RPG lounge

There was a clanking of gears and a shifting of hydraulic pistons as a seven-foot automaton in a yellow raincoat limped across the room, causing nearby tables to wobble haphazardly. His crimson photoreceptors dilated.

"Apple juice?" he exclaimed, a shrill, tinny voice echoing from a reverberating inner vocabulator. "They have #@^&ing apple juice in this $#!^hole and I'm been trying to drink SLURM? Damnit Jim, I'm a robot, not a private investigator!"

1SAAC's head rotated 360 degrees with a scream of motors. "Apple juice? From #@^&ing concentrate? What is this wretched hive of scum and villiany coming to?"

 

Ellin stared at the man who was talking. Ellin giggled slightly. And then turned bright pink. He didn't mean to giggle. But it seemed well...sort of funny. He stared at the bar tender though.
"Sir I'm just really thirsty," Ellin said, "You have any water maybe?"

 

Some robot started to walk in, he was wearing a yellow raincoat.

"Apple juice?" he exclaimed, a shrill, tinny voice echoing from a reverberating inner vocabulator. "They have #@^&ing apple juice in this $#!^hole and I'm been trying to drink SLURM? Damnit Jim, I'm a robot, not a private investigator!"

1SAAC's head rotated 360 degrees with a scream of motors. "Apple juice? From #@^&ing concentrate? What is this wretched hive of scum and villiany coming to?"

Tim was just about to tell him off when he actually recognized those lines, but from where, some movie or TV show he supposed. What was this suppose to be, the Robot Human form of Robot Chicken?

Then the man giggled, his temperature rose revealing his face to turn into a bright pink,

"Sir I'm just really thirsty," Ellin said, "You have any water maybe?"

Tim sighed and pinched his brows, "fine whatever, 2.50 for the bottled water," he motioned his hand to open the fridge and he pulled out a Dasani water bottle, "drink up boy. Dammit I'm tired of this ****."

He slowly retreated into the back room, Sara looked over to the boy, "You'll have to forgive him, he's just angry because I'm here."

 

Ellin played 2.50 and nodded to the girl. He opened the water bottle and began to drink it as if he had never had something to drink before. He was a bit messy with it spilling a little out of the bottle. But he was extremely thirsty and couldn't stop himself.
He finished the bottle in 3 minutes without taking a single breathe. He realized what he had done and he became almost embarrassed by the fact.
"Thank you very much for the water," Ellin said.

 

"Thank you very much for the water," said the boy.

"No offence," said Sara, "but I'd doubt he'd return a welcome. He's too dammed stubborn and can't deal with the fact that after ten years I've finally found the poor bastard," she looked up at the boy, "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your name, mine is Sara."

 

Ellin looked around to recycle his water bottle. But maybe bypassed that as the girl asked his name.
"My name is Ellin Streaks," he said with a slight bow, "Um...I hate to be of a burden, but is it possible if I could have another water bottle?"

 

SLURM? Isn't that what they use to make landfill linings these days?

She took a moment to gaze awkwardly at the seemingly inebriated robot, and then got back to Tim.

"Anyway, Tim, I get you've got this whole man-PMS thing going on, and that you and your sister have years of unsettled sibling rivalry, and that this yuppie over here thinks he can buy apple juice in a bar, but c'mon. No need to be any more of a whiny nimrod than you usually are. You've a lot to deal with right now. A drunk robot, a confused kid, a... ugh--" she turned to Sara "I don't know you long enough to make fun of you yet. My apologies-- a sister, an old man, 'Bugs Bunny' was finally caught by Elmer Fudd, and an incredibly sexy shapeshifter that's so awe-inspiring, you can't even think straight around her! So man up, deal with things, get your references straight, and we'll be here to back you up. Mind you, some will be more helpful than others..."

She copied Honorius' form.

"And I'm not a minor."

"Now, let's deal with your problems one at a time here.
One, get along with your sister asshole. You're a big kid now. Get it? Two, we need Bugs back, or else who KNOWS how long your pissy-fits are gonna last. Three, find some use for this little bugger over here who doesn't know what a bar is. Maybe, get him a dictionary or something."

"Now, if anyone else needs Dr.Demos Phil, I'll be over there cleaning that leak the robot made on his way in here..."

"Oh, and Sara? You're a'ight."

 

"Drunk? Madam, you doth protest too much," 1SAAC whistled. "I could not be farther from intoxication. On the contrary, I am unpleasantly aware of my present condition and geographical dimensions. My servocore aches with the existential gloom of it all."

His skull-like head twisted to one side and grinned, as grinning was one of the few things skulls were any good for. His hat fell off. 1SAAC's photoreceptors swivelled to record its trajectory, and watched simulated recreations of the event for several nanoseconds before letting out a short, hissing sigh.

"Damn."

 

"Drunk? Madam, you doth protest too much," 1SAAC whistled. "I could not be farther from intoxication. On the contrary, I am unpleasantly aware of my present condition and geographical dimensions. My servocore aches with the existential gloom of it all."

"Ohh, alright. You just tend to shout whatever comes to mind at random, and drink liquid landfill lining. Well, sir-type-thing, my suggestion would be to stop being so bitter about where you are, and concentrate on not putting so much oil on your rusty bits, Tin man. Look what you did to the floor."

But 1SAAC was too busy looking at his hat on the floor. Demosthenes let out a sigh.

She took this opportunity to pick up the hat from the floor, wiggle it in front of 1SAAC, and place it on her head.

"Looks better on me, sunshine. And if you've got to expel any sort of fluids, do it in private." She winked, and skipped towards the washroom for towels.

 

It was at that moment, 1SAAC underwent a revelation.

This spritely creature was right. He did need to stop being so bitter, because according to the majority of his factual sources (ranging from UrbanDictionary to LolCats), bitterness was accompanied by poor taste and a lack of popularity. He did need to stop putting so much oil on his rusty bits, because oil was no substitute for a healthy diet and regular exercise. And hats did look better on other people--he could not admire a hat that he could not see, and he could not see himself wearing a hat.

1SAAC felt cleansed. Reborn. Rejuvinated. Full of newfound purpose and open-mindedness.

He shuffled his large feet and started watching Dragonslayer in the back of his head. Vermathrax Pejorative!

 

Watching the robot with some interest, and chuckling at the odd boy who had ordered water at a bar, Demetrius scratched the back of his head and turned to Honorius.

"Hey, so I got hired by Tim and I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do. Hopefully it involves killing things."

 

Honorius listened to the others with interest. Apple Juice? What was this kid thinking? And who was this robot? And then Demosthenes shifted into Honorius's form. "Cut that out," Honorius snapped as he changed Demosthenes back with a wave of a hand.

Hopefully it involves killing things.

"Yes, you'll be killing things. You'll help drown hundreds of broken dreams and lost jobs. Basically you'll be serving drinks, or you can be a bust boy if you'd like."

He turned to the apple juice boy. "Apple Juice, where exactly did you come from? Not many time travelers drink apple juice."

 

Quoten groaned and sat up. "I daresay," he mused to himself, "I had the most peculiar dream. Can't imagine why I would dream about judging a poker tourney in space, though. And," he added, looking at the still-empty table, "in all this time I have still not been served. Why must an otherwise wonderous bar be burdened with such a handicap?" He sighed, stood up, and began trying to find a waiter/ess.

 

"Yes, you'll be killing things. You'll help drown hundreds of broken dreams and lost jobs. Basically you'll be serving drinks, or you can be a bust boy if you'd like."

"Damn, I thought I'd get to be a bouncer at least. I guess I'll serve drinks. It's almost as good as getting drunk yourself. One last question: Can I kill them if they don't tip?"

 

"Can you kill them if they don't tip? Hmm. No, Tim needs the business. He's already got the IRS all over his back. You know what? You can start by helping that guy with the sword."

 

"Can you kill them if they don't tip? Hmm. No, Tim needs the business. He's already got the IRS all over his back. You know what? You can start by helping that guy with the sword."

"Damn. But with the IRS and all that, I guess I get it."

Making a face and finishing his drink, Demetrius got up and walked over to the "guy with the sword." Smiling in a cheesy and slightly ominous way, he said through clenched teeth, "Hey there, can I take your order?"

 

Tim had promptly ignored Demosthenes when he walked into the back room. He didn't need to hear whatever she had to say, she was young and very annoying. He just needed something to kill now, a daemon would be a perfect target. He would need to retrieve the Lagomorph sometime soon, it was a dangerous and blood thirsty daemon, but it was also a good guard bunny.

 

"Hey there, can I take your order?"

"Ah! Service! Splendid! I was beginning to wonder if you would ever get to me. It's bad for business to leave customers waiting for long, royalty especially.

But I digress. A bottle of your finest wine, my good man! And a drink of your choice for yourself, while you're at it. Service this slow likely results from overwork, so you could probably use it."

 

Demetrius retained his cheesy, dangerous smile all the way back to the bar, where Honorius stood.

"Yeah, so that guy over there wants a bottle of 'your finest wine' and he bought me a drink too, so, give me a pretty stiff one. I don't know what kind of alcohol you guys drink out here."

Once again, a pain flared in the back of his mind, and this time it did not leave. S***! One of his brothers was around! Looking about wildly, he saw no one, but his mind was on full alert.


* * * *

As Demetrius' headache grew worse, a man entered the bar. His appearance was strange, as he was wrapped in bandages from head to toe, with only one eye left uncovered. Looking around through this eye, he caught sight of an unruly red head, and smiled underneath the bandages. Walking purposefully over to the red hair, he tapped him on the shoulder and said brightly, "Hi, Deemy!"

Demetrius stiffened at the nickname and turned, the scowl on his face melting away into a smile as he saw who it was.

"Hey, Olly."

 

Sara couldn't help to stifle her laughter, a demon so powerful with such a ear-deafening name was reduced to... Deemy. Sara had to turn away to contain her laughter, it was just too much for her.

When she was done she turned back, her face flushed with red, "I'm sorry, but that was *snicker* too funny," she turned to this Olly, "hello, I'm Sara, and you would be?"

 

Yeah, so that guy over there wants a bottle of 'your finest wine' and he bought me a drink too, so, give me a pretty stiff one. I don't know what kind of alcohol you guys drink out here.

Hi, Deemy!

Looks like we have another guest, Honorius thought as he prepared his strongest drink for "Deemy". He would need it.

"You must be one of Demetrius's brothers! Am I correct?" Aves asked as he handed Demetrius his drink and the foolish king his wine. Then, turning to the king he asked, "You've got the money for this, right? This costs half a million gold coins."

 

"This costs half a million gold coins."

"Oh of course!" Quoten pulls out a slip of paper, a clearly forged banknote with '1 million Shards' scrawled on it. Noticing the reservation with which the note was taken, he decided to explain. "Confused? This, my good man, is my own device: paper money! You see, Cumber used to be plagued by an influx of several different currencies, causing unending trouble for the populous. I was forced to create a currency of our own. Unfortunately, the broken glass I chose as our currency standard was difficult to handle. Cumber is too small for mines, so metals are a rarity you see. Anyway, I had the royal treasury round up all the Shards in the kingdom and these notes were issued accordingly. An ingenious solution, if I may say so myself."

 

1 million Shards

".........*Cough cough cough*......... I'm afraid we don't take 'Shar--" Before Honorius finished an ingenious idea popped into his head. "I'm afraid we don't take banknotes here, Tim is having some trouble with the IRS at the moment, so I'm going to need you to pay in cash, or, well, 'Shards' anyways."

 

Tim meditated on his current dreams, they were becoming more and more destructive with each passing day. He could only think of one thing that could cause so much damage, "so he is coming then."

* * *
Within his mind

"What do you suggest?" Tim asked blatantly.

"You'll have to be more specific than that my lord," retorted Nurgle.

"You know that I don't have time for games Nurgle."

"Then may I make a suggestion," Aziral creaped from the shadows.

"Then speak your mind."

"You can't fight him alone, you know that the others would be willing."

"That may be true."

"Then go for it."

Tim nodded, "I will then."

* * *
In the bar

The others were enjoying their jokes, laughing, and drinks, all of a sudden it seemed as though a spell had come over them, they all just froze up. Suddenly their minds were transported elsewhere, their bodies however remained in their frozen position.

There was a blinding white light, a flash, then they woke up. They felt the cool spring breeze, birds chirped happily, the sky was a clear and crisp blue. The group were all dressed in clean white clothing, each reverted back to their original human forms. They all got up and saw a figure, also dressed in white, at the edge of a cliff overviewing the scene.

Sara got up first and approached him, "Tim?"

"Yes Sara, it is I."

They stood there staring at the beautiful landscape, "amazing, is it not?"

"What's going on brother? Why are we here?"

"I brought you all here. I need your help."

 

"I'm sorry, but that was *snicker* too funny," she turned to this Olly, "hello, I'm Sara, and you would be?"

Demetrius scowled at Olaf.

"Heh, sorry Deem. I forgot you don't like that nickname."

Turning to Sara, he replied, "I'm Olaf, one of Demetrius' brothers. Its very nice to meet you."

As he finished speaking, he felt a tug on his mind, and both he and Demetrius looked at each other before they were pulled into a mindscape. Sitting up, Demetrius looked over at Olaf, who, in his haste to get up, had unravelled some of the bandages over his face. Demetrius looked over, braced for what was usually a horrible sight. Oozing, open gashes, scars, and wounds usually covered most of Olaf's face. But, as the bandages fell off, it revealed his brother's face, whole and unblemished. Gods, he'd forgotten what Olaf looked like. Demetrius frowned.

"You haven't found a person to take your wounds yet, have you?"

"No," answered Olaf, feeling his face with a touch of alarm. "But more importantly than that, where are we?"

"I dunno," replied Demetrius, "but there's Tim, so it probably has something to do with him."

At that moment, Tim spoke.

"I brought you all here. I need your help."

"See? What'd I tell ya?"