Bad jokes read with caution Spoiler A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!" Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas? A: Cancer. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. What's red and sits in a corner? - A baby chewing on razor blades What's blue and sits in a corner? - A baby with a plastic bag over its head What's green and sits in a corner? - Either baby two weeks later What's grosser than gross? - A barrel full of dead babies What's grosser than that? - One the bottom is still alive What's grosser than that? - It's eating its way to the top What's grosser than that? - It goes back for seconds best joke EVER Two muffins are in an oven, and the first one turns to the other one and says " Hey dont you think it gets getting a little hot in here." With that the second one replys " Holy **** a talking muffin"
The jokes are beginning to push the envelope - let's draw a line here and step back from it, before things become too offensive. And yes, the one I posted recently was questionable also.
Yeah, I was feeling a little ill when reading some of the jokes, I mean, dead babies? Not funny at all. This thread was started out for laughs but personally, the jokes are getting too.. (battling for correct wording here), obscene for my tastes. So I agree with Cogito. ~Doz
I like dark humour but when it's about ded babies is when its a bit much in my opinion. New Zealand joke: Q: What's a Hindu? A: Lays eggs! hahahaa
Well, obviously I too have a dark, cynical side There are other sites that have looser standards, so we can post the really raw stuff on those sites. I know you have humor that falls within the guidelines for this site as well - I've seen it. Just as the jokes I tell at work have to be dialed back from those I can tell at the pub down the street, the jokes posted here need to be appropriate for this setting.
Three men were hiking in the wilderness, and came upon a wide, swift river, which they needed to cross to reach their destination. The first man kneeled, and bowed his head. "God, please grant me the strength to cross this river." Sure enough, his arms and legs grew powerful muscles, and he was able to swim across in just over an hour. The second man smiled and kneeled as well. "God, please grant me the strength and the tools to cross this river." His arms and shoulders grew bulging muscles, and a canoe appeared. He crossed the river in half an hour. The third man pondered, and finally he kneeled down as well. "God, please grant me the strength, tools, and intelligence to cross this river." After a moment, he transformed into a woman. She consulted the map that appeared next to her, walked upstream for 5 minutes, and crossed the footbridge there in another 5 minutes.
A woman who has a husband who suffers with Alzheimer’s is sat at home watching the news. On the news the camera is show a car going down the wrong lane on the motorway. She calls her husband on the car phone. “Be careful coming home dear there’s a car on the freeway going the wrong way.” He then answers “What do you mean one? There’s hundreds.”
lol, last two jokes were funny. and sorry to sound like a baby here but one of those nasty jokes made me well up. i got one for you. an elderly married couple are sitting together in a nursing home when the man announces that he is leaving his wife for Enid, another woman. his wife asks, "What does Enid do that i don't?" to which the man replies "Enid holds my willy on a night." the wife looks puzzled for a minute. "I hold our willy on a night though." "Yea, but Enid has parkinsons." i know, might be a little nasty but it had me in stitches. and i lovw Bickers muffin joke.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would Add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration? Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service --
Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a half mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Lusk Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter
Two Irish brothers decide to start up their own pig farm. But the brothers only have enough to by to pigs. So they go to the market and buy two pigs. When they get them back to their small farm they spend the day building a pig sty. The younger brother asks the older brother "how will we tell the difference between which pig is yours and which pig is mine." The older brother decided to cut the tail off his pig then says "my pig will be the one without a tail so we will know whos pig is whos." That night the pig without a tail chews off the other pigs tail. In the morning the two Irish brothers come out to feed the pigs. The younger brother notices that they both have no tail. "How will we tell the difference no he asks." The older brother thinks for a moment then decides to cut the ear of one of the pigs. "Ok my pig is the one with only one ear now we can tell which pig is mine and which pig is your."That night the other pigs chews off an ear off the pig with two ears. The morning comes and the two Irish brothers come to feed the pigs "ok now look whats happened they both have one ear." Says the younger brother. The older brother cuts the remaining ear of one of the pigs then says "My pig is the earless one and yours is the other." The following night the pig with no ears chews the remaining ear of the other pig. Come the morning the two Irish brothers come out again to feed the pigs. The younger brother says "Now look they both have no tail or ears how do we tell the difference now" Well the older brother looks at both pigs and says "OK I'm sick of this we'll just say the pink pig is yours and the black pig is mine."
My favourite joke... Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike? A: Because somebody threw a fridge at him.
I don't suppose you'd be surprised to learn that those last three reactions are quite common to my sense of humour? Is this better? Descartes goes into a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. He sits for a while, drinking his coffee and reading the paper. A little while later, the waitress comes by and asks him if he would like another cup. He says "I think not" and disappears.
A man decides to call home after a hard day's work at the office and dials the number on his Nokia N-90. Telephone rings. Laura picks it up. "Hello?" "Hey my girl, how're you doing? Where's mommy?" "She's in the bedroom. With uncle George." short silcence. "....Who's uncle George?.......Listen dear, you go into the bedroom and tell them that I'm driving up very soon into the garage." "Allright daddy." Shortly afterwards: "Hey daddy!" "Laura, what exactly happened?" "I went in and saw mommy without clothes jumping on uncle Geoge, who was without clothes, too! I told them you were parking in the garage. Both of them leapt up and mommy leapt out of the bed, trying to put her clothes on, but slipped and fell off the window and is on the pavement now and doesn't move anymore. Uncle George tried to leap out of the window facing our swimming pool, but didn't know that you had drained it before you left this morning. He cracked his skull on the pool floor and also doesn't move anymore...." Silence for a few sec. "Swimming pool? Woops, wrong number!" .
