. Come to think of it, maybe that's why I got into video games because they offered me a clear escape from my worries. I could pretend to be someone else for a while, someone like Link or Goku. A big badass that can beat away at a physical problem without fear or regret.

My anxiety crops up in the weirdest of ways. For example, I was playing Fallout 4 a few months back and wanted to change the complexion of my main character from a black lady to a white gal with red hair, a scar on her left eye and freckles. My anxiety immediately clamped on it and called me a racist asshole for it. That I was not being politically correct.

For wanting to change the appearance of a friggin' videogame character. That I play. In the privacy of my own room. To absolutely no one but myself. In an act of revenge, I created a new character, but used the default white male and named him...Nate. The default name for the stock/default white male character and thought, “See this, Anxiety? See that man? You. May. Suck. It.”

It shut up after that. I did make characters that were of color/female, but only because I had wanted to, not because my anxiety made me do it.

The other was more recent. See, I was researching a neurological disorder for a character in my fantasy and during that time, my anxiety began to interpret any stiffness and ache in my body to having a neurological disorder. It had gotten to the point where I had to pretty much write down a journal entry reminding myself that researching illnesses/diseases/conditions does not give you the illness/disease/condition.

@Lewdog - Good luck, buddy!

@Imaginarily - My fear is becoming a cynical, sour, mean-spirited asshole. Y'know, the grumpy old person that can't seem to say anything nice, will always find some way to take something beautiful and shred it to pieces. The kind that goes off on a nasty rant about something or someone, the kind that -- well, you get the idea. I don't want to be that person but of late, I've caught myself making snide commentaries in my head at other drivers who cut me off, or of people who could clearly walk fast enough but choose not to. I question their person rather than their actions, or imagine something nasty about them, like maybe their dad was Jabba the Hutt.

My philosophy is turning into: “Only help the people you care about, or at least respect. The rest, I expect a reward when I'm through!” It's just so damned cynical! D:

It's...worrisome. :{ Then again, maybe I'm just being overly critical of myself, which is what I do thanks to my anxiety.

 

@Link the Writer I'm glad (and humbled) I was able to help you so much.

The same as in your writing, you must do you. If you're destined to become a sour, mean asshole, well then you be the sourest, meanest asshole you can be!


*ahem*

What I mean is, be confident. Whatever you turn into, turn into a confident version of that thing. You don't owe anybody anything, least of all those whiny cunts who scream "I'M OFFENDED!" whenever they see their worldview challenged.

If you don't want to be a mean asshole, well then don't be a mean asshole. Just do whatever feels most natural for you, wherever that lands.

...I'm rambling. You know what I'm trying to say, man!

 

Freakin' tourettism. I am really, truly not that anxious anymore, but the slightest bit of unease gives me so many facial tics that speaking becomes physically difficult. I can push through them if I really want to, but anything that makes the transition is reduced to a splintered, jittery mess, no matter how articulate it sounds on paper. I often find myself having to weigh the advantages of debating people with the consequences of looking like a complete nervous wreck while doing so.

 

Hmmm... How to sum up my mental health issues.

One one side I feel like the guardian of light, to where I protect kind, good-hearted, meaningful, caring people.
One the other side I feel like if I don't keep my mind together every second of every day I will go mad and hurt people in cruel ways.
And I believe all of this is caused by a monster that has stalked me since childhood.

So everyday is a challenge without the random outburst of anger, or fear of getting stabbed by a stranger, or fear of myself.

 

Maybe I need to be on antidepressants. I certainly suffer from anxiety and occasionally depression. Out of work now. I'm afraid of the future and ashamed of my past. Good material for writing is about all I have to say on that score. I think poor self-esteem is my root problem. Just don't think I'm good enough and that includes writing!

 

I was visiting every month, but I don't mind because 1.) I live in a city and she was 10 minutes away and 2.) My state expanded medicaid and my visits cost me about $0.fuck-nothing.

But that program got shut down, and my psychiatrist got fired and took off for India. So last Friday I got a new psychiatrist, also 10 minutes way, also who takes medicaid.

The problem? Well first she's a resident. I'm not really holding that against her, but she has to check in with her superior after every visit, so I'm really seeing an actual psychiatrist by proxy. But the second one is that I need to get my meds changed and she's not willing to adjust anything until she's got a medical history and checked in with all my old docs. Considering she's my fifth psychiatrist in three years, she has a lot of homework to do.