Novel Share Your First Paragraph

Hmm, the problem I had was the generic use of "material," but I'm guessing you have a reason to need that then. The rest of the imagery is good, IMO.

 

I decided to stop the critique where the Stop is. To be honest I struggled with this. Primarily because the short sentences actually not making much sense at all (ironically), and do not link together to form a prose that sets any particular scene.

Also Avoid adding quantitative values in prose e.g. 24 hours.

I really suggest that you go through this and pick it apart and decide what you are really trying to convey, what do you want the reader to get out of this? How are they meant to feel? and then re-structure and re-write accordingly.

Whatever happens don't give up. I think the hardest part of writing is the beginning!!

Good luck

 

I see. Makes sense. That the petals look like they should be the floor of the meadow isn't clear. Very helpful, just what I was looking for.

 

They brought Little Man to the WinABurger castle long after midnight under the glow of the first star. He was curled in a nest made from an old pink nylon stocking that still smelled of the lady who wore it last. And the little nest had been put in the wooden birdcage – recently gilded when they caught Little Man sawing away with a nail file as long to him as a logger's saw, trying to escape. The powder blue Chevy sped through the night like a rocket carrying Little Man, the looming Macy-day float heads of Him and He silent. The smoke-stack of their cigarettes belching thin streams out the gusting crack of window. And Little Man dreamed of growing tall like a sunflower rising towards its homage. -- opening from a short story I'm working on called Emmy.

 

Interesting story and your descriptions, similes and metaphors are excellent as usual. But the second half muddles things.

Consider making this passage into two paragraphs. The change to the blue Chevy from your description of bringing the nest to the WinABurger doesn't flow. It could if the Chevy was a new paragraph.

And there are some other things with the sentences that follow. It needs is something that makes the car scene a little clearer. I had to read about the smokestacks twice to understand it was inside the car and not outside.

I don't get this: "the looming Macy-day float heads of Him and He silent."

I like Little Man's dreams. They tie the story.

 

Thanks GingerCoffee!
Yeah, the Macy-day float heads are giving me issues. Either I need to broaden the sentence to clarify he sees the regular sized men like Macy's day floats or maybe it's my punctuation.

 

Yes. It's not clear Him and He are Little Man's inferences. And float can be a noun or a verb, which is a cause of confusion. 'Silent' needs a comma preceding it, otherwise it looks like it's part of He, like a name 'He silent', even though 'silent' isn't capitalized.

 

The only thing you need to know about me is you don't need t0 know anything abut me. Sharing myself with you is my decision, and my decision is Yes. For now. My name? I am known around here as The Storyteller. I am quite satisfied with that. As far as you, and I, are concerned, you may call me that. I have been in this place a long time, how long doen't matter.
Everyone here is my brother and sister. All one family, with mixtures of happiness and sadness. Darkness seeps into every hallway, everything around here. It used to bother me they felt like this, but I've come to accept it. Acceptance is very important to us.

The short story is called The Dark. Think of it as a story of the darkess of mental illness/depression.

 

Firstly seems like an interesting start. I quite like the first sentence. However there are some aspects I find don't make sense and make it difficult to read. Below is my suggestions for improvement.

Blue = Additions
Strike through = Remove
Green = Critique

Sorry It looks as though I didn't like it. Not true, I just don't like having my last bit of happiness I have left being sucked out of me.

I say this a lot when I critique on here. Pick this apart and really think about what you are trying to convey to the reader, what you want them to feel and then re-write accordingly. Ultimately you aim should be in your first paragraph to entice the reader to read the rest of the story.

Good luck

 

I originally wrote this in notepad, also i'm new to writing stories but if you wish to draw blood in your critique... I wouldn't say no^^ The way i wrote this was, in my mind completely intentional. The impression of the lady vampire's intentional intent was how i wished to portray her, unique sensibilities. So i do apologize if my complete lack of knowledge for what constitutes a paragraph, proper indentation, grammar, quotation marks and so on. The words Cutty, there are afew other ooooh's and such. I do hope it's not too boring.

Hello, you may call me lady vampire or just vampire if you wish; look deeply into mine eyes. Yes that is what you shall call me. Ohhhh so sorry did I hypnotize? I try not to do that again. I have a problem I wish to speak of. I keep killing. Killing all my beloved's, I drink too much you see? They simply fall limply in my embrace... I say noooo, not again! I say urgently mournfully, wait, wait beloved don't go. No...! No go! No go! Here, I say take my blood, it will bring you back. You will be like me beloved one, you will see. Here I cutty wrist. Cutty. Cutty. Cutty, and ahhhh. Cutty! There you see beloved how much my blood drip drip drips? It falls onto your lips, making your red lips even redder, mmmm. The blood flows, you see? It flows into your mouth. Blood travel all over your tongue and down your throat. What's that you say beloved? Did you say something? You say the blood tastes good? Yeeesss! That is what i say, I say it all the time. I say ohhh bloood... mahhhhh! Blood tastes oooh sooo gooood. Then I say, could I drink some of your blood? I say look, look into my eyes. Can I drink some of your blood now? They say yes beloved, they always say yes. I must be the luckiest vampire in the world because it seems like no one can ever say no to me. But on the other side of coin. This hurts me my petite flower, this hurts my heart to say these words. I can't say no to any of my beloved's.

 

Honestly I found it rather enjoyable. And that says a lot given my stance
on Vampires as of late. It has personality, and gives of this creepy seductive
vibe, which gives it tone. Curio to see where you take this, and what happens
later on in the story.

 

Thank you CT. I have two weeks afew critiques to do before I can post the rest, it is very rough. I may join the club as it were so I can skip the two weeks. Though I don't know who would want to hear any critique from me. I'm like a newborn vampire freshly arisen from the grave when it comes to writing. Oh yessss. I almost forgot, how do I do that quote thing?

 

There is are three little blue words at the bottom right of every post: Like, +Quote , Reply
Click on +Quote, or you can click and hold highlighting the text of the post you want to
quote. Right click the highlighted bit, and it will ask Quote/Reply.
Just clicking on reply takes the entire post you want to reply to.

 

The quote thing she is a cruel mistress... maybe it doesn't work that well on iPad tablets... it highlights everyone's posts if I try to move it down one sentence. I need to bite something! Ah technology, where is my beloved when I need her...

 

@honey hatter I am sorry it is giving you troubles on your tablet.
I have never used one on here, or ever for that matter so I wouldn't
know. I happen to be on a laptop, cause I don't touch screen well.
Hope you get it sorted.

 

Thanks for your help CT, mmm fettered technology... I meant to say more after the comma. I will figure this out. I have lots of time, do I not?

 

You're welcome.
I think you will have plenty of time, being a Vampire and all.

 

You're welcome.
I think you will have plenty of time, being a Vampire and all.

 

Here's the opening paragraph of my current primary WIP (I've always got at least two on the go but one tends to get more attention than the other);

 

Panicking to see the sea of red after posting this. However, to get better, one must always identify where they are going wrong. This is a WIP, and still needs editing. It is a small paragraph, but hey ho.



Four days Zak had been running with his heavily pregnant wife Alyssa, a fifth looked unlikely. They were in a curious looking forest, where the trees fluoresced in the dark. With veins like small silkworms, the leaves glistened, watched over by two bright moons. The wildlife had fled the area, leaving an uncharacteristic silence; even the wind had dropped. The ground was firm but springy, autumn would soon be arriving and the small cold snap in the air became the only relief to their overworked lungs.



Pet peeves I still have, which may be me overthinking or being picky.

1. It reads better grammatically as "For four days Zak had..." but I (personally) find two repeating pronunciations or actual words excruciatingly annoying (he had had enough of today etc).
2. "With veins like small silkworms, the leaves glistened..." - Why in the back of my head does this feel like a hanging/dangling participle? The first sentence invites it, but the leaves are the subject I am aiming for, so, it's fine right? (Right?! lol)
3. ; < Research has told me semicolons are a 50/50 in novels, where some people love them and others hate them. It is a tool, and if not used excessively can work well in my opinion. All tools should be used in an appropriate frequency and manner.
4. "The ground was firm but springy, autumn would soon be arriving and..." Two issues, technically a semicolon could be used after "springy" (uh oh two in one paragraph!) and maybe it's just me being pedantic, but two words Spring(y) then Autumn, literally after each other feels jarring - they are opposite seasons in terms of dates (180 days apart). I understand the word springy is separate from the season, just in my opinion, feels jarring. Hopefully I am being overly harsh with myself, though I doubt it.

 

I like the description of the forest sounds magical. It makes me wonder why the wildlife fled...

TwistedHelix ....leaving an uncharacteristic silence; ..... I tripped on uncharacteristic I was wondering to what.. Maybe you could use an unfamiliar silence.
TwistedHelix ...The ground was firm but springy,... Firm is unmovable maybe compliant would work

 

This is a little thing that I consider adding as the first paragraph (On top of the current first paragraph, because they connect very well one after the other), so I'd like to hear some opinions.

"As he watched his dried up bones, Leovigildo struggled to remember all the little moments which had led his life to that precise instant. He had to go back to a far away era, to that fateful day of autumn. It was a different time. A time of courage and sacrifice, of great deeds and crushing tragedies. Back then, when Caladria was celebrated as a land of honor, his people respected and reveered him, for he was a known hero, way back before he became a monster".

Any thoughts? Too pretentious? Not enough information? Too ambiguous? Am I asking too many questions?

The current first paragraph doesn't hint anything that will happen afterwards, so it's a rather big change.

 

It was hard for this paragraph to paint a picture because of the words spent on time.

the little moments
that precise instant
go back to a far away era
fateful day
a different time
A time of courage
Back then,
way back before

 

Hi Thundair!

Many thanks for the input. I am happy with the forest description. At first I had listed more, but the theme of the first chapter is a fast paced chase so flourishing description felt too slow and jarring. I kept it concise but hopefully enough for the reader to establish a good vision of the setting.

Unfamiliar works well - it is also more personal than uncharacteristic as it invites to the senses of the person going through the forest, rather than the property of the forest. The ever true "show don't tell". Many thanks!

Yes...I am aware of the oxymoron firm and springy presented...In my minds eye, I mean "strong" I guess? Like archery, you want a strong wood - a firm wood, to be able to draw the string back without the wood breaking, but not so firm it shatters, it needs just that "touch" of "springy". Like skyscrapers, they are solid - but designed to wobble just enough for strong winds. Or car suspension, most definitely a spring - but under normal loads is solid and almost unmovable.

I like the word compliant, it certainly helps remove the oxymoron nature of the sentence, and is in keeping with what my minds eye is envisaging.

One thing I am not too sure of (and relates to my first post of past/present tense) is the word became? Maybe "had become"?