Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

For the past few days I had anxiety over my own death. Today I managed to calm myself over it by saying, "Yeah, that's gonna happen but barring any illness or accident, assume you'll live to be at around 70-80 years of age and plan your life out until that point."

 

He's coming around on the kid issue. He's just scared. But everything else is much more complicated.

I want to go out every once in a while. And he promised me all these amazing adventures.. And yet never followed through. Because he's a homebody. He'd rather sit at home and play on his computer. He's willing to do these things with me, of course. But it's like dragging a toddler to the grocery store. He just looks so angry or bored the whole time, and that's the fastest way to ruin my day. I want to buy an RV one day too so we can travel. He has no interest.

I picked the wrong analogy for the work and success thing, I think. He's a workaholic. He knows it. I've talked to him about it. But he says he's working hard now so he can relax when he retires. He's doing it for me, he says, so that I never want for anything. Except I want his time, not his money. And it doesn't matter how often I say this, it never gets through to him. We've been trying to plan a vacation for two months, but he can never commit to taking off of work. That isn't the life I want.

I had adventure as a kid. My parents took us on vacations all the time. So I know it's possible. Just gunna take some balancing.

 

Of course she's wise, she's an owl, you know.

 

Yeah sorry. I say adventure to mean just experiencing things in whatever way I can. Ziplining. Wine tasting. Canoeing. Camping. Life to me is about experiences, not things. And he's the other way around. He's lived in this city his entire life and knows nothing about it. Versus me.. I know everything about my hometown. All the cool spots and hidden gems. I could fill up weeks if I visited a different place I know every day. My husband doesn't even know of any good restaurants. And I really don't want to be the only person trying for the rest of our lives.

 

Because I didn't know all this then. I thought we weren't going on vacation because he was working so much. I thought he was working so much because I wasn't working. And he swears up and down he told me before we ever got together that he never wanted kids, but I have no memory of it.

 

Mine told me when we were dating that he absolutely didn't want kids.

Fast forward a few years and he swore blind he always wanted them and denied he had ever said otherwise.

You couldn't make it up.

 

Well they say a man is not a father until he sees his child.

Anywho, you seem to be at a crossroads. You need to decide
what is best for you and your interests, not his. Sounds like
a distant relationship if I ever heard one. Not going to tell
you what you should do, but sometimes you have to let the
dead weight go. It is hard and hurts, but you have to be free
to pursue your wants and desires and all the things that make
you happy. No point in being with someone who is not really
there for you the way you are for them.

I did what I thought was right to a deal breaker, and I still
stand by my decision even if I am a miserable lonely SOB.
I doubt you would have a fraction of the trouble finding
someone that will treat you as you want to be treated, and
share in your interests.

That being said. You need to stop and have a good long
hard think on everything going on, before you make
a decision one way or another. If life was easy they would
call it something else.

Good Luck, and I Hope you will figure out what you want
out of this torturous thing known as Life.

 

Question!

I recently joined an anxiety support group on Facebook and while it's allowed me a place to vent, I've noticed that recently my anxiety level has been on edge. It was mostly low-keyed before, but after joining it's been increased to the point where some part of my anxiety is worrying about silly things like my own death.

So, um, is it normal for some anxiety support groups to, ironically, increase anxiety??

 

@Link the Writer it sounds possible. Especially if you're really relating to people and internalizing their stresses. Maybe the support group's not your thing. My brother recently started having panic attacks due to his anxiety and stress. His doctor told him to work out to burn off that excess energy that has nowhere to go except his own neurosis. It's worked (sort of) but just something to think about.

 

@Link the Writer

Yup... It happens. If you are any way empathetic, it's all too easy to internalise the fear of others and make it your own. I'm a worry magnet right now, and as much as it can good to be in a zone where others understand, hearing their fears spoken aloud might add gravity and prominence to my own. Might even get me thinking about fears not yet considered . It's bad enough carrying one neurotic person's thoughts around, never mind twelve. I want to be supportive but the attempt can make me worse. Yeah...one of those things, like reading down the list of side effects on a Migraine remedy disclaimer strip - MAY CAUSE HEADACHES.

 

Yeah, that's what happened to me. Their problems became MY problems and my anxiety got me all neurotic. Maybe that's why I started to have those really horrible doom and gloom thoughts recently?

 

That's interesting. Yeah, I suppose 'like' does foster 'like.' Support groups are usually formed so that people don't feel alone in whatever problems they are tackling. However, I can also see how they could keep the problem at the forefront of your mind at all times. I'm not sure that anxiety is something you want reinforced ...especially if other people's anxiety just fuels your own, by suggesting other types of anxiety you might not actually have suffered, if you'd been on your own.

A group can be a good thing, though. Why not try something more like meditation? I know several people who are involved in 'mindfulness' meditation practice, which—if I understand it correctly—is geared to making a person feel more at ease in their 'present' surroundings? It's not airy-fairy, apparently. It's very useful and can be implemented whenever it's needed. Might be worth a try? See if there are any groups in your area?

 

Support groups can sometimes be enabling groups, especially when there are no medical professionals steering things. If the group's not improving your mental health then I would leave it and look elsewhere.

 

And to be honest, that group was making my anxiety WORSE (oh, the irony...) To compound the issue, I forgot to take my meds for a few days. D:

I think I'm all right where I am for now, with meds and calm, mindful meditation. Where I know it's there -- the screaming child in the back seat, but I don't have to listen to it.

 

I'm so lonely... This trip can't come soon enough.

 

I could afford a hotel, or my boss offered me her couch, but I don't think that'll help me. I just need my family. I need my friend. I need to be around people who love me and support me. I'm not getting that here.

And I'm having a huge identity crisis right now.

I'm the kind of person who kind of melds around the people I date. Not because I'm trying to "fit in" or anything but because I'm typically pretty easy going, and it's easy to make their hobbies mine. But I've been in a relationship for so long, I don't know who I am anymore.

With my husband, it's video games and staying at home. With the guy before that, it was shitty music, wrestling, and white trash friends. With the guy before that, it was fishing and house parties. Before that, it was just me. I was single for over a year and I knew who I was. But that was nearly ten years ago. Who I am now?

I've been talking to Ryan a lot recently. Not in a flirty way, just two friends catching up. And the stuff he's been doing sounds like so much fun. Music festivals. Local bands. Bar crawls. That's who I was in college (minus the drinking cause underage). That was my scene. I loved going to shows and hearing new music and meeting new people. But none of the guys I dated were into that. So I let it slip away. But now I kind of want it back. The problem? My husband would never in a million years enjoy that. So would I go alone? Would we drift apart? Am I just trying to hold on to who I was when I was younger instead of finding more "mature" hobbies? I have no idea.

But now I'm starting to feel annoying. I feel like I've been talking about my problems nonstop for a week and everyone around me wishes I'd just shut up.

So I'm going to.

 

You have a lot of thinking to do, that's for sure. Keep in mind that, no matter who you are or what your circumstances are, you can't go 'back.' What you CAN do is go forward, armed with what you know about yourself. So, on your wee break, see if you can keep your mind focused on what you would like to do next, in the realistic world. Reviving your college days isn't realistic. Even if you actually WENT back to college, you'd be in a different mindset than you were the first time.

You now have a job, and a responsibility to take care of yourself, and lots of experience under your belt. Every adult needs to have a job and a way to support him/herself. So, within that framework, what do you really want? Separate out, if you can, what is purely wishful thinking and what is actually achievable in the here and now, if you put your mind to it.

Be careful you don't block out faults in people who attract you, and only see the rosy view of them through the pink glasses. If you are attracted to the 'wild side' of somebody, remember that wildness will be a feature of their lives, and unless you're prepared to chuck groundedness out the window, you may end up living with the Peter Pan Syndrome ...somebody who never grows up and only wants to have 'fun.' Great ...until you hit a crisis and they scamper off into the sunset, because their inner child still rules their lives. I'm not saying your friend Ryan is in that category...I certainly don't know him ...but I hope there is more to him than just music, bands and bar crawls. Just like it would be nice to think your husband has more to him than work and computer games.

Remember one thing. If one person satisfies you on one level, and another person satisfies you on a different level—but neither one is perfect—then accept that your life will not be perfect with either of them. Be careful that you're not depending on partnership with a man to make you happy. Make yourself happy on your own. And go from there.

But ...most importantly ...take a break. This wee holiday is the start of your journey to betterment, not the end of it. It will take a while to work everything out. You are tired, confused, unhappy and stressed. Go to a place you trust and get some rest. And yes. Have some (harmless) fun, if it's there!

 

@jannert

There's a lot of sense in what you say. I remember being told once by a good friend when I was going through a crisis remarkably similiar to Lea's, 'You can go back but you can never go home.' She was absolutely spot on. I was hankering after a time and place that no longer existed and, even if it did, I'd changed.


I haven't chipped in much of late, but I really feel for the situation Lea is in. It's painful to read. It's got me thinking about the way Lea describes her pattern of relationships, and the way she allows them to consume her. Sounds so much like me. I'm initially incredibly passive about my personal stakes within relationships. I endeavour to put my partner and their wants and desires first, even at great cost to myself. Problem is, if I don't sense similar efforts on their side to invest in mine over time, I become utterly resentful deep down and it starts to colour my perception of who they are and how they feel about me. I know from some thirty years odd years that this is a behaviour that, once triggered, can't be put back in the box. The attempt would only be like closing the stable door once the mare has bolted.

I've completely sworn off relationships. They are not worth it. I get hurt. My partner gets hurt. It's all very well for me though. I'm fifty years of age and have done the childbearing thing, never to be repeated. Although I can and do get occasionally lonely, I have my freedom, and I use it to plug the gaps. I don't do as much with that freedom as I should, but still it seems to be the only way I can feel ok about being selfish, and by that I mean being able to persue my own desires and interests, modest as they are. Realisation was a hard pill to swallow, the thought that I'd be alone for the rest of my life didn't sit easily with me, but y'know what, it's been totally worth the trade off.

It occurs to me that I, most likely, knew this all along but chose to ignore it. I'll not be making that mistake again. I'm not remotely bitter, I'm just being practical. It's not them... it's me, and I'm too long in the tooth (never mind mentally unbalanced) to change. I just needed to say, "Fuck societal expectations! They are not the boss of me." So what if I don't have a partner holding my hand at the next big function? It's just one person's mindset less to trouble myself over. I have enough trouble keeping my own marbles in order. So what if I don't have a bod to cuddle up to at night? All the more room for me and the cat to sprawl like swastikas. Never again will I have to pick someone elses scuddies up off the bathroom floor, nor cook seperate meals because they don't like what I'm having. I'll never have to argue again about where we are going or the correct way to hitch a bloody guyline on a tent. I'll never have to choose between one gig or another because our favourite bands have been booked on the same night.

When I'm feeling lonely, all I need do is shift perspective. I've discovered that loneliness, when felt within the confines of a relationship is much, much worse.


@Lea`Brooks

Not matter how bad you are feeling right now, try hard not to pin your hopes and expectations on other people. Not family, not friends. I understand you're going need need support regardless of whatever path you venture down, but look to yourself first. Although true frienships aren't diminished by time and space, they are changed, so expecting to fall back into the same groove is unrealistic. You talk about the space of ten years as if it's a long time. Trust me, it's not. And each subsequent decade will pass faster than the last. You need to ensure, whatever you decide, you keep growing and moving forward. Looking back into the past is self defeating unless you learn from it. Recognising that problems exist isn't enough, it all comes down to learning how to brave the storm alone. Once you can honestly do that, it's easier to make sound life choices.

 

I wasn't saying that Ryan sounds like fun... I was saying the events sound fun. Something that I would want to do if I were back in town with my husband. But I know he'd never enjoy something like that. So I either need to accept that we have completely different interests or leave and eventually find someone more compatible with me.

I'm not expecting everything to be the way it once was at home. I just need some support. I need someone to hug me and let me know I'm not alone, because right now, I feel so alone. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all of you more than you know. This is the only place I can really truly put my feelings into words and work through my thoughts. But it's different. I feel like I'm wrapped in cellophane. Like I'm receiving the support but it isn't quite reaching me because of some barrier that can't be penetrated. I'm not letting it penetrate. I can't let it in yet. Because I need familiarity and comfort before I can feel truly safe to think and make decisions. Here, now, I feel trapped. Like I'm stuck in a jail cell and my husband is the prison guard, watching my every move, waiting for me to slip up. At home, I can allow myself to be fully vulnerable because I know no one will judge me. There I can let down my walls and know I'll be safe and protected.

I've already started journaling, getting my thoughts down so the letter to my husband will be easier to write. I already know which parks I'm going to go to, where I can bask in the spring sun and feel the grass between my fingers (ugh, I miss grass) and the wind on my face. Forest Park. Gordon Moore. Clifton Terrace Park. Glazebrook. The Arch grounds. My home town has some amazing parks, y'all. I only have one event scheduled with my best friend. Other than that, I plan to spend a lot of time with myself in places that I love. In places where I feel safe.