I think I will heed your insight. I was just sitting here thinking that I should probably just re-write what I have to fit first person point of view at least until I can get some practice under my belt. I am only 5 pages in so it would not be an issue at all.
Do you mean switching from first person to third person? Omniscient is a particular form of third person POV, where narration can switch form one character to another. Plus I'm a little confused as to what you mean by 'in the future'. Could you post an example, or be more specific?
I meant present not future sorry. I am sure I am referencing the pov's wrong. I can def post the first paragraph or two. It gets more prevalent later. As Melanie regained consciousness her eyes opened and were met with a deep, dark, endless void. I’ve been here before, the pounding headache, the aching muscles, the foggy head, the detective must have kidnapped me again. Detective Berkowitz is my father and he has been pulling this crap since I was nine. “Never know when something might happen”, his core mantra. I never should have trusted him. This was supposed to be the year I got a normal birthday. The year I got to leave behind all the bad memories, all the fear, all that fucked up evilness. He broke his goddam promise to me again and I am so FUCKING DONE! Here are a few paragraphs further along, “Hello? Detective? I’m awake now can we get started?” A few minutes passed until Melanie heard a door open and then the light came on. Melanie clamped her eyes shut from the brightness barely opening them a few seconds later until the world around her came into focus. She found herself strapped to a chair and facing a wall with her back to the rest of the room. Three feet in front of her a few inches from the wall sat an empty chair. “Why in the hell am I naked detective!? Have you finally fucking lost it?” Melanie was restrained at the ankles, knees, wrists, and elbows. There was a strap on her lap at the base of her hips and another across her chest. The chair was homemade with wooden wheels. It looked like a homemade wheel chair for an asylum patient that had tried to burn the hospital down. “At least you covered the important parts but do we really need to have me naked for this crap? And you said this year I could rest. Do you know how the other kids are going to treat me now? What time is it? I promised them I would pay for everything. I was making strides to be normal….at least to look and behave normal.” “Ssshh little caterpillar, all will be explained. I am sorry I ruined your plans but necessity is necessity.” “Are you using a voice modulator? You really out did yourself this time. Why am I naked? Will you please come around so I can see you? What is up with calling me a caterpillar? Just let me out so I can go meet up with my friends.”
I forgot to hit reply and just posted it hahahaha. I'm not sure if the alerts pop up if I don't directly quote you or not so I thought better go ahead and reply to your comment.
They don't, so good call on that. Ok, what it looks like to me is you're switching from 3rd to 1st because you're switching from narration to inner monologue. When it says Melanie it seems to be narration in 3rd person, and when it says I it seems to be her own inner thoughts. If this is the case, then you're doing it right, because of course in dialogue (or inner monologue) we always think of ourselves as I, never as he or she (or Melanie). Usually when you have inner thoughts like this they'd be in italics and also at times include a 'she thought to herself' or something. It helps separate inner monologue from narration.
Thank you for your feedback. It definitely helps in the confidence area. Is there a thread where I can post what I have at the moment where the members can comment on whether I should change direction somewhere or tell me if what I have is working so far? I know it is riddled with grammar errors as I have not written anything since college but for an overall story telling direction I would rather be sure I am on the right path. If there is not a thread available do you know of maybe a member that I could message privately that wouldn't mind taking a look? I have 2787 words so far so it would not be a long read.
You can post in the workshop as soon as you meet the workshop requirements (two quality critiques given to other pieces in the workshop for one of yours posted). I'd advise to first post in the workshop because then you'll get different perspectives. A single commentator can only offer his/her own opinions, and if you're unsure it'd probably more valuable to hear a cross-section of comments.
It could be that you're leaning toward switching the whole story to 1st person. Your wondering about it could indicate an intuitive desire to change it. If you're going to have a lot of it take place inside the protagonist's head, that might be a good choice, I can't tell from what's written here if it's going to be that kind of story or not (mostly the MC's internal monologue or thoughts). So far it seems to work in 3rd person, but if you do intend to have a lot of inner monologue, you might consider trying a global find and replace (if your software allows for it) and swapping I for Melanie, then doing the same with all instances of 'she'. You'd still need to go through and smooth out a few sentences, a big change like this would disrupt the flow in places. And if you're going to try such a big change, be sure to save your current manuscript and call it [TITLE] v1.0 or something, or [TITLE] First Draft, and generate a copy to work on. Call that one v2.0 or 2nd Draft.
I have been saving different revisions as I type it out. I'm probably going about this all wrong. What I posted here was the second revision. I think what I have decided on is to wait till I qualify to post to the workshop. All the members on here that have responded and given me critiques on this post and others have already shared a wealth of knowledge that has benefited me greatly. I think if the members here can read what I have at the moment you all will be able to let me know if I am at least heading in the right direction. I know I need help with everything from grammar to formatting and much more. I don't expect anybody to do any of that for me on here and I am currently trying to hunt down a class that can help refresh me on all of the technical stuff. My biggest fear is that I am just going in the wrong direction as far as in how I tell the story or even if the story is just going to be boring.
All of that can be fixed in revisions. Just keep studying grammar and formatting etc, do a lot of reading (you said on another thread you're doing that). It helps immensely. You learn grammar and all the rest of it through osmosis by reading. You should also get yourself Strunk & White's The Elements of Style (recommended for all writers) and a good style manual. The one most commonly used is called The Chicago Style Manual. I don't have that one, I got myself something called The Gregg Reference Manual. Probably not as good, and aimed largely at business writing, but many sections also apply to fiction. Keep these on your desk and refer to them frequently. As you're going over your work, keep checking the rules for anything that seems a little off (start with the ones that seem a lot off—or better yet, the mistakes you make most frequently). It's a good idea to concentrate on one thing at a time, like say commas first. You then need to consolidate what you've learned by using it—going though your work and fixing all instances where you got it wrong. Working like this you'll improve rapidly. After you've got commas down (if that's what you start with) then go to work on the next thing, maybe colons and semicolons, or whatever you think is next in importance. You also said you used to write better in college. That means it'll probably start coming back and you'll get a nice power-up pretty fast, just gotta break yourself back into it.
I cannot thank you enough. I wrote APA in college for my Psychology major and MLA for my Theatre major, both almost 20 years ago. I will pick up both The Strunk and Chicago manuals this weekend. I live pretty close to several different bookstores so hopefully one of them will have them and if not there is always Amazon.
I do have my fingers crossed. I feel my premise is entertaining. I just hope I can present it the way it is unfolding in my head.
