Things That Annoy Me, But Shouldn't

Always look on the bright side of life...

 

But should we use a flashdark when things get too bright?

 

Awwww... not a Monthy Python fan, I see.

 

Moi? Why not at all.

 

No.

...

Christmas trees - fascinating. I was seething at former member's tree on the Twitter - star and white lights and three loveless baubles. [pleb, llmc, fail]

Then, my daughter lodging in softies' Brighton posted images of her landlady's tree. It's exactly the same as ours will be next week [appropriate] fat and fairy on top, and squishy and tragic German market '94 heirloom.

American trees of course, 20 foot high and adorned with African/Mexican children swinging on twigs. Swedish trees are trees from the neighbourhood forest. Canadian, probably made from Tofu.

joke/crap xxxx

 

Good film that. Must keep an eye out for it.

 

The United States Air Force.

From a recent article a friend forwarded to me:

No, this is how you do military multiculturalism:

Spoiler: Racially offensive language

And this. Look, I know zoomies ain't grunts. I know they're a bunch of very technical girls and boys, but if you're going to give someone a firestick, at least teach them how to use it:

 

There was a documentary two nights ago about the HMS Elizabeth and the steward - she was the captain's steward - she made cakes. She said she didn't really know what a gun was, she made nice cakes for the captain. There should always be a person like that on a ship.

And then another documentary only last night - as the nation crumbled around our ears brexit, we thought to watch the dusty 'FOREIGN OFFICE.'

'This will stiffen our resolutions, honey, to war.' I said.

Unbelievable on camera, all the telephone hotlines at London HQ manned by women with tattoos and poor people voices, & nose rings and some DELETED [or DELETED types - you could see they liked beards and coffee] in charge of the soldiers. And our 'top civil servant in Iraq' in the next section. He was like the biggest idiot at school, a perm, lisp, no muscles, seventeen sending text messages to AGENTS on instagram with emojis. That's when I swallowed my tongue or faeces I couldn't be certain, exploding on my carpet, ripping, chewing the little flag I'd brought along.

 

Sarge: Where the hell is your team?!
Private:
Sarge: We're sending in a second team to come get your ass!
Private:
Sarge: Stay put and try not to get it shot off!
Private:
Sarge:
Private:
Sarge:

 

A.) Click bait quizzes I get halfway through before they ask a question with four answers that are equally stupid.

B.) Click bait quizzes that tally my score so incredibly wrong that the last fifteen minutes of my life would have been better spent contemplating a stain on the wall.

C.) Click bait quizzes with a seemingly willfully ignorant, non-functional understanding of a subject dear to me, so much so that they ask inane questions that miss the point entirely of the artform/political philosophy/fashion-trend-I-remember-from-junior-high and make me want to cry/punch some one.

D.) All of the above. I'm smarter than this, so WHY DO I KEEP CLICKING ON THEM!?

Calculating your results...

Your score: Basic-ass Facebooker! Congratulations. Time to reevaluate how you spend your free time.

 

Just make sure you've totally given up on the idea of becoming a career criminal. Tattoos and disguises don't mix very well.

 

A bit of concealer works wonders. Just make sure to match your skin tone otherwise you may look like you've got some sort of leprosy.

 

What about has culebra?

 

Que?

 

Como?

 

Queso?

 

fresco?

 

Clickbait "personality" quizzes that turn out to be aimed at a demographic so alien to mine they might as well not be DNA-based:

When I get angry, I'm closest to:
A) Britney B) Beyonce C) Chadwick D) Abcde

Who the fuck are these people and what did they do? Is "Abcde" even a name?

 

I thank you, for the laughter you bestow upon me.

 

Not only that; the tattoo that looks edgy and hip when you're 29, loses some of it's luster when you turn 50.

 

A former colleague of mine has gotten involved in some health-oil, skin-supplement, vegan/Atkins hybrid AMWAY-style nonsense, and now his facebook feed is filled with desperate sales pitches on behalf of sNakeOil Inc. He's going on about how much weight he's lost on their miracle diet, how you can get Free Shipping for becoming a Preferred Member, and a $50 GIFT if you become an Associate Distributor, and doing these poorly-lit self-testimonials that the rest of us refer to as his "Hostage Tapes" since he looks like absolute shit and is trying to flog Healthy Things...

All of which are liked, every single time, by the same two people.

His mom, and his upline.

Best of luck, bro. Hope your spare room isn't too full of product.