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  1. Bascomb Brown

    Bascomb Brown Banned

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    Personal Support

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Bascomb Brown, Feb 20, 2020.

    Forum,
    I'm having a personal problem that is kind of f'ing with my mind. I have been writing full time at home for about 4 months now, (I'm the stay at home parent), and I get about 3 hours to myself in the morning home alone, then a few after the kids go to bed. In total, I have about 200K worth of words invested in that time, in various books over various genres.
    I haven't made it a secret what I am doing when my partner ask, and when they ask if I want to watch a movie in the evening, I tell them no (I've been on a momentum with my latest book).
    My partner is extremely supportive in many ways, doesn't mind being the bread winner for a job they hate, is a great parent that picks up as soon as they come home, etc. But when it comes to my writing, they have more or less, sucked.
    They did not read my doctoral dissertation, citing they would not have understood it, fair enough.
    Then, the other night, I thought I would trust them a little (I'm always pretty nervous about showing people my work), and asked if they wanted to read something short. No, they were not feeling well, and didn't want to think. Then goes to bed and reads from the kindle.
    The next night, the same. Ok, we currently all have the flu. But then I mention I am writing horror, and they get a look on their face being 'why would you write in that genre?'. Like honestly, just say literally one nice, supportive thing.
    How does anyone else deal with this? I feel like this is part of the reason I don't share anything anymore and nervous to let anyone see it. Or, am I being daft and I should take a teaspoon of cement and harden the f. up?

    TLDR- I write, my partner never reads or cares. Should I?
     
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  2. Some Guy

    Some Guy Manguage Langler Supporter Contributor

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    It's a perspective thing. Consider here at WF. There's a reason we have 2 for 1. It takes effort to bend your mind around someone else's work. People don't naturally read something totally out of their interest on demand, other than a job. If you asked her and she said no, it is well not to ask again. Friends and relations do not a readership make. I say detach rather than harden up. My wife barely tolerates me even writing at all. She has better things for me to do, and we both resent each other over it. My son refuses to read it. It may have been better I had never mentioned it, but I can't shut myself up about it. Writing the story, as hard as it is, is sometimes the easier part of writing. Being appreciated for doing it is rare in itself. If it doesn't put bread on the table, some consider it selfish. I fucking hate that, so here I am in the witching hours.
     
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  3. Hammer

    Hammer Contributor Contributor

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    The pillars of a temple stand apart. Relationships are a complex blend of shared experience and individual pursuits. Focus on the shared bits in regard to the relationship, and take strength and pleasure from your individual interests. (said the single guy)

    TLDR- No.
     
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  4. jannert

    jannert Retired Mod Supporter Contributor

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    It's a good question, but I'm afraid my answer is ...let it go. She obviously doesn't want to read what you've written, at least not yet. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you, etc. It just means she doesn't want to read your stuff. Married people share lots of things, but don't share others. Some wives love the football their spouses are addicted to. Other wives run a mile the minute 'the game' comes on. If she sees this writing as simply a pastime of yours—one that she doesn't share—don't force her into reading it, or (god forbid) take the emotional blackmail route ...if you loved me, you'd share this important thing with me. Don't even do that in your mind. It doesn't end well.

    Instead, let other people know you write horror, and see if any of them say 'hey, can I read it?' I'm sure some of them will. They are your potential target audience.

    In terms of my own finished novel (historical,) two of my very best friends (who are still my best friends) couldn't get past the first couple of pages. Other friends love it, still ask me about it and want to talk about my characters and what happened. Two of my other friends have actually read it twice ...again, off their own bat —interested in the changes I'd made, etc. My husband has read it, but while he is supportive of my writing, I don't think it was quite his thing. No, I didn't ask him to. He insisted on doing it.

    I have never asked anybody to read my stuff. They have all been volunteers.

    I've had enough really positive feedback from friends, family, acquaintances and forum members to know that I've got a good story here. Not one that is everybody's cup of tea, but one that many people like a lot. I think that's the best any author can hope for.
     
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  5. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

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    I'm with @jannert.

    My husband doesn't read my writing... ever. There is a language barrier and the genres I enjoy are not very popular where I live; they are seen as intrusive facets of a foreign culture. And he has interests and passions that find no purchase on me either. But he is supportive in the ways that he can manage. When it's time for a new computer for me, he knows my writing needs. He knows I need a large screen. He knows I am suspicious of too many doodads festooning the keyboard areas; hence, I am a Mac guy. He knows I don't care about other bells and whistles and would rather spend the money on a machine that gives me exactly what I want, not what they're trying to sell me. He knows when I make coffee in the morning before he goes to work, that means I either have a project due that day (I'm a documents translator for the USDOJ) or I'm having a writing day, so please not too many telephone interruptions. We call each other a few time a day just to touch base or unload when the day isn't going well, or just to gossip. I love that my husband gossips with me. It means we're still friends as well as spouses.

    We support each other in the modes that make the most sense to each of us. Where we can, we give unerringly. Taking your original post at face value, it sounds to me like your spouse is doing much the same, giving in the direction where they can do so generously. That's a lot more than most people can expect. Again, taking everything at face value, I think your spouse sounds like a loving, caring person who wants you to do what makes you happy, even if it's not necessarily something he or she can get into on a personal level.

    That is the description of a blessing.

    So, yes, stiff upper lip, wot wot, and get thee to that teaspoon of portland cement. ;)
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  6. Richach

    Richach Contributor Contributor

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    I don't share my work with my family. My daughter wants a father, not a writer. My Girlfriend wants me not my writing. The likelihood is that my writing will not lead anywhere so I treat it for what it is - a hobby.
     
  7. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    For a lot of people in this position they are afraid they won't like it... how will you react if your partner tells you your writing sucks ? Its probably better for them not to find out.
     
  8. Link the Writer

    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    I agree with this and the other posts.

    While I'm sure she supports your endeavors, she wants a partner, not a writer. Doesn't mean she hates your guts, just means that what she wants is different from what you want. That's perfectly normal. I like playing video games. My family does not, but that doesn't put a wedge in between us why? Because I recognize that they get to have their own interests and so long as they respect mine, it's all good.

    I would strongly suggest you do not let this stand in the way of your marriage/union with your partner. She gets to have her interests, you get to have yours and it's totally cool if neither party expresses interest in the other. Find something you two do have in common and build on that 'cause clearly writing isn't it.
     
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  9. deadrats

    deadrats Contributor Contributor

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    My lover will pretty much read something for me on demand. Not that I'm too demanding. LOL. But it's helpful and encouraging to have someone take an interest in my work. It's harder to get my lover to snuggle than it is to get my stuff read. In addition to that, most of my friends are writers. My lover is not a writer. I disagree that family and friends don't make for good readers. Even on this forum the writers I share work with I tend to consider my friends at this point. I want the people who love me to love all of me, and my writing is a big part of who I am. They don't have to love or even like everything I write. And they don't. But they get it. They get how hard I'm trying. They get that this is what I think I'm supposed to being doing with my life. Writing is a hard, soul-crushing industry. Without a support system it's even harder. It's not that you can't find readers and support elsewhere, but if writing is such a big part of my life, it would cause problems if my lover took no interest in what I was doing. And I trust my lover to by honest and helpful. Same with my friends. For me, these things have worked out and it's important to me that they have.
     
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  10. GrahamLewis

    GrahamLewis I alone am dull and stupid. Lao Tsu Contributor

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    I share some writing with my college-grad daughter, and she shares some with me, because we both like to write and enjoy good literature. And I think we are candid with one another. My wife's not so interested and rarely reads my stuff, and that's okay with me. I don't want to force her. I used to share stuff with friends, until I realized it was kind of awkward for them; they weren't comfortable saying no, and weren't comfortable with honest criticism. And I realized it's really an imposition to ask them to read anything long. If they were to ask . . . . but probably they won't until they want me to send them comps when I get my book published.

    My wife does understand how important my writing is to me, appreciates that sometimes it takes up my time and attention, she respects the process, and does think I'm a good writer based on the relatively few things she has read. I don't think I need any more than that.
     
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  11. Bascomb Brown

    Bascomb Brown Banned

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    Thank you, all, for the responses.
    It kind of sounds like the consensus is to let it go. Sure enough, after the little tiff we had about a week ago, they haven't asked again. So, I have decided to do just that, and won't let them know anything about my novel until its about time to go on my book tour.
    Thanks again!
     
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