Question on Paragraphing

Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by MilesTro, Sep 11, 2007.

  1. TheNewEyes

    TheNewEyes New Member

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    You're mixing up the present tense with the past tense in your opening paragraph. Fix that.
     
  2. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    it's a major mistake to judge all agents by your one experience... and you didn't have a gun at your head when you signed with that one, either, so complaints post-signing can't reasonably be laid at your agent's feet... ignorance is no excuse when signing contracts, any more than it is in the criminal end of the law... it's in your own best interest to learn the ropes before signing and if you didn't, who's really to blame?...
     
  3. Weaselword

    Weaselword Banned

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    Well, I think it could be an equal mistake to judge all agents by any one person's experience. :)

    I observe you write and indeed mentor other writers for free now--so I presume that at some stage in the past, you used to sell writing. Hence the need for dealings with an agent and your experience of them. I imagine this was before you went (emigrated?) to a Pacific island?

    Since that was a different agency in a different country at a different time, it's hardly surprising that we've emerged with different views of the value of agents.
     
  4. MilesTro

    MilesTro Senior Member

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    What about sentence structure?
     
  5. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    ...of course it is... and i'm not doing that... but you are, aren't you?...

    I observe you write and indeed mentor other writers for free now--so I presume that at some stage in the past, you used to sell writing.

    ...yes, i did... way back in my old life... but i have kept up with the business side of the writing world, since i deal with writers all day, every day...

    ...yup!...

    Since that was a different agency in a different country at a different time, it's hardly surprising that we've emerged with different views of the value of agents.

    ...i dealt with more than one agency in my old writing-for-money life and those i help and mentor deal with literally hundreds [if not more] now... so, my opinion is informed by many, many writers' experiences, not only my own, as yours is... and since i work with writers all over the world, i also have knowledge of how things work in many other countries... still skeptical?...
     
  6. Weaselword

    Weaselword Banned

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    Well, yes I am, but I think it would be discourteous to the original poster to continue the discussion in this thread.
     
  7. dwspig2

    dwspig2 New Member

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    This problem could be understood as a structure issue: too many superfluous verbs. I would go through this with a red pen and strike out any and all unnecessary verbs.

    Example:
    Far away in space, an alien race, known as the Elderons, is expanding their empire across three star systems. They wanted their empire to grow for great power. In their conquest for power, they encounter another race, called the Infinians, who resisted against the Elderons' power. On the Elderons’ home planet, a subterranean race, called Miarks, turned against the Elderon Empire, because they wanted to be free from slavery. And so a war between the Elderons, Infinions, and Miarks had begun(make it "began").

    Furthermore, unnecessary words don't really add to this. You could eliminate other things such as relative pronouns or entire clauses and substitute either 1.) nothing in their place or 2.) a prepositional phrase. Those highlighted, unnecessary verbs though really stood out at me as troublesome, and I'd eliminate them right away. With them, the writing simply seems/is clunky.
     
  8. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    true... feel free to email me, if you want to do so out of the thread... or start one in the lounge, if you'd like to open up a public discussion of the matter...

    maia3maia@hotmail.com
     
  9. MilesTro

    MilesTro Senior Member

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    Thank you.
     

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