1. Blue_Lotus

    Blue_Lotus Senior Member

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    Tense/perspective help please?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Blue_Lotus, Jul 27, 2011.

    OK I know what I did wrong I just can't seem to figure out how to fix it.
    Any assistance is welcomed here.

    Bold words are where my issues are.

    A young man with long sable hair with just the hint of curl at its tips sat under a Banyan tree. His hair framing almond shaped eyes, eyes that when one gazed into their depths seemed to hold not only wisdom beyond his years but, total and utter peace. He has [wrong tense but if I write in Had it reads oddly to me.] the kind of eyes that laughed[B/] with him, or seemed to darken with his mood. (these last two I can change to laugh and drop the second half but then I think the whole things is just junk...)

    any thoughts here would really be loved. I have re worded this a few times with little luck. Maybe I'm just over thinking it here IDK anymore.
     
  2. Melzaar the Almighty

    Melzaar the Almighty Contributing Member Contributor

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    Is it meant to be in past tense then?

    Grammatically how I would have written it:

    A young man with long sable hair, with just the hint of curl at its tips, sat under a Banyan tree. His hair framed almond shaped eyes; eyes that when one gazed into their depths seemed to hold not only wisdom beyond his years but total and utter peace. He had the kind of eyes that laughed with him, or seemed to darken with his mood.

    Not the words I'd have chosen - I'd have stopped describing him at "young man" and got on with why he was under the tree, which is a lot more interesting to me than his description at the moment. :p
     
  3. Blue_Lotus

    Blue_Lotus Senior Member

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    Yeah the more I read it the less I like it... think you might be right here.
    Thanks.
     
  4. Melzaar the Almighty

    Melzaar the Almighty Contributing Member Contributor

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    Tiny bits of description can be dropped in all over the place... I only info-dump character description for dramatic effect these days... When you start reading a chapter entitled "descriptions of dresses" you know it's time to take a deep breath... Everything else I put in around actions and thoughts. :)
     
  5. digitig

    digitig Contributing Member Contributor

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    Others have shown you how to bring this into present tense. Here's how I'd put it all into past tense without changing the content much in any other way.
    A young man with long sable hair with just the hint of curl at its tips sat under a Banyan tree. His hair framed almond shaped eyes, eyes that when one gazed into their depths seemed to hold not only wisdom beyond his years but total and utter peace. He had the kind of eyes that laughed with him, or seemed to darken with his mood.
    I think it could do with a bit of further tidying up (too many instances of "with") but unlike some others here I'm not averse to the occasional bit of description -- I think it's often what sets good writing off from mediocre writing -- so I wouldn't suggest that you turn it into action.
     
  6. Melzaar the Almighty

    Melzaar the Almighty Contributing Member Contributor

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    :D

    I have no problem with description - just in the right places. :) Usually jumping right into a character description is the least interesting way to introduce a scene or character within a scene. I can come up with as much descriptive ramble as anyone else, but I try to space it out between stuff.
     
  7. MaryMac

    MaryMac New Member

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    It really depends on where you're going next with the story. Is it someone's memory? To be honest, though, I'd open the sentence with the tree, and then introduce the person sitting under it. Move it around a little bit and see whether it comes to life more.
     

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