We Well let me give you a little more of that specific scene in my script.... Shea watches Marlin without blinking. His eyes pregnant with a deep intensity. (omitted) Will add to another thread.
Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Is In other words, it's a tug-of-war type of intense grilling. actually part of the manuscript?
That's an action line in my screenplay, but that line does not exist in my novel adaptation of the story. Just in the script. No good?
Oh sorry I thought it was a novel -- I have little experience with screen plays. Wait. Now I am very confused.
This thread has been really interesting. I can't remember the last time I spent this long thinking about my own word choice in a scene. I don't go in for much purple prose but the next time the fancy takes me I will be scrutinising every adjective!
I think you'd be blown away by how the novel adaptation of that scene reads but I don't want to post it here. (omitted) Will add to another thread.
Yeah, I get ya. But I'm talking about just in comparison to a screenplay, since you are less familiar with screenplays. But just to see how that same scene, a scene, is implemented into a novel and how it reads compared to in a script.
Meanwhile, back on the river as "violent currents thrashed the banks and puked white foam on the floor of majestic sandstoned walls..."
What a way to mock another aspiring writer's writing. I would never do that in response to someone's writing, even if I disapproved of it.
I'm just not a fan of sarcasm when it comes to other writer's prose, use of words. There is a professional screenplay that got produced that used the word 'pregnant' to describe the sky or the clouds or something. I will track it down and post it here, but I have to find it first.
It wasn't sarcasm, I promise! We had the long discussion about 'puked' and then the discussion about 'pregnant' and I just thought it was funny to bring them together in the same passage. Obviously I misjudged the funny part. I don't have an issue with your use of the word pregnant - it would make me pause a little but I'd know what you meant. Anyway, I've derailed the thread again. I hope you accept my apology, it's really no reflection on your writing.
James, This Shea watches Marlin without blinking. His eyes pregnant with a deep intensity. could be tightened to Shea watches Marlin intensely. The actor will have more space to . . . act.
Meanwhile, back on the thread--and Burnistine, I hope you stick with the forum, keep posting, keep writing, keep sharing--look at all the buzz your thread has generated. And all about one word, and not even the word you were asking about.
Absolutely and great suggestion. I may just tighten it up when it comes to the final draft, but when it comes to the earlier drafts there is usually a lot of unnecessary detail that I/we may not need to emphasize on, like it's not vital to know that Shea is staring at Marlin without blinking, but it is vital to know just how intense his stare actually is, and the shame that is in it, projected through it. But when I implement the V.O above and below that very line, it could work either way. (omitted)
Men and women's view on things is amazing. Aaron DC, really? You couldn't see through James 82's example with the use of "pregnant."
I'm not going to say anything about puked or pregnant, because I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I will attempt to answer the original question. Like gingercoffee said, I think the second half could be done differently; for example, I think this sentence Since a rigid work schedule wouldn't permit another chance to whitewater raft for a while, he had to make the most of this opportunity. would be better if, instead of mentioning a rigid work schedule straight out, instead you give us a look into Robert's thoughts, for example something along the lines of Robert's trembled with excitement, a feeling both exacerbated and dampened by the fact he knew it would be the last time he could appreciate the river for a long time due to work etc etc. And then you can use that to segue into him appreciating the canyon, ideally in a less awkward way than starting the sentence with "that" which at least to me is almost always a bad idea.
I do not understand "see through" in this context. I explained quite clearly the issue I had with the use of the word, "pregnant".
I guess it just depends on how people associate the word. I usually associate 'pregnant' to be 'I have a baby in my tummy and will give birth to it'. Were I writing this, I would've gone with, ‘Robert stared hungrily at the raft behind the store window, his heart pounded fiercely in his ribcage.’ It just depends on your writing style. As someone once told me, there comes a time where you have to tell us to ‘STFU, this is how I write!’ If those words help you with the story, do it.
