Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

Haven`t posted here in a bit. Haven`t posted on this forum in a bit, and even when I came back mostly just in a few select threads but wanted to get some thoughts out. Just downloading a bit. Don`t mind little old me.

Lately I`ve been unproductive, lazy, and an overall bum. Or at least, that`s where my mind`s been circling back to. In truth I haven`t been fully unproductive, and have done some fairly good and big things. My photography is hanging all around town from City Hall, to a small gallery, a small cafe, and as part of a exhibit hanging in a pretty well respected (locally) arts center. I`ve taken photo`s of some big events a motorcycle rally, a arts festival, a cancer walk, a dog show, and even taking photos for the local symphony. All charity work but that`s how you build experience, reputation, and a portfolio. One of the photographer`s I did the dog show with who is much more establish and kinda a local photographic rock star wanted to see some of my work. I`ve been going, to job fairs and interviews nothing yet but I`ve been getting out there as well as trying various freelance opportunists and looking into options like transcription. I`ve been doing a lot of charity and volunteer stuff like helping with after school programs, I`m trying to be healthier and build more muscle, i`m visualizing what I want in life and trying to build it, and I`m trying to put myself out there and in positions to do that. All good things, or in the very least signs of me trying. However none of the photography or charity work pays, none of the interviews have turned into jobs, I`m penniless and not financially self sufficient, I`m a college drop out, haven`t written much despite wanting to, I haven`t done or started everything I`ve wanted to, and things like that. Those are the things that circle about in my mind. Fact`s of my life, my mind pinpoint`s into. I know the positive side is there, the things I listed first and just the general job and things will come if I keep trying mindset. The mind just keeps pushing, the other thoughts and they do get to me.

In truth I am unproductive and "lazy". Even if I really want to like really desire to do something my motivation and energy levels fluctuate throughout the day like my mood. Which is a hurdle for me. Those photos for the Symphony and dog show still need to be edited and sent in, a local haunted house I was excited as all hell to be a part of and volunteer with hasn`t heard back from me in a while, I`ve just stopped filling out applications half way through, and don`t even get me started on cleaning. Obviously none of this is good, and something I need to find ways to overcome or push through. It also doesn`t help those circling thoughts because hey there true. It`s the one`s that involve other people that get to me the most. Just letting other people down is never a good feeling. Boyinaband (youtuber) did a song which I may add to this post as I relate to it pretty well, but there`s two separate lines that goes with this. "I wouldn’t be my own friend, I’m too inconsistent without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished " and "I wish I could focus on what I define priority I wish I was as grateful as I want to be I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable But if I did, I wouldn’t let them waste their time on me while I’m disabled". The haunted house people texted me today asking which was unexpected but nice of them. Make`s me feel guilty, they did nothing wrong. I`ll text them in the morning and apologize, explain that I put more on my plate then I could handle and got overwhelmed, and that I`m sorry. Than see about maybe still helping, with something small. Truthful but without hitting oversharing or pity me land. (That`s this post lamo) Won`t take my guilt away though.



The other day, I was feeling this way and dealing with this and popped open the YouTube app and one of the first videos I saw was this.



Now whether or not I have ADHD....EHHHHH.... I was diagnosed with it in kindergarten by a neurologist and the medicine they put me on was the difference between falling ten times on the way to the bus or three times. (sounds weird I`ll get to it.) My thyroid problems stopped the second (hyperbole) they took me off of it as well which is....not normal. A few years ago I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, a lot older than most people, get there`s. I`m considered to be at the point of the spectrum that would have been called Asperger Syndrome had they removed that term from the diagnostician. That can be misdiagnosed as ADHD a lot so it could be that. There can be a large overlap there in places. I was involved in a car crash before I was even a year old so I was diagnosed with sensory integration disorder. (where the falling comes in). A few other technical things to but my point is there could be a lot of overlap with the three and it`s a big diagnostic mess. I can however relate to, a lot of things that have to do with ADHD, whether or not I have it which is....complicated.

Regardless of ADHD the way the video`s worded and set up makes it good for anyone who struggles with any type of mental issues effecting work and productively. As the main focus is finding ways to work with you`r brain and overcoming guilt and shame. I do need to find ways to cope and work with my issues. I`ve overcome a lot of physical problems from the car crash. Was never supposed to walk, used to struggle with doorknobs, and be unable to tie my shoes. Just a few things and while I still have some issues most of it has been overcome. Now I`m in the part of my life where I am trying to find myself and build myself and a part of that will just have to be overcoming and coping with this side of things just like I did with the physical.

Getting back into therapy, may help. I`ve had a lot of therapists who just didn`t help. I did find one who did, we were a good fit and it was going well. She took a different job though, and I was getting a lot of flack from my mother who doesn`t believe in therapy over going at the time. I ignored it because the therapist was so good but I had the choice of stopping sessions or being added to another therapists load so I just stopped it. Was looking into BetterHelp for when I got some income. The virtual counseling service, that is always getting plugged on Youtube. They however, have some issues going on right now....soooo

I`ll be working on it all though. OK thoughts are out, you can carry on with you`r fourming now. Don`t mind little old me.

 

Rest assured you are not alone.
I relate to a lot of what you said. I have only just realised that one of my early warning signs is when I stop washing up. It's so easy to put off the odd bowl or plate, but then it goes on from there until I have a mountain,



which I then put off because it's too overwhelming to deal with! Vicious catch 22, but I can't seem to stop it permanently. I can clear it sometimes, and hold it back for a few days, but generally within the week, it starts again. I think I am the same with my emotions as well, cos they seem to hit me like a tidal wave of shit. When that happens, I disengage, retreat within myself, stop cooking, don't go out, don't listen to music, or write or take photos. I'm in that phase again now, in fact. Just know that you are not alone. It's one of those things that we say "oh good" about at the time, and then we get sucked into the loneliness vortex again.

I also struggle with seeing things through, hence why I have never completed a story to date. Ok, I wrote a flash fiction of under 500 words, but I'm not sure that really counts. I do poetry, cos it's more emotional, intense, and it's quick. It suits me. I do have about 20 different story ideas jotted about through 6/7 books though. One I started when I was 15. I did a page, and couldn't get any further with it. I still haven't progressed it at all.

I have also wondered whether I might have ADHD, as I tick a lot of boxes for that, though some overlap with Emotionally Unstable Borderline Personality, which is my main diagnosis. I get mood swings, which seem to have no particular pattern or reasoning to them, which can make me very angry out of the blue. I still haven't worked out how to deal with that one. Actually, I haven't worked out how to deal with any of it effectively. Maybe one day. Who knows?

 

I found this video, and thought it was really good. Helpful tips on how to cope when you're not okay.

How To Self Care:



Many thanks to @Kinzvlle for introducing me to this channel. It has been so helpful to me already.

 

I am finally able to admit it. I am not coping! Washing up mountain has become a valley. It now stretches across the hob, and onto the other side of the counter. I am even struggling with my laundry, and that is something I am always on top of! Just wish I knew what had happened, and why.

 

HowtoADHD is a amazing channel. The information is good, and the host seems very genuine and seems to base it on her own experiences. It is a ADHD channel but a lot of the information can be useful for a lot of people especially various neurodivergent people as there can be a lot of overlap between ADHD and other things. I`ve been using a lot of there productivity and organisational videos like this one.



This week I set up a bullet journal which is a journal/planning method I discovered through the channel.

Like you said to me before, just know you are not alone. My dishes are out of hand to, doesn`t help the kitchen sink`s been broke for about a year and we don`t have the budget to pay someone to fix it. It`s easy enough to start letting them go without the extra discouraging steps, and laundry is something I always struggle with up till the day I actually need a clean pair of pants. It`s easy to let things build up and for things to fluxoutate just remember you aren`t alone. I hope you`re able to get on top of at least a bit of. Even a small victory is a victory, no matter how small. .....like Horton always said.

 

My victories today were washing the cutlery, making toad in the hole, and jelly.

 

Aggressive upper body working burns adrenaline fast.

Any physical work burns it.

So it really helps.

The problem it that if you tell someone to walk or sport or... they often get a feeling that you don't take their problems seriously.

They might get pissed if you try to help with anything that really helps.

 

For me, when I am this low, going outside seems like one of the larger tasks, so I won't do it. That said, I'm meant to be going out again tomorrow, and for the second week in a row, I don't feel up to it. Ironically, I am supposed to be seeing my psychiatric nurse tomorrow afternoon, after my access with my daughter.

 

I am wondering about making a chart, where I can log my daily victories. Whatever I achieve that is more than getting out of bed, and breathing. It could work. Having said that, I didn't want to get up this morning either, and that is a very bad sign.

 

Maybe this does not help you, but I hope it helps someone:

In Finland we have huge differences in the length of daytime in different seasons.

There is a thing we call "kaamosmasennus". It means depression that comes from not having daylight. Your melatonin systems go berserk if you don't get right amount of right kind of light at right time.

It is easy to help that kind of depression with light. You need very strong 5600K - 6500K light with continuous spectrum in the mornings and daytime.

If light is good enough to simulate sun light it helps to get your melatonin systems right. And that helps you to get sleep and rest while sleeping.

I think simulating sun light is much better idea than drugs or depression.

 

I had wondered about getting one of those, but I can't find them in the Argos catalogue anymore. We don't have much in the way of electrical shops and such like in Longford, and I don't drive, so sourcing more unusual things is very difficult. Argos is the go to for most stuff like this.

 

I don't know the English word for lights that you can use in construction worksites, but part of them can work as some kind of substitute.

Some lights that are designed to video shooting might also work.

Maybe you could buy via internet?

What is the English word for this?

https://m.motonet.fi/fi/tuote/9000568/NordLight-slim-LED-valonheitin-100W

 

You remember when I said I wasn't feeling up to my appointments for today? I was right, and I wasn't. But I went to them anyway, and then broke down at the access. Got moved away from my little girl pretty damn quick too (I try not to read negatively into that, but I can't help it).
Then I spoke with the SWs, and broke down even more. Told them how I feel like I'm not good enough, Hope deserves better, she doesn't need me. I can't look after myself, how the hell am I gonna care for a 2 year old, etc etc. I mentioned about my CAMHS appointment that afternoon, and they rang my psychiatric nurse for me to ask if I could be seen earlier.
Then I went over there, and told her much the same, along with some personal history. She mentioned a walking group that they do, and said to take things in small steps. I have another appointment with her next Tuesday. Realised after I left that I failed to ask for a support letter for my Disability Allowance claim, so that's something new to worry about.

 

So, what do you do when your anxiety tells you to "please stop writing"?

Does my anxiety need a beating?

 

You could try telling it to fcuk off. I did that once, had to say it a couple of times, but it did help. Worth a shot.

 

Drowning in my normal cycle of anxiety, procrastination, guilt, shame, and then anxiety again. Deadlines for stuff are piling up and hitting close. Each day I wake up, and say i`m gonna work on this, this, and this. I never do any of it, I get discouraged from that, feel guilty, like a failure, and then the anxiety levels rise and we keep going. That cycle, keeps going in my head never gets finished nothing to show for anything and it is my fault so I feel like I can`t even really complain. There`s been some outside chaos that makes stuff distracting to. Need to just take a few days and laser focus but I don`t feel capable of that, or anything. That feeling may fade if I finish something but it`ll be back next project.

 

Been there, living that. Every day, actually. Best suggestion I can make is to break things down to the smallest possible, then do it. When you achieve one piece of the puzzle, you feel good, and are more likely to do another piece. Maybe you'll not feel up to doing another piece, and that's ok too. Don't guilt yourself over what you're not feeling up to right now. The time will come. I dunno when it will come, but it will. Maybe list what you have to get done, and put them in a priority order. Only tackle the one at the top of the list. Don't overload yourself. Easier said than done, I know. All we can do is try.

 

You`r right, that is all anyone can do. I broke everything done into a list, trying to focus on what absolutely must be done for each day for the next few days. Have projects that need done for a place I`m going to tonight to do some other work so just trying to break it down and just focusing on that part rather than getting bogged down with bigger picture or thoughts in the head. Trying being the keyword. Just gotta take everything bit by bit.

 

I've been taking citalopram for a while now and I did participate in camp nano this year. I won't be participating in nano for school reason, but these answers and testimonies did help. Thank you. I hope this conversation helps other people as well.

 

Lexapro killed my ambition in a gradual but insidious way, both for schoolwork and writing. I quit taking it, and within days, both improved exponentially. But I also have ADHD, and I had a slew of unhealthy sleep/exercise/computer habits at the time, so I'm sure that exacerbated things. In general? Citalopram and other SSRIs can have some nasty effects on motivation and emotional depth, but they can also have positive ones, so it comes down to how your individual system reacts.

I will say this: writing during a major depressive episode is a hell of a task in and of itself, so if the meds helped terminate it but produced some blunting, they might still help creativity more than hurting it.

 

Been in a hole lately, and struggling with the basics like food shopping and even feeding myself. Very bad signs. On the plus side, I have gone to my CAMHS appointments, and I've joined a walking group which I enjoy. Hopefully got a couple of other activities lined up too. Things are looking up somewhat.

 

It`s always good to (try, that`s the key word) look on the plus side, the little light out of the hole like the walking group. Which is good exercise like that is always said to help a lot of things like this but motivations hard so a groups great. Been thinking on joining a gym around here, for those reasons. I do a lot with them with community program they have but keep meaning to see what there membership takes to actually work out there. Been talking about doing that since August.....that`s going well.

but

"I still think I can get better. I still think I can create and get pleasure from it. I`ll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree and become the best version of me. I don`t want to stop."

That lyric sums up where I`m trying to be. Hoping to get more into a routine, think if I had more structure to my day that could help also trying to take babysteps into things then diving in head first and drowning. Also have plans to set better work spaces and areas in my house. Trying to both find ways to cope enough to keep myself out of a bigger hole long enough to get out of the little one i`m in and build something. Also trying to keep my mind from being my worst enemy tuning that out. This summer was good for me professionally lots of photography, pro bono all of them but I made inroads and hell people are talking to me now about paying ones. I am however well aware I can`t do that, the way I am have photos from months ago that need to be sent out that`s bad enough doing non profits if someones paying for it...I need to set myself up a system so things go out in time. Have that at least planned and hopefully in place before I take anything on. Walking back the summer was also good mental health wise I reflected a lot, evaluated goals, and made lots of plans in my head and random notebooks. September came and I wanted to start building some of that which I did, even did my first symphony job and did pretty well. Charity but still a very professional thing. Than editing the photo`s came around, and it keep`s being this daunting thing. I can edit I know if I got in there I could i`m nowhere near the editor I want to be. These programs are complex and layered as hell but just need to play around to learn. These photos still barely even started, just keep holding myself back and that kicks up the cycle I talked about in another post. October`s been a good month for me though, I mean everything I thought I`d do this month crashed like hell but I think I needed that in a weird way. I know what I need to work on if I want to get anywhere. November`s a slow month so I`m hoping....then December will bring holiday chaos and screw everything up but hey.

 

Looking back over the last few months, I can see in hindsight where things started to go a bit wonky, but I didn't address them at the time, and then other things went wonky, and before I knew it I had a full on domino effect. Hence me being in the position I am now. There's been at least 4 things that have happened in the last few months, and they have all had an effect on my my mental health, most of them negatively. If they'd happened more gradually, I likely would've been ok.
I am gonna have to make a point to get outside more, and probably birdwatch too. I know nature helps me immensely. I am generally happier being with nature than with human beings. Having said that, I think I may take a walk before it gets dark.

 

Mission accomplished.

 

Started feeling a bit blue yesterday, and it's gotten a lot deeper today. Was meant to go food shopping, but it looks like that's not gonna happen today.