Hello writers! I'm not sure it will work how I imagine it will but let's try it out. Each person writes a paragraph. Not a paragraph length story just a paragraph (4-6 sentences) telling part of a story and we will get to critique each other's paragraph (too much adjectives, too little discriptions, bad word choices etc.) I'll go first. "Bullocks!" said John as he examined the garden through his bedroom window. The briers that mapped the edges of the green labyrinth looked like eight hours of hard work and he only had four hours of free time in his day. John squinted his eyes as he looked up at the sun's persistent reverie and thought to himself, "This day belongs to the hummingbirds. I'm a night owl. I better get to work before I choose the bed again."
I don't have a paragraph for you, but here's some edits. "Bullocks," John said, looking out over the green labyrinth of his garden. The briars mapping its edges were eight hours of misery, and he had only four hours to spare. * He squinted at the sun's persistence. “The day belongs to hummingbirds,” he said. “I'm a night owl.” He got to work before he chose bed again. I left bullocks. I feel it should be bollocks, but . . . I don't know. Maybe it's regional. I changed brier to briar. They're both correct, but briar ngrams at twice the frequency. Annihilate all looks, examines, glances etc. unless they are directly important. (They usually aren't.) I kept one (looking) because I was lazy and it seemed okay. The motion itself needs to matter, or it's being used as a last resort to move from the MC to the setting, another character, etc. Otherwise, enter the story directly. Whatever is stated is already seen by the MC. You shove it into the narration, so it's less of an action. Killing a few redundancies. You can only squint with your eyes, for example. The sun is obviously up, so he can "squint at the sun" rather than "squint up at the sun" Slimming phrases. that mapped == mapping free time == free hard work == misery/drudgery/etc. dropped a few def. articles just because I could I lost the bedroom window entirely. Mainly because I wanted to focus on the garden (and I have an aversion to bedroom bleariness starting a scene). I tried to keep the phrasing succinct. It could probably be fit in there though. I liked your color here. Green labyrinth, persistent reverie, etc. There's just enough of them. I moved labyrinth to what I felt was a better home just to simplify the second line. I have theories about noun phrases which I'm sure no one wants to hear, so I'll stay mum on that, but there's a reason that "persistent reverie" is too thick for the prose. It takes a bit of imagination to get that phrase to work (it can be done!). Instead, I chose the most fitting word and built on it with "sun's persistence." At *, I would give an explanation for the character's weariness. Up too late for some reason . . . It would be quick, hit the character or the supporting characters, and then bounce out. This allows you to build the world/plot/characters while in the setting. I simplified his speech. It's already strange he's talking to himself, but that's the nature of prose. *shrugs* I used some paragraph breaks just to separate the action. There's a sense of time passing. For your amusement, here's me at work:
As the rather rotund John swaddled off to find his favorite yellow jacket he walked full force into an oaken chair, bruising his knee. "Blast it all!" His voice was of such high pitch that more then one window had shattered in response. The racket had woken his lover Charles who had been sleeping soundly, not from a night of ravishment but of resignation to the quite poor performance of John during last nights rump. I hope this is ok?
Agreed. I've never heard anyone exclaim 'Bullocks' before, except maybe in that swearing-without-actually-swearing type of way. It's 'Bollocks,' surely?
I'm not great with grammar, but I believe (not sure) you either need to stay full past tense in your adjectives or decide its all in action. I hope this is a good critique! Please see my try below. Be gentle. The Fire-wing Sentry made little effort when he pushed Makka’s unconscious form over the cliff. Icarus whipped his body around with all his strength, his heart sank at the moment herd her body hit the bottom of the gorge. “NO! You monster. You vile piece of... achn…” The Sentry cut Icarus off and stepped on his neck with his talon like feet. “How dare you raise your voice to me, or even speak to me filthy peasant!” The Sentry peered over the cliff’s edge just to see the gory remains of Icarus’s now deceased mother. The Sentry smiled coldly, and marveled his own work. As the once beloved mother of 4, was now only a mess of blood and bone at the foot of the slums.
(Hello friends I have provided a short piece of my story below) “Come on.” She grabs my hand and sends us rocketing away at an impossibly fast speed, wind carrying us so fast the world is a blur. It feels like only a few minutes later when we slow down, but when I look around, the territory is beyond unfamiliar. I try to speak, but no words come to mind. Kathryn--kind, sweet, loving Kathryn--just betrayed her family. For me.
Interesting, I would read more, but maybe I have some small small objections. “Come on.” She grabs my hand and sends us rocketing away at an impossibly fast speed, wind carrying us so fast the world is a blur. You need not two ”fast”. ...rocketing away at an impossible speed, wind carrying us so fast... * It feels like only a few minutes later when we slow down, but when I look around, the territory is beyond unfamiliar. So what are you trying to tell. That it feels only a few minutes, but actually it was longer. Or? Travelling at an impossibly fast speed I have no problem with reaching “territory beyond unfamiliar” in a few minutes. Or is this again telling us that they move fast? * I try to speak, but no words come to mind. Kathryn--kind, sweet, loving Kathryn--just betrayed her family. For me. ** So you tell us that you try to speak but you can't. What did you want to say? I try to tell her [*] but no words come to mind. *I love you *You are a brave girl *We must stop meeting like this *You betrayed your family, for me. Keep writing!
It has been edited! “Come on.” She grabs my hand, and before I can object, she’s already sent us rocketing away, wind carrying us so fast the world is a blur. I swear it’s only a few minutes later when we slow down, but when I look around, the territory is beyond unfamiliar. I want to tell her so many things--I love her, I have to get her back to her family, hell, I’d even like to demand why she did that--but I don’t know how. Is this a dream? Is this even reality? Did Kathryn--kind, sweet, loving Kathryn--just betray her family for me? A shopkeeper’s daughter?
As I jumped everything felt as if it was no longer real. The air in my face was so great that I closed my eyes. The cool air against my face made me feel real for the first time in three months. At that moment my escape from reality ended as I felt pain like a thousand hot pots put against my stumache hit me. Opening my eyes, I looked down and saw the blood dripping off of me. As I tried to scream for help, I spit out blood. No longer able to breathe, I accepted my conscience for putting down my guard.
