Congrats Lemex..*dances around with joy, steps on Prince Charming's toes and winces* I got a kall from my ex-boyfriend juh some 5 mins ago!! We're back together...lets see how long. lol
My boyfriend and I will be celebrating our 4th year together on the 25th of this month... What do I get him? It's kind of an important anniversary considering were going to University this fall...
Are you going to the same college? You could get him a commitment ring. It's a fairly unobtrusive way to show someone that you really care about them.
Here is my problem, though it's fairly silly and weird, I guess: My fiancee and I are in the process of moving and for the moment we're in my hometown. He's got himself a part-time job (20 hours a week) and he's gotten involved in this project where he's the lead voice actor. So, when he's not working, he reads over his script, records his lines and sends them in after he edits it with his computer (it's a non-paying animation gig that people collaborate on over the internet..it's a neat project). The thing is...he spends a lot of time on this project. And before this project, there was another one that also took his time after work, and when he wasn't doing either of those...he was just always on the internet browsing. For a while I didn't mind so much because I didn't want to be pushy...but now I'm getting very lonely. I do other things to distract myself. I hang out with my family or friends. However, I can't hang out with them as much as I like because they're either busy with something else or busy with finals. Normally, then, I would work on my other hobbies such as writing, singing or drawing. But, I lost all my art supplies in my last move, and as for singing...I can't hire out a voice coach or anything because I don't have the money (again, from our last move), and I need a voice coach because I sing opera (I delve into jazz, R&B, and musical stuff, but again, a coach is important since I haven't sang at all for a year), and I'd write...but I have a hard time writing when I'm sad or lonely. Sometimes I read things or play a game on the Wii...but the thing is...he just spends so much time when I'm home distracting himself. And then when I try to do something to get his attention, it backfires painfully. He doesn't want me to listen to his voice work. He doesn't want to take me out because of money issues, and he doesn't want to play on the Wii with me because he gets in a bad mood when I win. Just now we got Mario Kart for the Wii and when I won against him he flat out told me, "It's not fun playing with you." And now he's back to doing more voice work. I know it sounds silly...and it is. But he SERIOUSLY gets angry at me if I do better than him on games. And it's silly, really, because he's a lot better than me at everything else. He's got better job experience, he does better at school, people respect him more, he's way more creative and athletic... I try to impress him, but I can't seem to. And I don't know how to draw his attention to me. I confronted him once. I asked him to just take some time off. He freaked out on me and said this is what he likes to do and that I'm being unsupportive. And then another time he told me he likes being really busy and feeling like he has to do a lot of things. He's a workaholic, he said. I feel silly that I want his attention this badly...but I'm beginning to feel really boring. And that's not a comfortable feeling. I'd really be okay though if someone told me that I'm being too demanding. Just so I know what to do. But I'd also be okay for some advice on how to get his attention back without hurting our relationship.
If he's that way, I'm sorry and it'll hurt a lot, but yu're better off that way. NOONE gets to treat you that way. And I think the reason he's this way is to some extent because you allow him to. He takes you for granted, but, it's NOT the question of unsupportiveness here. It's the question of not being comfortable around each other. And what you're asking is hardly anything demanding. You just want some of his time. You WOULD be demanding if you asked him to work all odd hours to meet with your needs. Which you so AREN'T doing. So you nedn't worry babe, you ain't the problem. HE is. And you'll find someone better. Cos much as I bad-mouth guys, ( MY SINCERE APOLOGIES TO ALL OF THE MALE SEX ESP. ON WF) I've realised, the majority ain't that bad, it's just the few we happen to come across which makes them all seem so bad. Anyways hope you find solutions too. Luv and Hugs.
Sorry to say this but he seems much too controlling for a safe relationship. Getting angry over a game what does that tell you he would be like if you got a job and the boss really liked your work and had you working overtime? Or you started doing something to keep from being bored and took you out of the house or at least out of his environment. My mother never did anything better than my father because he would throw a temper tantrum that could last for weeks. Makes for a very uncomfortable life style not only for the partner but for children who can't understand what is going on. Get him to seek councelling although I don't believe in it some find it helps. But put some distance or start doing things without him and see if the anger escalates. Won't know until you try and it may put things straight in your head. good luck.
Him being seriously angry when he loses a game is a red flag, nena. Also, in a good relationship, both partners have to compromise their own needs. But I do have a different perspective than Neha or Lessa. I am not sure there is necessarily someone at fault here, or that he has to be demonized to give you good advice. It may be that you and he simply have different relationship needs in terms of attention. Maybe you are two good people who care about each other but really are not compatible because of needs so different or ingrained that compromise is not a viable option. If this is true, you should move on, without blame or regret. If you find a shirt you really like, but the sleeves are so tight that it hurts to wear, and you cannot alter it without destroying it, it is time to go shopping for another shirt. You shouldn't feel bad about how you are feeling, because your being desirous of more time with him is probably closer to more people's understanding of how much time should be devoted to your partner in a relationship than his is.
alanmt I was not meaning to demonize him. I was saying that someone that needs to win that badly needs to change his attitude. I know many controlling people and I know many people who like to be controlled. I stand by what I said about stepping back and taking a look at what is happening and doing something to see if the attitude of control is there and going to be a big part in the relationship. If it is can she live with that? Marriage is all about compromise but both people have to be willing to compromise or it is a one sided marriage and they usually do not last long.
In short h might as well marry his career, if that's how he plans to go on with his life and treating Nena.
It may be time to sit him down for a talk. You need him to understand how his behavior makes you feel, and you need to see whether your feelings in this matter are important to him. I'm not talking emotional blackmail. I'm talking about taking half an hour for communicating. I recommend giving him a heads up, though. Tell him you need half an hour of undivided time; don't demand it RIGHT NOW, but don't let it get put off three days either. I too am concerned about his poor sportsmanship - that , to me, is a huge flag. Not even red, but international safety orange. Don't take this the wrong way, but it would be far better to find out if there is an organic problem in your relationship BEFORE you are married than after! Right now, if communication between you is as broken as it sounds, there really isn't much you could do to hurt your relationship through speaking out.
It's not specifically that he's controlling. It's that he has really low self-esteem. And when I talk to him about all the stuff he says or does he always tells me that's what his problem is and that he knows he needs to be better. He doesn't like to be one-upped because it makes him feel embarrassed and he immerses himself in projects because it makes him feel accomplished. So, the main thing has just been me getting him to see that he's doing all this at my expense. We've had arguments over the past few weeks where I've broken down and told him I need his attention and that I'm lonely and that me not having anything to do while he does his projects is making me feel a little worthless; a little boring. And he's told me that I need to go out and see a counselor. And for a while, I thought about doing it. But then I thought...why would I go to a shrink if I already know what would make me feel better? My fiancee has had loads to deal with. Coming from a family that's been very strict with him, he is still overcoming an obsession with working out and I'm trying to help him stop obsessing over what and how much he eats (he has a habit of rationing his food). His relatives on his father's side have also been harassing us about money to help his dad (his parents are divorced) that we can't afford to give out right now because we're getting ready to move. His father suffers from brain trauma and is getting worse, but his disability is on appeal in court and my fiancee and I can't afford to drop everything and go to him because we don't have much money and we're not quite done with college yet. He gets panicky over these things and over the years I've helped him decrease his dependency on working out, I've torn nasty letters that arrived for him in the mail from his manipulative relatives, and I've gotten him to eat more. He's a little like his dad in that he allows his low self-esteem to get the better of him..only his dad was violent whereas my fiancee just gets broody and annoyed. Leaving him is not an option for me. I know that's the popular suggestion, but even though there are some rought spots, there are some good times and I know that over the course of time that I have known him...he has made an effort to improve for me. And that's how I know he loves me. We had a conversation a while ago after an incident in which he let his relatives get to him and he wouldn't let me comfort him. He was pushing me away. I told him I needed some time away and that I want to talk to him later - a long talk, as per Cogito suggestion. I thought up what possible solution I could give him that would convey what I'm feeling, which is rejected. Then I calmly said that I'd give him all the freedom he wanted if it would only make him happy. If he wanted to go and take care of his father, fine. If he wanted to immerse himself in nothing but work, fine. I would be happy for him and I would support him. But I wouldn't be with him. I told him I'd let him have a trial run in doing things without me around. He could go to Florida and I could stay with my parents for six months here in Texas. I'd visit him still. And if he decided that in the end he needs more space or he needs to go be with his dad, fine. Or if he wants me, then that's fine, too. I didn't want to pressure him into a "it's all that or me" but...when it comes down to it...what else would it ever be? I didn't try to be hostile. I tried to be comforting, like I was offering up an idea. My fiancee and I have known each other since we were 12. And we've been through a lot already. We've already spend time apart...he left when we were eighteen for Hawaii to do a dolphin training internship and didn't return until two years later. We both remember how much that hurt. So when I said all that I did...his eyes went wide and it was like for the first time he actually saw and understood how I was feeling. He grabbed me and held me and said "sorry" so many times. He said he couldn't believe he'd pushed me into resigning myself that way and he told me he'd change. He told me he'd do everything to change and that he couldn't bear the thought of leaving for Florida without me. And that he was sorry for letting his relatives get to him. The thing is...there's been several instances in which he's gotten down on his knees to apologize to me. I know I'd be a fool to most people to say, "Ok, let's give this another go." But I expect him to stumble. It only hurts when he doesn't do the same for me...but I appreciate that he IS willing to say he's sorry when I am hurt and he is willing to try and make things up to me. Today he woke me up with a pot of tea roses in my favorite shade: purple. And he's taking me out to dinner tomorrow and he's paying for me to get voice lessons. He said he was being stupid when he said he couldn't afford to take me out. And he said he was stupid for the way he acted about the game. He knows he should be better about that sort of thing and that he'll try to be more gracious. The game thing, though, doesn't bother me as much when I heard, from his sister, how abusive their dad was when they were in competitve swimming. If he or his sister didn't do well, he threatened them or ignored them. So, I guess, his competitiveness is very fear-driven. I know he needs counseling...and I tried to look into that today, too. However, that's not something that's in our budget since we don't have insurance. =\ I appreciate all the advice. It really helped me to stop blaming myself and get more of a back-bone. I do think some of the things said were spot on: His need for attention is quite different than mine - however, it never used to be that way. So I think his distancing himself has something to do with recent event either regarding his family (the stress of it once caused him to pass out at work), or something else. Me doing things separate from him doesn't anger him. He doesn't like me spending time with males, but I don't have any male friends around anyway. And he's fine with me doing better than him if it's not the same job. He doesn't like it when we're at dinner parties and people are asking animal questions and I answer them all. That is another thing we'll have to work on. I will say this for the record - we're going to find a compromise before we get married. I have faith in him because he has already come so far. Thanks so much for all the support and advice. Talking it out with him and putting things in perspective for him from my point-of-view, have been fairly successful. Because when it comes down to it for him...he is determined to work things out. And I've always been willing to help him. Thanks again everyone.
I do wish you the best. Check with your local hospital and see if they have any counselling programs that can offer a limited number of sessions at no cost or for a token fee. It does sound liek counselling would help. And maybe if it were a couples session, he would attend it with you. The counsellor could decided from there whether joint or separate sessions would be more beneficial. You came here to ask complete strangers for help. That says to me that you are at wit's end, and that this won't get better by itself.
I know we pay a heck of a lot more in taxes than the states but we see specialists when we want who we want and pretty much where we want. Dietitians in every town, counsellors on request. Call the health unit and book an appt. for a week later. Seems a shame not to be able to seek help when you need it because of money issues. I know of people who have someone through church or religion that they can talk to. The hospitals would also be a place you could maybe get referred to someone. From your last post you seem to be doing everything possible including loving him without unduly putting yourself down. Good that you are looking into ways to improve your life together and are able to talk to him even if it is just to get things off your chest. Leaving is always the last option. Until then there is compromise and hope.
Hm, I don't really know anyone here but whatever... There's this girl(obviously or I wouldn't be here), I like her and she likes me(again, kinda stating the obvious here), and ordinarily I would ask her out but she's my Grandmother's Friends Daughter so yeah, would that be a bit weird? Actually no, this is my family of course it'd be weird but do you think it would be too weird to you know, date her.
...uh, no, why? She's not related to you by blood so what are you worried about? Or unless she's older than you, but then again unless it's a huge age difference (and even then) what does it matter? You wanna go out with her and you know she wants to go out with you then I say go right ahead.
Life is too short to deny yourself the finer things. Go for it and don't look back, especially if she's a saucy seniorita who likes you.
Loads of people say the best way to start talking to a girl is to just go and say "hello". I think thats utter bull****. Won't the girl just think you're some weird, strange, creep for suddenly coming and saying hello to a random stranger?
I's a girl and I always answer to a hi, hello, how are you. Smile when you say it and why wouldn't she think what a nice smile and answer back. Most people of either sex return smiles and hello's. It has worked for many years for me and many other people. Nothing wrong with asking someone for a date who is a friend of the family. For starters you have something in common.
Finalconflict Friends of family is NOT family, however close it might be, so it's not like incest or something. So why not go ahead with it? Para_noir Um, actually I'd defer to Lessa's opinion, if a stranger, a guy that is, came up to me, and unless i'd been told he'd be meeting me up, I'd be like...what?? to his hi. And I' certainly would NOT be very, rather any eager to have a chat beyond, what d'you want with him.
