Show me, don't tell me!

Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by alpacinoutd, Feb 6, 2021.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2016
    Messages:
    22,569
    Likes Received:
    25,883
    Location:
    East devon/somerset border
    but returning to my original point you only do that if its important... nearly getting killed on the freeway is a big deal, if he just sees a sexy girl in in passing you might want a lot more brevity "hmm, mmm. nice ass... (assuming that kind of thing is in character - if its not the reaction needs to track with your characters personality)
     
    alpacinoutd and Xoic like this.
  2. B.E. Nugent

    B.E. Nugent Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023

    Joined:
    May 23, 2020
    Messages:
    1,262
    Likes Received:
    2,192
    Dogberry's Watch is wise and Xoic is correct.

    Excellent discussion here. Will re-read what I've written with some clarity as to what I'm looking for. Finding it is another thing......
     
    alpacinoutd and Xoic like this.
  3. Naomasa298

    Naomasa298 HP: 10/190 Status: Confused Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2019
    Messages:
    5,346
    Likes Received:
    6,170
    Location:
    The White Rose county, UK
    You *can* though use words like "he looked", if the act of physically looking is important to the scene though even then, you can describe it without those words. I can't think of anything off the top of my head right now, but this is the sort of thing I mean:

    For an instant, his eyes met hers before the truck hit him. (obviously, you might want the last bit to be a bit more graphic)
     
    alpacinoutd likes this.
  4. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2019
    Messages:
    12,460
    Likes Received:
    13,503
    Location:
    Way, way out there
    Both true sometimes. :superwink:

    Also true, if a bit advanced for someone struggling with the basic idea.

    But yeah, you can make the act of looking powerful and significant.

    Example:

    "Don't look directly at it!! You'll burn your eyes out! My dad made this pinhole box so we can see it."

    "Ah, that's a buncha malarkey. C'mon, a solar eclipse only happens once in a lifetime, you gonna pass up the chance ta see it live an' in person?"

    He looked. :supershock: :cry:

    Like all these 'rules', they're never hard and fast. They're guidelines to help you understand the concept, then you don't need the rule anymore.
     
    alpacinoutd likes this.
  5. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2020
    Messages:
    316
    Likes Received:
    104
    You also mentioned "hear" as one of the telly verbs.

    I wrote this: She could hear the distant woof of stray dogs in the cold night. She got terrified, trembling with fear.

    For practicing, this is how I made it showy:

    Sara was walking home. The distant woof of dogs cut through the night. Last year, her friend was mauled by a group of stray dogs on her way to school. Sara shuddered, hugging herself as the barking got closer. I will see tomorrow.

    Am I on the right track?
     
    Xoic likes this.
  6. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2019
    Messages:
    12,460
    Likes Received:
    13,503
    Location:
    Way, way out there
    ^^ Well done.

    [​IMG]
     
    alpacinoutd likes this.
  7. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2020
    Messages:
    316
    Likes Received:
    104
    I have been thinking about how this can be made showy:

    Johnson entered the big interrogation room. A tall silhouette sat in the corner. He flicked on all the lights and walked towards him. Up close, Dean looked more like a Silicon valley programmer than a serial killer. He stared at Johnson with inscrutable eyes. It was as if he was watching an insurance ad on TV.
    "The sooner we do this, the better for both us," said Johnson.
    "Do this? What is it exactly you want to do sir?" he said. His voice was flat and remorseless, making Johnson wonder if he regretted killing all those people.


    I don't want it to be re-written, I need some hints about making it showy. I mean if the character's eyes are inscrutable, how can that be shown? If there is no regret in his voice, if the character is wondering if someone regrets something, how can these be shown?
     
  8. Seven Crowns

    Seven Crowns Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor Contest Winner 2022

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2017
    Messages:
    1,998
    Likes Received:
    3,691
    Well, never consider "tell" the villain. If you manage to kill every tell you're going to have a melodrama, because everything the MC does will be overemphasized. Even the best deep-POV touches a sensation and then moves away to a tell. So use "Show" to show where the moment is important. (that seems redundant, sorry)

    Your narration levels look like this:

    ------------------> The Author (Loves the Meta)
    |
    |
    ------------> The Narrator (Loves to Tell)
    |
    |
    -------> MC with POV (Loves to Show)

    Anyone can break their role. It's possible for the Narrator to Show. It's possible for the MC to Tell. They won't hesitate to do so. Unless you're Twain, the Author stays silent for the most part. (There's some really bad writing where he/she doesn't. Stay true to the story. Don't mix in in any politics du jour. Remember who the narrator is, and let them do their job.)

    Show is done through the MC with sensation (or whichever character has POV). It's immediate in the timeframe of the story, and that's what makes the reader feel that they're there, immersed in the story, subsumed. "Looks" are the easy ones. "Listens" are obvious too. Usually the tactile sensations are what seamlessly add more to the scene. Of course you have smell and taste, and when they do appear nicely it's fantastic, but you can't have your MC sniffing the air like a bloodhound and licking the environment like an Augustus Gloop. Use discretion. (There are more senses: balance, hunger, heat/cold, etc.)

    If it were me doing this--and I will refrain from rewriting your example--I'd have the MC come in and feel the chill of the room. Maybe it stinks from the last prisoner. Stress the dull thunk of his shoes upon the concrete. Maybe he kicks a pebble as he scuffles along and imagines it might be a tooth.

    I can't help but mix in the 5 wits, also from Aristotle (because the 5 senses are also his invention). The 5 wits are: memory, estimation, fancy, imagination, and common wit (or common sense). When you have an MC supposing what's in the environment or what was in it, or what its purpose is, you can see how you're pulling ideas from the inner wits. That also brings the reader in deeper. It's a great way to pull into deep-POV without resorting to inner dialog all over the place.
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2021
    alpacinoutd, Naomasa298 and Xoic like this.
  9. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2019
    Messages:
    12,460
    Likes Received:
    13,503
    Location:
    Way, way out there
    Isn't just about everything Aristotle's invention? Him and a few others I guess. Excellent post by the way.
     
    alpacinoutd and Seven Crowns like this.
  10. Naomasa298

    Naomasa298 HP: 10/190 Status: Confused Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2019
    Messages:
    5,346
    Likes Received:
    6,170
    Location:
    The White Rose county, UK
    But... but... I like inner dialogue!

    *thinks* I like inner dialogue.
     
    Seven Crowns, alpacinoutd and Xoic like this.
  11. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2019
    Messages:
    12,460
    Likes Received:
    13,503
    Location:
    Way, way out there
    ^ Wasn't that technically a monologue though? :superthink:
    Unless you have Evil Nao appear and argue with you, like Gollum. :supercheeky:
     
    alpacinoutd and Naomasa298 like this.
  12. Naomasa298

    Naomasa298 HP: 10/190 Status: Confused Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2019
    Messages:
    5,346
    Likes Received:
    6,170
    Location:
    The White Rose county, UK
    Well, here's the thing - how would YOU identify someone's eyes as inscrutable. What is it that displays emotions?

    For example, you will have heard that someone's smile doesn't touch their eyes. That's because their eyes don't crinckle round the corners like you do when you really smile. If you're playing poker, how do you prevent your eyes from giving your hand away? You maintain a level, steady gaze and blink as little as possible.

    But consider as well, as we have reiterated - is it important to show it? In this scene, probably yes because you're establishing the serial killer's state of mind, but it's not always the case.
     
    alpacinoutd likes this.
  13. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2019
    Messages:
    12,460
    Likes Received:
    13,503
    Location:
    Way, way out there
    Yeah, I think his eyes being inscrutable or his expression unreadable probably works, though it's telling. It fits the feel, unreadability seems to suit telling rather than showing.
     
    alpacinoutd likes this.
  14. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2020
    Messages:
    316
    Likes Received:
    104
    Great dimension! :superagree:
     
  15. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2020
    Messages:
    316
    Likes Received:
    104
    This is an example of a neutral, inscrutable look:

    [​IMG]

    We can say she didn't blink or her brows didn't move. But is that the same as inscrutable?

    Also, what about a quality in voice? How can that be shown? How can it be shown that the character's voice is flat and there is no regret in it?
     
    Xoic likes this.
  16. Naomasa298

    Naomasa298 HP: 10/190 Status: Confused Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2019
    Messages:
    5,346
    Likes Received:
    6,170
    Location:
    The White Rose county, UK
    You tell me. You have to understand what these things are if you're going write about them. At this point, you're starting to ask us to do your writing for you.

    You describe it and let the reader draw their own conclusion as to what it conveys.
     
    alpacinoutd likes this.
  17. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2011
    Messages:
    1,566
    Likes Received:
    1,655
    Location:
    Manchester UK
    Is that the same as enigmatic? (in reply to neutral inscrutable)
     
    alpacinoutd likes this.
  18. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2019
    Messages:
    12,460
    Likes Received:
    13,503
    Location:
    Way, way out there
    I think same as the inscrutable look, it works to tell that part because it's about a lack of affect or emotion. Sorry Nao, I couldn't stop myself! :supermad:
     
    Naomasa298 and alpacinoutd like this.
  19. alpacinoutd

    alpacinoutd Senior Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2020
    Messages:
    316
    Likes Received:
    104
    I think inscrutable and enigmatic are very close but the latter may be a tad more mysterious whereas the former shows no emotions.

    You might say "The guard had an inscrutable gaze." Or "The diplomat had an inscrutable face during the negotiations." But enigmatic does not work in these two examples because guards don't intend to be mysterious. They simply don't show emotions.

    The teaching instincts kicked in.:oops:
     
    SethLoki and Xoic like this.
  20. Selbbin

    Selbbin The Moderating Cat Staff Contributor Contest Winner 2023

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2012
    Messages:
    5,160
    Likes Received:
    4,243
    Location:
    Australia
    To muddy the waters a bit, be careful about the words used to describe things. If you as a writer struggle with the nuance of meaning, so might the reader and the information still not be clear and fail in it's objective to show what's going on.
     
    Naomasa298 and alpacinoutd like this.
  21. Seven Crowns

    Seven Crowns Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor Contest Winner 2022

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2017
    Messages:
    1,998
    Likes Received:
    3,691
    Use a tell and then emphasize it with the character's impressions, either through sense or emotion. So you're not trying to describe "inscrutable" in point-by-point detail, but feeling it through comparison. (memory)

    Ester was inscrutable. She didn't seem to notice me. She was like one of the creepy mannequins in the front of Cooper's store, with their plastic faces and thousand-yard stares.
    (statement). (simple emphasis). (MC's memory used as emphasis).​

    Or for the voice, let the MC's mind wander. (fantasy)

    She spoke with no intonation, zoned out on Zanex, no doubt. At any second, she might doze off.
    It is the character showing you, but he's doing it emotionally rather than totally with senses. The reader will still be pulled in.
     
    alpacinoutd, Xoic and Naomasa298 like this.
  22. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2019
    Messages:
    12,460
    Likes Received:
    13,503
    Location:
    Way, way out there
    You could also try similes or metaphors. Example: His eyes were like ice, his voice as flat as a billiard table.

    Ok, billiard table is ridiculous, but you know, you could find something better. This is the way a lot of hardboiled detective stories handle things of this nature. It's fun and easy to get carried away, things like "My throat was as parched as an old leather glove left on an Arizona highway in the summer." "There was a taste in my mouth like old socks dragged through the sewer."
     
    alpacinoutd likes this.
  23. Selbbin

    Selbbin The Moderating Cat Staff Contributor Contest Winner 2023

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2012
    Messages:
    5,160
    Likes Received:
    4,243
    Location:
    Australia
    He spoke like someone shoved a fistful of rocks in his mouth and then followed it up with some glue.
     
    alpacinoutd and Xoic like this.
  24. Xoic

    Xoic Prognosticator of Arcana Ridiculosum Contributor Blogerator

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2019
    Messages:
    12,460
    Likes Received:
    13,503
    Location:
    Way, way out there
    There should be a thread... :supergrin:
     
    alpacinoutd likes this.
  25. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2016
    Messages:
    22,569
    Likes Received:
    25,883
    Location:
    East devon/somerset border
    I wrote a whole paragraph answering this and then deleted it... there are a number of issues, but the biggest with this is that it is once again a paragraph asking for help with improvement, which belongs in the workshop

    :closed:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice