The Not Happy Thread

She sounds like a leech, sucking the joy out of your life. You didn't sign up to her schedule and you organised your life to suit your circumstances. At some point you need to recognise that you're being used and your charity abused.

I recommend that you set an end date and let her know that after that she needs to make other plans. That way you can get your life back. Be kind but firm.

 

Thanks for the advice.
And yeah, she's not my problem, she's an adult, but I guess it's difficult to not help cos her fear of losing her job is so real, and I know she's supporting her hubby as well, putting a lot more pressure on her, (I was privy to a conversation that could not have been feasibly faked) even though he technically works. He's just super indebted. And I'm like, it feels morally wrong not to support her cos even though it's draining me, in comparison I'm doing pretty ok. She has diabetes cos she's badly overweight. The weight is putting a strain on her back. Her hubby is unable to support her. Her children are completely useless. That's a lot to deal with, and I don't want to make things worse for her.

 

I live with a chronic illness, and you're taking on way too much. Talk to her once more, and if that doesn't work, go over her head and have a talk with the daughter. Tell her you've been helping her mother out but that it's hard for you because your own husband has issues that need to be cared for. Set a deadline for the transition, as opposed to going cold turkey. With a back injury, the walking involved with public transportation might be difficult, so they're going to have to schedule differently.

It may be that she doesn't know how to strategize and feels overwhelmed (which I imagine the pain meds and a messed up flight or fight system from the injury would contribute to), so perhaps you could sit down with her and help her figure out a schedule and strategies that lessen your involvement. Is there grocery delivery in your area? If so, show her how to use the app, for example.

If the above makes you feel guilty and is hard for you, choose one task (grocery shopping once a week for example, or taking her to work a couple of times a week), but not all the tasks. Her family should be stepping up, or she needs to figure out how to strategize.

 

@Alan Aspie is right.

I often turn mole hills into mountains. Equally, in the right circumstances, mountains can become mole hills.

Emotional energy is the key to everything and it's not easy to top up the tank and get moving.

We're all different and we all have emotional and motivational issues. Remember that those people that breeze through issues that would stop you dead probably have no inkling of the toll their tasks take on you. If they had those burdens, they probably wouldn't succeed either.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Be the best you that you can be. Overcome your own issues step by step and give yourself a pat on the back knowing you're a better you every day.

 

This is good advice, thank you. Yes, there's a supermarket that delivers but again, the money's tight so she wouldn't want to pay for the delivery. Furthermore, she'd still have to go to the first floor to open the front door cos she lives in a locked apartment building.

I actually already gave her a dead line, but she's not really accepting it, arguing she doesn't know what to do if I don't help her out. It's a good idea to sit down, and also explore the ways her daughter could help. It's a pretty weird family, tbh. Like none of them seem to have their shit together. I guess the biggest challenge for me will be expressing why I can't be there for her as much as she'd like cos when she pulls the "I will lose my job" -card or "We don't have food in the fridge" -card, I start crumbling.

 

At the end of the day you are the person you have to take care of, not a co-worker who is just taking advantage of you at this point.

I get that it feels like it's on you now, and of course you don't want her to lose her job, but you have to know when to let go. I don't know how to do it in a good way, maybe Shenanigator's suggestion of helping out a bit - but less - would work? Then again it sounds like she's already taken you too much for granted so I personally would rather just stop completely. Then again morality isn't my strong suit...

I think unless you change something you're just going to feel more drained, more guilty that you want to stop and it's just not going to be good for you. And like I started the post with - YOU are the one you have to take care off above all.

 

Feel like crap for not talking to my lady today.
Got busy with crap around the house, and had to
help install a faucet in a sink.

I hope she won't be upset with me, for not having the
time I thought I would have to spend talking to her.

 

Write her a story?

 

Well I sent a couple PMs addressing the issue of the day.
IDK what to write story wise.

 

This person sounds like she specialises in guilting vulnerable others to do her bidding. Recognise that you've been kind to her and put yourself out over a protracted period for a virtual stranger.

Also recognise the strain this charity is causing you. Charity starts at home. She's got family to help her. You also have your own family to look after.

Recognise when enough is enough and cut ties. When she tries to guilt trip you remember that helping her isn't your responsibility and recognise the toll it's taking on you and your relationships.

Don't cave in and don't let her draw you back into her web, even a little bit, once you've severed the link.

 

That's a good point.
Honestly, I don't think she'd even want to spend with me if I wasn't useful to her.

 

You're welcome. I agree with the others in that you need to set limits. You're overwhelmed and need to take care of yourself and your husband. But I'm also taking into account she's a co-worker, which adds another layer that has to be handled with care.

There's also, frankly, the fact that you, quote, "promised to drive her until she can quit the drugs." So you don't want to be that person who offers to do something and pulls a disappearing act. Were you to do that, seeing each other at the office would be really awkward. So helping her get strategies in place or finding some sort of compromise so your needs are met and you're not so overwhelmed is important. You strike me as a kind person whose integrity is important, so maybe doing it that way also might help you feel less guilty.

As to the "I will lose my job" say, "Nobody wants that. That's why I want to help you work out some strategies" / "drive you to work twice a week" (or in whatever way you're comfortable with so your needs are met while maintaining your integrity).

As to the groceries, perhaps you could work it out in advance that she goes with you when you buy your own so it's not as much of an extra chore? Just make it clear that your husband needs you, you have a lot on your plate so it works better for you this way. ETA: But definitely get the daughter to help out, regardless, because no matter how you do it, it can't go on forever, and she needs to step up.

 

Damn it... as I get closer to my self-imposed published date (Rough the first week of Feb). I am starting to get that pesky Imposter Syndrome and the fears that come with it. "What if... i'm not good. my story is no good. Maybe I am not a writer. and it doesnt' help that I keep having to do revision after revision. ARgh!!!!!"

 

Usually you can't help anyone. Mostly it is impossible.

But... You can help people to help themselves.

If they don't do it, all your helping turns upside down. It helps them to stay helpless.

She sounds manipulative. If she is - be careful. If she is - make distance and keep it.

You can start by taking care that you give your time when it suits you, not when it suits her. If she can't or will not deal with that - it's not your problem.

I know someone who is all the time "really sick". Or.. she is babbling about it all the time. (If I can't avoid her.) Maybe she is, maybe not. I don't know. But I do know that pointing that all the time is part of her manipulation tricks.

She needs to have a lot of priviledges. Everything must be about her. Others must do. She must have the right to decide, even micromanager things. And she takes that micromanaging to the level where it makes you impossible to fulfil what you have promised. Then she can really grab you...

I don't know is your co-worker manipulative or not. Study it. Seek for signs and features. If she is, then study narcism. Learn how to deal with it.

If she is manipulative, there will be flying monkeys around you. Spot them and keep distance to them.

 

@big soft moose @Shenanigator @Alan Aspie Thank you guys, I already feel more confident and better equipped to shake this cat out of the bag when I meet her tomorrow. I did tell her I'm not coming to the office on Friday (if I have a project that requires deep focus, I prefer to work from home) and I could see she was panicking slightly cos now she has to ask someone else to drive her around. I felt bad, but I hope she will work it out somehow.

 

You are wellcome.

I'll PM you in Finnish.

 

That is called manipulative controlling.

She is unbalancing you. Pull towards guilt. Pull towards empathy and sympathy. Pull towards...

You have been training in dojo? So you know this: Sharp pull to the left. Sharp pull to the right. Throw.

Try to see the situation through this:

1. Pay attention to what she wants.

2. Pay attention to what se does to get it.

3. Pay attention to how she reacts when she can't get what she wants.

4. Pay attention to how she respects (or not) your personal borders and territory inside them.

If she talks to you like if she was intentionally misunderstanding your words to put your position under hers, then you should study these:
- Projection.
- Projective identification.

 

I missed you, but I know you had other things to do. I still love you, busy or not. That won't change, and I am not upset.
If anything, I find you even more amazing.

 

Thanks, BSM.

 

I can't really add much more since everyone else has already did a great job, but I just wanted to reaffirm that no... you are not being selfish. It's nice to help someone out, but help has a limit and she is clearly talking advantage of your generosity. Everyone has their limit, plus you have your own family to take care of and she has her own relatives.

Just from what I read, she doesn't sound like a very nice person. I can't stand people who take advantage of other people in this way.

 

My University in Nova Scotia is looking for lobster technicians, which is a job I actually really enjoyed, but I'm stuck in Ontario until after the job officially starts.

 

University... Canada... Lobsters....

Why don't you ask Jordan Peterson?

If you can get yourself in contact with him, you can tell him this:

Conservative creativity is not as rare as it looks if you think it through big five. It just looks rare because it is not often recognised.

There are several forms of openness. Part of them are all the time bypassed. Noticing these bypassed forms of openness would make some of conservative creativity more visible. And that would partly reform our understanding of creativity.

That sounds fool but it is valid.

 

I lost my digital camera last Monday, and it's showing no signs so far of turning up. I know where I lost it, and I have text 3 people who work there and gone there in person too. I'm gutted, as I don't know if I will be able to replace it before I go to AZ.