The Not Happy Thread

I just found out my primary school / elementary school I attended closed in 2007 and is now a children's hospital.

IDK why this bums me out, guess I can't live in the past anyway, and whatever else, nothing'll take away my childhood memories I had there. Same with family who's now not around or in the twilight of their life.

Still, finding out that that school is no more, and this field they had is now a bigger car park / parking lot (they extended the one they had back in my day) and there are downed trees covering what's left of that field; such a shame.
https://www.get-information-schools.service.gov.uk/Establishments/Establishment/Details/101782

I was browsing the internet and stumbled into a near by housing development and couldn't find my school on Google Maps so I went into street view and saw how it changed and did a little research.

 

"Remember, I was present during the mass unexplained undersea sponge migration!"
- Ghostbusters

 

I really should avoid Twitter, it's good at making me mad. But there's a growing argument about whether or not 'orcs' are a racist trope and I just... God.

 

There are certain... people who try to argue that orcs are coded to be the fantasy equivalent of black people and use old timey racist reasoning for why orcs act as they do (e.g it is in their nature/blood to be evil).

The fact that these people assume that orcs are coded to be like black people says more about them then it does about any fantasy author.

I dunno, it just feels like people trying to stir up trouble where it doesn't exist and cause a big stink.

 

I've not seen my fiance for over 14 months, and I've not been able to video call him for at least 2 months.
I think I'm understanding why my phone credit is evaporating lately.

 

I read that criticism of LOTR. It's basically critiqued as racist since the 'race' of orcs are all evil and The Hobbits are all basically good.

I didn't feel that way when I watched the movies. I thought the orcs were all under the spell of evil created by Saruman. However, I can see the argument that it's morally black and white (maybe not the right expression to use here).

 

Downside being the inevitable evil tummy that followed. Cue a lot of water drinking, gum chewing, and removing anything that looked like food from my line of sight, and substituting it for an empty washing up bowl.

 

Fuck man. I should see a psychiatrist. My views of the world and myself are messed up and I'm wondering if my childhood mental health issues have remanifested themselves differently as an adult. Like 90% sure I have a personality disorder or some shit.

 

I threw today in the trash. One of the most lazy, boring, uninspired, unwilling to try even just a little bit self seized most of the day and irrevocably wasted it in singing the same things again and again. I didn't daydream, didn't put on my face cream and kept pacing in my room like a caged animal wearing my comfortable rugs. I felt neither happy, nor sad. I felt nothing. I thought of nothing. I wanted nothing. Total mental relinquishment. More likely abandonment. Now that I'm awoke I feel slightly mad towards myself. At least I placed somethings in their rightful place. Took me about 20 minutes and that's that. Tomorrow's a new day. I'm gonna do everything tomorrow. Shit. Why am I feeling so anxious suddenly?

Anyhow, I'm going to put something on Netflix to play on the background and try to fall asleep.

 

Thanks for being so relatable.

 

I've got in a bad habit where I feel like THAT (referring to the above two posts) and so I drink myself out of it. That is to say, I drink the second I get bored.

Problem 1: There's not a lot of alcohol left. We're down to those little 50ml Grey Goose sample bottles.

Problem 2: I've realized when I drink, I REALLY want to smoke. Nicotine sounds amazing right now.

I'm going to listen to my sad boi music and pass out. At least I got did some homework today.

Have a good day.

 

Expensive. I used to pour my money into those two things specifically. I kind of cringe at the dollar value that disappeared before now because of it. I could've been quite a bit more comfortable if I cut down drinking and cut smoking completely a few years earlier. Thousands at least.

 

This is inspirational, at this point in time.

I just need to find a way to feel like this for free. Duh! ;P

No, I am glad I've quit smoking. Hopefully this will be the last time I've quit. It's been two months off that.

 

I quit, but every year or so I pick it up for a few days, and then let it go again. I know I'll never be a hundred percent free of it, and when I'm out on a work trip, I usually buy a pack for the longer periods. Still enjoy the burn. But it doesn't stick with me as it did. I don't even remember when I quit. Maybe four years ago. It just became a comfort food that I rarely ever taste. Don't really need a stuffing of it, just a small bit every long while. Then I'm good for a long time.

 

I found myself craving it hard a couple days ago. I don't often get the urge to smoke, but I've got 2-3 official cheat days a year: my birthday, Halloween, and the company new year party. Yeah, never doing it again would be better, but by limiting myself to these days I can always put off the craving by telling it to stay in its cage for a few more months.

 

I can see how that works. There was a time where I drank myself to stupor in order just to get by. Either with company or by myself, didn't make a difference. First thing I did after work was run to the kiosk and buy myself that golden beer and then came the tsipouro and the rakomello. I have no idea how many litres of it I must have consumed that year. I also went to work a few times completely drunk or with an awful hangover. Actually the hangover was a theme at some point. Of course I had a hangover, so of course I needed that beer asap to straighten up. No time to switch routines. For me it wasn't apathy though. Quite the opposite. It was pressure, pressure, pressure. I think I cared too much to accomplish some things and save some others, I ended up running amok.

I didn't become an alcoholic though, although I was pretty damn close. My reasons for drinking remained completely psychological and situational. It's just that these situations lasted for too long. Nowadays, I don't feel like drinking. I guess I'm feeling overall better, although sometimes I pre-plan it just for the hell of it. I'm going out and I'm gonna get hammered. Drinking can be fun too. I also drink when I'm alone but much more rarely, but if I had a bottle of whiskey spare in my house it would be hard to keep it for more than 3 days. That's why I never store alcohol in my house. It wouldn't last for long anyways. Most times when I'm feeling down or pressured or whatever, I might slip and drink myself to blacking out without initially intending to, but I snap out of it pretty fast. I think I am closer now at balancing out acceptance without getting completely off track. Not perfectly but at least I can see some progress.

As for smoking... I'm a chain smoker. I don't intend of quitting it just yet. Perhaps reduce it.

Have a good day too!

 

I used to drink and get high frequently. Big mistake. The former cost me a lot of money and the latter definitely affected by short term memory for a long time. I believe I have rehabilitated it through over a year of abstinence from cannabis and reading frequently. But that is just a hunch.

Alcohol and cannabis is so boring anyway. It is nice in the moment, but the aftermath annuls any pleasure that the drugs themselves give me - that said, the experiences such indulgences may lead to can be plenty worth it. Without drugs and alcohol, I would surely still be a kissless virgin.

 

My son is here half of the time. The other half, I'm day-drinking. I'm getting a lot of writing done, but nothing else! I also discovered right around the time quarantine started that my morning Frappuccino is better with a shot of Rumplemintz in it. So that didn't help.

 

Lighter fluid? I didn't say Crystal Palace. I said Rumplemintz. Rumplemintz is delicious. And wildly popular, I might add. At least in Texas it is. The fact that it's 100 proof is a bonus. I don't know how nobody's put it in chocolate before. It's delightful.

 

My favorite writers conference was supposed to be this weekend. I've attended the last 2 years and it's been amazing. Of course, this year's conference was canceled over a month ago but now that the weekend has arrived, I'm sad.