Okay so yeah. Anyone that has read my poem knows somewhat of my dad. Ever since I wrote that poem, It's been bugging me. I analyzed myself to see if he really effects me even though he lives 8 hours from me. I've realized he still does, and I really want to tell him that. Like how I shake when I hear footsteps upstairs. I just listen intently and shake. Which sounds really weird... to not notice something like that, but it was just... a habit? My dad actually apologized for the first time in my entire life about a month ago. It came from no where. I wonder if I'm suppose to forgive him? It was so genuine. It felt real. I don't know D= I don't think I have the ability to ever forgive him. Even if I did, I don't think I could really mean it. I try and tell my mum these things, but talking isn't my thing. People are surprised when I actually do talk, since it's a rarity. When I do talk my words stumble, and I feel like a moron. When it comes to saying whats on my mind, it won't come out. I can write out what's going on without flaw. Do I just type out what I want to say to my mum and give it to her? Why does that sound so weird? The only thing I've really had the guts to tell her about is her having a boyfriend. It pisses me off, even though I see it as being justified. She is still married to my dad, even though there may be a divorce soon. It never really was much of a marriage... she took care of him, he was more like a child. She kisses him in front of me? I've talked to her about that, and she keeps saying they are just friends. We all know that's bull****. My dad has never really seen all the things he has done. He sees very little of it, enough that he thought he should apologize but I want him to see why I never want him back home again. My mum's told him to stay in Detroit but it hasn't got through his thick skull. He keeps coming back. I think if he realized how much we like it without his abusiveness, he might stay. Though at the same time, he is suicidal. If i caused his death... I couldn't take that. I even think about that when my mum actually starts the divorce. All my dad has is his job, his cats and his family. He barely has a family because of how he acts. Yeah. I feel better now.
To start with, a divorce is a legal process. The dissolution of the marriage takes place over a period of time, and certainly a big part of it is when the decision to divorce is made. By all means, you should speak your mind about how you feel about your mom dating, but at what point the marriage is over for her is something she gets to decide, to a large extent. Forgiveness - is not about telling him everything he did is ok, or that you are putting it out of your thoughts. Forgiveness is not about telling him you are letting him off the hook. In fact, forgiveness is not a gift to him at all. You can forgive him and never let him know it. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. It is letting go of the rage that will eventually eat you from the inside out. Forgiveness does not mean you let down your guard, either. You can forgive someone who remains physically dangerous while still resolving to never let yourself get into a situiation in which that person can act dangerously toward you. Forgiveness allows you to see the positive sides of the person without throwing up emotional walls, and lets you escape from the stress reactions that can ruin your physical and emotional health. Does this help at all?
