Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

That's what I'm figuring, it's disassociation. Like you said, it doesn't always have to come from some traumatic experience. Best of luck, @Lea`Brooks .

 

I was just kidding, I don't want to get you in trouble.

 

@Link the Writer this is what your red head should look like. She is a wrestler in the WWE named Becky Lynch... she is smoking!



Ok, enough of throwing this thread of course, back to being crazy! Yes I can say that because I'm crazy too! In fact I've been going through somewhat of a large up and down swing lately. I didn't go to class one day last week because I just didn't want to get out of bed. Then this past weekend I blew through like $800 buying some clothes and going out to eat and a strip club. The weird thing about going to the strip club is, I didn't really enjoy myself despite the money I spent. I kept thinking how degrading it was. I guess the Human Trafficking class I am taking in college is effecting the way I think about things. Now Since I got home I just can't concentrate enough to do the reading and studying I need to do for class. I'm just not sure how to get myself out of this rut, and I need to do it fast so I don't fall behind and screw up my college.

 

And that is why I couldn't hack college. Even knowing how much I had to lose, I just couldn't make myself. And when I could, I was overly-critical to the point where I couldn't hand my assignment in because I was embarrassed by it. Even when I managed to hand one in and received a good grade, it wasn't enough for me. I've always found it hard to reconcile that, as I'm naturally tuned, I'm either a complete slob or an utter perfectionist.

The money thing? I don't have a bank account. I have a friend who lets me use theirs, and they can keep an eye and see what I'm up to. I tend to live in the moment with little thought for tomorrow so the last thing I need is easy access.

 

I'm not sure if this qualifies as a true mental health issue, or if it's a symptom of our hyper-distracted, instant-gratification first world, but god damn I have huge problems staying focused on most things.

When I was a kid they slapped the ADHD label on me, but once the whole "Omg they just say that for all kids" became the default reaction to it, I was conditioned to just scoff and dismiss it as a manufactured ailment created to sell my parents drugs.

But I'm grown now and I still can't pay attention to anything, and I often seriously wonder if that ADHD diagnosis was legit. I want to fix chapter 2 and make it pretty and use the critique I've received to improve it. I want to go see my horse and lose myself in how god damn amazing she is.

I want to be able to read a god damn book so I can get in a writing state of mind and sometimes sleep at night maybe.

I can't even focus on writing this post. >.<

 

On the (somewhat) positive side, autism tends to give people a strong emotional preference for order and consistency, so it more than likely contributes to my habit of comparing social norms to each other. How beneficial is that? It depends on how much I tear myself up in the process.

 

So there's something else about this that I feel I need to share, and it concerns writing and anxiety in general.

I'm not talking about the usual writing anxiety, I'm talking about something specific. See, one of the things my type of anxiety -- generalized anxiety -- likes to do is gift me with disturbing images, unwanted images and then it turns around and makes me feel bad and question myself for having those images.

Here's a good example: a few months back (maybe even a year ago), I was doing my own thing, minding my own business when my brain started drifting off to my fantasy story. Not bad, sometimes I brainstorm ideas so I hunkered down and prepared for an interesting brainstorming session. That's when my anxiety struck. How? It asked me a question: "What if someone close to Mishu (the main character) molested her?" And it didn't stop there. No, it presented me an image, clear as crystal of the character in question getting Mishu drunk off wine and removing her shirt. It fixated on that image of that someone performing a disgusting, heinous act on her. It left me very disturbed. The character in question would never do something like that to Mishu, she would never hurt anyone under her charge in any way. I could almost even hear that character retching in horror.

"Ooookay? So you brainstormed a particular idea, found it distasteful and discarded it, what's the big deal?" you might ask. Well, that's just it. To most others, it would elicit a "Urgh, why would [character name] do that?" and move on. My anxiety, however, fixates on it. Clamps down on it and makes my mind's eye examine every last detail of it. Then it makes me feel like a monster for having that image. That it gave me. It's like, "Here's a disturbing image! Hey, quit thinking of that image! Quit thinking of that image! Wow, you're weird for continuing to think of that image. You're fucked up, you know that?"

It's not even disturbing images such as that. Sometimes, it makes my characters inexplicably naked or sans anything but underwear when they shouldn't be. Once, when I was doing my sci-fi, my brain suddenly created a delightful vision of Captain Helen Chert and the ship doctor inexplicably naked (the both of them!) in a scene that in no way called for them to be naked.

I've learned to ignore the crazy thoughts in my head, blame it on anxiety and keep on, but still, it gets annoying. Keep your damned clothes on, characters! >:[ (Though I have entertained the idea of using those images as metaphors for when the characters feel vulnerable at something -- so in the case of Chert and the doctor, maybe what's really happening is something the both of the are not prepared for in any way so they are vulnerable, hence the metaphorical nudity.)

But yeah, in short, my anxiety likes to gift me with disturbing/weird images without my consent and, if it's quick enough, make me feel like a rotten worm for having those images.

EDIT: Huh. Now my anxiety's giving me grief for sharing this with you all. It's saying, ‘They're judging you, and judging you poorly...’

 

I'm not judging you! I have that happen to me sometimes, though I don't get stuck fixating on it for as long as you do. It's not pleasant, no matter how long it lasts, and it makes me feel like an awful human being. Anxiety sucks, dunnit?

 

My therapist recently told me I've got PTSD, which I've sort of "known" (assumed) for a while now. Still, hearing a professional tell it to me was kind of a shocker. The funny thing is, about a week after this revelation, my professor triggered it, albeit very lightly. Thankfully it was over email, because I don't know what would have happened if it were in person.

I've been very depressed, stressed, and anxious recently. Nowhere feels like a safe space/comfort zone, so I can't really feel anything else. I've become unable to function. Does anyone know if I can go into a hospital to deal with this, or do I need to essentially be trying to kill my self to be let in? I've been fantasizing about jumping off a bridge, if that counts. But so far the only self harm has been mental.

 

Little quibble, he said ADD, not ADHD. ADHD is more energetic and chaotic, hence the additional hyperactive part. I have mild ADHD and Aspergers, so I have a bit of a personal weigh in on that issue.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how hard it is. Are you on medication already? If not, that may help with the suicidal thoughts. When I was going through something similar, I found this article. It's quite long, but it helped me put things into perspective I guess. If neither of those suggestions work for you, I don't think it would hurt to call around to some places and see if they'll take you in. I don't know if they will (I thought about doing the same, but never managed to pick up the phone), but it's worth a shot, right? Maybe your therapist could even suggest something for you. Let them know how hard it's been for you and how you need more support, and hopefully they'll be able to find a solution for you.

Keep us updated.

 

My doctor calls it that too, but the official DSM term is ADHD predominately inattentive. I told another poster that ADD was listed as a separate disorder in older versions, but I think that actually used to be the name for the condition in general.

I'm not sure what terminology the ICD uses. It's a little different from the American books.

 

The DSM-V does not use ADD and refers to the disorder only as ADHD. ADD no longer exists.

 

Interesting.

 

@Link the Writer I get that too. I have a little trick that sometimes works. You have to start by picturing your ideal beach, and a wave gently rolling across the sand. Then whenever you have those horrible thoughts that you don't want to think, you imagine the wave washing them away. It doesn't always work, but it can be effective.

@Acanthophis When is your next therapy appointment? Can you call in between and let him/her know you're struggling?

 

I loathe myself.

A new Bernie Sanders campaign office just opened in my city about a month or so ago. I made a donation to the campaign, which put me on their radar, and I received a phone call from the office a couple days later asking me if I'd be interested in volunteering. I had a good talk with the guy, felt hopeful about it, and planned on attending a meeting last Thursday.

Well, Thursday has come and gone and I did nothing. The guy called me again tonight and I ignored the phone call. Because I didn't want to explain why I wasn't there Thursday. I didn't want to tell him that I had no good reason not to show up except for my damn anxiety.

Going into a meeting full of strangers that have expectations of me (to do something positive for the Sanders campaign) is hard enough to handle. I don't like people having expectations of me. Because my first thought is that I'm going to fail them, and I don't want to see or hear their disappointment in me (this is also why I didn't answer the phone tonight). Add to that the actual responsibilities of volunteering, and I'm nearly crippled by it. Phone banking? I'd rather not call a bunch of people I don't know and try to convince them Sanders is the best candidate. Canvassing? Because looking people in their face is better (not). He said I could help call potential volunteers, like he did with me, and that sounds more interesting. But the fear of failure still hangs over my head.

I literally want to cry right now. I want to do things. I want to volunteer and meet people and make friends and get out of the house. And I have such excitement for these things at first, but after it really sets in, it brings fear. And my desire to have all of these things isn't stronger than my fear. It's paralyzing. And I'm sick of it.

Hate my pathetic brain.

 

So you have anxiety? Or something else? Also, go Bernie Sanders!!

 

Anxiety. Don't know what kind though. Only got the diagnosis because I was having trouble breathing and my doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong, so he just slapped anxiety on me to make himself feel like he solved my problem.

 

ADHD predominately hyperactive
ADHD predominately inattentive (informally known as attention deficit disorder)
ADHD combined type

I look like the third from an outside perspective, but I feel slow instead of fast. All the pacing around is just self-medication.

 

I have the third one. I'm pretty chaotic. So combined with Aspergers social misjudgements, I can be quite awkward when I'm not careful.

 

I'm frightened of doctors, so I'd probably never get diagnosed if I wanted to (which feels like a catch 22 in itself - someone who is mentally ill wouldn't believe thonself to be mentally ill, thus wouldn't seek diagnosis - but someone can't be mentally ill unless they seek diagnosis) but I have panic attacks regularly, where I feel withdrawn from the world and thus need to physically withdraw myself, either by hiding under blankets or inside my coat.

 

I'm not claiming to be mentally ill though. Its' just personality disorders. Only here in reference to other people's comments.

 

I've lost friends because of that - I went into anxiety mode and didn't respond to their calls or emails, and then they sent annoyed texts or emails and even when I was feeling better I was too afraid to call and explain.

Are you on any medication? Citalopram seriously changed my life. I'm not gonna say I LIKE talking on the phone now, but it doesn't fill me with dread.

Is it all medical staff or just doctors?

 

I'm not on anything. I used to have some anxiety pills, but they didn't seem to help, so I stopped taking them. Now I've moved away from the doctor that first prescribed them so I have to find a new one. My therapist can't issue medication either, but fortunately I have an appointment with her today. Hopefully she can recommend a path to medication because I need it.

I'm just fortunate that my husband understands. Shortly after I posted this, I took a shower and had a good cry. Then, since I felt better, I talked to my husband about it, and he said he'd go volunteer with me this week. I don't feel as anxious when someone is with me, so hopefully that'll help.

 

He's a keeper.