Honestly, I have no idea how to fix anxiousness in meeting people in general. I have the same problem, but I've heard that forcing yourself into that uncomfortable situation over and over again helps. I haven't made a new friend (minus friends online) in 6 years. I've been moving all over the place, and I'm extremely shy when I first meet people. My husband (Sidewinder) and I met on this site, so the internet is the only reason I'm married now. haha. As for people judging you, they probably aren't as much as you think they are.
I know what you mean in terms of anxiety. I get so anxious meeting anyone, even people I know, because I'm thinking about how much they're judging and laughing at me, and how I'm not good enough and how they can't like me. I don't really have that much advice because I struggle with it myself. Like Bayswriter has said though, keep meeting people. Try not to shy away from the outside world and become a hermit (like me aha). And also, work on changing your thoughts in regard to how everyone is judging you because they're probably not as much as you think. I don't know the extent of your anxieties but maybe joining an anxiety forum will help (the one I'm on has region meets and such - this might help you become more confident dealing with people in general). I have and it's helped me, even just to reassure me I'm not alone in what I experience. But I'm a complete hypocrite advising you this because I don't follow my own advice!
How do I introduce my boyfriend to my parents, when I know they'll hate him? I feel I can't win this. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months, and my parents don't know he exists. He's a little older than me and is a different race. I know my parents would love him if they'd give him a chance, but the first things they'll see are his age and race, and they'll write him off. I feel stuck. At this point, not informing my parents feels intentionally dishonest and disrespectful to my boyfriend. However, my parents have issued ultimatums before with other boyfriends --dump him, or we wont pay tuition. I'm serious. :/ I'm just shy of 21, but my parents can still puppeteer my life by threatening with money. There's nothing wrong with my guy, by the way. He has his degrees and a steady job; he's funny and talented and well spoken. Except that he's what I want, and not what they want. Do I keep up the secrecy for another 18 months? I'll be on my own completely in December of 2013. Or do I try introductions at the risk of losing my parents financial contribution and putting strain on my relationship --for the sake of "feeling right?" For the record, I have spoken to my cousin about this, who knows my parents very well, and she thinks I should keep quiet until I'm independent... I guess I'm just looking for other opinions too.
Parent questions are like this: "What race = What about our legacy" - It is not exactly pleasing to hear that their darling daughter is going to go against 'tradition' and marry outside the 'ethnicity'. Its not even about race so much as fear of differences in bloodline and offspring. Just because society looks down on grandparents taking out a different race kid with them, or even the implications of being seen disciplining a child of a different race, even if they are directly related. Then again I've heard stories about father's being questioned by the police for having their daughter shop with them... guess where and its not even about race on this one. Age difference is a major one. The bigger the gap, the more concerning. It could be about relating to life events, but a decade or two is usually major, if not for the whole creepiness factor. 50 year olds dating 20 year olds is not so much about love as it is sex, or other issues related to psychological matters. 20 and 23, not so much. 20 and 30, out there for most. Education is different as well, but sounds like it could be level, the 'college degree' thing matters only against the 'high school drop out' and having a job is kind of a requirement versus 'leech'. If you are so worried about first impressions, why not introduce him a little over the phone, unless he has some telling accent that completely gives it away? People need to make their own decisions in life, if this is what you want then you deserve to be heard. Though you are typically not going to get away from their approval matter, being silent won't work when the time for marriage comes, unless you plan to elope and be dismissed as a problem daughter. There is really no escaping family, good or bad, its all baggage and you have to deal with it.
What would YOU do? (Relationship Advice, Parental Issue) Hi there. Lets see, I guess I'll start this off by saying, I have been through a lot of mishaps because of this relationship I have been in for about a month now. I would lay out the entire story, but I'll make it very short and understandable. Okay: I'm 18 going on 19. The guy I'm dating is 28. He used to be married to my uncle's ex-wife. My uncle's ex-wife cheated on my uncle with the guy I'm dating. My mother's side of the family (which said Uncle is on) hates the guy I'm dating. My mother wants nothing to do with this guy. My parents hate the fact that this guy and I are 9 years apart in age. They are letting me see the guy, even though they don't approve, because I'm legally an adult. My father, however, said the only catch was that I cannot see him alone (in the guy's house) or anything like that until my father meets him. I get tired of waiting, so I start going to this guy's house anyway. I've been doing this for a few weeks now, without my father knowing. Today, while I was at the guy's house, I happen to get several phone calls from my sister and grandmother. They were looking for me. No, they had no idea where I was. They have been trying to contact me for several hours. One thing leads to another, and eventually word gets back to my father. He asks me if I had been going to this guy's house. I said yes. Now I'm on the hot seat, My dad is wondering rather or not he should take my car away, and he also made me give him my boyfriend's number. He is going to call my boyfriend and pretty much let his anger out on him. Though, he is angry with me. Not him. My father told me that he bets the guy will want nothing more to do with me when he's done with him. I was sure to warn my boyfriend. He knows whats going to happen, and he also assured me that he isn't ever going to leave me. So, now I wait to see what happens next. So, (sorry if the story ended up longer than you expected) what would YOU do in this situation? I'm asking this from two different point of views. What would you do if you were me? What would you do if you were my father/parent?
If I were you: I would end the relationship immediately. I have no problem with relationships between people of disparate ages, but this guy is a snake if he'd cheat with someone's wife. He shouldn't ever be trusted by anyone. Furthermore, if he did that, your mother's side of the family has legitimate objections. Is there any serious reason why he is worth staying with when he's hurt that much of your family. If I were them: I would not feel comfortable ordering you to not see him. But I would, of course, not allow him into the house and I'd probably take your car after this instance.
Ah, you definitely pointed out several things my parents had pointed out. As for his past, I believe in giving chances... I don't hold grudges against the past, but my parents do. But as far as hurting my family goes, I hate to sound cruel, but they aren't me. Their problems aren't mine. I do not believe in baring someone else's issues as my own. I believe in living my own life and finding out things for myself. As for the car being taken away, I don't see this as a fix'n to the issue. I will still see this guy and be with him regardless if I have transportation or not. And as for your question "is there any serious reason why he is worth staying with when he's hurt that much of my family", I want to stay with him because the past is in the past, and he is a different person. When I'm with him, he makes me happy... that's all that matters and that's what I wish everyone would see. It seems like everyone is blind to it except for me and him. But I appreciate your opinion and outlook.
If I were you I wouldn't have warned him that my father was calling him, just to see how he reacts after that. Basically what my action means is that I would have trust issues with him even though I love him. There is also the awkwardness of meeting my uncle and his ex-wife which will always make me question: Am I doing the right thing? I am only 19, am I ready to be in a relationship with so many baggage? To my parents, specially my father i would say, enough with your concerns, just let me be. This I (killbill) say because I think your father is over reacting, if I were him I would be certain this relationship is not gonna last long and let it die its natural death. From your family's point of view, relationship doesn't end with signing a piece of paper regarding your uncle and his ex-wife. People usually harbor deep feelings long after they are separated, divorced. I am sure your uncle, and even your mother, might still have bitter feelings about his ex-wife. I have seen friends becoming enemies just because one of the friends married the other's ex-wife. It's a matter of shame to your family that you would disregard your mother's and uncle's feelings and go out with him. They just couldn't believe of all people you would choose to be with him. They also want to protect you because as they say, once a cheater always a cheater. He might even be looking for some kind of sick revenge using you. Yes, people learn from their mistakes, but they don't want you to jump into something that screams 'mistake' from the onset. because of all these reasons they don't see anything positive coming out of this relationship. You didn't ask for it, but still, imo your parents should be a little bit restrain about the whole thing and you should do some serious thinking before you fully commit.
I have to wonder why a man approaching 30 is interested in a teenager, especially one that was married into that girl's family. What, besides I'm assuming good sex and the thrill of a 'forbidden relationship', do you really have in common? And I mean deeper things besides liking the same music, books or TV shows. The saying 'once a cheater, always a cheater' exists for a reason. In my experience, it's true. I've never cheated on someone, but have been cheated on, not to mention have seen it countless times with my friends. When someone cheats on someone, they lack a certain empathy. They don't care about anyone but themselves and their immediate needs. If a relationship isn't working and someone is getting tempted by someone else, end it before cheating. Cheaters don't care. Cheating never happens by accident either. I do think your parents and family are over-reacting a bit, especially calling around to find you. It's a bit controlling and from what I can see, they're only succeeding in driving you away and into his arms. They're only doing it because they love you and are worried about you, though. And how are you responding to your parents with this situation? Are you talking to them, or does everything resort to a lot of yelling, walking away saying 'whatever' and that sort of thing? I find you get treated the way you treat others. So you ignoring them and sneaking out (since I'm assuming you live with them still) screams sullen teenager with no respect for their parents. You said you've only been seeing him for about a month, yet also said you've been sneaking out for weeks to see him alone. To me that means from nearly the start you've been lying to your parents and sneaking out. And you wonder why they're so angry at you? Anger often comes from hurt and I know you're hurting your parents. I'm not going to tell you to leave this guy as I know you won't, but I think you will eventually. Or at least I hope you do before he hurts you. Usually I have no problem with age differences in people...when they're both adults. Yes you're technically an adult now, but you don't have the life experience you'll have ten years from now, not to mention at 18 your brain isn't even done developing yet (especially the impulse control part of the brain). Really dig deep within yourself to find out why you're with this guy. I know it's flattering when an older man is interested in you, trust me I know. But there is more to a relationship than good sex, especially a relationship starting off when you have to lie and deceive others to be with him.
I just typed a long response and it disappeared. UGH. The gist is below: I agree with everything that has been said here. I wonder why an 28 year old is interested in an 18 year old -- this is a big difference and not the same as the difference between 28 and 38. 18 is still very young. I look back to when I was 18 and wonder what the heck I was thinking on some things. There's even a huge difference between 18 and 22. You need to take this relationship very s-l-o-w-l-y. If you two are really right for each other, the relationship will develop over time and you can decide that the relationship is worth it despite all the family issues that arise. But this will take a long time -- a month is not long enough. I understand why your parents are upset. I know you posted this wanting people to tell you that you are an adult, can make your own decisions and not to worry about your parents. Sorry, I can't tell you that. You need to step back from this relationship. If it is truly right, it will develop despite your not really wanting it to because of all the family concerns.
Correct me if I'm wrong but, from what I can gather, your uncle was being cheated on by his ex-wife. Said ex-wife was cheating on your uncle with the guy you're dating. So, if I'm not confused, the guy you're dating probably didn't know that your uncle's ex wife was married, so I don't see why people are saying he's a cheater when, according to how I see it, he wasn't the one doing the cheating. For all he knew, he was dating a single woman. In any case, to answer your question: If I were you, I would sit down and have a talk with my parents, explaining why you feel this person is of no harm to you. I agree that you shouldn't suffer because of someone else's mistake, but you have to take into account that your parents have more experience about relationships than you do.
drop the guy like a hot rock! he clearly has a shady past in re relationships, isn't likely to be any more faithful to you than he most likely was to his ex-wife... you've already lied and cheated, with this guy's blessing, so what does that say about him?... and about the 'you' that you've let yourself become?... that really the kind of person you want to be?... do your parents deserve to be treated so badly, when they only have your best interests at heart? while you're living on your parents, in their home, you do have to do what they tell you to, and at 18 you really don't have a clue about life in the down 'n dirty adult world, so you'd do well to listen to them...
You are only eighteen, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do yourself a favour and drop this creep before you get far too involved with him. Your parents sound like they have your best interests at heart and are only wanting the very best for you. If you were my daughter, in this situation, I'd be broken hearted (for you - more than for myself) If this guy was a half decent man and he truly loved you then he would finish this relationship for your sake. Don't let the fact that your parents disapprove of this guy drive you closer to him- that would be a tragedy. You are eighteen don't throw your life away on this cheat. edit - my heart goes out to your parents, they must be worried sick.
This guy sounds horribly unsavory. Drop it like it's hot. Why would you want to be involved with some lying, cheating scumbag? Don't make the mistake of believing that you'll be the one to change him. There's probably a good reason he's going out with an 18 year old, and that reason won't be in your favour. It sounds like he's using you as a weapon already anyway, so just imagine how much worse it could get!
you: well, that's hard for me seeing as how I'm a dude. I would be cautious with the situation though; the last thing anyone should ever have when developing a relationship is emotions, even though that's one of the first things that happens. Then again, I trust no one absolutely; not that I don't trust, just not entirely. One thing that concerns me though is the fact this dude was doing your uncle's wife...the only thing that could really get closer than that is if it was your own mom or a sibling etc. (just...gross I guess). I would also think about that too, how do you think your uncle feels about it? There's a lot of pain from this whole situation so that would be enough for me to chase him off myself. your dad: After spending a night in jail and facing assault charges... Seriously though, I would say your dad is a strong man for not doing anything too rash. Understand that there's some things in this world that can't be explained; protecting your children is one of them.
Be your own daughter. Would you let your daughter date him? Btw, I dated a way older guy for a bit. Kind of fun at first, very crushing. Very insensitive. Totally used me. Because I'm young and naive and used to be Christian/agnostic/confused/ very female intuition. Guy went to UCB for his credentials. Made me feel like shiz. After a few dates: "I'm used to way older vaginas. This should be fun. Whenever you're ready, babe." That man had a way around his words. Random advice: If anyone tells you "If you really loved me you would......" I found immature older guys do that. They just want sex. Or chicken wings and sex. Or naked play-off sex and chicken wings. It happened to me with two older guys; I'm in my twenties. GET OUT. WHILE YOU CAN AND DON"T GET TOO ATTACHED. Age is a barrier that burns at you when you're only 18?!?@??@ If I were you, I'd wait until I was older to date even older. It keeps things relevant between the two. No gaps/hurdles to cross. And age is only the first issue. I can't even comprehend the rest. I'd GET OUT WHILE I COULD.
I wouldn't be as concerned about the age thing. My husband is 10 and a half years older than I am. He's 32 and I'm 21 going on 22. Just because he's older doesn't mean he has bad intentions. However, ask yourself the following: Does he have a career? What are his life goals? Is he fully supporting himself? Did he finish school? If he has zero ambition and isn't doing anything with his life and he's 28, THAT would be a reason to be concerned. From what I understand, the ex-wife did the cheating, right? Did he know she was married? People make mistakes. If he has his life together and is faithful to you and knows he made a mistake, I'm not sure I would just drop him. My mother and her current boyfriend fell in love while they were both married to other people. They did not cheat on their spouses, but they came close. They are both respectable people that were in unhappy situations. Think about all that and think with your head, and definitely talk to your parents. Be honest with them and be honest with yourself. Don't hide your relationship. If I were your mother, yes, I'd be concerned. That's why you shouldn't sneak around. Be open. Lying isn't going to get you anywhere.
Age is just a number, unless one of you is not legally an adult. Then it's a pair of numbers (like ten to fifteen in state lockup).
I disagree. I'm a relatively mature adult. I guess I think it's potentially problematic because I just chose older men who wanted to use me. I guess some guys are different. But age was a barrier I didn't expect to be such an issue. Anyways
Cogito is correct when it comes to the way the law looks at sexual relationships, but there's probably more to consider when analyzing your relationship then "Is this legal?"
I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 11 years older than me. I met him at the age of 20 and my parents did not mind because the boyfriends I dated my age were immature and not stable. Because you still live with your parents and because you are still considered as your parents daughter, they are going to treat you like a child. I do not blame you that your parents are trying to protect you because of the situation. Your uncle's ex-wife's husband you are dating? BIG red flag. To tell you the truth I would not want to associate with somebody like that especially with history like that with your family. If I was your father or mother. I would sit down with you and talk to you about the situation. I would not want you to date someone like that, especially since he is in the hot seat with your family already. I think it was right your father took your car. You broke your father's trust and now he took one of the privileges you have. If I were you I would think hard. You are at an age where most teenagers make one mistake or sometimes more. (I call it the young and stupid age and believe me I have done some stupid things that I do not regret and I do regret). Think about what you are doing and see it from an emotional perspective and from a unemotional perspective.
@aimi_aiko Bit confused about the whole relation between your guy, your uncle and your uncle's ex-wife. But anyway. Did your guy know your uncle's ex-wife was married/not single? If he didn't, he can't really be to blame. If he did, well personally I wouldn't be able to be with someone who could cheat so you really need to think whether you could too (trust etc.). I can sort of understand your family's reaction, they're just trying to protect you. As for the age thing, you're both legal so I don't think it should matter. (I'm 21 and interested in a guy who is eight years older.) I understand if your family are concerned about it though. Your family might settle down after a few months if you stay with the guy and it's going well. If you can talk to your family about this, I really think it would be a good idea just so you can have an open chat about everything concerning you and your guy.
So, I went on a date last night with a girl who I've kinda liked for a while. It didn't go so great... We didn't really have much to talk about apart from films and TV shows really. And there were the horrid awkward silences... I guess we're great as friends, but putting us in a date situation didn't go as well as I'd have thought. Or maybe it was me, I was in a funny mood so maybe I wasn't focused completely, and we sat next to each other in the last lesson, so we didn't have much new stuff to talk about. Who knows. Girls, eh?
I've had that happen. It's no fun, but if the chemistry isn't there, it's better to know and move on.
^ I think sometimes the fantasy is so much better than the reality. We tend to dream-up all the ways people can be what we want them to be, but in practice, it just leads to disappointment. Better to stay friends perhaps?
