The Not Happy Thread

I'm pretty sure her substance abuse (alcohol, pot, and crystal meth) will never be fully contained, but she was sober for almost 2 years so it can be suppressed. The best thing to do is try and minimize the use, and also the exploitation and negative influence of others. By being supportive self-harm can be prevented. We all need love, even those with weaknesses, and the love she gives me in return is often, but not always, fulfilling. And it looks like I'll be walking after all. Anyway, I've hijacked this thread enough...

 

Yikes! The alcohol and pot are treatable, but crystal meth is something that she will have a craving for as long as she lives, even if she kicks the habit. Has she been to rehab before?

So you've already resigned yourself to her occasionally using meth? Are you fine with dealing this for the rest of your life?

Has she inflicted self-harm in the past?

 

Good luck, Selbbin. You're in a tough situation, but you have to do what is best for you. Especially because from my recollection, you're relatively young, and you have never given any indication that you have kids. I don't know if you ever plan on having any, but if you do, that would change a lot of the considerations.

And FWIW, I have never thought that you came across as a "jerk."

 

Very true. Yeah, she's been to rehab while I've known her, and many times before. The problem is that's where she meets people that eventually help bring her back into the culture.

The possibility is a reality I need to come to terms with. The rest of my life? Don't know. Taking it as it comes. It depends how damaging occasional use will be. As a total non drug user, Ice scares the hell out of me, but she seems more tolerant than most. If I have to walk I'll walk, but that's something I'd rather avoid.

A lot. Luckily she doesn't physically self harm now and hasn't for a long time. Now it's just substances. That's kind of what I meant by self harm.

 

Today I was annoyed because I went to a library to work on the internet, only to have none of the computers there being able to connect to the internet.

Oh, well. It wasn't a huge problem.

 

I read your post, IronPalm, and everyone else's. My comment is the same. Love that cares unconditionally for an ill loved one is not limited to blood relatives. Would you suggest everyone abandon everyone with severe problems?

Yes, there can be a time to leave, there is a time for parents to change the locks and cut the ties. But it's not a matter of saving yourself. It's a matter of no longer doing the person any good by staying or if the harm to oneself becomes to much to handle, and then one should leave or change the locks, not pay the bail, not fix the damages, yes, and without feeling guilty about it.

It doesn't change my reply to your post that I read as only looking at one's self interest as if one can just turn love off or you should just abandon a person. You should leave when staying is making things worse and that typically involves enabling. And you should leave if you fall out of love, it's not something a person should feel guilty about, or you are suffering too much damage and you need to get out of the situation.

But people with severe disease, be it addiction or mental illness or both combined are ill. Would you abandon a sick child because they are not likely to get better? Of course not. Except you might if it was because you were making them worse, or you could not stay without serious harm to yourself.

 

@GingerCoffee

I agree with your statement that caring unconditionally for a loved one is not only to those that are blood related to you and unfortunately I have an example of why though, when things get tough even the closest people to you will sometimes give up.

I had been with my fiance for 15 years and recently we had managed to eventually move in together again (I had to work abroad for 3 years) and had started a family. Unfortunately at this time my diabetes took a turn for the worse and without any warning my blood glucose began to rocket.

Now I am not saying this is as bad or serious as someone who is suffering from addiction etc as has been mentioned previously, but I know that I became increasingly difficult to live with. I would constantly find things she did irritating for no reason, would becaome angry and the drop of a hat and constantly started picking at her to start arguments and my depression spiralled out of control. Deep down I knew this was wrong but somehow couldn't stop myself.

Obviously I sought help from the docs and found out that due to my diet being pretty strict and the dosage of my tablets being fairly high I would have to start insulin.

This process was a long road to a better me so to speak and I had to constantly adjust the amount of insulin I was injecting to work out the units I needed to control my levels. This resulted in me suffering from several hypos and I became tired and even more irritable.

My partner had started staying away more and more, not returning until it was time for our daughters bedtime and then going straight to bed herself. I knew things were falling apart so I even enrolled on a low mood course and sought counselling for my anger. However, these did not really help and the docs constantly told both of us that this type of behaviour was common for a badly controlled diabetic and things would get better once things were under control.

She never accepted this and constantly blamed me for everything that was going wrong, accusing me of not wanting to get better. Anyway, to cut a long story short, she left, took my daughter with her and now we are fighting in court as I want decent access to my daughter.

Sod's law also states that within a month of her leaving, my control improved as I got to grips with the insulin and I am proud to own two medical reports that have stated that I have excellent diabetic control with my diabetic nurse going so far as to say I had perfect diabetic control, even my cholesterol had dropped below 4 and my weight had dropped a bit back to my old weight.

So to make my long winded point, I believe my ex did love me unconditionally once but when things got difficult she stood by me for as long as she could but eventually she couldn't cope with my illness and no longer wanted to support me let alone stay with me.

The upsetting thing is she will now rarely communicate with me and is trying to prevent me having access to my daughter even though she has told CAFCASS I am a more than capable and loving father. Therefore, props to anyone that is standing by someone they care for through trying times, in all honesty, I wish my ex had been the same way inclined.

 

That's a sad and unfortunate story (I can only commiserate in a small way, as I had an ex-girlfriend whose love was transient, and who ceased communication when things became more difficult, but we weren't living together nor did we have kids), but it's a completely apples and oranges comparison.

In one instance, you had a temporary problem because of a medical condition that you had no control over.

In the other instance, Selbbin's girlfriends has a permanent problem because of a decision she made.

You might as well equate getting hurt in a car accident and having to stay at a hospital to someone being incarcerated for murder, and argue that dumping them in either situation is wrong, and one should just "stand by them".

It's also curious that no one has answered my question on the last page. Would your advice change if the issue was domestic abuse instead of drug abuse and insanity?

 

I didn't answer any of your questions from that post because Dante Dases asked for us to let it go, so I did. Clearly, no one else has so what the hell. She's not insane, drug abuse doesn't make her insane and neither do her mental issues. You're just trying to rile people up with that, and it's annoying. She has an illness, whether that's because of a decision or not, she's still sick. Both sides can be played equally well - your car accident comparison is great, unless you want to decide whether or not they deserve sympathy dependent upon whether they were headed to work, being a good little soldier, or whether or not they were heading out to a bar after leaving the kids at home, which, it seems, would make that a choice fueled by the need to socialize and drink. It's a rabbit hole I don't care to fall into at the moment.

As far as saying the same thing about an abuser - No. If someone just wants to kick your ass every two minutes for redundant, pointless shit, with no care for you, then they're an asshole and you're better off without them. It's rarely so simple, but I'll buy that snake oil. On the other hand if they have a mental condition, like a child with a disorder that limits impulse control, critical thinking, and empathy, well - that's another situation all together. You still don't want to get hit, no one really does, but when they really don't know what they're doing until it's too late, and you love them, you're going to try to help them until self-preservation kicks in - if it gets that bad. Ginger Coffee covered the rest. It's not all black and white.

 

@Mauthos
That's a bummer, I glad you are better physically. Do you think the decrease in your stress after you split up might have helped you gain control of the diabetes? Hormones released with stress interfere with blood glucose stability.
It's unfortunate your ex would interfere with your relationship with your daughter. That hurts you and your daughter. Hopefully the UK laws will help you.

Edited after seeing Wrey's post. I really should learn to look ahead before answering posts.

But I will leave this one part in because my post continues to be only partially read:

My post was in reply to the comments that one should leave a loved one who had serious problems. It struck me as saying "for better but not for worse". It may not have been meant that way but it's what I thought when I read it and that's what I was responding to.

But that is not all I said. I said there were times one had to split up, if staying was harming either person. When a loved one tries to help a person with addiction problems they can easily end up enabling the person. One needs to cut some of the ties in order to help the person, such as not bailing them out of jail, not giving them money, even changing the locks on the doors and kicking them out.

So I never said one should always stay in every situation when a drug problem was involved.

 

To be honest my comment was nothing to do with the other it was really just to highlight GingerCoffee's statement regarding that unconditional love doesn't have to only apply to blood relatives.

I do agree that a problem you caused yourself is different from a problem you have no control over.

My apologies if my comment was misunderstood in anyway.

 

This thread has been hijacked by this one conversation. I have no problem with the having of the conversation itself, but it needs to be in its own thread. Subsequent posts in furtherance of this topic, within this thread, at this time, WILL BE DELETED.

 

I agree with Wreybies. If you guys want to carry on this conversation, please start a separate thread for it. This thread is too useful to be hijacked by this one topic.

 

I've been away from the forums for a while because I haven't had much of a mojo for writing, and now that I'm back I'm having a little trouble getting used to the new format. It is nice though... I just feel like I've missed out on a lot and might have trouble rejoining the community. Being on here has a way of making me feel naive or unwelcome, to say the least.

 

It's not easy re assimilating now that my status has dropped back to new member. Ah well. maybe I'm just whining. Forgive me

 

Don't worry, Andrae. Most of us are back to being "New Members." Daniel is working his little cotton socks off to get these niggles sorted out. Better him than me!

 

I just want to be able to post stories
.. and read some new ones

 

In that case I'll try not to worry ha ha!

 

Just read through the German family homeschooling thread. Some people seriously depress me. As a former homeschooler and currently studying for my teacher's degree, I'd liked to have given my opinion. Unfortunately (but I guess it was for the best) the thread is closed.

 

OMG, first the toe, now my finger. I tripped, again the cluttered house which is temporarily worse because my son's been helping me get more stuff listed on EBay. Usually I don't fall, but I did and I think I ripped the tendon or broke the bone near the joint in my ring finger. The pain's not bad but I can't bend it and I don't know how badly it's damaged. I made an appt. for Monday so I wouldn't have to spend hours in Rapid Care. Bah! It's hard to do stuff. Fortunately I can still type.

 

Oh my gosh, that sounds awful! I hope they can get you all fixed up soon. If fingers start healing without getting straightened out, things can get pretty uncomfortable.

 

This kind of thing happened to me on the middle finger of my right hand about twelve years ago. I didn't realize at the time how bad it was and I never got it looked at by a medical professional, but I must have broken it. The pain didn't completely go away for nearly a year, and to this day I can't bend it properly at the first joint - makes it tough to make a fist. I'm glad it wasn't my left hand; if it was, my guitar playing days might be over!

I hope it turns out not to be serious. Best of luck!

 

I just bought a splint for it that fits better than the tongue depressor I was using. But I already caught the thing on something and it yanked the finger. I'm going to have to learn to be careful with it.

 

Aarrrgh! So much for my little splint. The clinic applied this huge cast (they say it's a splint but it's made of fiberglass and doesn't come off) and it's bumping into the arrow keys when I try to type. And I can't left click the mouse with my mouse hand. And I had to turn the ignition key on with my left hand. And I can't take a shower very easily. This sucks!

 

I've been reading about it now that I have a proper diagnosis and it is a dangerous fracture because it seems minor but it can result in your finger function not coming back properly. I have a Boutonniere Deformity which means the distal finger joint bends up and I cannot bend my fingertip at all since the tendon is no longer properly attached to the next joint down. Good thing I went in, I just hope they can fix it without surgery.