Mine would probably be university. I really want to write but at the same time have to focus on my last year at university and my swimming team. It doesn't really ruin my passion or ability to write so much as ruining the time I have to actually sit down and continue writing. It alone takes me like 1 hour to get into the right mind set. So guess the problem here is time
The thing that scares me most when I sit down and open a new document is the knowledge that I'll inevitable get to the second act, lose all my momentum, and quit a story that might have turned out really good. It's all because I'm learning so much so fast at this point in my life. Since I was 12, I've been starting stories and not finishing them, always stopping in that second act. I eventually did finish a rough draft of one when I was 16, but it was extremely bad and I barely stopped myself from burning the printed copy. What's worse is that I shared it with my art teacher. I've slowly been opening up my works to my parents. Not all of it. In fact, not even the majority of it. My mom is wary of anything with violence in it and I'm afraid of my dad reading a story and not commenting on it. I want him to tell me exactly what he thinks about it. If he critiques it, however harshly, it means it's probably worth saving. But I dread him handing back a stack of paper or closing his email and not saying a word to me. I generally write pretty violent stuff, and my dad's usually okay with that (still doesn't like me playing violent games), but I'm not sure how he'd react to a medieval execution scene or a gunfight involving children or even the mild swears I include from time to time. I wrote a short thriller from the perspective of a stalker who was planning to rape and murder a high school girl. In the end, I had him follow her to church and accidentally convert himself and leave her alone, but I just can't stop making myself worry. Anybody I showed it to would probably be just fine with it, maybe even liking it. Also, Grand Theft Auto IV generally prevents me from getting any work done, but that's a bit different from the topic. It's just too much fun playing with the physics system in that game!
I'm afraid of investing a lot of time and effort into something because I might decide it's completely horrible. I'm so afraid of failure (the fear of not being able to meet my own expectations) that I can often dissuade myself from even trying. I am my own worst critic. To make matters worse, I am self conscious and insecure about my writing so I'm afraid to share my work with others. It takes a lot of self pep talking to convince myself to open up like that to other people, especially writers. In the past when I've asked for critique, for some reason I always ended up feeling really over- or underwhelmed by all the constructive criticism I received. I take negative comments too personally. In short: I have self esteem issues, am scared of people, and am batsh!t crazy. I have a lot to work on.
This. Perfectionism is the enemy. It holds me back and tells me I'm not good enough. I'm actively working on overcoming it, though. Allowing myself to write, in Anne Lamott's words, "shitty first drafts" is helping somewhat. I think a lot of people can probably relate to your story, Ashleigh. And though it would be wonderful if you could get encouragement from your family, you're not doing it for them. You're doing it for you. A lot of writers have had to hide their writing from family, Jane Austin being a prime example. I admire your determination to believe in yourself and follow your ambition regardless of what others think. You are obviously a strong person. My mother thinks that every mother I write is her, and she gets very nervous and sometimes hurt by my characterizations. I try not to let this inhibit me (though I know it does at times). I usually show her my work anyway because, well, I'm a tart when it comes to showing my work. I just can't help myself! But it's not necessary to do so. You sound like you still live at home. It will get better when you are out on your own. Yup. This too! Especially the batsh!t crazy part! I'm trying to turn that into a virtue, though. It is, isn't it?
My writing hinderance is mostly on stupid "what-ifs". For example, "What if I write my sci-fi and Bioware gets pissed because they're writing a sci-fi also?" because I naturally assume that one company or person has entitlement to an entire genre. Why do I mention Bioware? Because it was their games that got me inspired to write my sci-fi, so if I (one day, and not likely to happen) told an interveiwer that I was inspired by Bioware to make my sci-fi, then that company will get pissed. Stupid, paranoid, and weird. I know. Yet my strangely wired brain keeps coming up with weird scenarios. Or it creates these entities of people telling me things that aren't true. I'm slowly getting better at it though. EDIT: Still, it's curious that I focus only on this one thing when Dragonball Z, The Legend of Zelda, and The Elder Scrolls made me want to write stories, yet I am sane enough to not worry about THEM getting pissed.
The thought of actually giving up. I'm not afraid of the thought of giving up, but actually doing it is something I just can't imagine.
I did give up. For many years. The perfectionism and self-doubt overwhelmed me. Getting back to writing was all about finally dealing with these issues. I'm still struggling, but at least now I'm facing my fears instead of running away.
I fear not being equal to the task. The weird thing is, in my twenties, I thought I could do anything. I could take on the job of writing the greatest novel in the world. But these days, sometimes even writing a decent short story seems overwhelming to me. I know what I want it to be, but sometimes I can't get started because it just seems too difficult, too challenging. I remember reading about the famous actor/comedian Buddy Hackett. He had something like forty years of stage performance experience, and then suddenly developed stage fright. I never understood that until recently. I find I have to really suck it up to start a story when years ago I'd just charge right in. Age weakens the mind. Age weakens the resolve. My advice to all you youngsters is to never grow old.
I also think real life tends to put a dampner on your creativity. When you see the news, hear about all the crap that's going on...you can't help but feel that creativity inside you deflate.
Very interesting post. I feel the same way. I feel like the amazing stories that I have in my heart and mind need a stronger voice. I don't feel like I'm good enough--or that I'll ever be--to do them the justice they deserve. As for Buddy Hackett's situation, there are simply no words to describe the crippling anxiety that I imagine finally got to him. But I think we all go through that. Age (and whatever else excuse we make for ourselves) is irrelevant. Fear can be a very powerful poison once it's reached the mind, but as they say without struggle there is no growth or progress.
Thanks; you totally get where I'm coming from. The sad thing is they probably would support me, but the negativity has built up over the years and now I can't trust them enough not to humiliate me. It's probably my fears over-powering me. I'm one of those people with a lot of ambition -and sometimes even confidence- but I lack self-esteem. It's a deadly combination that leaves me teatering on the edge of failure sometimes. I do live at home now, which is lovely when all is well (plus I like being near my pets; they're my heart) but when I was living away for uni I was able to be more open about my work. I was surrounded by it. At home, I hide my work in a wardrobe.
