To preface, the story is fantasy intrigue. I have a character I created that initially was a tiny side character who has developed her own life. She is one of the other characters exs, she is dating a main character now, she grew up in a group home and is very self reliant. She had to struggle most of her life. Let's call her Jane. Recently the character she's dating (let's call them Gene) discovered that Jane does have family in the city and they are well off from some less than legitimate means. She herself has had to survive by less than legitimate means. Gene is very blunt, very straightforward with a stern sense of right and wrong and thinks Jane shouldn't see them. Jane goes to see them anyway and they are actually happy to embrace this new family member, her father was a rather loose character and didn't know she existed or who her mother is but he is perfectly willing to embrace this daughter he didn't know he had. My dilemma is here, I feel like Jane would want to know this family, she hasn't been dating Gene very long and I feel like his attempts to reason with her and tell her what she should do will backfire. She would feel judged by his opinions of the families morality after all she herself doesn`t have the most pristine past. I'm struggling with her characterization though, would she trust these strangers over her lover? Would she react with anger and be emotional when her lover tries to make her choose? I'm worried I am projecting onto her more than knowing what she would do. Any advice would be welcome.
I think I agree that Gene is overstepping, and his disapproval of her estranged family is likely to get him the heave-ho, or at least some very troubled relationship waters. But I think you may be overlooking a ripe bounty of internal conflict for Jane over whether she wants to get involved with a family she's done very well without for all her life. She's had to fight her way through the system, she sounds like a survivor who's not going to be all that trusting, and inclined to be wary of opening her life to a bunch of strangers just because they share some DNA. After all, the first question would be, where were they when she was abandoned to the foster care world? What's in it for her to disrupt her life to include them? My thoughts on this come from two sources. One is the lead character in Sue Grafton's alphabet novels, Kinsey Millhone, who wrestles with finding her family late in the series (notably in W is for Wasted, although her first meeting with the lost relatives is a few books earlier). The other is my own experience, as my father was out of the picture before I was a year old, and I have never really cared to find out more about that side of the family. Most of my relatives from my mother's side I could care less about too. I'm a pretty open person, but I still don't have much interest in tracking down or meeting others in my extended family.
What's your goal for these characters. As is it seems a little too cut and dry. Maybe some more nuance? Is Gene upset by them because he doesn't want reminders of the past, to share her, a genuine worry (i.e. if these people are crooks she could be getting herself into trouble), or maybe he's had experience with these types before. Does he think she's going in with too many set hopes and dreams. Does he have legitimate concerns? Again this will all go into how you want the story to go. I find it a little odd that someone would chose people they just met over a lover. That would make the lover seem little more than passing boyfriend. And if he demands for her to choose that makes him either seem controlling or intuitive. Either or work through it with some reasonable arguments as pushy controlling boyfriends in a story can backfire and make the mc look worse for choosing him. Maybe take it more slow show both their conflicts.
I'd say: Pick one. Pick one and write the argument or the internal musing or whatever. Write a few scenes. See if your decision has formed a character that seems right to you, or if you're constantly struggling with the decision. If you're struggling, write scenes in the other direction. She's yours. Either choice is plausible. When you make a choice, other elements of her personality will firm up around that choice. That's good.
So, I have been given a lot to think about and I appreciate all the replies! Thinking about it more I feel she would not want to lose either, like anyone I feel she would not make a decision easily or quickly. I think there's a lot of room for struggle. Thinking about if she listened to Gene and just cut them off without trying she would feel a little jaded, I feel that's the type of thing that would lead to regret and maybe resentment and could potentially damage the relationship if it turned to blame. I think I'll have to consider Gene carefully too, he is a stubborn person set in his ways a little bit but it also feels unrealistic for him to not be willing to bend even a little for her if he cares. To try and understand even if he doesn't agree. I think the main take away I have from the advice given is that I will try to summarize it out in both directions and see which one will get me to the end result I want. Write a path where Jane is determined and Gene is reluctant but eventually comes around or even maybe Jane does listen to Gene, but really struggles with it and Gene sort of recognizes he is trying to make this decision for her instead of with her. Because if she realizes she doesn't need them on her own that's vastly different than being told she doesn't need them and never really believing it.
She's learned survival skills, she's not going to give that up for some rich family that never cared about her before. I can understand wanting to find out "where you came from" but that does not define who you are. I can see her very much not trusting them.
Yes. This. In my opinion, anyway. It makes sense to let this develop and see what you get, unless you're 100% decided already ...which it doesn't sound as if you are. This will all boil down to the characters you're creating. What would THEY do? Test them out.
The advice above is sound. For me personally it's hard to make a suggestion or give advice with the lack of context. Where is this story going? What is the story about? And how will these character choices influence the story? Based on this dilemma is does seem to be a side plot with no real consequences to the main story, or the answer would reveal itself. I personally believe that characters are formed to serve the plot and all the attributes we give them, their choices and actions, are created to serve the plot and not the other way around. Which result would you like, and tailor your character to suit the result. So for me, the question isn't 'what would my character do?' but 'what type of character would do this?' If it's choose the family, or choose the lover, both have emotional consequences, especially if she picks the family, loses the lover and the family rejects her. But my stories tend to be bleak.
