The Not Happy Thread

Wow. Thanks @above poster. It's not that bad. Hyperbole last sentence in my previous post. But sometimes I'm not asking for it. I'm helping myself to help. You cheered me up a bit. Maybe your post was brave? I'm pretty open about enough stuff and stuff online, so,.... yeah.

-Laura

Thanks for your prayers. You are in my thank you prayers.

 

Glad to hear it. I must admit, I was worried when I left.

After I posted to you I was going to put my computer on "sleep mode" when I got a PM and assumed it was you. It was from another member. Lots of parallels.

My wife and I left to go to the gym and coffee, but it's hard to feel like the day is yours when others might be in distress. The first thing I did when we got home was "wake up" the beast and check on everyone.

Finally this stupid computer was good for something, besides wasting time.

Thank you for responding and offering a prayer for me. That humbles me.

 

One thing that annoys me is when the town I live in does a lousy job of plowing and sanding the side roads during and after a winter storm dumps some snow and sleet.

 

I'm surprised, Mike. I thought Maine, of all places, would be equipped to handle New England winters. Or are the politicians grasping the pursestrings with a death grip?

 

Tired of not turning interviews into job offers. I'm obviously happy that I am getting interviews but it's nearing the point of being totally in despair. Oh well, hopefully I'll be successful soon. *fingers crossed*

 

I have to go on a business trip tomorrow to Georgia to install, test, and calibrate a control system. My partner is the lead engineer on this project, so I asked him, "How long will this take?" He said three days, four at the maximum. So I booked our travel for return on Saturday, which gives us four days. (We've installed systems like this for the same client, and we've usually done it in three days, and once in only a day and a half.)

So he prepared an email of our schedule for the client, listing SIX HARD DAYS OF WORK in Georgia, all spelled out in detail. I said, "What happened to four days, maximum?" He said, "Look at this schedule! You think you can do all this in four days?" I said, "You told me four days! We're booked for four days!" He said, "I never said that!"

Well, he did. I've worked with this guy for sixteen years. I know he said it and HE knows he said it, and now we're going to have to overstay our trip, bill more to the client than they were expecting, incur travel change fees, etc. etc. etc. and frankly I am pissed off.

I get stressed when I have to travel at the best of times, but when my partner screws with the schedule, it just drives my stress into the stratosphere. Ugh. I am NOT looking forward to Georgia.

 

Next time, ask for the travel estimate in an email. Tht way, you have a record of the question and the reply. Moreover, because there is a record, he will put more thought into the estimate up front.

For this trip, you can only make the best of it. Take the time to sample a good restaurant or two after hours and decompress a bit.

 

Mourning the loss of my photos that disappeared off my camera. I was outside for 2 hours taking pictures of the beautiful snow and some others to be used for my job.

I didn't wait long enough for my camera card to adjust to temperature...I'm so upset.

 

I wish I could give you a hug! I've lost pictures before and it is really upsetting.


I'm having a really rough time because my, now, yearly MRI is just around the corner. It will either be this coming friday or get bumped to early May depending on insurance issues. My pain issues and handicaps are a part of my daily life. I've grown mostly accustomed to it and accepted it as my new normal. I don't really worry all that much about the tumor returning or my spine having further issues until I get close to an MRI or other doctor's appointment that requires testing to see where things stand. My gut says it's over. I have a peace about it deep down. On the surface it's really difficult to let it go. I start obsessing and I feel like my life gets upended for a month or two before it then another month after it. The month after is trying to recover from my doctor consistently terrifying me with going into great detail about what may happen to my body in the future. I think he believes I don't take it seriously because I often shut down in the appointments while discussing it. I take it more seriously than I ought to. Being made to feel like I can never do enough to keep things going well does not incentivize me to try harder. It makes me want to give up on it all. The part of the appointment where he goes over the seriousness of bone damage brought on by radiation stresses me out almost as much as waiting for the results. I want to say something. I think I will because I don't feel like I can keep doing this. I don't feel a need to continually rehash things I already know and take very seriously. Weirdly I feel like twenty five is a magical age that has made me realize I'm an adult and I can take more charge in my life when things bother me. I don't want to be a jerk because I feel like I owe this doctor a lot for doing such an amazing job. I know he cares.. I think he cares too much. He seems to stress over it as much as I do. I'm already seeing two other doctors to check up on the things he is concerned about and wants to have monitored so I feel it's more than fair for me to say as much and say it stresses me out.

Talking about eating disorder stuff so I put spoiler tags on it in case it's triggering to anyone you won't see it.

Spoiler

Also, this may sound stupid, getting weighed is stressing me out a lot. I've had a rocky relationship with my body and food for a good part of my life. I've actually quit weighing myself because I would obsess so much. If I lost five lbs I'd treat myself like I'd won a nobel prize. If I gained five lbs I'd treat myself like I was the scum of the earth. I don't see the point in it. I understand medically weight is needed for dosing and such things. In my day to day life it's not something I have to know. My weight has been pretty stable for most of my life fluctuating by only 5-10 lbs at most one way or the other. I got pretty frail before my first surgery. I was in so much pain I couldn't eat, sleep, or even function properly. At the time I was happy not eating came so easily. I started to view food as being repulsive regardless of what it was. I lied about it so much so no one really knew what was going on. I convinced myself that if I occupied less space I would suddenly be more worthy of love and it would fix my problems. When I gained back the weight I lost during treatment I beat myself up over it for so long.

I'm finally starting to get to a place where I can embrace my body and appreciate it for what it's brought me through. I still have bad days with it now and then. So weighing myself can quickly become a slippery slope for me. Lately I've been obsessing over whether or not I will be lectured and told losing weight would be good for my spine. I've found myself struggling with how I view food again and finding it gross in general again. I am naturally bigger but I don't have a tremendous amount of fat on my body. I just have a bigger frame and I have muscles that bulk up quite a bit. I can talk to myself and be logical about it then the old thoughts creep back in and logic is out the window. The doctor only ever mentioned it once and never again. I haven't lost weight to speak but I've lost fat and gained muscle. Aside from the chronic pain and nerve damage I feel pretty healthy. I feel strong in all other areas in spite of the weakness I have in much of my body, if that makes sense. I feel better than I have in years mentally and physically. My body finally has a shape it didn't have before because my muscles were pretty decimated after everything they'd been through. I feel like my life finally has purpose again.

My problem is muscle weighs more than fat and I have a serious issue with obsessing over that number on the scale whatever it may be. I don't know how to address this to my mom or doctor without sounding like I'm sticking my head in the sand about my health. I feel like this is picking my battles and knowing when to back off of something. There comes a point where my mental health will impact my physical health if I don't keep it in check. I don't feel like restricting my eating is good or healthy. I'm thinking I will ask the nurse to just write down how much I weigh and then just pretend to look at it. I've had one do that before without me asking since my mom comes with me (you need moral support going into this sort of thing). I think if I just did that I could circumvent the issue without having to address it to someone who doesn't know me or the history of my mental health. Logically I know all things considered I am very healthy. I have a strong heart, good blood pressure, good cholesterol, normal blood sugar, etc. I just want to be able to view food as fuel and not as something that is bad and it's really terrifying me to feel like I'm slipping into that again.

All in all I'm am very ready for this to be over and done with. Sorry for the novel. It's been a rough couple of months for me.

 

Newcastle fans have been rioting because their football team lost a game. Stay classy Newcastle.

 

why aye man - looks like 2 more derbies next season, plenty of police overtime - the mackems are staying up!

 

Count your blessings. In North America, sometimes fans riot when their team WINS a game (if it's a championship game).

 

Grrrr banks and phone companies!!!!!!!!!

I hope this is aplace to rant otherwise don't read


In January I booked flights on Aerlingus.com, confirmation was prompt, everything fine. Remember that was back in January, flights aren't till June.

March 18th I get a bank statement - nothing remarkable - that account was in credit €138.

We haven't used the debit card or cheque book since, nor the atm.
Next statement due April 18th

Last Saturday we get a letter from the bank saying we are €161 overdrawn - wtf?
Before finishing reading the letter, our phone line was cut - wtf?

Tuesday we goosestepped to the bank (Banks are closed Mondays in France), and were told we were actually overdrawn €19 because they only just took the money for the flights we booked back in January - the other €142 were fees charged by the bank - approx €8.50 per day along with interest - every friggin day!

in the meanwhile the phone company went in search of their usual monthly direct debit but the bank refused. 16 months of perfect payments meant nothing to the phone company - without notice they cut the line.

So for a €19 overdraft, we payed €161 plus fines from the phone company after having no service for three days!


ARRRGGHHHH ok rant over!

 

This is an experience that was not at all uncommon in the US. It had gotten so bad that laws were passed limiting how banks can pile on the penalty fees. It's still not ideal, but it's less predatory than it used to be.

Both of my kids have fallen victim to this kind of fee avalanche in the past, amounting to much more than a couple hundred euros, and it took a long time to dig out from under it. You do have my sympathy.

 

April 19th...Day seven of naught but sleet and snow. Enough said...

 

Recently, my parents were about to get a divorce, but then my dad got cancer. He has stage 3 melanoma and they can't find the source. They've already removed a brain tumor the size of a ping-pong ball, and he went through 6 weeks of radiation, but just yesterday they found another small tumor on his thalamus, deep in the brain, un-operable. The doctors are not optimistic, but say there's a chance that they could zap it with heavy radiation.

I left grad school to come home and help out with the family, which switches from cook, to cleaner, to my father's chauffeur, to family therapist. There are so many unresolved issues between my parents, and they can't deal with it because the cancer gets in the way. It trickles down all too easily on my siblings and I. Everybody's mad at everyone else and no one is willing to go into real family therapy. My parents went in for a few sessions a while back, but now refuse to go back for what I think are selfish reasons. I'm doing the best I can to stay impartial to all the anger, but when it's directed at me unfairly, I get upset.

On the bright side, I have learned a whole lot about life. I have learned to believe in myself. I have learned that my girlfriend is the most amazing woman I have ever met. I have mended my relationships with my parents individually, and look forward to mending my relationship with my sister soon. I'm very lucky to have a brother with whom I've never had any serious conflicts with.

 

My sympathies go out to you and your family. I admire how you have reaped a lot of good from a difficult situation.

 

Thanks for your kind words

 

thats pretty shit, I love my dad, can't even imagine what you are going through - God bless your family

 

That sucks, man.

 

Sorry to hear about this, Funky.

 

I'm so sorry, Funky. Having recently had cancer strike awfully close to home, I understand how uncertain that is. I'm also sorry to hear about the conflicts you're dealing with.

On the cancer side of it, have you checked out Cancer Survivors Network? It's a fantastic place, both for you and your father (if he's amenable to that). It helps to know that other people are dealing with the same things. Also, there is a tremendous amount of support there. When I went through it last year I was able to find, not only support, but also treatments I didn't even know were available. Things the doctor's hadn't told me about. Tests that I needed, and ways to help my family deal with it. Luckily that's over with for me (at least for now) but if I get it again, that's where I'll be. There are a lot of great people, and I still go now and then.

If you ever need to talk you know my inbox is open (cause you used it ). I'm around, and always willing to listen. Best of luck to you and your family.

 

Ow! Funky, I feel for you. My own father died of melanoma in 2008. It's a nasty cancer. Take care of your family as best you can. Good luck.

 

Don't give up yet.

Five to ten years from now those odds will be much better. May the science be with you.

 

You sir, have an amazing amount of courage and fortitude. It's amazing you're seeing the good in the terrible. My condolences. You will be in my prayers.