Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

I started writing the letter to my husband today. It's already two and a half notebook pages and all I've mentioned so far are the trust betrayals. I haven't even gotten to the lack of listening, the different love languages, and the lack of intimacy/adventures. This is going to be a very long letter.

 

This is my life. My wife and kids are a hair shy of obnoxiously loud and I'm over here barely audible. My voice is just very low toned and doesn't carry.

I never considered the implications to people who are hard of hearing.

 

Don't leave anything forgotten. Show no hesitation. If he tries to pin all this on you, then he can take his buddy and properly fuck off elsewhere. And I'll have his Nintendo Switch since he won't be needing it in that rundown apartment they'll be bedding in.

But seriously though, show no hesitation. Unleash your emotions. He needs to know what he's done to you.

 

In her defense, though, she wasn't the one who invited in a roommate who acts more like a child than a fully-functional adult. She wasn't the one who turned a blind eye while said roommate brought in an armada of bedbugs and said nothing about it. She wasn't the one getting into kinky hot online sex with random men. This isn't a case of "you snore a lot in your sleep and kick me in the shin." This is something deeper than that.

But yes, maybe the first step is to just get all the emotions out first and put it where he can't find it.

 

As with most writing, I think it'd be important to have your purpose clearly in mind with a letter like this. If the marriage is over and you just want to salt some ground? Send it. But if you're still working on saving the marriage, I agree, a multi-page rant is unlikely to be constructive.

Might be good to treat the exercise like a critique, really - this is a person/piece of writing you loved enough to marry, so there must be some positives that could be included. "I love spending time with you and the way you make me laugh, which makes it even more painful when I feel like you're ignoring me and spending time with random women online" or whatever.

 

I'm falling apart. I can't even think properly. All I can do is feel. And it feels like my insides are being crushed.

 

I hope this will cheer you up a bit. A few years ago I was very unhappy with one of my clients. One evening I typed a very long email, venting all my feelings towards them, bad language and all, as a sort of a therapy. I never intended to send it, but I accidentally did!
We had an equally long chat the next day. I remember I wished the ground to open up and swallow me right there and then. However, things got a lot better between us, since we cleared the air and we enjoyed a few years of a great working relationship afterwards.

P.S. Relationships can be complicated... Hope things get better. All the best!

 

Lea, I've forgotten what your situation is with counseling/therapy. Do I remember that you do have a therapist, but they're unavailable for a while? Or was that someone else?

Because if you do have a therapist and there's some structure for emergency contact, I think that it's time to declare that emergency--to talk to their stand-in, of whatever is available. If you don't have a therapist, I think that it's time to talk to one quickly--for example, does your company have an EAP program?

And have you considered a hotel or other separation situation? You may need some time without his toxic presence in your space. I don't really care if he's technically toxic or just toxic-to-you; he's clearly toxic to you right now. (My perception is that he is flat-out toxic, but that's not my call. It's just my perception.)

 

I have a therapist, but I won't be able to see her until next week due to work. I might be able to shift some things around and see her sooner, but I don't know how much it's been helping.

I could get a hotel for a while, but it'd be expensive, and I don't think we could afford it. But I'm starting to wonder if separating is the best idea at this point. We can start couple's therapy and work through it there, but I don't think living with him is going to help me right now. I'm sad and he knows it. I want him to be more sympathetic or remorseful, and when he's just cold, it makes me more upset.

I don't want to get divorced. But I don't see any other outcome at this point.

 

If you're in the place you seem to be in this post - sad, but functioning and going to work, etc. - I don't think it's a crisis.

But if you're in the place you seemed to be in the last post - unable to think, feeling like your insides are being crushed - then I can't imagine you'd be much use at work anyway, so it would probably make sense to take some sick time and get in to see a professional. And if the current therapist isn't working, maybe you can ask for a referral to someone who will be a better fit?

 

It comes and goes. I've been okay the last couple days but I've been distracted. I started writing that letter and it just brought it all back into focus. Now today I'm trying to spend time with my family for mother's day and I keep having to walk away so I can cry. Deep, heaving, hyperventilating cries. All I want to do is lay in bed and play mindless games. But I can't. So I guess I'm functioning. But poorly. I had to reach out to a suicide chat a couple hours ago. I can't stop the thoughts anymore. But I'm not quite to the point of acting on it yet so I'm trying to get help before it gets there.

 

Are there people in your family who can help? Do they know what you're dealing with?

 

My parents and sister know what's going on. But my dad has next to no emotion ever. My mom is kind of unstable and she just focuses on one thing and brings it up over and over until it's obnoxious. My sister has been through this, but she lives in a different state so I can talk to her, but it's easier to have a face to face. Other than that, though, I'm pretty isolated.

 

@Lea`Brooks you're not isolated. I know we are far away, but we are here. You can talk to us, and you know we'll try to help. I know it doesn't help right now but I'll say it anyway: Living apart for a stretch is not the end of the world. Separation isn't either. There's good and fun in the world, even if you don't see it right now. Trust me, it's there. If you give yourself the chance, you'll find it again. Life will get better, it always does. Give it a chance.

 

Unless you feel that your therapist actually makes things worse, I think that you should call your therapist, tell her or her off-hours answering service that you need some help ASAP, and see what she suggests.

 

My trip is over. I had a great time, but now I'm back... And nothing has changed. Awesome.

 

@Lea`Brooks
I sorry.

 

Thanks, troll.

I mean, I guess it's my fault for expecting things to change. I guess I shouldn't have thought he'd get his shit together while I was gone. I mean, he knew I left to get distance from him. Maybe he would've used that time to think about how he could improve himself. But that's too much to hope for, right?

Shouldn't have expected him to ask me how my flights went or tell me that he missed me. Shouldn't have hoped that he would've kept up the house, gone grocery shopping, and cleaned the litter boxes. Shouldn't have assumed that we weren't going to get into an argument as soon as we got in the car.

Nope, shouldn't have thought any of those things. Because then it would've made what I have to do this week easier. Cleaning the house, doing the dishes, changing the litter boxes, wiping cat piss off the floor, and going grocery shopping the day after I get home and have to work the next six days straight are just the things I should've been prepared to do. Because then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be so pissed about having to do them.

When did I become the mother of two teenage boys who don't respect other people's spaces or know how to take care of themselves? I must've had amnesia because I sure as shit don't remember giving birth to them.

I'm going back to Illinois in July. My stepsister's baby is due, and my sister, nephew, and niece who live in Kansas are flying to Illinois to be there. Bernie can't make it in July and wants to wait until August. I told him, my sister is going to be there July 20 through the 26. And so am I. Of course he got mad about it. But I didn't go to Illinois the last time she visited because he couldn't get off work. I'm not going to miss her again.

So I'm going. Whether he likes it or not, I'm going.

 

Lea, I think it's time you looked at divorce lawyers.
My girlfriend was out of the country and out of contact for a day or two less than you and it really hurt the both of us. The things you're asking for are not difficult things or even irrational things. They are things that anyone should expect from a partner. I have watched friends and parents settle into loveless relationships because, I believe, they are too scared to be alone. Being alone is not a bad thing, it can be an amazing and liberating experience that opens the way for someone to truly connect with.

I am so sorry that you are going through this with your husband, I wouldn't wish this on anybody. But if he can't even take an obvious hint like the one you've given him (leaving) then maybe it's time to strike out on your own. I truly wish you the very best.

 

I agree with the others to some extent. Do not send the letter UNTIL you are sure you have said everything the way you wanted to say it. Let it sit for at least a week, before looking at it again.

I know this approach can work, because I've successfully done it on at least three occasions (three different guys.) But it's very important not to give the letter to them until you have said exactly what you mean for him to hear. Don't just give him the unedited rant. And it helps if you can also suggest a way forward. What would make things better, given that what has happened can't be changed?

You need to be clear about your own feelings in this matter.

BTW, the notion that you feel as if you're mother to two teenaged boys is a fairly stark image, and maybe one he'll 'get.' You might want to use that.

 

Thanks. I'd actually given up on it because everybody here was scaring me. lol But I think you're right. I need to treat it, not like a rant, but an opportunity to explain my feelings and offer suggestions. And that was the plan the whole time, but I got nervous. I'll start working on it again and make it say exactly what I want.