Hi! I'm not sure if this is the right area for this, but it seemed as good a place as any. I'm almost done writing a fantasy novel. This means its almost time to write a query letter. So far I have come up with three summary paragraphs, and I have no idea which one (if any) I should use. I could really use some opinions on which one has the best hook. Thanks in advance! Here they are: 1. New Phoenix is the story of Spanner Tenganden, a powerful immortal and architect of a revolution to free the Phoenix Colonies from oppressive rule. He unites and organizes fellow adventurers, settlers, his closest friends, and the woman he loves to defeat the most powerful army in the world. During the war, Spanner discovers an ancient conspiracy among the world's wizards to keep him from ever ascending to governmental rule. With Spanner on the verge of liberating the colonies and rising to power, wizards everywhere become desperate to stop him. Spanner's quest becomes more than the liberation of his adopted home. With the wizards on his heels, Spanner hatches a plan to rid the world of magic forever. Now Spanner must determine how far he is willing to go - and who he's willing to sacrifice - in order to free his nation and destroy all wizards once and for all. 2. Spanner Tenganden, the protagonist of New Phoenix, is a man who is out to change the world no matter what. He is an immortal with supernatural powers, but all he wants is an ordinary life. He's wandered through lonely centuries without purpose, desperate not to use his incredible abilities. Spanner finally finds direction in the Phoenix Colonies, a land of settlers struggling under the rule of a tyrannical archduke. Spanner and his close friends engineer a revolution for independence against incredible odds. During the war, Spanner discovers that powerful wizards have been conspiring against him for centuries. It's made worse by the fact that the the woman he loves is the daughter of the key figure in the wizard conspiracy. Spanner quest becomes more than achieving his dream of independence, it becomes a journey to rid the world of magic and destroy wizardry forever. 3. After centuries of wandering in poverty, Spanner Tenganden is engineering the world he could live in forever. A lonely immortal with unmatched magical powers, Spanner has spent his life trying to find a home among ordinary men and women. It is in the Phoenix Colonies of Karakithaan that he finally sees the potential for a permanent home. With his best friend, adopted son and the woman he loves, Spanner becomes the architect of a revolution for independence that will turn the Phoenix Colonies into the ideal nation. But when wizards conspire to prevent him from bringing freedom to his adopted homeland, Spanner resolves to rid the world of both wizards and magic forever. New Phoenix is the story of how far Spanner will go - and who he becomes willing to sacrifice - to achieve his goals.
I liked the third one, it sounded the best. But the first one gave the most info...try and make the first one sound like the third...at leat in my opinion... https://www.writingforums.org/forumdisplay.php?f=19 So just look around here, it seems like it should go in the fantasy sub-forum... Good job...now get writing that story...I want to read that ending...
Thanks for that! I'm about done actually. I've already written the climax. One more chapter for the resolution, a lot of editing and scrutinizing, and then looking for a publisher!
Thanks very much for the responses! Three is also the shortest, so I guess brevity really is the soul of wit!
I voted number 3. It had the best flow to it. In number one it seemed like it was crammed full of too much info. The second paragraph was good, too, but the third one seemed like it was more to the point while explaining everything. Better wording.
Oh - and give me a heads up if you want something looking at, I'd be glad to reciprocate after all the good advice you gave me on chapter 1.
Well, I am turning that encyclopedia entry into a soliloquy. Can I count on your opinion of it when I'm finished?
Resurrecting forgotten threads agrees with my character. This is the way I write. A line dawns on me, I write it down on the first scrap of paper I find and put it in a folder. A week or a month latter another line will come to me and I’ll put it in the same folder. Several years down the road I’ll sit down and try to organize the whole pile into something consistent. Besides I, being a new member, was walking around the threads in order to familiarize myself with the forum and I couldn’t help posting from time to time. Posting is an addiction you know.
