This is basically a thread about quotes that make you laugh you !@# off. im sure everyone has got a few quotes whether from TV or anime or whatever. My personal favorites are from POTC Dead Man's Chest Gibbs: So, we're setting out to find whatever this key unlocks? Jack Sparrow: No. If we don't have the key, we can't open whatever we don't have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it? Gibbs: So, we're setting out to find this key? Jack Sparrow: Now you're not making any sense at all. -------------------------- Will Turner: You want me to find this? Jack Sparrow: No. You want you to find this, because the finding of this finds you incapacitorially finding and or locating in your discovering the detecting of a way to save your dolly belle, ol' what's-her-face. Savvy? Will Turner: This is going to save Elizabeth? Jack Sparrow: How much do you know about Davy Jones? Will Turner: Not much. Jack Sparrow: Yeah, it's going to save Elizabeth. ------------------------------- From the importance of being earnest Jack: How you can sit there eating muffins when we're in this terrible trouble, I can't make out! It seems to me to be perfectly heartless... Algy: I can hardly eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. Jack eats muffins and Algy eyeballs him Jack: Good heavens, I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden. Algy: But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins! Jack: I said it was perfectly heartless of YOU under the circumstances. That is a very different thing. Algy: That may be, but the muffins are the same!
I love the opening of Red vs Blue. Sarge: I like to call it the warthog. Griff: I think it looks more like a Puma. Sarge: What in tarnation is a Puma? Simmons: You mean the shoe brand? Griff: No, a Puma. You know. Its a big cat. Like a mountain lion. (Pause) Sarge: You're making that up. Also, from RvB:R Ep 14 Caboose: I have an idea. Wash: Do I want to ask? Church: I don't know. Caboose, an idea? I don't like it. lol PotC has some great Dialogue. I also like V's first words in V for Vendetta the film:
I remember that one from V, i used to know it by heart but ive long since forgotten it. i dont know which RVB:R episode this is from but, Caboose throw grenade into wall right in front of him. Caboose: Someone put that wall there. Wash:That was the worst throw ever [PAUSE] of all time.
Kandi : Alan, do you know a good lawyor ? Alan : No, but my ex wife does... ~Two and a half men Alan : Shes not very sophisticated but she's street smart Charlie : What, sesame street smart ? ~Two and a half men Kandi : I go to the gym, my body is my instrument Berta : Yeah mine too, 3 beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a french horn ~Two and a half men Raymond Barone : What if they drug me and i wake up chained to a goat ? Frank Barone : You just described my wedding... ~Everybody Loves Raymond
Let's not forget President George W. Bush ; 1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000 4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000 5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005 7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000 8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000 10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
Demetri Martin Pwns Demetri Martin: I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice!.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees... ' 'Trust me.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' [Ladies, that's not true] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk. [cue card of bird with 4 wings saying 'I'm awkward'] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I was at a party, and I saw a guy with a leather jacket, and I thought, 'That's cool'. Then I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, 'That's not cool'. It was then that I realized what coolness is all about... leather sleeves. [turns page on drawing pad to reveal the phrase "I OWN LEATHER SLEEVES."] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Demetri Martin: I was in a card store and there were these cards that said "Get well soon." **** that! Get well *now
I have loads that make me laugh - trouble is, I doubt most of them would be as funny out of context. Here's a few, anyway. From Much Ado About Nothing by Shakespeare - Claudio: Benedick, didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato? Benedick: I noted her not; but I looked on her. Claudio: Is she not a modest young lady? Benedick: Do you question me, as an honest man should do, for my simple true judgment; or would you have me speak after my custom, as being a professed tyrant to their sex? Claudio: No; I pray thee speak in sober judgment. Benedick: Why, i’ faith, methinks she’s too low for a high praise, too brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise: only this commendation I can afford her, that were she other than she is, she were unhandsome, and being no other but as she is, I do not like her. Claudio: Thou thinkest I am in sport: I pray thee tell me truly how thou likest her. Benedick: Would you buy her, that you inquire after her? Claudio: Can the world buy such a jewel? Benedick: Yea, and a case to put it into… From the TV show Invader Zim - Dib: "Zim! I don't know what your plan is, but I'm going to stop you!" Zim: "I am infecting the city with genetically mutated vermin, but you'll never know!" Dib: "You just told me." Zim: [screaming] "YOU'RE LYING!" A couple of favourites from the film Henry Fool - Henry Fool: They're throwing bottles at your house. Come on. Let's go break their arms. Henry Fool: Look, Simon, I made love to your mother about half an hour ago, and now I'm beginning to think that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. And lastly, a little classic Spike, from Buffy - Spike: Ahhhh, my head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. Ah... God... I wish I was dead.
lol. Recently John Stewert of the Daily Show ahd a series of clips: Bush: We will not blink *blinks* the face of our enemy. Bush: We are fighting in the War on Terror, and we cannot blink *blinks* He had like five or six of them and I wondered why he ever thought that was a good analogy for what he was saying XD.
rofl I love much ado about nothing, man, that play kept me so freakin' entertained during english. Invader Zim pwns too
Yay! I meet so few Zim fans, lol. I was going to include my favourite Gir quotes, but "Are you gonna make biscuits!?" isn't as funny on it's own... :/
These are all from Flying High! (also known as Airplane! in some countries) Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar. Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back? Ted Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified. Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital. Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it? Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now. Rex Kramer: Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking. Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit taking amphetamines. [as the plane prepares to take off] Hanging Lady: Nervous? Ted Striker: Yes. Hanging Lady: First time? Ted Striker: No, I've been nervous lots of times. Elaine Dickinson: You got a letter from headquarters this morning. Ted Striker: What is it? Elaine Dickinson: It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important. Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land? Captain Oveur: I can't tell. Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor. Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure. Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess? Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours. Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours? Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight? Elaine Dickinson: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish. Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna. Elaine Dickinson: Would you like something to read? Hanging Lady: Do you have anything light? Elaine Dickinson: How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?" Rex Kramer: [talking to Steve McCroskey] Our only hope is to build this man up. We gotta give him all the confidence we can. [to Striker] Rex Kramer: Striker, have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before? Ted Striker: No, never. Rex Kramer: ****. It's a God damn waste of time. There's no way he can land this plane. Jack Kirkpatrick: Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash. [Elaine is relaying what Ted is saying to Kramer] Ted Striker: It's a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts. Elaine Dickinson: It's a damn good thing you don't know how much he hates your guts. [Flashback, about a bar he frequented during the war] Ted Striker: It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit. Elaine: It takes so many things to make love last. But most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live with a man I don't respect. [Randy is crying] Rumack: Randy, are you all right? Randy: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married. Rumack: We're going to make it, you've got to believe that. [a woman passenger comes in] Mrs. Hammen: Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing? Rumack: Pretty soon, how are you bearing up? Mrs. Hammen: Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But at least I have a husband. [Randy cries harder] Mrs. Geline: I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film. [reading newspaper headlines] Rex Kramer: Passengers certain to die! Steve McCroskey: Airline negligent. Johnny: There's a sale at Penney's!
I've got a lot, mainly from Firefly. (amazing sci-fi/western series) (Wash is playing with plastic dinosaurs.) Wash: (as Stegosaurus) Yes...yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it...this land. (as Allosaur) I think we should call it your grave! (as Stegosaurus) Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! River: I can kill you with my brain. Wash: You mean...like telepathy? That sounds like something out of science fiction! Zoe: We live in a spaceship, dear. Wash: So? Jayne: Yeah, and if wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak.
Woot for firefly [Mal and Zoe make a disturbing discovery during their train heist.] Zoe: Sir, is there some information we might maybe be lacking as to why there's an entire Fed squad sitting on this train? Mal: Doesn't concern us. Zoe: It kinda concerns me. . . . Zoe: You don't think that changes the situation a bit? Mal: I surely do. Makes it more fun! Zoe: Sir? I think you have a problem with your brain being missing. ... Mal: Hell, this job I would pull for free. Zoe: Then can I have your share? Mal: No. Zoe: If you die, can I have your share? Mal: Yes. [Jayne is demanding that Wash take off for the delivery without Mal and Zoe.] Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til you understand who's in ruttin' command here! Now we're finishing this deal, and then maybe -- MAYBE we'll come back for those morons... got themselves caught... and you can't change that by getting all... bendy. Wash: All what? Jayne: You got the light... from the console to keep you... lifting you up... they shine like... [starts grabbing at the air] little angels... [Jayne promptly falls flat onto the floor.] Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep? Simon: I told him to sit down. [Mal refuses to kill the prone, humiliated Atherton.] Sir Warrick: You have to finish it, lad. [Mal doesn't move] You have to finish it. For a man to lay beaten, yet breathing? It makes him a coward. Inara: It's humiliation. Mal: It would be humiliating, having to lie there while the better man refuses to spill your blood. Mercy is the mark of a great man. [He lightly stabs Atherton.] Mal: Guess I'm just a good man. [He repeats the poking.] Mal: Well, I'm all right. . . . Sir Warrick: You know, you didn't have to wound that man. Mal: Yeah, I know. It was just funny. Simon: My God. You're like a trained ape... without the training!
"When life gives you lemons, throw them at innocent civillians." - Me And then I love that scene in Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer when Bella learns what Jacob calls the one he imprinted on. (I tried not to give too much away about the book...and failed. ) Then there's lots more, but I can't think of any.
The funny thing is that if I was a medieval peasant with no knowledge of the concepts of density the argument totally makes sense !
Lol! In the spirit of Monty Python: Brian: You are all individuals! Crowd: YES, YES, WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS! Brian: You are all different! Crowd: YES, WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT! Lone Voice: I'm not. Person next to him: SHH! Coordinator: Crucifixion? Mr. Cheeky: Ah, no. Freedom. Coordinator: What? Mr. Cheeky: Eh, freedom for me. they said I hadn't done anything, so I can go and live on an island somewhere. Coordinator: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then. Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really! Coordinator: [laughing] Oh, I see, very good. Well... Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out the door, one cross each, line on the left. ... Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth? Brian: You sanctimonious bastards! Centurion: I have an order for his release! Brian: You stupid bastards! Mr. Cheeky: Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth. Brian: What? Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth. Centurion: Take him down! Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth! Victim #1: Eh, I'm Brian! Mr. Big Nose: I'm Brian! Victim #2: Look, I'm Brian! Brian: I'm Brian! Victims: I'm Brian! Gregory: I'm Brian, and so's my wife! Victims: I'm Brian! I'm Brian!... Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth! Centurion: All right. Take him away and release him. Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
"I'm on a whiskey diet, I've lost three days already" Tom Cooper "Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin Peter Cook: "I'm afraid there's a queue and you'll have to join the back of it." Man attempting to queue jump: "Do you know who I am?" Peter Cook: "Ladies and gentlemen, there's a man here who doesn't know who he is, could someone please remind him?" Man attempting to queue jump: "F*ck you!" Peter Cook: "I'm afraid there's a queue for that as well."
This is from Neil Gaiman's American Gods - I laughed out loud a few times reading that book, but especially so at this: 'You want me to follow you?' asked Shadow. 'Or has Timmy fallen down another well?' The bird cawed again, impatiently. Shadow started walking towards it. It waited until he was close, then flapped heavily into another tree, heading somewhat to the left of the way Shadow had originally been going. 'Hey,' Shadow said. 'Huginn on Muninn, or whoever you are.' The bird turned, head tipped suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes. 'Say "Nevermore",' said Shadow. 'F*** you,' said the raven.
