Yeah thanks for the advice, very helpful. I tend to not get defensive externally to them, even though normally I'm really mean. Because they're his family, I try and be as pleasant as possible. I do know that the vegetarian comment was an attack on me, and she later apologised to my boyfriend about it - but not to me. To be honest, I'm very vulnerable to his family because my high school boyfriend's mother kicked him out of home for being with me, and spread nasty rumours all around the community (such as he was only with me because I was pregnant, which I wasn't). To this day noone knows why she hated me. So I'll be the first to admit that I am vulnerable to his family. I have tried talking to his Mum about it, but her response was "well, you are young", so I decided that was a dead end. My boyfriend knows how I feel but I've also made it clear that it's important for him to have a good relationship with his family, no matter how they make me feel. They are his family, and they are a part of the package. Even if I don't love them, I do love him, so I gotta suck it up, right? I guess I'm just hurt. I would really like them to like me. It would mean a lot to me. My family ADORE him. But oh well, you can't get everything you want in this world.
Some good advice from Trish. I'd like to add a few things if you don't mind. Is his family having an effect on your emotional dynamic with him? When you bring up these issues with him, how does he respond? Do you feel that they are coming between you, or that you are in risk of losing him? Do you feel that you need to work harder to hold onto him? If any of this is the case, or if it becomes the case, then you might benefit from being comfortable with some healthy distance -- from him and from his family. Not to say that you should stop seeing him altogether, but being comfortable with brief periods of separation from him will reaffirm your confidence and independence, and perhaps remind him that he has something worth holding on to. Don't play games with him -- that's not what I'm suggesting. But instead of pressuring him or complaining to him about his family, consider the possibility that if his family is this hard for you to handle, they might be causing him some grief as well. Take a little bit of breathing room and it could work wonders for both of you. Another thing that can help in these stressful situations is something called no-fault communication. When you talk to your boyfriend (or his family), try not to phrase things in an accusatory or blaming way. Discuss things in terms of the situation, and not in terms of who is at fault. This is especially important with your boyfriend. Blame the situation and not each other for pressures that may arise from this. When it is clear to you and your boyfriend that the situation is to blame, and when you have both taken time to empathize with each other, ask yourself if you are perceiving an emotional imbalance in the relationship. If you do, you may need to negotiate a balance by making long- and short-term plans to circumvent the stresses that his family adds to the relationship.
He's wonderful about it. I don't bring it up often, and I honestly don't think it has come between us. Like I said, he knows how I feel but we don't discuss it much. It's not a communication problem as such, we just live in a different city and it doesn't come up that much. I know he'd rather they respect us more, but it doesn't worry him like it does me, because to him it doesn't matter unless we're around them. We have talked about his sister's wedding, and he's quite adamant about sticking up for me on that one, which worries me because I do not want to cause any family drama! Especially when an angry bride may be involved! If it does bring up barriers between us, I will definitely consider your advice, but honestly it doesn't seem to be causing problems at the moment. By the way, you guys are absolutely awesome! Seriously, for total strangers you are marvelously insightful and compassionate. So thanks!
Glad he's great about it. That helps a lot. Honestly, what worked eventually with my daughters grandmother was a sit down where I said "Listen, you hate me, I very strongly dislike you. How about we just deal with that and keep everyone else it out of it? You're making my life hell and I find myself actively making your life hell and I'm sick of the BS." We still hate each other, it's no secret. But the drama has decreased significantly and when she comes to see the kids she calls first (finally!) and she's stopped bad mouthing me to everyone in the world. (I wouldn't necessarily suggest this approach for everyone, lol).
Damn I have no idea what to do about this and honestly need a girls opinion on this... Basically a few nights ago I went out with some friends and met an girl through them. So yeh was really happy about that and we got along really well. Ended up partying till like 4am then she came home with me we chatted etc. Anyway she ended up staying the night...nothing happend really...just slept in the same bed (spooning/holidng hands) Was quite happy about that. Now I have no idea what to do since last night she ended up staying the night with one of my housemates. I have no idea if they did anything or not. Stupid thing is I kinda like this girl Just to say this but I live with 6 other people and the guy she stayed with knew she stayed with me before... Sorry if thats alot of writing or if it's slightly inappropriate...but I'm terrible with this kind of thing or girls in general I have no idea what to do about this...
Maybe I'm just a huge prudish bitch, but if you met this chick and spent the night with her (regardless of whether you made the beast with two backs or not) and then she turned around and did the same thing with another dude, my advice would be to not waste your time. You can do better, homie.
Dude, I'm right there with you. I was always the same way, and it really sucks when you decide you dig someone and then find out they're not as cool as you thought they were. In the end, though, it's probably better that you figured out that she was lame before you expended much energy.
Ok, knowing that you live in different cities, I have another suggestion. When you do see him, focus on having a relationship without his family involved. Plan time with him when they won't get in your face or have an opportunity to judge you. Minimize their presence when you can, and over time they may learn to accept you as a part of his life.
Not a girl's opinion here, but might give you some insight anyway. She trusted you enough to sleep in the same bed as you and to "spoon/hold hands" with you. There's every chance she would have done more than that if you had taken the lead. As it stands, she might not see it as a problem to sleep with one of your housemates -- you spent the whole night in the same bed with her and didn't make a move on her. (I'm assuming this because if you had, you would have mentioned the outcome.) The situation you're describing sounds like a bunch of young male students living together. For a lot of young girls in this sort of situation, crashing in a guy's bed doesn't automatically imply a commitment. It also doesn't make her a slut -- especially if you were "partying until 4 am." If she was attracted to your housemate, it could make perfect sense to her that it wouldn't bother you. After all, you had her in your bed all night and didn't do anything that couldn't be seen as "just friends." If it looks like she's getting along with your housemate, then it doesn't do to dwell on her. There are other girls out there. But for one thing, you can't blame your housemate if he decided to take advantage of a situation that you didn't. What's more, don't decide that her behaviour is slutty or insensitive just because it helps you to cope with becoming attached to her. If you do that, then you could get into a pattern of calling girls sluts for being sexual, and that's just not cool. Try to just be cool with it all if see her again. Don't freak out or even mention it. Play things by ear, and whatever you do, don't go around thinking that she was a slut. The next time you form an emotional connection with a girl and she ends up staying the night in the same bed as you, don't hesitate to push things a little bit further physically if that's what you want. She has the option to say no -- but I'd say at that point, odds are in your favour that she won't. Just my perspective. Take it for what it's worth.
I just want to say that I am VERY impressed, SW. VERY. Nice job Also, to add to SW's comment, even if you don't want to take it further (it's okay to go slow), don't be afraid to tell her you like her in that situation. It's possible she just thought you weren't interested. Most women are used to be mauled like a salmon in grizzly country. She may have figured it was better to move on because YOU weren't interested.......
That can be charming Nerves from a guy are the sweetest thing and it's nice to know a guy likes you enough to be nervous. Don't let that scare you off. Just tell her you like her next time, you don't have to jump her bones, lol
^^ Haha, thanks Trish. You're not alone. A lot of guys have the same difficulty. It's like stage fright. Trish brings up a good point that you could simply have told her you're interested. Some girls will find that sweet. On the other hand, having some level of confidence in your sexuality is attractive. Be comfortable touching her in a friendly way before you get her into bed, and you'll find it's easier to "make a move." Making a move really means kissing her, and that can happen long before you end up in the same bed. After you kiss a girl things become more natural and all that worry turns into excitement. When the two of you are alone and connecting with each other, don't be afraid to touch her more intimately. Believe it or not there are a whole lot of charts and methods out there to teach guys how to get over the problem of "making a move." Kind of weird, but some of them are proven effective. If you're interested, message me and I can point you in the right direction. Anyway, the real answer is just to get a feel for it, and be a bit daring once in a while when the time seems opportune. You only live once after all.
Daydream, I feel ya. I am still aching over this guy I met a while back who was very clear with me that he was interested, and it was a mistake on my end that make it screech to a halt... which sucks all the more because you just wanna yell, "Hey, no, I take it back! Let me try that again!" and of course they've decided to move on... Sigh. But I think Sidewinder said it really well. Let time pass and move on to someone better; apparently this one wasn't meant to be. Trish said it well too... I think you and I both need to learn to be more obvious with our feelings with these people and just say, "Hey, buddy, I suck at this / prefer taking things slow, and I want to say that I really like you and think you're gorgeous, just fyi." I can only imagine how much it sucks for guys who have difficult making the first move though, since it's usually in their court. Nerves can be cute though, if expressed appropriately, so I guess just be honest the best you can. Good luck with this girl / next girl!
That sucks, Merc I'm sorry. On the nerves thing, I love when a guy is awkward and nervous, lol. It's like my most favorite thing ever I'm a total sucker for it. I don't understand how any woman wouldn't just melt in the face of male awkwardness? I'm a fairly confident and flirty female when I'm around someone I like though, so maybe it's a role reversal thing. I'm admittedly slightly unbalanced, so that could just be me? Heh.
Thanks for the amazing advice Mercurial and Trish! Helps alot And yeh wish the awkwardness thing would work! If it did I would be the new Casanova...haha.. Now that I think of it most of my girlfriends did make that first move which worked out for me ><
When you guys told me to pursue other romantic interests, I thought that'd be difficult. Turns out, it wasn't XD. This guy (let's call him "Robert") was a good friend of mine since the beginning of the school year. Robert's always been there for me, joking around with me, giving me a shoulder to lean on, etc. He warned me about the guy I liked at the time (his "frenemy") and turned out to be correct. While his frenemy (let's call him "Zeke") was blissfully unaware of how I felt most of the time, Robert always noticed when I was sad. He'd always compliment me and reprimand Zeke when he hurt my feelings. He was the only one who hugged me when I was near-tears because of my lost graphing calculator, which was a big deal, 'cause he's not really the touchy-feely type at all. Unfortunately, he likes someone else as well -___-. My friends encourage me not to give up this time, since they think it's obvious he cares for me (at least as a really good friend) more than other guys. and the girl he likes is in a relationship anyway, so it might fizzle out eventually. Thoughts?
Whatever you do, don't go into courtship mode. Expect him to make some effort and express his interest first. We value things that we have to work for, and if he starts to notice that you're interested before he expresses interest in you, you'll be seen as less of a challenge. Be open and warm, but don't chase.
I'm sorry but don't you think that's a bit archaic? She can't let him know she's interested? Do you have ANY idea how many men will just quietly sit there and think about the woman of their dreams and never say a word? Because they just don't have the guts? Somebody has to be willing to accept rejection. If she is, she should go for it. It's absurd to tell a woman she shouldn't show any interest and she should just sit on her hands and wait! I don't think so! She should do whatever she's comfortable with as long as she understands that rejection hurts, no matter who the hell started it. [/rant] EDIT: (apparently NOT done ranting) I am aware that you're working on a book telling men how to find their balls and all that, but odds are he hasn't read that since it's not even out yet and he's probably not on this forum either to read one of your If you need help being more assertive pm me posts. (now I'm done) (Further edit: you really hit a nerve, man, sorry) You value things you work for? Are you SERIOUS? What are you TALKING about? So what are we supposed to do, look in the mirror and decide if we most resemble a car or a house? Maybe a job. Yeah that's it. We're a job. I hope that's not how your book goes, cause relationships should be partnerships, give and take, learning and teaching, caring for and being taken care of, talking and listening. If you don't get that... Games are just that. Games. Nothing. Pointless. Childish. Now I really am done cause I'm going to try really hard not to come back to this thread for a while.
Phew Trish I felt the heat coming of that post xD I do agree that men like the rush of chasing someone. I even know guys who like chasing girls in a relationship just because they want a challenge. I do agree with you on the rest of your post though! I'm definitely not an expert or really any good with girls, but If you like this guy I would DEFINITLEY tell him. Like Trish said there are so many guys who will day dream about their dream girl (including me ...) and never say a word. You have to tell this guy...and by the sounds of it he's interested in you. Atleast It would seem so, unless he's just being a tease and that would just be retarded :S So ye tell him, worst case scenario is he rejects you or is flattered. Do it before its to late trust me...I've been in this position 1000000000000 times xD
Haha -- woah! I think you misunderstood what I was suggesting. Admittedly my book is geared towards men, but in this case, the same basic principle applies. Chasing is bad. Sometimes being forward can be a good thing if someone is in the right place, but I was responding to the fact that J said Robert is interested in another girl. Think about it this way -- what if you were interested in option A and still thought there was a chance, then option B came along saying, "hey -- if option A doesn't work out, I'm here for ya." Even if you were initially attracted to B, suddenly he would appear a lot less attractive as a backup plan. That's just basic psychology. I agree that games are not the way to go. Sometimes it's easy to think of controlling our behaviour as "playing games" but nothing could be further from the truth I base a lot of the dating and relationship advice I dish out on a book called "The Passion Trap" by Dean C Delis. I'd put this in my top 5 favourite books of all time. He talks about how the more you perceive that you can control somebody's emotions the less attracted them you become. This isn't archaic. It's just a fact of biology. A healthy level of emotional investment signals availability, but we DO value what we have to work for, whether that's a car, a house, a job, or a romantic partner. Yes, relationships should be partnerships but part of that is paying attention to the dynamics of a given situation and making the best of it. J -- Trish is right that you should do what you're comfortable with, but if you saw some signs of attraction before (and it sounds like you did) I would suggest that going into courtship mode while he's interested in someone else might kill that attraction. I would give the same advice if you were a guy.
