1. fadspider

    fadspider New Member

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    My first attempt to joining a forum. I would love some feedback.

    Discussion in 'New Member Introductions' started by fadspider, Jan 24, 2017.

    As the title suggests, this is my first time being a member of a forum and my first post/thread. Recently I got exposed to the art of writing and I can't sleep, eat or work with all these voices in my head screaming to be written down somewhere.

    I am in dire need of feedback for my writing style. I wrote a few lines in a hope of getting feedback from more experienced writers. Please keep in mind, English is not my first language. However, I don't believe that I should be obstructed by a language barrier. I spend most of my time outside of work studying and reading literature books.

    I have no confidence in my writing whatsoever but I don't want to stop writing. I often wonder if my writing is too bland, devoid of emotions, lackluster etc. Can someone please read the following lines and give me some sort of feedback? These lines accurately convey my thoughts but do not represent my writing style. I am in process of writing a story which is 30,000 words strong, still ongoing. I have this sudden urge to know what other writers think of my work. I will accept any feedback with open arms. Sorry, for babbling for too long.

    So, yeah... Here it goes.

    Let me loose in a magical world, where after a long day of guarding the King, I escape into the woods to catch a few moments of peace. I stab my sword in the very land I stand on. As the soil of my motherland swallows the sword, I take off my helm. I find myself away from the castle, at a river bank, amongst a thousand fireflies outshining the moon. I lay my eyes on an ethereal beauty, sitting under the tree. My legs rejecting to move, mesmerized by the sight. Should I approach? Will my big armor scare? If I did approach, what words shall I utter to convey the awestruck feeling that had consumed my mind, I wonder. Seemingly, she heard my inner thoughts, big bronze colored eyes acknowledges my presence, fireflies light up her face. My eyes, widest they've ever been, captures every passing moment. The ethereal beauty in a white dress sprinkled with red floral design, tilting her head, offered me a smile. A smile, inducing weakness in my body, is unheard of. My ever active mind fails to command my body. I kneel in front of the beauty as I come to my senses.

    “A Knight of your caliber, kneeling before my eyes, to what do I owe the honor?” Speaks the beauty. Words falling out of her mouth like pearls. I smile.

    Our gazes lock, “Your beauty, my lady. It is your gracious presence that is so honorable.” I speak. “How do you manage to hide your gift from the world?”

    Raising a finger, she lets a firefly land, her eyes follow the tiniest of the firefly’s movements. “The purity of your heart is what your eyes projects, for I, my existence, is a mere illusion.”
     
    zoupskim likes this.
  2. Cave Troll

    Cave Troll Contributor Contributor

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    Where cushions are comfy, and straps hold firm.
    Well this is not the place to get a crit. Check your welcome package in your PM, it outlines the rules for these things.

    Welcome to the Forum.

    Good luck with your works and C-ya around.

    :superlaugh:
    bang-head-on-keyboard.gif~c200.gif
     
    fadspider and zoupskim like this.
  3. fadspider

    fadspider New Member

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    Thank you.

    I should've read the welcome message thoroughly before posting. I will try not to repeat the same mistake again. :)
     
    zoupskim and Cave Troll like this.
  4. zoupskim

    zoupskim Contributor Contributor

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    Welcome to the forum! Your prose looks competent, but @Cave Troll is right about posting. Hang out and read some workshop entries and find some threads about second language.

    I look forward to reading all your work!
     
    fadspider and Cave Troll like this.
  5. fadspider

    fadspider New Member

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    Thank you so much. Yes, I am currently looking at all kinds of material to get a better grasp of the language. I appreciate your kind feedback.
     
    Catrin Lewis likes this.

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