My Golden Orb!

Lasthawken awakes in a dirty puddle in the alley and realizes what has happened. He checks his belongings and I wave of relief passes over him as he realizes that his assailant must not have been watching very closely, for the orb is still in his bag, however, the gold bowling ball he had in his very large pocket seems to be missing...

Regardless he tracks the mugger through the city streets and sneaks up behind to repay the unneccessary blows. He stops short, however, when he realizes that it's a girl. It's not polite to hit ladies, so he settles for a good scare... BOO!!

 

Little did Losthawken know that BlackFire had a rare disease that caused her to vomit when startled. So when Losthawken shouted "boo" to her, she not only dropped the gold bowling ball onto his toe from the shock, but then vomited onto it as well.

As they both tried to clean up Losthawken's toe, Marina walked past Losthawken and sliced open the bottom of his bag with her extra sharp box cutter. She handily caught the orb as it dropped out of the bag, then jumped into the nearby taxi and shouted, "Floor it, driver!"

 

Kyle floored the taxi and wildly dodged through traffic. Suddenly, and with no prior warning, he swerved into a wall. Airbags deploy, metal crumbles, dust flies. Once the taxi stopped moving, Kyle unbuckles his safety restraint and snags the orb from Marina's unconscious body. "Shoulda worn your seatbelt toots."

Exiting the cab, Kyle flees into the busy masses of people gathering around the crash site.

 

Losthawken and Blackfire finish cleaning up the mess, making apologies to one another for the inappropriate behavior and embarrassing incedent. Lost turns to leave but discovers that his bag has been torn and its contents spilled. The orb missing for real this time.

He collects a small leather booklet that also fell from his bag. Opening it he begins to write and summons a creature one of his many stories.

A crash is heard as an automobile collides with a wall not far away. Meanwhile the skies suddenly grow black, as dark clouds begin to swirl. From the spiraling vortex in the sky a creature emerges flying on black wings amd trailed by a plum of dark vapor. The dragon-bird swoops down to Lost who hops on its back and takes to the skies.

Soaring through the city streets they quickly identify a goateed man in lame 70's sunglasses running the opposite direction of the crowd that is pressing toward the scene of the car accident.

Swooping down Lost and his ride (known as the Fear) knock LordKyle to the ground and catch the shimmering orb as it flies out of his grip.

All your orb are belong to US!!

 

Little did Marina know (given her unconscious state) that the bystander who saw the entire incident and was now assisting her was none other than Prince Easylipstenstein--he who was schooled in the fine art of "the kiss of life."

After restoring Marina's health by giving her the perfect kiss, he summoned his white horse, Pegasus, to carry Marina to her desired destination.

As Pegasus galloped across the now darkened sky with the fair Marina, they spotted the black Nazgul steed and his master, Losthawken, drinking water from a polluted lake below. Although it was midnight, the 2 figures were easy to spot. They had apparently not noticed the sign warning the public of the nuclear waste that had leaked into the lake, and their skin now glowed a hideous mixture of lemon yellow and goldenrod, with a tinge of fuschia for good measure. The orb lay on dry brush several yards away from the fell beast, allowing Marina to snatch the orb as Pegasus lowered them quietly to the object.

As they ascended now and flew towards Paris, France, where the Prince had made dinner reservations for him and Marina, Marina called out, "My orb!" And then: "Au revoir, Losthawken. Au revoir."

 

Losthawken and Fear were casually enjoying their victory by the side of the lake when Fear overheard some uncomplimentary whispers about Nazgul (which are unfeathered, foul, reprehensible creatures in Fear's view). Lost looked up to see that not only was Fear quite miffed but he was also glowing. Checking himself he observed that the lake had had the same luminescent effect on his own body.

Borrowing the powers of Fear, Losthawken looked through the etherverse to find the source of his sensitive bird's irritation. He spotted Marina as she wafted gracefully through the sky on her patsy excuse for a steed.

Recognizing the winged horse Lost hopped onto Fear and both vanished as they sped through the etherverse to France, and the favorite resturant of the ivory steed's master.

Apparating onto the table of prince kissyface, Fear snatched the sappy villian and disapeared with him as Lost, still glowing, took his place at the table and enjoyed some escargo as he waited for marina.

Upon arriving Marina was shocked to find Lost in place of her puckering suitor. He walked boldly up to her and took the orb from her hands.

"This will be suitable compensation for saving you from an eternity of drippy love songs and swooning."

[script]
if (orb) then {
echo 'my orb';
}
else {
die;
}
[/script]

my orb

 

Pegasus and I arrive at a small café of some sort. Surely the Prince did not plan for a romantic dinner at Le Café des Chevaux? Pegasus prances and moves his head about, clearly excited about something. As we enter the café, the maître d' greets us and leads Pegasus towards a corner table where a man awaits us. It is not Prince Easylipstenstein, however. Sacre bleu! It is the evil Losthawken, he who is master of a fell beast (in my estimation) and partaker of the water of filth. I try to hide the orb behind my back, but he walks boldly towards me. I hand the orb to him, as I have no choice. The scent of garlic, butter and salt are heavy; clearly, Lost has been sampling the cuisine of this most odd café.

At the sound of smacking lips, I look over at the table and see Pegasus chomping away at a half eaten plate of escargot.

Holding the orb in his hands, Lost says to me, "This will be suitable compensation for saving you from an eternity of drippy love songs and swoo…”

I don’t quite make out that list bit as Lost begins to wobble and his eyelids flutter. CLACK! Lost collapses onto the wooden floor as Edmund, the maitre d’, runs over to assist us. He, too, takes in the strong scent of garlic emanating from Lost’s breath.

“Sacre bleu!” he cries out. “He did not eat from this plate, did he, Mademoiselle Marina?” he asks, pointing to the plate from which Pegasus is now eating.

“I think he did. Do you think the escargot made him ill?”

“Escargot?! No, no, my dear Marina. That was not escargot, that was a horse tranquilizer to calm Pegasus down after his trans-Atlantic flight.”

“Oh, dear.”

As Losthawken is taken away on a stretcher, Prince Easylipstenstein arrives at the cafe. He helps me on to his Harley motorcycle and whisks me away to our reserved table at Le Bistro de Paris d'Amour. Well, me and my orb, snuggled safely back in my pocket.

 

I walk up to marina and exclaim "oh my god that guy broke his arm!"

when she turns around I grab the orb out of her pocket and run away.

 

Chops up fishes into fine pieces and throws it into a bucket of blood. Steals a boat from a blind, old fisher man. Goes out to deep water off the coast of South Africa and chums the area. Waits for a great white to leap, shoots it with a net, then tranquilizes it. Brings it to my underground aquarium and lets it loose. Lets the shark get acclimated. After a while of feeding it by hand I've built up trust. I build an English to Sharkese translator and detailed the plan to my new friend. Invites above poster on a surfing trip. Secretly lets shark into the cool, Pacific ocean. The above poster and I catch some serious waves until my shark buddy chomps his board. While he swims furiously to the shore, the orb drops out of his board shorts. I grab the orb. My orb!

 

How did Hsnodgrass not notice the faint phosphorescent glow of his new shark friend?

Losthawken was overcome at the bistro, not by flying horse sedatives as fun as that sounds... He was infact overwhelmed by the mutation occuring in his body induced by the polluted lake water. Everyone knows that genetic mutations always induce super powers and Lost's was no exception.

Lost took on the ability of manipulating DNA. He bacame a shark, because he could get all the fresh sushi he wanted, and he really liked sushi. He played Hisoddgrass's little game until discovering that the the feind had no intention of sharing the orb. A month of companionship and hand fed sushi is worth a quite a bit, but not worth an orb.

The Shark-hawken swims down the surfing narcisist, and consumes him, board, orb and all. He then morphs into a large owl so that he can safely regurgitate the unsavory Benidict Arnald, and retrieve the orb.

He leaves the scene and flies back to France to console his emotionally fragile pet bird who had been had recently been verbally abused by a pouchy-lipped frenchmen. Never under estimate the vulgarities of the French Language.

'who cooks for you all?'

My orb

 

Little did Losthawken know that his "emotionally fragile pet bird" was, in reality, experiencing the pangs of amour--amour for a bright yellow garbage truck he had mistaken for a female version of himself (we shall avoid naming his true species as his anti-hysteria meds have not fully kicked in).

When Lost found Fear, the "bird" was standing in front of the garbage truck while a large, burly man kept shouting at him to move.

A long line of traffic developed as a result of this. Fortunately, Marina and her Prince, on their way back to Pegasus following their splendid 5-course meal, simply weaved between the rows of cars; the choice of a motorcycle for the evening had been a fortuitous one.

As Losthawken struggled to pull his mangy fell beast Fear from the smelly truck, the orb slipped out of his hand and, as luck would have it, fell into the pocket of Marina's flowing gown as they whizzed past the evil duo.

"Sacre bleu! Was that Lost and his--?"

Marina covered the Prince's mouth and said while chuckling, "Perhaps we should just refer to it as 'He who should not be named'?"

"Haha! You are too witty, my dear, Marina," the Prince exclaimed.

"Yes, you are quite right, my Prince. And, ah, I am fortuitous as well, for I spy the orb--MY ORB--right here in my pocket!"

The Harley carried them now along the lake. Tourists walking the streets that evening swore they saw the Harley letting out heart shaped contrails... Love was truly in the air--and in the exhaust pipe, evidently.

 

Losthawken puked, and for the second time in his quest for the orb his shoes were covered in vomit. He wasn't sure if it was from the result of his recent mutations, the odder of the garbage truck, or the overbearing scent of cheap cologne emanating from the passing motorcycle, that caused his sudden upchuck.

It was clear to him that Fear was suffering from the displacement of leaving his own word. Lost knew it was for the best, but it was with regret that he once more opened his small leather notebook, and un-summoned the beast. Poor Fear, he will be happier in his own world...

As Fear flew upward into the afternoon sky and was received by yet another ominous dark cloud, which pulsed with electricity as Fear vanished within, Lost noticed that his orb was once again missing.

Meanwhile Marina, and her oderous lover continued their drive through the french country side, stopping at quint little shops for delicious baggets and other morsels of difficult to spell food. A cool breeze was setting in and the prince offered his beauty his own heavy riding jacket to break the autumn chill. She gladly accepted and traded jackets, letting herself drift away into the warmth and fragrance of her beloved as it surrounded her. They continued their ride into the evening, and as the golden droplet of sun sank below the horizon the sky sang out in vibrant hues that contrasted against the brisk night air. As they drove however, their motorcycle ran out of gas by a field of lavender and heather and the duo, entranced by their spell of their own weaving, took opportunity of this serendipity and skipped with giddy smiles and laughter through the hedge, falling into tender embrace beyond the sight of the road.

Meanwhile Lost had morphed into a Labrador Retriever and was sniffing down the orb, which was difficult due to the heavy mask of cologne that reminded Lost of the smell of a overpriced store for teenagers he once visited at a local mall. It was well after midnight, when Lost came across the abandoned motorcycle, and the woman's jacket containing the object of his obsession.

Lost could smell Marlboros and heard snoring from a nearby bush. He decided to make his escape quickly and quietly with the orb carried proudly in his canine jowls, and proud tail wagging as only a Lab's can.

Woof woof (my orb)

 

Losthawken found himself bored. Very very bored... \

After a month and a half on the run he had realized that no one was chasing after him or the precious orb. Obviously his powers were no match for the other orb seekers.

Lost went home to enjoy his orb. But soon began to have doubts... If the orb was so great, why was no one pursuing it? Perhaps the orb wasn't so glorious after all. By this time it had been cracked and abused so many times it's original luster had faded.

He then realized that he didn't know what to do with the orb... Did it even do anything? It was a little large to wear as a necklace. Too small to use as an exercise ball, and lacked the holes required to be used as a bowling ball.

Since it still had a slight glow, the best use for it Lost determined would be as a bathroom nightlight (his own radioactive glow had faded by this time). He placed his precious prize on the back of the commode, and celebrated his victory with an all night marathon of X-files episodes, and corn dogs.

The End

 

Fortunately for me and unfortunately for losthawken it is not the end. In my brief and frequent hiatus from pursuing the orb i had lost track of it's coordinates but reports from disturbed neighbors in a certain neighborhood led me to losthawken's home where i don't know how but after all these years of experience i could almost sense its presence, however minute.

I decided that i had no time for subtleties today and pulled out my P90 SMG and kicked down losthawken's door, demanding he give me the orb. He's so fixated on his X-Files marathon that he doesn't even notice me. I raise an eyebrow and casually begin searching the house only to find my sitting on some fancy desk, unprotected and severely weathered. I quickly snatch it and place it in a vacuum seal as i leave the house, grabbing a corn dog as i leave.

My ORB!!!!!

 

Lost reached for his last corn dog, and found it missing. He always counted his corn dogs and he was quite sure there were 28 of them when he started...
Making his way to the bathroom to relieve himself and ponder the mystery of the missing corn dog Lost found himself lost in an unusual darkness. The toilet (which some people who only read the first line of wikipedia articles mistake for a fancy desk) was devoid of any glowing sphere.

That's when he realized it: the ORB was missing!
Someone had been in his house, his door lay smashed on the floor, and muddy footprints where everywhere. The X-files were good, but not that good. How did he not notice?

Lost set off in pursuit of the thief. Even though he had long since mutated back from a retriever to a human he could still smell the scent of his stolen corn dog. The fragrance of grease and cornmeal led him to a dark alley where the perpetrator stood ogling his stolen prize.

Lost grabbed an abandoned hubcap at his feet and threw it at the man knocking him unconscious. Approaching he grabbed stolen object of his desire from the unconscious hand. Lost took a generous bite of the half eaten corn dog, and smiled with joy at its return.

My corn dog.

 

(i can totally picture Jack Sparrow saying something like this)

I wake up in a dark alley after a few hours wondering what happened to me. One minute i was installing my latest orb tracker and the next thing i know i'm face down in a muddy puddle looking at the remainders of the corn dog i was munching on. I wake up knowing full well that the orb has been stolen from me once again and the demon even had the gall to take the corn dog as well. I pull out my palm pilot and turn on the reciever. A small blinking golden light illuminates the orb's current position and i gladly follow it back to the same house where i had previously acquired it. I immediately caoncoct an ingenious plan that will surely get the orb back to me.

I leave the house for a bit and come back with a big 18-wheeler and begin to back it up into Losthawken's yard. He comes out running, yelling and gesticulating for me to stop and then i all of a sudden pop the back door open and a truck load of the state of Maine's finest corndogs opens up. I watch from the sideview mirror as Losthawken's eyes turn into stars and become glossy at the prospect and he jumps in, letting his desire for the corn dogs get the better of him. I casually hop out the truck and bolt the door shut and then weld it to prevent exit or entry. I walk into the house and head for the commode (which some people who use google images as reference mistake for a fancy toilet) and retrieve the orb once again for it to be in my possession.

My Orb!!!

 

I watch and chuckle to myself as I realize what's happening to poor LostHawken, his lust for corn dogs easily overpowering his love for the Orb...For the moment anyway.

SouljiRoseta welds and bolts the back of the van mercilessly, and walks inside the house.
Meanwhile, I cut a hole in the side of the van and get LostHawkens attention as he slobbers and devours the the corn dogs.

He stared at me with hunger and said, 'Whatdoyouwant?!? MY CORN DOGS!!' I smile indulgently and offer up my plan, he turning from the last 5 corn dogs to look at me with a small smile on his face.


A few minutes later, as Soul (Had to shorten it.) opened the door, the orb held reverently in front of him, it triggered a string attached to the other side of the doorknob, it pulled on a brick, which was the only thing keeping a small brick wedged against the wall.

THe brick flipped loose, spinning quickly to hit a slightly bigger rock off a stool. The rock tipped, and rolled off of the stool, hitting a medium sized domino, which in turn hit another slightly bigger one, and then another until one was as tall as a man, which then hit a ladder, which then hit the door, slamming it on his wrists, making the orb slip from his hands.

LostHawken eagerly climbed from the now open ended truck, and dove for Soul, searching for the lost corndog.

As he did, I quietly slipped from my hiding spot, picked the orb up, and put it in my backpack. Then walked down the street as if I could not hear the screams of pain from Soul as LostHawkenn ripped at him, searching for the corndog.

 

Unfortunately for Losthawken Maine is not known for making quality hotdogs. After consuming the final morsel found on the rather severely injured Souj, lost found himself in dire need of a rest room.

Lost ran into his house only to remember that his bathroom was still impossibly dark in the absence of the precious orb. Now desperate with intestinal upset Lost found new determination to reclaim the Orb.

It didn't take lone after finding that it was not with the still unconscious Souj to realize that that Easy fellow had lifted the glowing globe. Lost was running out of time, the constriction of his IBS threatened to cut his body in half.

Jumping on his motorcycle Lost easily chased down Easy and grabbing him by the backpack and dragged him back to his house. Driving straight through the smashed door Lost stopped in front of his dimly lit bathroom. Snatching the Orb from the pack he leapt into the bath and locked the door.

Relief at last, My glowing orb!

 

Lost, having finally relieved himself, washes his hands because personal hygiene is important

Tcol, dressed in a smartly pressed attendant's uniform steps to Lost's side.

"Towel for your hands, sir?"

"Oh, thank you."

"Comb for your hair, sir?"

"Yes, please."

"Carry-bag for your orb, sir?"

"I don't see why not."

With masterful sleight of hand, tcol procures an imitation orb and with perfect dexterity...

SMACKS LOST OVER THE HEAD WITH IT AND RUNS OFF WITH THE REAL ONE!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (My Orb)

 

MumblingSage, calmly doing her shopping, notices a gentleman in a smartly pressed attendant's uniform running down the street with a carry-bag.

Nobody, she thinks, runs down the street that way unless they've just stolen something.

So she calls a hue and cry on Tcol (it's that kind of town, apparantly), and in the process of making a citizen's arrest, aquires a very beautiful golden orb...

 

I had been stalking the location of the orb for sometime now after my last attempt ended with me having a serious injury for the second time in very few posts. Anyway i watch as the citizens arrest is made and quickly procure a police man's outfit which i use to disperse the crowd. I quickly handcuff tcol and stop a passing police vehicle, grinning as they take him away.

All of a sudden i remember my pursuit of the orb and i question witnesses for evidence. They tell me a mumbling lady came and took a bag away from tcol and left. I gather the crowd and we head to after her and do the same citizens arrest on her for stealing evidence. I flag down another cop car(it's that kind of town, apparantly) and they arrest and take away the mumblingsage. I convince the officers that i will personally take the orb to the evidence room and walk away scot-free with the orb and two rivals en route to some dingy interrogation room. Perfect cri....plan

MY ORBBB!!!!

 

I dont know why i keep double posting today

 

Mumbling Sage looks around the dim interrogation room. An Inspirational Poster on the wall shows a lovely arc of blood-spatters, under which she can dimly read the words "Geneva Convention--We Don't Follow It Here."

She twiddles the fingers of her handcuffed hands and waits for a policeman to enter.

"We've got you on stolen evidence," he says. "That's a pretty serious charge."

"My bad," she admits.

"However, if you tell us where your accomplice is, we can make a deal. Drop a few years from prison, maybe get you out on parole after the first ten years..."

"My accomplice?"

"Yeah. The guy you tossed the orb to before--"

"I didn't give the orb to anybody! It's my orb! My..." Of course! The citizen who arrested me! She recalls him saying he'd take the orb to the evidence room. But no policeman doing his job would ever grin so widely...

"My friend," Mumbling Sage says, "do you know what that orb can do?"

"Um, no."

"Neither do I. But it must have some special powers if everyone's so eager to get it. Like the One Ring. And I think if you let me out of here, we can arrange a deal..."

Soujiroseta is a memorable figure, and it takes little time to find the policeman who arrested Mumbling Sage and get a description of him. The entire police force is mobilized, and in no time at all, it's...

My Orb.

"Acutally our orb," Mumbling Sage's policeman ally corrects.

She doesn't bother to disillusion him, not yet, so satisfied is she to have her Golden Orb...

 

SUDDENLY the anti-corruption commission bursts into the room, arresting Mumbling Sage's ally for accepting a bribe and taking MS back into custody.

Later, in the evidence locker.

"We're booking this back in again," says the officer "one golden orb."
"Ah, okay, just sign here." the supervisor takes his paperwork. "Okay, thanks."
After the officer has gone, the Tcol ditches the supervisor's uniform and throws it in a pile onto the inert body below him sporting a nice bump on the bonce.

"Sorry, mate - but it's my orb."

 

Having been snitched on by a fellow pursuer of the orb I reluctantly gave it with the knowledge that I'd get it back again. As i wonder around the police station I see Tcol walking away from the evidence room holding the sacred orb, I quickly give him a viscious tackle tha even Jonah Lomu would have been proud and snatch the orb rugby style as I bolt for the exit. As I make my way towards a fictional try line I smile to myself as I shout,

MY ORB!!!!!!!!!!!