The Not Happy Thread

I'm kind of losing my mind because of a guy. It's not really making me unhappy to think about him (actually I'm really ok with that lol) but his slow communication/lack thereof is turning my thinking into overthinking which is not as nice and is just making me feel anxious/confused/slightly depressed, you take your pick.

 

Same here, but the girl i like isn't slow with communication, just shy. Im losing my mind thinking about her . In the good way of course, but my lack of courage is holding me back from making anything happen.

 

I do understand where you are coming from, but speaking from the girl perspecitve its really hard when the guy you like isn't doing anything/making anything happen. At least for me, I start overthinking everything and stressing out about it, especially when it's a situation where i think something will/is happening. Which is exactly where i am now lol

But as hard as it is, you just have to go for it, I'm sure everything will work out how you want it to

 

Well, I'm officially single now. That was a painful experience to go though...

 

My mom just sent me an email with an article attached written by Dr Oz or Dr Phil or some other bogus faux-medical crackpot, and it said that "in these obese times" children should start having their cholesterol levels checked. She attached the article to an email and wrote, "You should ask [our general practitioner] about this when you see him next."

I just want to fucking scream. I cried over it, and my whole day has just been ruined. (And by the way, I skimmed that article, and the children who are supposed to be screened are ages 9 to 11. Guess who missed that mark by a whole decade?! So she can say she's just trying to look out for my best interests, but it doesn't even apply to me. So get out already.

This is the same woman who suggested I go on Weight Watchers this past summer, and the same woman who always tries to give me her ratty, XXL clothes. I don't want your oversized shirts, Mom. Throw them away and quit trying to make your daughter feel bad with them. I have never appropriately fit a shirt that size, and I never will. This is the same woman who goes through about a gallon of chocolate ice cream (with caramel syrup) once a week and believes that going to our local YMCA once a week where she "swims her laps" for an hour max will somehow make her healthy. So who the hell does she think she is, trying to give me health advice?

She is like 5'2" and weighs 160 or 170 pounds. That's not healthy. I'm 4'10" and don't feel comfortable telling you my weight, but my BMI is and always has been healthy, which I think is something of an accomplishment, seeing as my mom was too inebriated throughout my childhood to cook anything, and my dad usually just ordered pizza or takeout or brought back fast food on the way home from work. Yes, I would like to lose weight and get down to about 100 pounds, but I've never been medically considered fat in my life, and I don't have any fatty medical problems. No doctor has ever said anything about my weight to me, so why does she think she should? In fact, when I go to the doctor and have to get weighed and measured, I usually make some sort of joke, but the person taking the measurements always says that my weight is really good for my height and that I shouldn't worry about it. My blood sugar is actually low; my blood pressure is always perfect; I'm not at risk for diabetes (even though it runs in my fat family); and I don't know what my cholesterol levels are but I'll bet you that they are pretty fucking good too!

She knows this hurts me. For a graduation gift, my grandma bought me a jacket, and the jacket was a size XXXL --count it. Three X's. I smiled and tried to appreciate at least the thought, but when everyone left I was still really upset by it and even cried. Clearly I'm still bothered by it because that was a year and a half ago. I just cant believe someone could either be that thoughtless (and buy any old size --such a waste of money; that jacket wasn't returnable, so it has been sitting in my closet... I'd like to burn it, actually) or that misinformed of my true physical size. My mom said, "Oh, Grandma doesn't tend to think about those things when she's buying gifts." To which I replied, "What woman doesn't consider size when buying clothes?" That's all that's on our minds. Like, how big do you think I am? I fit size five jeans right now, and the shirts I buy are usually mediums, and sometimes smalls. And I have a size four dress in my closet that I fit into very nicely. Do I feel fat? Well, yes, most of the time, especially when people keep pulling shit like this. But am I fat? No. Have I ever been fat? No! So leave me alone already.

Don't say anything about my weight. It's not helpful or wanted. It ruins my day and makes me feel sick. It's mean. I know that clearly I'm not bony or stick-figure thin. But I'm not fat, and I never have been. But that doesn't mean that, just like every other woman on the face of the planet, I am severely paranoid about my body and really hate it some days. When you pull shit like this, it messes me up. So why do you continue to do it when you know that? Shut the fuck up and leave me alone!

 

Aw mums are mums, you only have one, often trying to get them to alter their behaivour goes against the
law of the relationship, sometimes it takes someone from outside to make them see things differently. When mine
went through this phase, a close relative noticed and stepped in saying you know rainshine is not fat, she can wear what she
likes, I couldn't have worn a top like that It wouldn't go any where near my size. you know what since then, silence, not a word on my being overweight.

 

Which brings me to my rant
I have a spot, its big red, sore and angry, its on my chin, what is the point of spots. My dads funeral where we bury his ashes is this week, I dont mind but I feel better his ashes are here on the fire place. and I am sick of feeling uneducated, frustrated with learning and carry inner anger towards my lack of education and old issues that spill out into my every word.

 

I didn't make it to the finalists in this contest I participated in. It's got my mood plummeting.

 

I wish it would rain.
For some reason I'm the opposite of most people and feel depressed when it isn't . . . I need to move to Oregon.

 

Actually I would suggest Washington-they have the better soccer team

Anyways, I feel like I have a ton of little things that are depressing me and stressing me out and they all just keep piling up until i don't know what or who to blame and I can't escape any of them. The thing is none of them on their own are that bad and in general it's not like my life is bad or anything, in a lot of ways its all good stuff which makes me feel even worse because there are people with real problems and yet I sound like i can't even handle my minor ones....

 

I hate my job. I don't get enough hours and overall it's just a joke. A girl one step above me gives me a hard time by making rude comments and implying that I do nothing and I'm completely worthless. My shy and quiet personality doesn't help my esteem. I work with people, and I'm not a people person at all. I can tolerate it for the most part, but some people are so rude where I can no longer smile to customers for the rest of the day. Nothing is organized or set a specific way.

Well, you have to make money somehow right?

 

didn't get the best news tonight and I am unsure how to react honestly. I'm trying to pretend it's all okay, but it's hard. Life has it's bumps to test how mentally strong you are, and this is one of these bumps that you just have to get over.

 

Possibly the most stupid of all questions on an application form: reason for applying. I want the bloody job, that's why I'm applying!

 

"I have a form fetish"

 

I saw my ex today on the bus, and for a moment I was reminded of why I went for her, then remembered the disturbing mental image some of her writing - detailing an incision of a J (the first letter of my name) on her arm - caused me after I broke it off. Kind of makes me a bit unhappy.

So does not being sure about women. It really sucks. There aren't many times in my life when I actually have a selection of women to choose from, and it doesn't make me feel good. There's one who I'd be content working towards slowly. There's one who lives far away, but I really like her and there's a really good potential relationship there because we get along and she says interesting things and is quite amazing. Then there's a potential relationship here, but the girl isn't quite intellectual; she's not stupid, but I feel I have to dumb myself down. However, she's basically throwing her body at me and I don't want to be rude and say no, but I don't want to be rude and say yes just for the sake of not saying no.

And it kind of pisses me off that I come on here to relax and instead see some really stupid questions and posts from time to time. Not going to name names, but I'm honestly sick of it.

And it's now the 18th of November and I realise now why there's a vague feeling of dread in my stomach and my mouth. In about 18 hours, it'll have been 10 years since my mum died. I was nine when she died. Most of this year, the fact that I've lived longer without her than with her has kind of pissed me off. I don't know whether it could be called depression, but it's been on top of me. And I feel an obligation to love her, but I have no memories and no real reason to love her, and it makes it harder when I've learned that she spent a few days "resting" in a mental asylum after a second suicide attempt (of the "cry for help" variety), and I feel like I just have her to blame for my constant thoughts of suicide and my feeling that mentally there's something wrong with me.
I know I'm not getting it from Dad's side of the family. Most of my mum's side of the family is nuts, though. I don't really want to have anything to do with most of my family anymore, but I can't disassociate myself from them because then I'm the bad guy.
I think it'd be nicer of me to disassociate myself than to only love them out of obligation.

 

^ I'm not really sure what to say so I'll just say I hope you're coping okay and that you have people to support you.

As for me, well on top of feeling rubbish, the stupid buses had to make it even worse. I got out of my seminar hoping to go back to my uni house, but oh no, the bus doesn't turn up so then I have to wait for the next one. So two arrive, but the bendy one is not in service and the smaller is. Great when there's a massive queue. I didn't get on it so I had to wait for the next bus. But while waiting the guy in front of me was so restless, he kept moving around and I don't think he ever had his two feet on the ground at once, it drove me crazy. And then when I eventually got on a bus, the guy next to me kept pushing into me because he was mucking about with his friends that had to stand in the aisle (due to all seats being filled). So yeah, it made my rubbish mood even more rubbish and I just wish all the rubbishness would go away.

 

Dear white van drivers: please indicate on a roundabout. I almost cut out in front of a van because I couldn't see his indicator and thought he was going another way. Could have been an accident. So I added another 10-or-so minutes to my trip just to get beside him and express my ... displeasure.

 

You should meet my family. I can list a few things about them, but first let me mention I lived with my mother until quite recently due to a kidney failure. It's easier to live with someone when you go to dialysis three times a week, and I saved two hours travelling as well. I moved out just over a month ago, though. And btw, I'm 34, so it was about time. Anyway...

1. Mom has stables connected to her house. Or to be precise, my sister has stables there. It's her stables, her house, her horses and all that, or so she thinks. Mom just happens to live there. And owns the house, but that's just a formality. When I lived there, I saw the horses right outside the freaking window all the time. I even had to move my car, so my sister could take the horses out through the garage. No idea why she wanted to, but I don't care. The fact that I was living there wasn't important. I do like horses, but I don't want to live in a f'in stable.

2. My father is an expert in everything. And I mean quite literally everything. No one knows anything about anything as well as him. Or so he thinks. There have been times recently when I have 'tricked' him into admitting he doesn't know as much as he thinks, like when I said I had a spare HDMI-cable and asked if he wanted it. He had no idea what it's for. He didn't even know what a blue-ray disc is. Still, every time I accidentally mention a story I'm writing, he has tons of suggestions how I can improve it. Not once have any of his advice been relevant. Like recently, I told him about a story I'm writing where some people find an unmarked grave. He kept going on and on and on about how people died young, were buried in unmarked graves and so on over a hundred years ago. I tried telling him the whole point in the story is why the grave is unmarked and that it's a ghost story, but he didn't even listen. Another story I wrote was half a ghost-story set in the 70s and half a monster-story (based on real science) set in the present. He liked the monster-part, but have yet to even mention that there was a ghost in there. At all. He wants me to write a sequel to the story, but again, he ignores the ghost completely. Even though that was a vital part in the story, and my favorite part in the first place.

3. Then there's my sister and her husband. Some years ago, I borrowed mom's car and backed into a pole or something in a parking lot outside a store. I kept saying I was driving backward in a freaking parking lot, so how fast could I possibly be driving? Both my sister and her husband insisted I had gone full speed. It wasn't until weeks later one of their friends said he had seen me driving and confirmed that I was driving really slowly and carefully. Another time, a woman was visiting our stables, and a few days later she kept saying someone (me) had backed into her car and damaged it. It cost me just about 860 dollars to get them to shut the hell up about it, and they still mention it from time to time today. Not one person gave a crap that I didn't do it. Yes, I drove the car that day, but really carefull, wasn't even near her car and my sister was sitting outside the house a few meters away the whole time. If I did someone back into that car, my sister would have heard it. She did not.

4. Same sister. I let her borrow the computer. When she noticed the Enter-key on the numeric pad was gone, she insisted I had punched the keyboard so hard the key fell off. It's ridiculous, but she refuse to listen. She can be really nice at times, but as soon as something goes wrong and I'm involved, it's 'of course' my fault.

5. Then there's my brother. He can be nice too sometimes. Or at least, until he got married and my kidney failed (again) (not connected in any way). He lives far away, and I barely see him at all. When I do, he acts like he's much better than me in every way. First of all, he's a substitute teacher and barely gets work. His wife is a nurse, but barely gets work. I have published two books in English (and I'm Norwegian, so English isn't even my first language), have written another (in Norweigan, trying to publish), know people all over the world and have had a ring on my finger twice so far. Never married, though, just engaged. But still. What makes him so much better than me? He doesn't even have a driver's licence, and he was close to 30 before he somehow got his first girlfriend. Until then, everyone assumed he was gay. Way to go, dude.

6. I mentioned being engaged twice? First, there was a woman four years younger than me. She came from a troubled home and had her issues, but she was really nice most of the time. My family never even gave her a chance, but hated her from day one. Or make that day zero, as I suspect they hated her before they even met her. The second was a woman 16 years older than me, living in a different country. (love the internet, btw.) My family pretended to like her, but when we broke up, everyone in my family 'saw it coming' and 'knew it wouldn't last'. In other words, I was dating that woman a year and a half, and my family only pretended to like her. Not one of them even gave her a chance.

I couild go on, but you get the idea. I had the car repaired last week and only got it back yesterday, and I already had an accident. The car jumped, hit a rock and the licence plate fell off. It was a minor mistake thanks to foggy windows, really dark outside, heavy rain and a new clutch that responded a lot quicker than the old one. I've fixed the car myself as best I can, though I know my so-called loving family will make a huge deal out of it. Sigh...

 

I had to get up at two am and write a six-page DBQ essay for an AP World History class.
And I hardly have any time to write.
Any thoughts or ideas on how to make time?
Oh oh oh! And I just have to ask...What time of day is usually best for you (personally, anyone) to write? I hate mornings, but evenings with hot chocolate and rain.......those make you think.

 

What an utter debacle last night was...

I attended a meeting of my local council, primarily because a petition had forced a debate on the proposed privatisation of the library service (something very important to me, and the cornerstone of my by-election campaign earlier this year). The public gallery was full, even though the debate was right at the end, after hours of mind-numbingly boring business.

But the whole thing was a ridiculous shambles. The ruling Conservatives kept trying to justify the decision by saying they weren't "privatising", they were "outsourcing" (someone picked up a thesaurus before they came into the chamber...) and that it was all okay because although they were selling off the service, they would still own the buildings (because that was clearly what we were trying to save; who cares if the library service goes to crap, as long as we still have the buildings?).

Then it came to the vote on a proposal, and the executive didn't have one, so there was a disorganised scramble whilst they wrote one right there, on the floor of the chamber! Eventually, the opposition proposal was voted on, and voted down by the Tory majority, and an amended version (amended as to be useless) was approved unanimously.

If only there was some chance of me winning a seat next May... Someone needs to clear up this mess.

 

Steal Bernard's watch. Good luck with the essay.

As for me, I only got 3-4 hours sleep. ;/ Surprisingly awake considering how little sleep I got.

 

What, the same 'outsourcing' as is done in the private sector, to a profit-making organisation? That still implies control over the service being provided; in the event of a breach of contract, it's possible to resume control. To put it in a business setting, a company might employ another to do their marketing for it, but in the event of the outsourcing firm not making their targets the first company can bring the operation back in-house because they still have ultimate control. Which is clearly what won't happen here. What they're doing is outright privatisation.

 

I think it's a thing with moms and daughters (and grandmothers) I went through an overweight phase in high school (you know when your hormones are going mad and you either turn into a young Christie Brinkley or a Yeti- I was a Yeti). And then again just after college when I got my first 'real' job and had to share a commune with a bunch of crazy people and comfort ate accordingly. I've lost about 45 pounds from when I was at my heaviest (which was still in a healthy BMI range) and I still feel fat around my mom. I don't even like eating in front of her if I can help it, not that I see her often. It's hard when the people closest to you are the ones who say the most hurtful things. I watch my boyfriend's mother with his sisters and she acts like they are all French supermodels, which I guess is how a mom is supposed to act. Whatever.

I know I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world, but the self-confidence I have now has been hard-won and it's something I'm sure you'll find as well. And when you do, it will be something that you earned for yourself, not something that someone just gave you. Try to forgive your mom, her heart is probably in the right place even if her words aren't and just work taking care of yourself. And get rid of that jacket or cut it up into something you can wear.

 

Geez, can't simply write my response in the quote. :/

 

Mein Gott...

- Couldn't go to sleep until midnight, slept for four hours.

- Woke up to my cat hacking up a hairball on my bed.

- Took my dog outside, dog decided to have a barking contest with another dog at FOUR IN THE MORNING!!! Didn't help that she's a selfish little doggie who takes great pleasure in ignoring me, so I had to go stop her before she woke up the entire neighborhood.

- Threw away a pear I thought was rotten, but it wasn't.

I can't win, can I? If you'll excuse me, I'm going to lock myself in a complete bare room and sit on the foor so that I don't continue screwing everything up... >____<