1. Razortooth

    Razortooth Member

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    The impression that someone is passing in and out of conciousness

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Razortooth, Aug 3, 2017.

    I have a section of a short story where a character is explaining something to another character who is falling in and out of consciousness. Would anyone have any suggestions as to how to portray this with the characters dialogue.

    I currently have it trailing off in ellipsis, would this be considered correct?

    “I know very well, you are correct, my intention is not to steal it.” Jackson replies. “We stick to the plan, that plan being… Jackson trails off as Spencer begins to black out again.
    The gash in his head begins to bleed again, the hit from Jackson must have aggravated it. Spencer’s vision blurs as he passes out the last of Jackson’s words descend into the darkness and the re-enter his minds eye under a different voice. He sees the broadcast delivered just a month earlier.

    Any insights would be great, thanks.
     
  2. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    I'm slightly unclear. Did Jackson actually stop talking, or did Spencer stop hearing him? I'm not sure if that affects my answer or if I have an answer, but I'd like to know.
     
  3. Trish

    Trish Damned if I do and damned if I don't Contributor

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    I also am confused about whether he stops talking, or if he passes out and can't hear him.
    And this sentence is extremely confusing. I'm think there was supposed to be a comma between out/the? The rest is confusing as well, but I'm assuming that's a context issue.
     
  4. Razortooth

    Razortooth Member

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    The idea is that Jackson's words trail off as Spencer becomes unconscious. He can't hear the rest of the sentence.
    I guess that doesn't come across. Is there a functional of doing that? I mean I describe in the very next line but just in the way that the reader reads what Jackson says fading away.
     
  5. Spencer1990

    Spencer1990 Contributor Contributor

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    Since this is third person, you can have Jackson actually finish the sentence, but write a quick line to say that Spencer didn't catch the last bit or whatever works in context.

    Not to say this is the best solution, but it is a solution.
     
  6. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    Henry was talking. And talking. And so very much talking. Emily proppped her chin on her hands and watched him, trying very hard not to doze off. Well, fairly hard.

    "...fire. You know? I mean, the most basic of precautions..."

    Little dream kitties danced across Emily's eyes. Maybe she should get a Siamese? Avoid all that brushing and detangling.

    "...void their insurance. Don't you agree?" Henry was frowning at her.

    Emily refocused. "Totally. Totally, it's the only solution."

    "And then they could use the saved money..."

    Or maybe a puppy. Had anyone ever successfully litter-trained a dog?

    "...say?"

    The raised pitch of a question broke through her doze, and Emily blinked at him. "What?"

    Henry said, "What did I just say?"

    Emily lifted her head and stretched. "I don't have the faintest idea. But you enjoyed saying it, right?"
     
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  7. Iain Sparrow

    Iain Sparrow Banned Contributor

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    Excellent little passage!
    I might change 'doze', to 'reverie'... as Emily seems to be pleasantly lost in her thoughts.
    Btw, I'm stealing that line, "Little dream kitties danced across Emily's eyes..." I have a 12 year-old girl who falls from a catwalk into a pool of water with two crocodiles. I'll jigger the line a bit, but it'll have the same feel. Thanks for giving me a clever line for that dazed and confused feeling I was trying to impart to the reader, without using words like 'dazed' or 'confused'.:)
    Also, I'm not paying you for that line.;)
     
    ChickenFreak likes this.
  8. Tenderiser

    Tenderiser Not a man or BayView

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    Drifting in and out of consciousness is a bit cliché IMO and I'm not sure it happens much (at all?) with real medical science. Is it absolutely necessary for your manuscript?

    I know it isn't what you asked but throwing the option out there that you might not need this at all.
     

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