What are your thoughts on potentially liking a good friend? Especially if there is an age difference?
Having a friend, especially a good friend, makes any relationship better, it means that there is already a certain amount of chemistry there (not a bad thing), and you have a certain amount of empathy and understanding of the other person. As to the age difference, the only thing I will say about that is this, my wife (71) and I (50) started out as friends, we have been married for 20 yrs, and I am looking forward to atleast another 20 yrs. Age is just numbers, what really matters is what is in the heart, and the ability and willingness to communicate in an open and honest way.
Personally I think the best way to start off a great romantic relationship is as friends. Although none of my previous relationships have lasted (and unfortuntely the friendships too were severed after messy breakups), I think it's the foundation to a great partnership because while physical attributes might be important, they're secondary to how you feel around that person. Age differences dont mean sh/t. Maturity does. It's why a 13 and an 18 year old might not make it too far, but a 35 and 40 year old would probably be just fine. Being in similar points in your lives helps a relationship grow because you can understand, sympathize with, and support each other. Dont let age deter you. But if he's at a different point in his life than you are, then maybe it's better just to dream or flirt. xx My own love affairs... Well, I finally admitted to myself and to a good friend of mine why I've been having a rough time since the end of my last awful, 'real' relationship almost two years ago. Oftentimes I feel like if a guy is deluded enough to like me, then he either must be desperate or stupid --neither are attractive qualities in a person, so I wind up distancing myself from him. Similarly, I think I buffer myself from situations like these by perhaps subconciously finding myself interested in guys who are either taken or not into females. There's a guy who's very, very interested in me right now, but I dont know what to do about it. Apparently he felt some connection right away but I felt ill at ease from the very first meeting. He was all over me at a party I was at and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable and, dare I say, a little creeped out. I tried to put distance between us the whole night (and even asked a friend to help me out; what a load of help she was ) but he kept following me around like a little puppy. I cant decipher my feelings. Things have happened in my life which I think give me every right to feel uncomfortable and anxious around all people, not just guys. But I guess the hard part for me is figuring out if this guy really is a creeper and I should stay away, or if this is just some nasty mixture of my low self esteem and naturally guarded demeanor around people who get too close too fast and maybe I should give him a chance anyway. Every fiber of my body is telling me to stay away, and I think I should because I didnt even like him, but I wonder if maybe my "guy picker" is broken and maybe I should just fight my natural instincts. /sigh
Taking a good friendship to another level can really be a double-edged sword in a way... It can be great in the sense that you already know you get along well and can potentially lead to a great relationship. The trouble comes from if it doesn't work out and you end it. Now it can be awkward as you share friends and probably will see this other person on a somewhat regular basis (depending on mutual friendships and the like) or be forced to give up on friendships. I always like to say that its not the age that matters, but the life stage. Hence, why a five year difference makes a huge difference in teenagers, but not as much in your thirties. You can call it as 'maturity,' but when one person is a single parent and the other is not, those five years might make a huge difference again, even if both people are in their thirties (one early and the other late). That doesn't make the parent any more mature than the other, but just in a different life stage. Merc, I wouldn't push your instincts aside. Even with low self esteem issues, a nice guy wouldn't make you feel so incredibly uncomfortable. At least not to the point where you just want to get away as far away from him as you can. Trying to force myself against my instincts has always turned out for the worst for me, though. Still I wouldn't recommend you to force yourself with that one.
In regards to the liking a friend question, I would have to agree that friendship is a good basis for a relationship. Also, unless this dude is like eighty, I wouldn't be terribly concerned about the age difference, as long as one of you isn't vastly more mature or at a completely different stage of life than the other. Merc, I agree with Annuniel that you shouldn't just ignore your instincts. It sounds crazy, but back before I met Joel, I would start hanging out with/dating a guy, and after spending a little bit of time with them, I would start getting sick to my stomach just thinking about them. I thought I was flipping insane, or that it was just my way of finding an excuse to push guys away because I was afraid to commit, but then I met Joel, and I kept waiting for that feeling to come, and it never did...sometimes our instincts can cut through all the craziness and emotions and whatnot and tell us what our brains and hearts can't figure out.
yellowm&M: What I look for in a friends is them behaving like a friend, and all my life I had friends who been up to 40 years older then me. I think you seldom are looking for a certain quality in a friend, but rather someone that is ready to take on the role of friends. Someone who takes the time to enjoy what you have in common as well as enjoying you differences, Someone willing to listen, and is willing to share. Someone willing to find the sort of friendship that fits the two of you. Mercurial: There can be loads of reason for that gut feeling. You might not be ready yet, you might been hurt before and scared, he might be complete prick,,, In the end it doesnt matter. Relax. Accept that you just don't feel like it right now. Either the feeling will pass at some pointa nd you can start chasing him, or you just be relived at you decided that you didn't want that relationship for some reason.
Go with your instincts, Merc. He sounds like a total creep, and men who come on that strong immediately are just looking for one thing. Either that or he's looking for an easy girlfriend. Neither of these are what you need/want, you know that, so just forget him I'd say.
Yeah, Merc, I agree with Ashleigh. If he creeps you out, then stay away. No one can frown on you for that, and if someone genuinely liked you, then he would be mindful to respect your limits.
Thanks, everyone, for your advice. I texted him last night before I wrote my original post and said that I'm super busy this week and weekend (which is both a convenient excuse and also the truth --I am pressed for time; I'm currently taking a quick break before returning to biology and chemistry coursework as I sit on the floor with House reruns playing in the background wearing my medical research tee shirt), but that maybe a little later in the month I might have a bit more free time. I just hope by that point he'll have forgotten about or given up on me. I feel doubtful of that chance though. At least I've been able to buy a bit of time. I guess I'm just mixed up because, while I guess the unanimous vote on this guy is that he doesnt sound like a very classy person, I feel like my instincts have been significantly skewed to the point where I feel inclined to avoid anyone who might actually be a decent person in addition to avoiding people who are bad choices. So I just end up avoiding everyone. I wish I were asexual; life would be sooo much easier. In the end maybe none of it matters. I'm not interested in being interested in anyone right now anyway, because for the first time in a long time I'm happy with my life just the way it is. I guess I'll just keep putting everything off until then...
Well, you con get asexual on some brands of birth control pills (its individual how you react soy you might have to try a few). I was asexual for a year on a brand called Yasmine, which I was one due to major problems with cramps. It was en interesting experience that I'm glad I went had. Like totally stepping of the whole sexual board, and getting a fresh view on sexuality and all. Being totally focused on creative stuff.
Yes: I can see where that would have a profound impact on the birth process!!. Try to avoid any birth control containing Bonobo Hormones!!. One of the greater side effects is--Can cause Poly-sexuality!!. Last year --before ADA suspension--there were several cases reported, of Women going outside to investigate a "Noise in the night", and six weeks later bearing a litter of Raccoons!!.
*sigh* I've been debating posting this for a little while. I feel like a teenager again. Bleh. Long story short, I was in a "half-relationship" with a guy for a while. We weren't truly together, but there was a clear mutual attraction between us. I think I loved the guy but this past summer, it turned very cold and now we barely talk. But it doesn't mean I've really been able to fully put him behind me, which helps lead into my current predicament. Since quitting my job, I've had a lot more time to spend with friends. And through mutual friends, I met this guy. This guy is pretty cute, but very shy. Probably helped he was as I didn't want to rush or feel pressured into anything just yet. Still we've gone on a few dates over the past couple months and hang out with friends and the like. It's nothing serious and things are moving slowly but I don't want much more than that. I'm worried about a rebound relationship mostly. Was content to leave it as it was until... Another guy shows up out of the blue. This guy has been a friend for many years. We've both dated other people and maintained friendship. I consider him a good friend and he's a great guy. He has a bad tendency to date some not-so-nice girls. And as much as I want him to find a great girl, I don't want it to be me. I didn't even recognize him asking me out on a date at first. I was a bit uncomfortable the whole night... *sigh* I know what I have to do, but I hate how guy#2 is a nice guy and I don't want to hurt him. I also still want to be friends! Blargh... I don't need this extra stress right now. As much as I hate it when creeps and jerks try to hit on me, I much prefer that to this... At least I don't feel guilty about turning them down, giving cold shoulders, etc. -___-
Super-Heartbreaker Girl to the rescue! Well. At least I have been in similar situations far to often. You already know what to do so I just murmur in agreement. For me it really help sticking to the truth that I feel what I feel, want what I want. I might be willing to explore these feeling but it would be wrong for me to try to force them into what feeling that what is expected or what somebody else would wish. It's okay for you to only want a slow dating at the moment, and it okay for you not to want to date the second guy, Their feelings and wishes is okay to, but the second guys feelings is not compatible with yours at the moment. The only way in my experience to handle rejecting someone in a way that feels fair is to talk to them. Non verbal forms of rejections can be interpreted in so many ways, and people more often come up with weird theories for the reason behind the rejection.
I get the semi-relationship thingy. I am in one right now, but J(lets just call him that, though it's pretty obvious who he is on fb ) and me are keeping it slow(and hidden) because we have major exams come March. And I would *shudder* be real broken if something like that happened to us. As for the second guy, I'm pretty much an outsider in your relationship with him from that point of view I would say you are "friends" with him with the potential of it going somewhere IF you want it to. BUT, you might want to make your mind up soon. And the third guy situation is something I understand. I've had "good friends" like that in the past. Somehow they always tend to disappear when I explain to them that I'm in the midst of working things out with an ex(not true, but a standard excuse). And YOU have a valid excuse! Maybe try explaining to him about the second guy? As for the problem of his about always going out with not-so-nice girls? That's for him to figure out. The most you can do is set him up with a nice girl you know. Recent events in my life have taught me it's best not to get involved in your friends relationships. Anyways, not much of an advice I know. Hope things works out for the best for you though . And it sounds all smug and wrong, but it's true: Whatever happens, happens for the best .
Man, definitely a tough situation. Truthfully, though, you're probably better off being honest with him now than trying to handle the situation in any other way. Clearing things up now before they have a chance to go any further will be better for the friendship than if you wait.
Thanks everyone. It's not an easy situation, but it's not my first time either. It's definitely not fun. I know I need to come forth and talk to him about it, but I don't think guy#2 is going to make it easy. He's being rather vague about the whole thing, hence why I didn't see it as a date originally. He invited me to "hang out" and spent most the night stumbling over words so he wouldn't slip up and call it a date. I'm a don't-beat-around-the-bush, straight-forward kinda girl, but it's still hard to tell him I'm not interested in dating him when he refuses to openly acknowledge that it is one!
Yeah, I see a lot of drama with the people I know between their boyfriends and girlfriends. Sometimes makes me wonder why I'm so eager to get a girlfriend. Then again, I've seen dozens of friends happily married over the last three years, so there's that too. Some of us haven't even found mutual attraction, which I suppose simply demonstrates the fascinating differences in how attraction works for each of us. Though I admit that I am curious what a stage of asexuality would feel like. I wouldn't take birth control pills to find out.
I've been on birth control pills since I was 12, for health reasons to do with bad periods. (No, I wasn't some sort of mini-ho) and I've never felt Asexual. Sadly, I'm actually most sexually driven when I'm on my period, which is just annoying as hell.
Ok, so I've been on two dates with this girl and we had a really good time. She texts me all the time with random stuff just to have a conversation. But, at school she completely ignores me in the hallway and makes no effort to talk with me at all. Plus I saw her talking with a guy she went to a dance with a month ago. So, I am thoroughly confused. Does she really like me or is she just messing with my head?
For me that fact that she completely ignores you in school is a major red flag. Not knowing you or the girl I can't say exactly whats going on but what it looks like to me is that either she is messing with you or for some reason she doesn't want people to know she is associated with you. A similar type thing happened to my friend where the girl didn't want anyone to know about them and flipped out when people found out. If that's the case i would forget about her. Like I said, I don't know either of you so I don't know if she's like that or not and I'm not trying to judge or make anyone out to be a bad person-but from the situation that you've described thats what it seems like. At the very least I would take this as a warning sign and confront her about it. It's better to find out if theres something weird going on now than to find it out later when it could be much more painful.
