The not happy thread

I know it sucks but, since you're not together, you will have to get used to the idea of him being with other girls. It most certainly does suck that he's staying at your place now, since it's a little 'in your face' if he were to be talking about it, but it could be worse- he could bring her back there.

In any case, I'm sorry to hear that. Getting over someone can be a chore and, with these circumstances, it'll likely be much harder. I wouldn't let him see that you're trying to avoid him or are upset, though. It's possible that he could be saying or doing things to simply get to you. This'll show him that you're over him and he might feel uncomfortable and give up.
Probably the worst advice ever. :\

 

Sigh, thanks for that. lol, actually, I'm not really over him, he ain't either I know that. But that's not the big deal. It's just that i miss us being together sometimes(read sometimes). Though it was embarrassing when my brother woke me up by removing the quilt off me this morning. At least I had harem pants on and wasn't wearing a skirt like i usually do. lol, that would've been embarrasing. P.S. Not his fault, my aunt and uncle are visiting. Him and my cousin come as a package.

 

If that's the case, then it's very possible that he's trying to make you jealous so you'll want to go for him again. Especially if he talks about this girl when you're around. Or encourages your cousin to talk about it so it doesn't appear like he's doing what I think he's doing. (Devious, eh?)

 

Lol, he doesn't need to do that. My brother does that on his own. So does Sarthak's mother as a matter of fact. Sigh, I love her.

 

That sounds terrible... If it hurts to have him there, is it too much to ask him (politely) to leave? If you aren't over each other, and he's visiting other girls while staying at your house, it looks like he's trying to prove something, to himself as much as to you. It might be that it's just as hard for him, and he's trying to ignore it, cover it up, with his actions.
Either way, if you aren't over him, he's going to see it and know it- these things are pretty transparent. The question is- what are you going to do about it?

 

Wishie! The thing is, my parents don't know about us. Only my aunt knows, so it'll be awkward if I ask him to leave. And well, wish I could do something about it.

 

I feel like death

And not the good kind.

 

Why's that? What's going on?

 

Thanks everyone. It is heartbreaking what this man has put her and her children through. It is exactly what I went through with my childrens father, except the assault was on me and not the children or he'd not be alive right now. Her parents aren't even being very supportive... but she has a large support network now and a guy who is very much like my Dan who is there for her and helping her to get out of the relationship. Which is a good thing. I just hope she DOES get out before anything worse happens. I honestly fear for her and her two boys.

The entire situation is just terrible and I hate seeing her go through everything that I went through and some of it worse. It hurts I can't protect her.

Neha, I'm sorry for what you are going through sweety. My love and hugs to you.

 

What I wish is that your cousin had demanded his immediate arrest, and followed through and pressed charges. I also realize that isn't your call, and you pressing for it might make her pull away when she need support most of all.

 

That would only happen one time with any member of my family. Here in California, the police do more report-writing than protecting the public. People need to learn to defend/protect themselves and their loved ones. Restraining orders often fail to protect the victim, and cops are pretty useless, after the fact. Fortunately, if a rogue man joined my family and hurt one of my daughters or grandkids the way you described, my son, sons-in-law and I would educate the turd. Police would not be needed.

 

I'm suddenly imagining Saulty with a giant baseball bat that has 'Learnins' written on it in big, black letters.

 

Had another baby talk with Steve last night. He is still not ready. After the talk, I had to take my pills (including the no baby pills). He was in the kitchen with me when I got my water. I was kinda snarky and told him I was taking that one pill just for him. I feel kinda bad about that. But, it is true. He is the only reason I am taking the BC pill. He didn't say goodbye to me this morning when he left for work.

 

Naw, I'm the gentle one. One son-in-law is 6'7", 280#. Another is 6', 240# with arms the size of legs and covered in tattoos. The "small" son-in-law looks pretty average, but his favorite TV show is full-contact cage fighting and he collects guns. My own son is 6' 230# and carries a gun for a living. My job is to hold back the "boys". It's very convincing.

There was a time in this country when, if a man beat up his wife or kids, a bunch of the town's men would "visit" the guy for a chat. The guy would usually change his ways or leave town. IMO - we need a return to such community self-policing.

Congratulations! I didn't know he was back at work. That's great...it wasn't long ago that you were struggling with him not having a job. One goal down; one to go. Be patient. It will happen, just like finding work did.

 

Tempting as that may sound, vigilante justice has a way of becoming a bigger problem that what it attempts to solve.

 

He was pesterin' muh chickens! I sawl 'eem!

 

Yeah.

*sighs*

Back in the 1800s, if a man saw that another man was messin' with his wife and children like that, he'd just pull out a gun and shoot him dead. No questions ask, especially in the Wild West. Shoot the bugger down then resume drinking whiskey while dealing out the cards.

So, it's a mixed batch. I'm thankful we don't live in that period anymore, however, that means we can't just kill a guy for messing with someone's kid like that or else we'll face court time or worst.

 

I didn't say to administer "justice" and I would be the first to stop an angry crowd from dispensing punishment. They should seize the bad guy and deliver him to the authorities. Bullies and thugs fear consequences and there is nothing wrong with a group of men confronting them about their behavior. The "message" doesn't even have to be a threat of justice. Rather, it is an emphatic proclamation that society (or family members) will protect his victims from further abuse. The goal is to prevent further abuse.

 

Vigilante justice is a bad idea. We need the court system and the presumption of innocence. The townsfolk carrying torches are much more likely to make an error than a jury hearing both sides of a case.

If there's a problem with the system, be the problem with police, enforcement of restraining orders, etc, then the system needs to be fixed, not abandoned in favor of vigilantism.

OTOH, I have personal experience with a complete opposite situation:

When I was a teenager, I had a younger brother who suffered from mental illness as a result of temporal lobe epilepsy, which was itself the result of brain damage, probably sustained at birth--though we didn't know that many until years later. He was misdiagnosed at the time as being hyperactive and prescribed Ritalin, which made his condition worse.

During that time, he and a friend set a small fire in the woods (the friend was older, and it was actually the friend that set the fire) and as a result he had to go to court and was ordered to see a social worker. The social worker got the (mistaken) idea that there was abuse going on in the home, which may have been the result of leading questions or the result of my brother's mental illness and the social worker believing the stories from his mind. Whatever the case, when my brother went to court for the fire-setting, whatever the social worker said, the judge took my brother away from his loving home (where I again stress, no actual abuse was going on) based on false allegations of abuse and put him into a group home. It took years for my parents to even get visitation--and my brother wasn't able to return home until he was 18 and a legal adult.

(He was also actually abused during his time in that group home, which included juvenile delinquents who had committed real crimes.)

The point is that, even when the "system" doesn't do enough in some cases, in other cases it can make mistakes and do "too much," separating a child from a loving home and loving parents and siblings.

And, if the stories of that social worker were believed, I imagine a vigilante group of neighbors might have done something to myself or my parents, though fortunately, no vigilante group existed. Rumors did abound though--and we were ostracized by some people in the community. There were people in the community who believed that there was abuse going on in our house.

I must point out that, through all of this, no legal charges were pressed against my parents. My brother was simply taken away, unjustly. Although it's nearly 30 years later, the memory of what happened still affects me profoundly. I'll never forget coming home, and my brother not being there... and then, not seeing him, literally for years while my parents drained all the money and energy they had in lawyers trying to get him back, to no avail. It drove my father almost insane.

In the end, all I can say is--I'm against vigilante justice, I believe that people don't always know what is really going on, and sometimes may suspect worse than reality just as much as never suspecting real abuse--but when real abuse is actually going on, and you know about it, the authorities should be called in and real charges should be filed. I don't think children should be taken away without charges being filed... which is what happened in our case.

Charlie

 

I agree with you, Charlie.

I don't condon vigilent justice at all, even though I implied I did in my recent posts here.

 

I've been one giant mess lately. I've been getting my migraines more and more often. They're getting so bad that I'm vomitting, and I had to up my dosage on my anti-migraine pills, and the dosage is so high that I vomit. It's been fun.

I still have my ear infection from December. I'm on my third round of antibiotics (because the first two didnt work) and am still taking drops. My doctor fears I am building up resistance to the drugs, since I use them so often. It hurts really bad.

I hate winter, and I'm just feeling depressed lately. I just had to cancel a horseback lesson (partly because of the pain and partly because I'm just not up to it today) and I feel so terrible because I havent been in a really long time.

Today, I honestly felt afraid to speak up in my English class. What we normally do is read a few model essays, discuss them, and then write our papers. The only problem is my prof likes to pick models that have very sensitive subjects. To her defense, this essay in particular wasnt very sensitive, but we have learned to start debates over the subject; she usually grades our essays better when we do so. What should be a discussion about the format and use of the language always becomes a verbally violent fight over the nature of the topic. It usually results in direct attacks.

Not atypically, things were said that should have been the grounds for suspension. If I had said something the other way around, meaning reverse discrimination, I most definitely would have been. Today, afraid to even draw attention to myself, I just sat there and steamed.

I suppose it should be said that even though I am a white female, in that class, I am in the minority. I spoke to a few other white females after class and asked if they felt attacked today, just to make sure I wasnt perceiving incorrectly, since I've been resembling a ticking time bomb lately. Alas, my suspicions were confirmed.

I feel violated and pained and messy.

 

He didn't say goodbye when he left for work this morning. He didn't come home for lunch. I am feeling upset with him for not being ready to have a baby and for not being able to articulate what would make him ready or what he needs. I am terrified that I will never have a baby. I am terrified that he may agree at some point only to not really want it and resent me and baby. I am beginning to doubt he will ever be ready. I am wondering what it will mean for my marriage if he doesn't want kids. Either I lose him or I lose my dream of being a mother. My brain is stuck on all the "what-ifs" and "when"s. I keep choking back tears at my desk. Is what I want that unreasonable? We are married, we own a house out right, we both have jobs, we have health insurance, we have supportive families. What makes us not ready?

 

That's a tough one, all right. It may be that he is only afraid, and that if you did become pregnant he would melt into enthusiastic daddyhood. But there's no way of telling.

I know I wasn't thrilled about the prospect of having kids until Nancy told me she was pregnant. My reaction surprised both of us. I was walking on clouds.

It might really help to get some couples counselling. But this could really be a marriage-busting issue, sadly.

 

Have you ever flat-out asked him if he wanted kids? If so (and he said yes), do you honestly believe him?

You've brought up this problem before, Carmina, and from my point of view, as an unbiased observer of sorts, I'm seeing all sorts of red flags. Then again, I'm not yet at that point in my life yet, nor do I know Steve (or you, on an intimate level to really, really judge) but I dont predict many people disagreeing with me, with the information you've provided over time...

 

I have asked point blank and he says he does want a kid. It all comes down to not feeling ready.