Need input from straight people

So, suppose you like someone. And it turns out that person is trans and/or bi. When would you want them to come out to you? How would you feel if they came out at a different time from that? And when they did come out, what sort of feels would it generate in you?

Obviously, my imagination can come up with all sorts of ideas, but I'd like to get some input about what real people would feel, and how they would react. And it seems likely that it would be different for people outside of the LGBTQ+ community, seeing as how it's not something you're likely to have thought about in advance.

 

My girlfriend is bi, and I barely noticed when she 'came out' by mentioning an ex-girlfriend she'd had. It's irrelevant.

And we have very similar taste in women, which helps.

 

Bi wouldn't be an issue at all for me. I guess I'd want to know at some point before he and I ran into his old boyfriend.

Trans, though? I'd definitely want to know well before we got physical in much of any way. My reaction to not being told would probably depend on whether the person was pre- or post- op or not planning to have surgery... As a straight woman, if the person was a pre-op trans woman I probably wouldn't be interested in continuing the relationship, as I'm not gay and am not attracted to female-bodied people. If the person was a post-op trans woman we never would have gotten involved in the first place as, again, I'm straight. If the person was a pre-op trans man there'd be a similar issue as he would still be in a female body and I'm not attracted to that. If the person was a post-op trans man... I have no first hand knowledge, but my understanding is that his genitalia would probably be noticeably different than what I'm used to, and I definitely wouldn't want to 'discover' that at a physically intimate moment. I'm not really sure how I'd feel about a trans woman who wasn't planning to physically transition... I guess it would depend on how she wanted to live her life, how she felt about having PIV sex with a woman, etc...

I think I'd be angry/hurt/confused if I weren't told fairly close to the start of the relationship.

 

I would like him to tell me about being trans when we have a talk in which telling intimate things is appropriate. At some point in the phase of testing whether or not the other person would be interested in a romantic relationship or early in the "dating" phase.
A trans-man wouldn't be able to naturally sire children, and since I'm looking for a potential husband, it would be helpful to know beforehand that we'd have to go to additional lengths to have children. And of course it would be helpful to understand him better as a person. Being trans is not easy and he might have had trouble in his past that I should be aware of.

He can tell me being bi whenever he likes. I don't intend to share him, so it wouldn't really matter for our relationship, but of course it's something I would like to learn in the process of getting him to know because it would also help me to understand him better. But if he decided to tell me a year or two into our relationship "Oh, btw. I also find some men attractive." I would probably just be like "Well, ok."

 

In case of bi, I don't care when he tells me, although if he told me really early on, it might give me a nudge to pursue at the very least a physical relationship in hopes of, well...

As for trans, if he's pre-op there's obviously the thing that I'm not attracted to female body parts. He could have the best personality in the world, but if at the beginning of the relationship I found out she's been wrapping his tits and lacks the male parts, I'd politely move on, although I'd be happy to be friends. I might be a little disappointed, in this scenario I had a crush on him after all, but not angry 'cause it would've been pretty hard to hide it forever and I understand it can be very scary to come out -- as if dating wasn't hard enough as it is.

If I liked whom I assumed to be a guy, and he turned out to be post-op... I don't know, I guess it depends on how well the bits work? I'd like them to work at least somewhat. Also kinda depends on how I liked this guy. Just physically? Then I have some requirements, sorry to say. Romantically, even found myself in love with him? Then I'd probably be happy even if, well, the sex stuff was different from what I'm used to... As long as there's no taco munching. That's a no-no. I don't care if you're bi, pre or post op -- your mouth goes nowhere near my vag.

 

I like people for various reasons - decent, respectful, thoughtful, fun. Their sexuality, religion, or race has little to do with it. We all have our little hang-ups. I want to be a writer. Does it get any worse than that?

 

Liking people is different from wanting to have sex with people, at least for me... not for you?

ETA: On rereading the first post, it does only say "like"... I guess we've all been interpreting this as "feel romantic interest in", but I guess not necessarily!

OP, we're going to need some clarification... if you just mean "like" as a friend, then none of my earlier post really applies.

 

There was once I found out my female Catholic friend had dated a girl. I was probably 19 or so and back then definitely believed the whole thing was sinful. And from my sort of background, finding out the news - quite honestly? I was surprised but kinda shrugged. She's still my friend. Nothing changes that. She's now happily in a long-term relationship with a man. So I guess she's bi?

Now I'm more on the fence about the whole Bible/sin/gay thing. And recently saw on FB a female Christian acquaintance of mine has married a woman. Again, surprised, but kinda... shrugged and went, ok.

One of my former babysitters is a lesbian with a wife. She's seriously the best babysitter I've ever had and I only wish she was available full-time for my daughter!

I guess I actually find it far weirder when a gay Christian really hates homosexuality as a sin (I do know one such German gay man at church). But the gays who follow their sexual instincts? That definitely seems like more normal behaviour to me.

Oh and to the question of when I'd like them to tell me - right at the beginning would be nice lol. But really, it's kinda up to them, when they're comfortable. They're my friends either way. I can't imagine my reaction now would be too different to how it was in the past.

 

Yeah, I also thought "like" as in "have a crush on."

If we're talking about just friendship, their sexual orientation or gender won't change whether or not I like them as a person and they can tell me whenever they like, doesn't matter if it's two years from now or the first time we talk. Although if it's like the first thing they say I might be a bit caught off-guard 'cause you tend to consider that kind of information somewhat personal, and personal things are generally left out of small talk.

 

My babysitter told me up front actually - straight away started mentioning her wife, which is of course a more natural way of letting you know than "Hey, by the way, I'm gay." It did leave me wondering if she did that in order to root out any parents who may be against a lesbian babysitting their children, as obviously there are some who would be.

It's been my experience that those who have accepted the fact that they're gay usually let you know immediately - not in words but you can tell in the way they dress or the fact that they'll talk about their gay partners there's no real moment of "letting you know". It's one of those details like "I'm just letting you know I'm from England" - it usually comes up naturally in conversations and you get the hint just by listening.

 

I'm sure that's the case in pretty much every other country except Finland. You are allowed to small-talk about weather and work, though!

 

Bi? No problem, he said, with visions of threesomes dancing in his head.

Trans? Pre-op, I guess I'd notice. Post-op, I think I'd still notice.

 

I have dated a bi chick, no big deal. Had a little bit of fun with a bi-fem friend, no biggie.

As for trans, I guess a little processing of the idea, but probably not too big a deal.
Of course I am of the notion of being upfront with who you are (and that includes
your sexuality/sexual quirks), as honest people are way more sexy than those that
hide out with the Lion and the Witch in the Wardrobe.

Never been with another guy, but who knows. The way women treat men around here
I can see why their are a lot of gay/bi married men (and single ones too). So that will
be another discussion for another day, I guess. (Speaking locally, not here on the Forum)

Suppose what I am saying, is if we get along alright and are open about shit then who really
gives a damn. Just don't cheat on me, and we be good.

 

I have not read the previous comments. I think most people are fairly fluid in their sexuality. I am 90% straight, but there is that 10% that can find men attractive.

I have had a gay "mate" declare his love, and I just felt profoundly guilty that I could not return it. It was not a pleasant situation, it was horrible for both of us, and we have grown more distant as a result, mainly because, like I said, I am quite fluid and when he got a bit physical I just took it for experimenting and frankly, if a mate grabs my hand or my cock, I don't really mind. Then one evening we were downstairs (in his place, and I had chosen to stay on, not sure why, maybe alcohol, maybe curiosity) and he kissed me. This was not madly unusual, so I kissed him back (this is early 20's) but then he got a bit full on, and I felt uncomfortable. I needed a long shower the next morning- I mean really I did, because it just felt uncomfortable. He was explaining things he could do for me, and I was telling him that I just did not find him attractive, by virtue of being a fellah, I mean, messing about is fine, but the moment he got a bit serious I was kinda slightly disgusted. Then I started to wonder if I had led him on, I had no intention of it, I mean he was a mate, and if he wants to be a bit gay with me, that's fine; but more than that becomes uncomfortable.

Personally, I would like to go down the pub with him and just go back to the way things were, maybe a bit touchy feely when drunk, but nothing important. But obviously he was hurt.

 

The bi thing wouldn't bother me at any point, unless it were being made clear to me that there were things that I couldn't offer my partner that she couldn't do without. I'd be pretty upset if it were a conversation like "I'm bi, and I need a lady in my life in addition to you." I don't even know if that is a thing, tbh. But if it is, I'd like that info up front rather than down the road. Otherwise, I couldn't care less what my hypothetical bi girlfriend finds attractive as long as I'm keeping myself in that category.

Trans is a different conversation. I'd definitely want that info up front. Because my interactions with people and initial impression of them are entirely dependent upon my sensory input synthesized with my past experiences, I am programmed to look at a girl and think 'cute girl,' not 'that is a person that intends to become a boy.' And I am certainly not prepared to hang out with a girl several times, start to "catch feels," and then find out that she is mentally and emotionally a guy and going to transition. And honestly, if I were trans, I think I'd want to have that conversation up front, too. Because I wouldn't want to have my heart broken if I fell in love with a straight person that couldn't deal with me transitioning.

 

It would depend on the person and our relationship.

 

I don't think I'm the right person to answer this question as I am totally fine with dating bi and trans women. If a woman I'm clearly attracted to tells me the moment before we are about to have sex that she is trans I'll shrug and get to it.

I've talked to a lot of my friends about this topic though. I am usually told that they wouldn't be outright upset about finding out a woman they are interested in is bi but, finding out this information does create a bit of a conflict for them. Some of them have told me that it makes them self conscious. It makes them think that maybe the woman will leave them to be with another woman or that maybe they can't give her what another woman can, sexually, emotionally etc. While some of my other friends I've talked to about this say that they would love to date a Bisexual woman because it increases the possibility of a threesome.

The remarks I've heard about finding out they are dating a trans woman range from outrage to embarrassment.
For the most part my friends are not into dating or having sex with trans women (which is one of the reasons why I love talking about how much I'm okay with it whenever they're around, it's hilarious). I've been told things like even finding out the woman is trans would make them question their sexual identity. One of my friends said that he would be so embarrassed by finding out the woman he was attracted to was trans that he would seek psychological help afterwards. I feel like some of this is hyperbole but, they are certainly uncomfortable with the idea.

 

Many men are afraid of being or at least being seen as gay when they accidently feel attracted to somebody that even remotely could have some male traits. And being gay would question their masculinity, since being gay is still being associated with being feminine. And feminine is bad. And also: "Homophobia: The fear that another man will treat you like you treat women." *sigh*