The Not Happy Thread

I was woken up last night be a demonic growl in my ear. There was nothing there. My cats weren't in the room, but even if they were, neither of them can make a sound like that.

I assume it was some mild form of sleep paralysis but yeah... a bit disconcerting!

 

Got in to the shop today and we have no water; the pipes are frozen. There's not much to do about it until it warms up a bit.

 

Weirdest thing:

I woke up anxious. But not logically anxious for any specific thing—just the feeling of anxiety.

It hasn't gone away.

Now my chest feels like it's constricting and collapsing on itself. My heart is racing and I'm irrationally afraid & feel like I am ready to legit just sprint but for absolutely no reason.

I'm breathing fine and I'm not trembling, so I don't think it's a panic attack.

But I am absolutely at my wits end why I am feeling like this and why it isn't going away.

And now I've started crying but I also don't know why.

It's so frustrating and ridiculous.

 

Sometimes something similar will happen to me after a nightmare. I'll wake up feeling really anxious, although my heart doesn't race or anything like that, and then it'll go away after a couple of minutes.

 

Sound like some adrenal dysfunction.

 

I'm doing my yearly serious all-over peel to get rid of accumulated freckles, age spots and etc. It's the real deal, the heavy duty stuff that doctors use and that really works, so it stings like hell. Now I'll have to stay home for at least a week. But guess I can't complain too much since it is optional.

Ah, the face and hands are done so that's all until tomorrow's torture session. Maybe this paragraph should go in the Happy Thread, though.

 

Dear Live-Spam Agents,

I assume you have children to feed, hence the reason you’re sitting behind an actual keyboard inserting spam into forums like a complete dickhole, otherwise I’d be making a post wherein I let you know about a very particular set of skills I possess.

Yeah, you know the scene.

Thanks,
Me

 

Nor will his ability to repair old fountain pens. Still, nice try.

 

My apartment is freezing, I haven't written a word this year and someone is painfully obviously not that into me.
Fuck of, 2018

 

This is more of a bittersweet situation for me.

I left the site I was talking about in previous posts. While I think it'll be good for me, at the same time I absolutely hate leaving stories unfinished and I feel immensely guilt over doing that. But, at the same time, my writing has been lackluster and that's doing my writing partners a disservice. Maybe, when I'm in a better place, I can come back, but we'll see.

 

Last year was hellish, and I'm glad to rid myself of it. However, its like a nagging ex that wants to hang on until it takes my sanity with it. I was embroiled in a court battle for the past two years for my grandchildren who had been apprehended from my daughter-in-law. My Dad ended up in emergency to have surgery, my husband lost his job, and then they figure I had a heart attack at the end of September. I've been through a number of tests which aren't conclusive and they discovered a tumor which needs to be removed from my chest.. This will take place on January 23. On the same day they informed me I had a tumor that needed to come out, my husbands uncle was diagnosed with inoperable esophageal cancer, and he's not expected to live through the month of January. Yet not all is horror. Dad's recovering okay, the court case FINALLY wrapped up, and my husband found something temporary. I don't feel like I'm dying any more. Yet, I just keep thinking, when is the other boot going to drop. I've been living in the bad to worse for a number of years and I'd like to know when my boat is coming in. I'd like to be at the dock instead of the airport, as per usual.

 

This doesn't entirely belong under the category "not happy", but I just had to share.

A girl contacted my out of the blue today. Wrote back because "why not". Easy to talk to and all that... though she did seem a bit... demanding? Controlling? Did she just try to guilt trip me into sending her nudes? Like the hell! Writing a few hours and it sort of feels like a really demanding and unhealthy relationship with jealousy and everything. She even tried negging.

ETA: The worst part was the "you can trust me", "you can tell me anything", "this all just stays between the two of us" - I didn't doubt any of those until you started to write those sentences over and over... it's really creepy.

I kept it up because it amused me. Like a morbid fascination. I just feel so bad for all those people who get stuck in relationships that actually are like this.

 

Memo to self: there's a reason that store-brand soup is fifty-nine cents a can.

 

There is times when they cheap things are better than the expensive ones! Doesn't happen a lot, though...

 

Yup:

 

Yeah, so I totally hate it when reality comes crashing back at me and I realize I may be the stupidest writer, writing the stupidest things.

 

After looking at my one rev earlier on my first book, I feel ya.

 

It's such an emotional rollercoaster and I think I keep puking up my self worth.

 

"American Pie" by Don McLean just popped up in the youtube rotation and I realized that he said "but Feb-you-airy made me shiver..."

In my memory, he pronounced it correctly.