The Not Happy Thread

Hey, when I'm being weird, it involves llamas, not homocidal antelopes. Do not drag me into this nonsense.

 

More than twenty killed in a church in Texas today. Pisses me off when people attack others for stupid reasons. Our dislike for one another shouldn't incite us to violence.

 

My mom recently had to effectively move in with her parents to help take care of them while my grandpa recovers from surgery. It's driving her up the wall - she and her dad don't get along that well - but on the selfish side of things, I've ended up being her main source to vent to (hurray for being a good listener by virtue of just ... not talking). I met up with her for lunch today to give her a reason to get out of the house, and spent most of it listening to her repeating Fox News Brand Bullshit(tm) because it's on constantly over there. I love my family, I swear I do, but only when we talk about literally anything but political issues. And considering the stress she's under now, it's not the best time to argue over shit that doesn't actually matter to our day-to-day lives, so I just have to keep my mouth shut and 'mm-hm' and 'hmm?' when appropriate.

If y'all hear about a triple homicide in SC, there's good chances one or all of us snapped and took the rest down with'em

 

You have my sympathy, my empathy, and my assistance hiding the bodies a hug if you need it.

 

Internet forum posts are legally-binding even stricken through, y'know. No takebacks

 

I don't want to adult.

 

I’ll help you hide the bodies. <gathers his squad of orca whales and swims to the shores of South Carolina>

 

It seems like every year I get a shit ton of mail regarding my medical coverage, and I'd have an easier time deciphering Stargate hieroglyphs than the bullshit the government sends out. I've got letters telling me about $400 premiums and $11.35 prescriptions and $36 deductibles and part D is covered but it's not and please sacrifice 7.89 Mongolian goats and the left half a virgin to keep your coverage, or stick a dull wooden spoon up your ass and dance a jig if you want to change plans.

So hurrah for Pall Mall and amaretto with Guiness, boo-hiss for my abstinence from tobacco and getting hammered. I am so not going to be sober when I call these assholes today to sort this shit out. Of course it's not the phone rep's fault so I won't take it out on them, but I'd like to get my hands on the goat-fucking ass nugget who "organizes" this pluperfect clusterfuck.

 

I know exactly how you feel, checking over my statements it looks like Amazon is playing a little game of three card monty with me, and I've been left holding a bill for an item that has never, and will never, arrive. However, I've got a cold from hell tonight, so I'm off to bed and will use their skulls for bongos tomorrow.

 

My bank have decided that rather than charging a lump sum for any overdraft charges, at the start of each month, they're going to take it on a daily basis, based on how much 'into' your O/D you are. This doesn't really make any difference to my finances, as how much I pay over the month is going to stay roughly the same. But what it does mean, is that when I need to check my statement online, I'm going to have to wade through page after page of:

11 November O/D Charge - 0.15p
10 November O/D Charge - 0.12p
9 November O/D Charge - 0.12p
8 November O/D Charge - 0.12p
7 November O/D Charge - 0.11p
6 November O/D Charge - 0.10p

to get to the details and transactions I actually need

 

It's not that daft an idea (you'll have to turn the sound up)

 

One of my colleagues has, yet again, come into work wearing sweat pants and filthy trainers (gym shoes). While I recognize that not everyone shares my enthusiasm for clothes, we are professors at a university. The Japanese faculty all wear suits, or, at a minimum, blazers/sport coats and slacks. The tenure-track foreign professors have a slightly more relaxed standard, tending towards khakis or dark blue jeans and collared shirts, but far too many of my peers seem to think that the absence of a dress code entitles them to audition for a spot on "People of Wal-Mart" while at work.

 

He's dressing for the job he wants ... unemployment.

 

That's the job I dress for, too. On a day like this, it can't come soon enough!

 

If I dressed for the job I want, I'd probably be wearing a space suit. Or maybe Thor's formal getup for when he has an audience with Odin: big, billowy red cape, intimidating hammer, Viking helmet, etc.

The job I don't want to dress for? Male porn star. Or "artist's model", if you want to be more polite about it.

 

So where does this fall on the Thor / "artist's model" scale? It's got the billowy red cape, swapped out the hammer for a spear, and traded in the Viking horns for a red Mohawk. However, other than the cape and helmet, the attire is in pretty close to "artist's model" category.

 

Me dressing for the job I want:

 

When I said "artist's model," I had in mind a male nude, like whoever might have modeled for Michelangelo's David. The attire you showed in the pic (that's King Leonides, from 300, isn't it?) is not what I would consider in the artist's model category.

I was kinda making a joke. Porn star = nude, artist's model = nude. I was trying (not very hard) to picture Ron Jeremy modeling for David. My joke seems to have missed if it requires this much explanation. Sorry.

 

No, I got it, I just was looking for something in the middle of nude vs Thor.

And the Hedgehog modeling for Michelangelo is a truly terrifiying concept, thanks for that.

 

My wife went and got a new router from the cable company today...I didn't know there was anything wrong with the one we had.
She made changes to our service so now instead of 200 channels to not watch, we have 300. We can only watch one at a time and it's always the same four or five channels we pick from to watch.
She canceled our phone service... I didn't know we had phone service. Then she tells me we have to return the phone to get our deposit back or pay for it, so find it. I didn't know we had phone service. I have no idea where this phone is- we've never had a phone hooked up in the house. The best my wife can tell me is 'it's in the box'. Okay, what box? I ask. The box it came in, she says. And where might that box be? I ask her. Oh,it's where ever you put it, she says. I didn't even know we had phone service, I don't know where this phone is, I don't know what it looks like. The only phone I know of is an old rotary dial wall phone that was here when we moved in. It is an antique, I don't suppose the cable company will take a trade, maybe it's worth something.

 

This is approaching flash fiction, or, with different line breaks, poetry.

Perhaps standup comedy.

Anyway, good luck with the phone, and I hope not watching those extra hundred channels isn't too tiring.

 

Things not to say to the disabled guy using the electric cart at the grocery store:

"What's the matter? You break a leg or something?"

"Could you put the cart away? Some people actually, you know, need it."

I'm not going to tear anyone a new one for their ignorance, but it does pluck my feathers a bit.

 

Laugh away, she's starting to get violent about it. No matter how much she insists I do, I don't know anything about this damn phone. I've started hiding sharp objects and stabing implements.

 

Why, when you tell someone you're scared of flying, do they think it helps by quoting statistics at you like, 'You're far more likely to die crossing the road' ?

Yes, but when I'm crossing the road I'm not travelling across the sky at 50,000 feet in a fucking giant Smartie tube, am I?!!