My Golden Orb!

"Good shot, old man!" My vampiric voice is like the finest Chinese silk.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" Hambone nearly drops the bow and a number of arrows clatter to the floor.

""That is of no importance, old bean. The real question is what I am." I realize full well that the line is painfully hackneyed, but so few ever survive to pass it on. I bring my preternatural gaze to bare. "The Orb, please."

Hambone passes the Orb with no resistance.

Humans. If they weren't so tasty I would have little use for them at all.

With the speed of the undead I am off into the labyrinth of back streets and alleyways.

 

Xeno slams into the ground at high speed. Pieces of rubble fly in every direction. A bewildered human with a pale complexion stares at him, holding the orb in his hands.
"Can I help you, old chap?" He asks.
"No, I think I'll get along just fine." Growls Xeno.
He charges forward, punting the white humanoid far into the distance, hearing nothing but a small yelp as the creature dissappears into the distance.

Xeno hates stereotypes. Especially English ones.
He also has the orb.
And blows a raspberry.

 

star swings down from a fire escape. seeing the glimmer of the golden orb in xeno's hands, star quickly devises a genious plan.

"is that jennifer aniston?!?!" she shouts, gesturing wildly towards the end of the alley.

xeno couldn't help but glance in the direction star was dramatically pointing. grabbing the orb, star smashed him over the head with it. he lay in a crumpled heap as she scrambled up the fire escape and onto the roof.

 

Right, I'll take that from you, thank you very much. CG aims, pulls the trigger, and sees how the rabid bunny is propelled at star_fire. Clean hit! The bunny starts to maim the poor poster, and I scoop up the orb. Everyone wins! Except for you lot.

'Cause I got the orb! Oui!

 

What CG didn't realise is that the bunny also had wings, an IQ of 102, and a fierce loyalty for his master. After ... taking out ... the previous "poor poster", the bunny-thing flew off in search of more prey and it's master...

after picking up a fallen arrow, Othman started off towards the warm and fuzzy feeling which 'is' the orb. Othman successfully managed to disentangle it from the dead clutches of an extremely mauled corpse just before a flying ... bunny ... gnashed the air an inch from his head. He sighed, he too was going to have to come up with a "genius plan". He waited until the bunny looped round towards him again and with a running leap plunged the arrow deep into it's skull...

My orb and might be extremely expensive bunny-thing corpse!

 

I have been lying in wait, watching each of your palns fall before your eyes, my own mind calm and calculating. After watching Othman kill his own minion, I am reminded of poor Wreybies who, unfortunately, mistreated his own minions and practically delivered the orb to my hand.

Othman, however, has killed his minion. An now the corpse of a female bunny creature lies fresh on the ground. I mutter to myself, "Hell hath no fury..." and open the book under my arm, "to kill, to maim, to shame, pass blame, life, bring to life." I tap the page and reread the entry. "Where once was breath there now is death, but the sands of time may rise in their glass and return her to me at last," my mind focusing on the creature as I read.

Slowly, she raises as if from a slumber, her eyes intent on Othman's retreating figure. There is suddenly a streaking blur of white and the bunny is following Othman, catching his and doing what no true herbivore would, mauling what should be her master, her hunter. She has switched roles with the would be leader of the food chain.

While Othman is distracted and trying to salvage his life, I pick up the orb from where it rolled from his hand. "It has been many days my friend, but alas, you, dear orb, are mine."

 

Ah, Zorell.

Across continents and oceans we have chased one another in this dance where we think ourselves the masters, but truly are the playthings.

The Orb. She is the true master.

I see you at the end of the alley. The muck and grime of these streets, now centuries old, cannot hide that porcelain face. The night air is as cool as glacial water on my white marble skin. I open the door to my ebony carriage and your slight figure turns as if entranced.

“Zorell. How long has it been?”

“Too long my sweet. Do you hear her? Do you hear her song?” You hold her glistening presence before me.

“Yes, poppet. I hear her always. Come out of the night air.” I gesture graciously to the carriage and your cheeks grow rosy. So beautiful. So young. So fragile. I join you in the carriage and snap to the liveryman to get us underway.

“Tell me of your journeys, precious one.” Your eyes sparkle under my spell and I can hear the Orb’s song in your own mind. As you begin to tell me of your journeys you never notice that I have casually taken the Orb from your hand and placed it in the strong box beneath my seat.

 

"Porcelain," I am not. "Slight of figure," I am not. And, "Casual," you were not. But yes, she does hum with the thrill of battles waged for her. The orb safely ensconced in your strong box, I slip two slender blades from inside my sleeves. One sails through the air and peirces your liveryman in the shoulder, causing him to lose control of the carriage and we are set violently off course. This was a mistake for I lose my own balance and, instead of debilitating your shoulder as I did hi, I end up piercing your leg, pinning you to your seat. This will have to do.

I, in a frantic and focused rage, summon the strngth to rench the strong box from its place and cast myself from the carriage. The box positively thrums woth the hums of MY ORB.

 

BG_Hambone, being a bit of an eccentric, has in his trenchcoat pocket a glass bottle filled with Holy Water blessed by the Pope himself.

He sees the carriage go off course, and witnesses Zorell's daring escape.
He walks to the wrecked carriage and sees Wreybies struggling to pull a blade from his leg. Realizing that He cannot possibly take the orb from Zorell by himself, BG_Hambone decides to help Wreybies.

Standing over the dibilitated vampire, Hambone uncorks the bottle and tilts it a few degrees to ensure his point will be made. "Look, vampire. I don't trust you, and you dont trust me. However, If one of us is to aquire the orb, we need to work together. You are, however, in no position to bargain. So here is my offer. Either you assist me, and I pull that blade from your limb there, or I pour this Holy Water upon your head and watch you burn. What will it be?"

 

Mercurial sees all this happen from her lair, the fire escape seven stories up, high above the alley in which Hambone is standing over the vampire. She has been waiting for eleven pages, knowing that with the element of surprise, the orb will soon be hers.

Zorell is in pain from her risky escape from the carriage. She is nursing her wounded arm and holding the orb with the other, staring at it intently. Hambone is fixated on the vampire, and the vampire is too terrified to have eyes for anyone but his attacker.

The time to act is now!

Mercurial scours down the fire escape until she is only one flight above the pair. With all the strength in her body that seven years of tae kwon do has given her, she leaps from her perch and cleanly takes off the vampire's head with one swift jumping side kick. (Sorry, Wrey; you were just a pawn in my foolproof plan and had to be eliminated. )
She turns to Hambone. His eyes are as big as the photo of Achmed in his avatar, and his jaw is slack and wide. She easily takes the Holy water out of his hands and pats his cheek; she has no quarrel with him. With one enemy dead and the other in a comatose-like shock, it is now just Mercurial and Zorell in the fight for the orb.

Attainment of the orb will not be hard, Mercurial sees. She smiles smuggly. Zorell's calculations as she dove from the carriage were flawed. She had hit her head and was now lying unconcious on the pavement.

Mercurial gives the girl a gentle nudge with her pointed boot. No response, but the poke is enough for the orb to come rolling out from the girl's grasp right to Mercurial's feet. As she bends down to pick up the orb, Mercurial softly places a snowglobe, obtained from the librarian's desk, into Zorell's hand. She knows that Zorell, a sweet but impulsive girl, will not know the switch has been made for quite some time.

No one will be the wiser, at least for a little while, Mercurial thinks, beaming. The golden orb is mine.

Little did she know that much like starfish, vampires have the ability to regenerate limbs and even heads. Wrey has seen the entire thing...
But Mercurial now possesses the Holy water.

 

BG_Hambone, stunned by Murcurial's actions and complete lack of civility, reaches into his magic pocket and produces another vial of Holy Water.

Knowing that Wreybies had sufficent time to decide, he pours the water upon both the vampire's body and severed head, which promptly burst into a bright golden flame.

Drawing his bow and quiver of petrol-doused arrows from his mystic pockets he loads an arrow, draws the string taut, aims at the fleeing form of Murcurial, and releases.

He runs up to the burning heap that used to be Murcurial. The orb is no more than a few metres from her body, and as he stoops to pick it up, he notes where the arrow enterd the body: Between the shoulder blades, a perfect shot.

"good shot, old man" he mutters to himself as he claims the orb for his own.

MY ORB.

 

Humans. Such funny little toys.

My ashes dry in the sun and are whisked away like strange, grey butterflies. They swoop and dive, pitch and turn in a manner that is by no means random. They continue on until they find their place of refuge, of succor.

A phone booth?

Now that’s a strange place for vampiric ashes to seek, don’t you think?

Not too strange for a Time Lord, though. Time enough in the life of a Time Lord for a myriad of things to happen, even the strange mishap of having become a vampire.

Down through the vent and into the regeneration chamber, the ashes flit one by one. This regeneration will take a bit longer than most. Never mind that. I’m a Timelord; I have time to spend like the Queen has jewels.

Months pass. Years tick by.

The door to the Tardis pops open and I flick the last bit of ash from my lapel. I quite like this new body. Yes, quite fit. And completely free of the vampiric virus which I had allowed to inhabit me as a lark.

Now, to find Her.

* * *​

Hambone sits slack in the corner of a cheap and dirty bar frequented by bargain basement hoods and their ilk. His eyes are dull. She has sung him to sleep. Treacherous is the Orb. Her song is like that of angels, but just as in the Bible, not all angels are beneficent. I walk up to the fat, bald barkeep and order two shots of bourbon. He eyes me strangely but passes the shots over after I flash him with my psychic paper. I take the shots to Hambone’s table and it’s as if he has not noticed me.

“Hambone!” No answer. “Haaaaambooooone!!” I call much louder.

“Wha?” Hambone comes just a bit closer to the line of consciousness. I pull up a chair, turn it wrong-way-round, and have a seat.

“Where is She?” I ask.

“Wha? Who? Wha' you talkin’ ‘bout?” A line of drool makes it’s way down the left side of Hambone’s chin and hits the table.

“Poor bugger. She has a way of doing that. Right, then. Where did I put that sonic screwdriver?” I check all my pockets and find it tucked in the inside pucket of my jacket.

“You leave Her alone!” Hambone tries his best to reach for the screwdriver but falls to the floor drunk on liquor and Orb song. As he hits the floor I hear a dull metallic thunk. I search Hambone’s pockets knowing what I will find.

I tuck Her into my jacket pocket and thanks to Time Lord technology there is not the slightest bulge. I make way back to the Tardis, close and lock the door, and make for the year 3547.

 

The glass shattered as it collided with the wall. You people have underestimated me. Where do you think all of those RPG characters came from/ My imagination?

Silly, they are me, except Alaska- she's out of her mind rolleyes. I can sense the time shift, and I understand what has happened. Kat gets pissed, my hands light and I focus. It is with Chrys's mimic that I retrace Wrey's steps and find myself watching a Tardis disappear in the distance. Kat reaches furor and the flames once in my hand are now licking at the Tardis.

"Oh MR TIME LORD, bet your arse out here!" He ignores me, and so I run to the crashed Tardis and see him glaring into my eyes, defending the ORB from my grasp. "THat's not an option.

I say the last thing Wrey could expect, "I challenge you to a Xiou Lin (SP?) Showdown!" First one to put out their fire wins the Golden Orb!"

TO BE CONTINUED....

 

Xeno grabs onto the TARDIS (Yes Wreybies, capital letters... It's an abbreviation, remember? ) as it Dematerialises, casting it off course and deep into the realms of time.

He can feel the Time Vortex crackle all around him, searing through his armour and burning his flesh.

But he's not letting go. Being a personal friend of the Doctor's (having beat him at pool many a time) Xeno is not going to let any phony Time Lord slash Vampire slash idiot get away with stealing THE DOCTOR'S TARDIS!

As the TARDIS carreens through the mists of time, carrying Xeno far into the future, he knows that he can't force the door, and he can't let go, in case he were to get lost in the Vortex...

**************​

The TARDIS lands in a desolate landscape, surrounded by rocks and gravel.

The doors of the POLICE BOX open with a loud creak, and Wreybies steps out. Looking around, he sighs.

"Not another bloody quarry." He groans.

Xeno lies in wait, hiding behind the TARDIS. He watches Wreybies take an umbrella and the orb out of the TARDIS, then makes his move.

"WREYBIES!" His mettallic voice booms around the crater, causing several short rockslides.

Wreybies turns, regaining his vampiric complextion as Xeno looms overhead.

"DROP THE UMBRELLA AND HAND OVER THE ORB!" Xeno commands.

Wreybies complies, out of fear of being punted again. Xeno stashes the orb, and then turns to Wreybies, who has degenerated into a nervous wreck.

"I would kill you," Xeno booms, "But then you'd just regenerate. So instead, I'm leaving you here, to use up your lives in perpetual torment."

He crouches down and enters the TARDIS, pausing to look back at Wreybies one last time.

"Sorry." He growls, as the doors close and the TARDIS departs, back to it's rightful owner.

XENO HAS THE ORB!

 

Darlek: "EXTERMINATE!"
Me: "Right, right. But you'll give me the orb right?"
Darlek: "EXTERMINATE!"
Me: "Right, so we got a deal?"
Darlek: "EXTERMINATE!"
Me: "Good."

The TARDIS appears not far from our current location, and I see Xeno leave the device, hugging the orb. I signal the Darleks the TARDIS has arrived, and they swoop in to "EXTERMINATE!" Xeno. Once they are done maiming his body, and "EXTERMINATE!"-ing the TARDIS, they leave. I simply walk up to Xeno's body, grab the orb, and page the guys up 'there'.

Me: "Beam me up, Scotty."
Scotty: "My name is Hank."
Me: "Whatever."

To boldly go where no orb-wielding-person has gone before!

 

Xeno awakens, and sees himself surrounded by, what the hell? DARLEKS? Xeno fights fire with fire, getting back into the TARDIS and summoning the DALEKS on the com system.

Dalek:IT IS THE XENO! EXTERMINATE!
Xeno:Hold on guys. I've got someone charging around with an army of Darleks, whatever the hell they are, and I need you to exterminate them for me. K?
Dalek:NEGATIVE. YOU ARE AN ENEMY OF THE DALEKS!
Xeno:They stole your body wax.
Dalek:THEY WILL BE EXTERMINATED!
Xeno:Oh, and find my orb, would ya? I'll be in 1963, watching some weird TV show that's just come on BBC1...
Dalek:EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

Three hours and four hundred years earlier​

The Daleks burst through the doors of the TARDIS, carrying the orb. Xeno stands and walks over to them.

"WE BRING YOUR ORB! NOW YOU SHALL BE EXTERMINATED!"

Xeno calmly turned his back, walking over to the control panel.

"Somehow, I don't think so..." He says, pushing a few buttons.

The Daleks disappear from the TARDIS, as Xeno continues towards the Doctor, to give him his TARDIS back.

Xeno remembers something, and raises shields.

"That'll keep Darleks out, whatever they are..."

Xeno-1 Daleks-0 Darleks-WTF?

 

Right, then. What was going on? Oh, yes. Xeno had stranded me and stolen my TARDIS (which, by the way, is not an abbreviation, but in fact an acronym.) Anyway, back to the story....

So, sitting there, pondering what I’m going to do next, what with no TARDIS and all, I realize that I am quite beside myself.

Literally.

With a soap bubble pop, another me appears from thin air and takes a seat in the grass.

“Hello, handsome. What are you doing here?” I ask the other me.

“I’m here to rescue you. Isn’t it obvious?” the other me replies.

“Where’s the TARDIS?”

“Right, yes. The TARDIS. Haven’t quite got my hands on it yet.”

“Then how did you get here?”

“Well, I have this!” The other me held up a pair of old spectacles.

“Well, that explains everything, now doesn’t it?!” I roll my eyes. “Explain.”

“It’s the Nidus.”

“The what?”

“The Nidus. Don’t you remember? Into the Labyrinth. Spooky caves and all that.”

“I don’t care much for caves. All right, it’s the ‘Nidus.’ How does it work?” I was getting a bit frustrated with my other self.

“Well, um... by magic.” The other me made a silly face.

“Oh, yes, magic. Very scientific, that. What’s next? Quidditch?” I get up and dust of my pants. “And who’s your traveling companion, then? Hermione Granger? Come off it!”

“No need to be rude. And actually, Hermione is quite a nice girl once you get past-”

“No, no, no. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. So, what do we do with this Nidus to get us out of here?” The incredulity in my voice would be plain to Helen Keller.

“It works rather like a port key.”

“A ‘port key.’ Remind me not to let you name things. What do I do?”

“Just put your hand on it. I’ll do the rest.”

“Before you go popping me out of here via ‘magic,’ I have one more question. If I am stuck here with no way out until you come and get me with this Nidus ‘port key’ of yours, I would have had to escape to get this Nidus that let you come back and get me and, well... The whole thing is rather circular, don’t you think?”

“Yes, well, it’s one of those time paradox thingies.”

“Right....”

I place my hand on the spectacles and the other me proclaims with much flare:

Inkady pinkady flinkady rabbit!

* * *​

I, and the other I, pop suddenly into a rather average 1960’s living room.

“Where are we? Hackensack, New Jersey?” I ask.

“No, Hackenthorpe, South Yorkshire.”

“Same thing.” I look around the living room to find my old friend Xeno relaxed on the couch watching some old 1960's television show. Before he can get his armor on again both I and, well, I, (so confusing) get out our sonic screwdrivers and pin him place.

“I’ll take that, thank you.” I scoop up the Orb and slip it back into my pocket.

“That was easy.” The other me declares.

“Yes, but we still have no TARDIS and there are still two of us. How do we fix that?”

“We just touch the points of our sonic screwdrivers together and that should fuse us back into one person.”

“That’s a bit convenient, don’t you think? Not to mention just a hair Freudian.”

“I agree, but the writing staff is on strike. The chap who holds the overhead microphone came up with that one. Sorry.”

“Well, not every episode can be a gem, now can it?”

“True. Remember the one with the clockwork 18th century robots and the space ship that was connected with the different parts of that French lady’s life via the fireplace and the mirrors and all that? That one was awful!”

“Yes, it was. But I think we’re boring the readers at this point, so screwdrivers up!”

We touch screwdrivers and suddenly there is only one me. I reach into my pocket to ensure the Orb is still there. She is. In the other pocket is the pair of old spectacles. I take them out and filled with embarrassment I proclaim:

Inkady pinkady flinkady rabbit!

"Ta!" ​

 

DAMN IT!!! I've been out-whoed...

Xeno was confused.

Wreybies (No, wait... Two Wreybies?) had just randomly appeared in his room, each clasping a pair of spectacles. They'd then brandished their screwdrivers at him threateningly, pinned him to the wall, picked up the orb, put their screwdrivers together, insulted Xeno's favourite episode, then merged into one Wreybies, who had placed the spectacles back on his head and said some very weird words.

He was no stood in the middle of the room, looking around confusededly.

"Ahem, Wreybies?" Xeno was now putting the last of his armour on, fixing the plasma cannon into position, "I don't think they've work--"

Was as far as he got before Wreybies disappeared.

"WTF?" Xeno said to himself. He turned around and stared at the television for a second. The words "The Unearthly Child" flashed up on the screen briefly.

Xeno walked through the set of double doors at the side of the room and there stood the TARDIS, in all its British glory.

The Doctor opened the doors and looked out at Xeno.

Xeno was taken aback. The Doctor he'd played pool with had a long moleskin coat and an impeccable suit.

THIS Doctor wore a dark suit jacket, with an even darker T-Shirt under it.

"Blimey, you've regenerated?" Xeno regained his composure and strolled into the TARDIS, "How'd it happen?"

The New Doctor sighed, "Don't even ask."

"Right."

***​

The TARDIS spins faster and faster, journeying to the deepest ends of tthe Time Vortex.

The Doctor and Xeno watch Wreybies flailing around on the viewscreen.
He seems to be struggling to hold on the glasses as the Time Winds rip at him.

"RAM HIIIIIM!" Yells Xeno, throwing levers and pushing buttons.

The Doctor runs around to him and grabs his arm.

"No!" He yelles, struggling with Xeno's heavy armour.

"Uh... Why not?" Xeno askes innocently.

"Well, we're in a Time Travel capsule protected in a bubble of space-time that is infinitely larger on the inside than it is on the outside, right?"

Xeno nods, so the Doctor continues,

"Wreybies has a pair of glasses."

Xeno pauses for a moment, deep in thought. He searches the depths of his mind for a solution. Then, he finds one.

"RAM HIM!"

Before the Doctor can do anything, the TARDIS collides with Wreybies, sending him through the walls of the Time Vortex and into the depths of reality, lost forever.

The orb floats through the time stream, unharmed.

Xeno opens the TARDIS doors, against the Doctor's protests. He takes one look back before he leaps.

"Back in a sec."

***​

The city's empty streets are silent, with not a soul seen for miles.

Suddenly, there's a flash of colour, and Xeno is thrown from the Time Vortex, orb in hand.

He looks around him, taking a deep breath.

"Ah... Orb city. I'm back."

As he says these words, millions of small creature come out of hiding, all yelling in unison: "THE ORB! THE ORB! THE ORB!"

Xeno has the orb.​

There, that's enough harpooning Doctor Who for now. PLEASE.

 

Honeybun strolls along, feeling heavy at the gut as the others seem to be taking too long in their stories that it's pretty dull.

' Could you guys make your pieces shorter?' she suggests.

 

"Why, of course." Xeno politely says down to Honeybun.

Then he shoots her.

Xeno has the orb. (Still...)

 

star appears, still quite ticked off about othman shooting her.

"no one seems to have any imagination anymore when it comes to wounding people" she thinks to herself.

so, coming up behind xeno, she nerve pinches him in the neck. he collapses and she dashes off the with orb.

MY ORB!

 

Xeno doesn't have nerves. He has electronic pathways and armour.

He shoots Star_Fire, too.

Xeno's orb...

 

while ive been gone ive managed to hire our a giantic magnetic crane in an attempt to build a massive orb calling magnet. As im testing the beta it appears the orb is not being called. Suddenly i hear a loud metallic thud and a golden orb rolls my way. i go to see what it is and its Xeno's metallic body stuck to the device. i snicker quietly as i walk away with the orb

MY ORB!!!

 

I approach Soujiroseta’s crane wearing my Ellen Ripley (Alien) loader suit. I have a class 2 rating. Remember?



I begin to take apart Soujiroseta’s crane with the giant mechanical hands.

I get to the cab where Soujiroseta is sitting and pincer the cab door permanently shut. I reach in with the metallic claw of the other hand and retrieve the Orb.

My Orb!

I stomp off in the direction of the Queen Alien’s hive. (I am a clone as of the last movie and I have Alien genes so have a care, my loyalties are suspect.)

I shed the loader suit and present my Queen with the Orb. She tucks it into her giant, disgusting, ovipositor thingie and I take my place at her feet. Drone Aliens now take position all around us and we wait for the next challenge.

 

Wrey thinks he's safe with his QUEEN and drones and whatever but i have a little present as one of the drones rolls in a cart containing,

with a greeting card that says "With Love, Souji". Wrey gripps the card in his hand and mutters silently to himslef before,

and the alien hideout is blown to bits. Luckily for me the orb is made of a purifeid alien substance and is near indestructible. i sift through the soot charred ruins and recover it with my team of hazmat wearing researchers.

MY ORB!!!