The Not Happy Thread

We had a couple of days with family but now we're isolated in a hotel - American Airlines didn't know if they'd get us out by Saturday so we're booked on AerLingus tomorrow - not looking forward to the fight over who's paying

This new site is weird by the way

 

Sorry to hear that your journey's been delayed @erebh. I hope you can fly out soon.

 

Good luck, erebh! I'm sorry that your move is starting out with such difficulty. Hope everything starts going smoothly soon.

 

Stressing out as I learn how to deal with/cope in/manage a relationship with someone who has pretty severe borderline personality disorder. I love her, and it's worth it, but it's incredibly stressful. Right now she's going through some severe substance abuse issues and isolating me from her life, classic symptoms.

Also, for over a year I've been planning a 1000km hike and I'm supposed to leave in about 4 weeks, but not sure if I can go as people with BPD have severe abandonment issues. She says I should go, and I want to go, but others highly recommend I don't. It's my dream adventure.

 

Trying to cope with my new diagnosis of fibromyalgia. I'm glad that I finally know what's wrong with me, but at the same time I hate that there is something wrong with me. It's affecting my life in so many ways and I feel like I'm a huge burden on my girlfriend. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

 

That's a lot to deal with. Make sure you take care of yourself. I think that's often forgotten when you get wrapped up in the needs of someone else, and you're of no use to anyone if you don't take care of you. As far as the trip... You'll see, clearly, as it gets closer, how she's going to handle it. She may be alright, or she might not. It sounds like she wants to be okay with it... but the emotions, for her, probably won't set in until it's closer.

 

Been there (not fibro, something else). Just do your best, it's all you can do, and the people who love you will still love you. (hugs)

 

Honest opinion? You should cut bait and end the relationship. "Severe" drug problems mixed with mental disorders is something you simply can't fix, even with all the love and energy in the world. And even if she is one of the lucky exceptions and you manage that miracle, that shit takes years to get over. The mental, psychological, and physical toll it will take on you will be immense. It's not worth it.

I haven't known a single person, male or female, that stuck it through with an addict (nevermind a crazy one) and had it work out. They all regret the months and years of their life they had wasted.

You're in love and won't listen to me, but the best thing you can do is break up and recommend her a good treatment facility.

 

Oh no, that's terrible. My heart goes out to you, Jessica. While I can't divulge all the details here, I've dealt with something similar and trust me, if your girlfriend loves you, she doesn't perceive you as a burden, not ever, so please put that thought away -- it'll just poison you -- and focus on managing your condition.

Unfortunately this too is something I can relate to... I know the feeling of wanting to do something but being unable to because of someone else. Eventually, thanks to therapy, sigh, I learned to do things for myself too, and that's healthy. In the long run it's also healthier for the partner. If it's your dream adventure, you should do it 'cause you'll likely make your girlfriend feel even worse if you stay -- and then you'll likely take your bitterness out on her, making things even worse. BPD is quite treatable and doesn't have to limit your or her life so severely it actually destroys dreams. Also, relationships can withstand substance abuse and isolation too. It's tough, but it's doable, and it's worth it if you're in love.

Oh, and as an addendum, if done out of love, nothing ever goes to waste. At least that's what I've learned and that's how I feel.

 

While I agree with you on theory, I think he was venting, and has already made his choice. And calling someone with a mental illness 'crazy' is just full on disrespectful and speaks to the person you are, not them.

 

Are you one of those people that wants to call pedophiles "intergenerational sex enthusiasts"?

I know you mean well, but I feel like this is enabling advice. I have personally never known a single relationship that has withstood a serious drug problem from one of the sides. I'm sure they exist, but I feel confident in stating that they're very rare. I know what it's like being in love, but sometimes you have to make cold-blooded decisions with your head.

Is it worth putting yourself through that hell for a 5% chance that it turns out well, potentially years down the line?!

 

Awww. It's cute that you think you know me. *golf clap*. You're just proving my original point. Nice job.

They do exist, and I agree with KaTrian, entirely. If he can't handle it, he'll walk when he can't take it anymore. Different people have different limits, loyalties, and responsibilities that they can take on for themselves. Just because your tolerance is so low, and you think things are black and white, doesn't make it reality.

 

I get what you mean, and I agree, it seems to be rare, but I don't think it's rare because of the substance, it's rare because of the people. However, there're different substances, and some addictions are worse than others, and the outcome differs from person to person.
That's why I said it's worth fighting when in love. It's so worth it 'cause the best thing ever is being in love, as sappy as that may sound.

Yes, when done out of love, nothing ever goes to waste, and when done out of love, there's no regret -- in fact, it doesn't have to be hell all the time anyway.

Anyway, I'm quite sure my "advice" doesn't matter that much, I'm just another stranger. Like Trish pointed out, it was a vent-out, and nothing written here are likely to sway him, but sometimes a little sympathy helps, even if not concretely.

 

I didn't use "crazy" as a pejorative in my original post, just a synonym for "mental illness", which is the exact same thing. However, It's nice that you're serving as the PC language police, complete with glib admonishments.

Was your goal to derail the discussion from Selbbin's actual problem?

Now who is the one making assumptions and thinking they know the other person? I have actually stuck it out through several relationships (including my current one) when my friends and family told me to just leave it.

But hardcore drug addiction and craziness/mental illness is a different matter entirely. I've seen an awful lot of people endure a lot of misery and waste years of their lives because they thought their "tolerance" was so high, and end up exhausted, broken, and having to end it anyways.

Indeed, the substance in question is important. It can change the prognosis from "unlikely" to "virtually impossible".

I can only speak for myself, but I have regretted many things that I have done out of love.

And I think it can have a negative effect, as people will cling to a microscopic hope when the better, healthier choice is to move on.

 

It sounded like you were. If I'm the only one that thought so, I'm okay with that.

Thanks. I thought so.

Not at all. My goal was to point out that his girlfriend isn't crazy, she's going through something, and self-medicating with recreational drugs when you have a mental illness is incredibly common.

I'm happy for you, but I wasn't making assumptions. You said that he needed to cut bait, and listed all the reasons. Your own comments made you appear to have a low tolerance and clearly show the black/white aspect of your thinking.

It's not. And since you haven't been there, you can't really know. Seeing it from the sidelines is not at all the same as being in it. And being exhausted and broken at the end of it is a risk, always, but it doesn't mean it's not a worthy one.

I can agree with this.

As have I, but I've regretted far more that I failed to do out of love.

Certainly it can have a negative effect, but I'm sure that he's well aware of this. And you're only taking into account what's better for the person that isn't the one with the problem. Personally, I have never been in love and been able to put my needs so far above the other person's. But good on you if you can.

 

All I can say, ultimately you wouldn't have to regret them, 'cause you did them out of love. But that's just me

And you're entitled to think so, but I also hope people here can do better than take advice at face value from strangers. What's worked for me, may not work for another person. There's also the middle-ground where you can have your cake and eat it too, meaning take care of yourself while taking care of someone who really needs help and support, say, an addict, or a person with a debilitating illness, mental problems, or just a rough patch in life, etc.

 

No, it really isn't. Seriously, read that last part back to yourself. "Self-medicating with recreational drugs when you have a mental illness". That's a recipe for disaster.

A variation of the same common argument. (Obviously, far more politely stated by KaTrian)

But it misses the obvious; by not being in the thick of it, one can make a better, more rational assessment than someone deep in the throes of love.

You're certainly proud of your passive-aggressive little digs. While it's yet another, baseless, incorrect assumption, I fully admit that when it comes to drug addicts and mental problems, I am selfish enough to consider my own happiness, yes.

And since you seem so gung ho about this, I wonder; would your advice change if the issue was domestic abuse instead of drug abuse and insanity? Would you tell the man/woman to quit being selfish and consider the needs of the abuser?

 

A little less admonition, a little more sympathy (to paraphrase Elvis).

Of all the threads to become embroiled in a bitter struggle, this is the one I least want to see go downhill. It's here for support and commiseration, not recrimination and argument. I trust this argument will end now.

 

I agree. I normally don't offer advice, especially to strangers on the Internet, but in this case, Selbbin's post reminded me of a lot of friends who I saw going through an awful lot of shit in relationships for little to no reward. It was tough, and I hope he can avoid a similar fate.

 

I am back from the beach and now back to having no master bathroom. We needed to have it re-done, since our shower was leaking into our garage. I signed the contract for the work back in April, and they said it would take 1-2 weeks and they'd start in early to mid May. They started July 1. They work for a day and then don't come back the rest of the week. I see no end in sight. I'd really like to at least have a sink and a toilet back. *sigh*

I hate having to constantly ask them when they'll be coming back. I hate having all of our bathroom stuff in our bedroom. I hate having so much stuff everywhere that I can't access what I need.

 

Different strokes for different folks, I guess. In my case it was the thing to do.

I was diagnosed as having Bi Polar, co-morbid with Borderline Personality disorder, around twenty years ago. I have had three long term relationships, all deeply unsatisfactory, both for myself and my partners, although each ended on relatively good terms. After my last partner and I separated, I ended up hospitalised and heavily sedated with a lot of time for introspection. The split was his idea—I would never have suggested it, despite my unhappiness. He had reached the end of his tether and despite the fact that my BPD addled brain was screaming abandonment, I knew deep down that it wasn't in our best interests to continue. My guilt and his hurt would have always been a problem. It wasn't because we didn't love each other that we split. It was precisely because we loved each other that we did.

I am completely aware of what the conditions do to me and my behaviour. For myself, I can put up with the feelings of embarrassment when I uncontrollably act out, when a partner riles me for failing understand my actions for what they are. The crushing blow comes when I've calmed and I realise that by my very actions, I've made another human being feel less important and loved than they deserve to feel—the very person I purport to love the most—the very person I was screaming, "I hate you!" at only minutes before.

I despise that a relationship must adhere to certain rules so that I don't encounter a trigger that will send me spinning off into La La Land. Being in a relationship makes me feel like I'm being self-absorbed to my very core. It's an almost addictive need.

I started to consider that it might be an idea to try out going cold turkey and remaining single. I'd been in and out of one relationship or another since my teens and although the thought was initially terrifying, it just seemed to be the thing to try. Goodness knows, I'd tried just about everything else. I needed to learn to emotionally stand on my own two feet. To start with it felt like I was treading in deep water. I found myself actively seeking out rocks to cling to. But then, the more I realised I liked a guy, the less I wanted to open up that can of worms again. I could already envisage the look of hurt on his face, the look I'd put there. And that was enough.

I've never been happier. Learning to let go has been beneficial for me. Being in a relationship only amplifies my symptoms, and very often creates them. It's only since I accepted this that I've come to view myself as anything more than the sum of my own failings and inadequacies. I've started to feel like a whole person again, as clichéd as it sounds.

But as I say. Different strokes for different folks.

She says for you to go. You want to go. You've been advised against it. What to do?

You know what'll happen don't you? You know that the reaction will be beyond her control. From my side of the fence, the question I would pose is this: How many times can you deny yourself the things you want and need? There is only so much you can do on your own. You only have one life... live it. While being in love is a wonderful thing, you should not have to compromise the essence of who you are to maintain it. As with any relationship, compromises must be made, but please refrain from thinking that your needs and wants run second fiddle to your partner's.

How many opportunities can a person miss out on before resentment starts to raise it's ugly head?

 

Wow. Lots of responses to my venting. It's an interesting mix of suggestions and observations, all of which have been on my mind.

As much as I come across as a jerk around here, I'm quite a patient and caring individual and have my own moral objections to relationships being focused only what is best for oneself. I'm a caregiver by nature, since I was young and protected kids that were bullied, or made friends with the loners at summer camp. But yes, you do still need to look after yourself. She fears abandonment and the illness is self-fulfilling, with the fear of abandonment and rejection creating exactly that by her behaviour driving people away. As a person that genuinly loves her that's something I want to avoid. When she is not overcome with sensations of loneliness and sadness, she is a wonderful, warm, caring and loving person. I won't get into more details or start a discussion here, that would suit a new thread, but it has been interesting to read the various thoughts, of which all make sense, including those of abandonment for a healthy self-life.

 

...

Not every loving relationship is one that enables. Some sick and even sick addicted people get better.

After reading the rest of the threads, I'll leave it at that.

 

If only you would have read a sentence past that quote, instead of immediately firing off a response;

""Severe" drug problems mixed with mental disorders is something you simply can't fix, even with all the love and energy in the world."

Also from that same post;

"And even if she is one of the lucky exceptions and you manage that miracle, that shit takes years to get over."

 

I understand all of that. I'm much the same way, or have been. As I said in the original post I made (before the drama, lol) just make sure you take care of you. I wish you the best.