The Life Thread

I think a lot of CFS sufferers suffer from fibromyalgia, too - a lot of the chronic illnesses seem to intertwine. I actually think I got fibro before I got CFS. Like you, mine started with a flu; it's amazing such a minor virus can cause it.

30 years is such a long time to have lived with it, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Thanks for your lovely comments

Thanks Banzai, I appreciate it I think almost all younger sufferers have their education affected by the CFS, unfortunately there's no way to avoid it.

 

I managed to getup and make it to the dresser .... (just venting, no need to respond)

It’s now 8:18 AM and last night was pretty bad. Painful muscular cramps woke me at 3:30 AM and left me drenched in a cold sweat. I reached for the bottle of muscle relaxants that I keep next to the tumbler of filtered water on my makeshift night stand — but they were gone. I had forgotten to place them there before retiring for the night. Then I turned to my wife and watched her as she slept quietly beside me and ... I watched her as long as I could.

I knew that in time I had become a disappointment to her. When we first met I’m sure she found me at least a little exciting, and if not full of energy, at least a hopeful choice. As we spent more and more time together I even stopped drinking the shots of Jack and beer that I eagerly downed in an attempt to drown out the images that have haunted me from the past.

It has been many years now, and those images are gone or at least repressed. Just an occasional lingering remains to remind me of the gruesome scenes of that night. The sickening stench of death that filled the air still finds my nostrils from time to time and a flash of images return, but I seem to able to shake them off before they have time to grow once again into something uncontrollable.

I managed to getup and make it to the dresser where I grabbed up the pills and popped a couple into my mouth. I never have become accustomed to the bitterness of the pills and was glad for the water to chase them down. I moved quietly to the living room and took an Ativan and Hydrocodone then took a seat on the couch. As dawn came and passed into early morning and the cats meowed for their morning meal I began to think of Joe. The pills had kicked in long ago and somewhere along the way I brewed a pot of coffee.



“Honey, come up stairs and have something to eat,” she said.

Her Southern accent had long since passed into some kind of hybrid speak. Now it was a cross between the thick Southern draw of her North Georgia roots and the fast talking lingo of the more sophisticated Washington, DC girl Friday.

“Bring Joe if you like,” she said.

Before I began to ascend the stairs — which I don’t think I’ll ever forget — I remembered the conversation my mother and I had had the day before. We talked about Joe and how he was welcome to stay as long as I liked, but that it would probably be better for me if I planned on saying goodbye to him sometime soon.

I can still feel the hardness of the wooden steps under my bare feet as I climbed the steep steps from the cellar below. The small passageway lit only by a single bulb with a pull string switch hung at the top of the stairs. It left the passage in a strange dimness. Not completely dark, but still not lit as well as one might expect. I felt Joe’s presence beside me and we conversed as we moved toward the top of the stairs. Suddenly, I recognized that in the light above stood my mother. It was if the light was for her and her alone. Not for anyone else. Not for two small children climbing the stairs that shook even under the weight of their small frames.

“Is Joe going to eat with us”, she asked.

As we reached the last tread I looked up into my mother’s eyes and said, no ... I don’t think so. Joe is gone.

I remember as I passed over that threshold and the door closed behind me that something very special and unique had been left behind. Joe never returned again except at times like these when I choose to reminisce about the past. But, even now it is only a memory and nothing more.

I find myself surprised at times that I remember him so well, and the adventures that we shared together. How he protected me in times of trouble, and kept me from harms way as best he could. I guess some doctors might find it a little remarkable that I remember him so well — if at all. Even now I find myself wondering from time to time if it might not be nice to have Joe around again. And at others I wonder if he has ever really left me.

Sometimes I ask myself if he is just standing on the outer dimensions of my own consciousness waiting for just the right time and my permission to reinsert his self from his unknown beginning back into my life. I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. I only know that I never remember granting him permission in the first instance to become a part of my life. Don’t get me wrong! I am most grateful that he did, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

He left that day with such grace, and without a single word of protest for a stay of execution. My mother shut the door behind me as I entered into the brightly lit kitchen filled with the aroma of freshly baked cinnamon rolls and the last reality of Joe’s existence faded away. I remember my admission to my mother of his true nature and of the fact that I recognized him for what he truly was. I remember the twinge of guilt and betrayal I felt at the time of the words of admission. And even now, after all those years I can still remember him saying say that it was okay to let go.

It would be good to have Joe back now, but I’m sure it would push me beyond the limits of my own sanity if I allowed it to happen. I guess the pills and occasional booze will have to remain my only solace for now.

It's dark again ....


PS: It was good to be able to vent a little. Thanks!

 

Wow. Glad that you feel better. While I know this is a vent, I was entranced in reading this. It was like something out of a story or maybe a journal. Thank you for sharing this with us, it must of taken guts! I hope you do find some peace and solace.

~Doz

 

that was beautifully written.
leave the booze alone as much as you can.
It is so easy for them to take over your life. Very similar to the way pain does.
wives and husbands do not need exciting they need love in all forms.
speaking as one who knows.

 

A noble speech.....And I truly agree.....



But also as one who knows. Booze is good in moderation......God knows my wife can really test my fresh hold.....

 

The Life Thread seems to be somewhat dead O___o

Here's a topic needing advice, how do you tell people (mainly your friends) that you're fed up of being excluded without being more excluded or treated like you were some major loner kid?

 

Get some new friends? Seriously, if your friends are doing it purposefully then maybe you should rethink your friendship and whether or not it's worth it.

If not then maybe you should tell them, maybe they don't know they're hurting you and think you're okay with it. Try talking with the one you think you have the best connection, it's always better to talk things through with someone.

 

I don't think they're doing it purposely, but they seem to be doing a hell of a job at it.
There's one friend who knows what I'm going through, and although she has a stronger connection with the rest of the group than I do, she feels like she's going through the same thing.

 

Well, talk to them, maybe they don't know what they're doing, maybe they think you're okay with it, or maybe (God forbid) they really are doing it on purpose but just won't say it to yourself.

Keeping your thoughts to yourself won't help any except make you feel lonelier. I've gone through the same thing, so I can relate.

 

So have I in the past, which is why I'm mad at myself for letting it happen again.

If they are doing it purposely I think I will have to kill them and eat their children.

I guess I'll talk to them.

 

Humans aren't meant to live alone. Get new friends. Humans were given emotions to not live alone.
If we lived alone humans would die.

 

Dammit, now I'm depressed! And it's worst because I just visited dA! That site makes me feel so lowly and pathetic! Grrr!

I need a hug...

 

-hug-

I was just on dA like, 10 seconds ago.

Go listen to some happy music. It'll help.

 

-hug-

 

I had an idea and I lost it.

 

Hah. I hate it when that happens, my mum says that if it was important you will remember it! but that will happen in teh middle of the night!

 

My mom says that if you suddenly forget something you were going to say, it's because it was probably a lie. *dum dum DUM!*

 

I NEVER... hang on, I forgot what I was going to say....

 

Not sure about that. I have often forgotten things in which i was about to say and they were certainly not lies

 

Liar.


hahhaa.


Life. Well, I tell you what, I am glad that my BF's parents will be going soon. They aren't bad people though, just that I have had enough and that I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for him. Like his mum dismisses me. That's how I feel at the moment. I could vent away but my fingers would get tired from typing.

 

DOZ the main thing is not what they think and feel but what you and he feel. You BF loves you dearly. It is very easily seen how much he cares for you. I know it can be hard when parents make you feel that way. But try hard not to let it get you down.

I am really sorry that they make you feel this way. Maybe you could sit down with your BF after they leave and have a talk with him about it just so he knows how you feel.

Sorry I can't give any real advice. Parents will always do it though. They do it to protect their children from being hurt. But you two are great together so don't stress over it too much ok. And you are good enough for him. If you weren't you really think he'd still be with you? No he wouldn't. All that really matters is the love you share. Don't ever forget that.

Hope this helps you a little bit DOZ. Again I am so sorry that they make you feel this way and I hope that in time it all changes.

 

Cheers. It does help and he, erm... already knows how I feel... LOL!

 

It matters not at all what a mother thinks. What does matter is what you two think and feel.
Speaking from experience. my mother in law hates me, I know this because she hates Don as well. We are still together and until she got Alzheimers and moved in with Don's sister she took great offence that we were still happy and in love. But Don and I could have cared less.
Now from the mother in law side. I do not care for Raymonds wife. She is a wonderful mother if a bit too strict and she is a wonderful wife for Raymond. So I put up with the things she does that annoy me enough to want to throttle her and him as well. But they live in Sudbury an 8 hour drive so we see little of them. So what the heck, she loves raymond and the 3 children so who am I to say Raymond could have done better. He probably couldn't and if he did he might no be happy.
Inlaws should keep their opinions to themselves or they may find the son or daughter living at home with them again mending a broken heart.

 

Thanks Lessa. It means a lot. Phill, my BF doesn't care what anyone thinks. He loves me for me. And I still find that hard to believe.

What's good about this- they live on the other side of the country!

 

I used to say that Eleanor was the best mother in law around. As long as she lived in Garson and I lived in Marathon. 8hours away.

I still can't figure out why Don still loves me. Can't figure out why he loved me in the first place.
All I know is I loved him from day one and when I finally met him he talked to my face and not the boobs. Never really had that happen from the time I was 13.
nice experience really.