Something has been bothering me while writing my novel Agija of Agukas. I don't like using a character's name too often, or more than once in a paragraph, and especially not more than once in a sentence. But it seems like if I use pronouns it gets confusing. Here is an example. After they had left Jod’s, Bharita pulled the large hood over his head, exited the shadows of the alley, and entered the busy sidewalk. A busy Gorn pushed by and bumped into him, but he paid it no attention. Bharita has to be in the first sentence because it is the beginning of a scene. Isn't the pronoun he in the last part of the sentence confusing? Do I have to change it to Bharita? But Bharita paid it no attention. Or would it be better as, but he paid the Gorn no attention. Then I am repeating nouns a lot. Is there an easy way around this sort of thing? I run into it a lot. Thanks, in advance.
Personally, I think you're looking at it the wrong way. In my opinion, you could easily condense your writing to the extent the problem doesn't come up. I don't want to 'tell' you how to write, but here's an example you might find helpful...After leaving Jod’s, Bharita pulled the large hood over his head and entered the busy sidewalk, ignoring a Gorn who bumped into him. - In my own writing, I now find it so much more productive and satisfying to keep to the essentials of what I'm trying to say, and when it comes to the over use of nouns and pronouns, I've found that taking time to reconsider the direction and structure of the sentence adds texture and variety to my writing. Good luck with your work.
Thanks, that could work. After having left Jod's, Bharita pulled the large hood over his head, exited the shadows of the alley, and entered the busy street. He ignored a Gorn who bumped into him. I think the first part has to be in the perfect past because it is something that happened prior to the rest of the actions. I like your idea as well, and minimalist writing works most of the time, but I really wanted to convey the leaving the shadows and entering the busy street, which is the opposite of the quiet, dark alley. But you did help me a lot, thank you.
In all actuality, I much preferred your original sentence than the revised one, and saw absolutely nothing wrong with the use of pronouns. I think the pair of sentences should remain unchanged. I've noticed that, sometimes, when I'm writing, I also think I'm using too many pronouns — but I've come to the conclusion that, that's just because I'm the one writing. Personally, I think the whole "minimalist writing" thing is pushed a bit too far. While Cheeno's sentence has nothing wrong with it, the timing that I percieve in between Bharita entering the busy street and the Gorn bumping into him is completely changed, and your revised sentence seems as if the Gorn bumping into him shouldn't have been mentioned.
I have no problem with your first example as far as nouns and pronouns go. The point is, does it make sense? For me it does, as the 'he' obviously refers to Bharita. However, your repetition of the word 'busy' did bother me, especially as both examples appear close together. I'd get rid of the second one. John
I, too, have absolutely no problem with your original sentence; there is no other subject to which 'he' could be reffering to, as you didn't mention the gender of the Gorn(Which I assume is a race of some sort). Well, I didn't... until the 3rd or 4th time through. I think it's a typical case of read-it-so-many-times-it-sounds-funny syndrome. Just like if you say a word over and over, it will start sounding strange. Also, alot of sentences will sound somewhat off if you stop and read them word-by-word, rather than just basically scanning them and getting the sense of the of it.
Thanks, everyone for responding. I think I will go with this. After they left Jod's, Bharita pulled the large hood over his head, exited the shadows of the alley, and entered the busy street. He ignored a Gorn who pushed through the crowd, bumping into him.
I don't find the original problem confusing at all. Not to say anything bad about the revised sentence, but imo your's was good enough to be left alone.
